WHO: Rhy & Kell Maresh WHAT: Rhy reveals a part of Kell's future WHEN: a few days after returning to Tumbleweed WHERE: Maresh "palace" WARNINGS: it's heavy on the feels, but nothing triggering, I don't think.
It was odd being back in the palace. The fact that it wasn’t really the palace made it odder still. Kell didn’t know if it was made more lonely by the lack of people or less -- because it was obvious. The silence drew attention to itself, and Kell couldn’t forget about it.
He felt guilty that he felt conflicted about being here. He knew that many of their fellow travelers had been relieved to return to familiar spots and overjoyed to find places thought lost. Kell knew the palace. He wanted to see more of everything else.
He knew it was foolish, because he knew there was nothing stopping him here -- it was all in his head at this point, the palace more symbol than anything else. He could walk until he found the end of this country and there would be no one to stop him. He could board any type of transportation he wanted and no one would blink an eye.
But after everything, it still felt like being returned to a cage. And he worried that was what really going home might feel like one day. He didn’t really want to stay. He knew that. No matter what Rhy asked of him, he knew that his future and Arnes’ were interlinked.
And he missed Lila.
It was something that he tried not to poke at too much, but it simmered there anyway, underneath the surface of his skin.
He couldn’t help his restlessness this particular afternoon as he paced, too overwhelmed by all the possibility of going anywhere to actually decide on one place to go.
…
It hadn’t taken Kell long to get restless. Rhy felt it, and he had been waiting for it. They were not in their home country, but the palace was here - or parts of it - and Rhy knew that would take its toll on Kell. As nice as it was to sleep in his own bed, being reminded so strongly of the palace, of home, was not without its downsides for Rhy either. It reminded him of his responsibilities to his country, his duty to his crown. His crown was here now, and although he hadn’t put it on, he felt the ghost of its emotional weight on his shoulders.
One afternoon the restlessness grew even stronger, and it wasn’t Rhy’s, so he went looking for Kell. He found his brother in the hallway outside his rooms, pacing along the floor.
Rhy moved towards him, but paused a short distance away, to half-lean, half-sit against the windowsill. “It’s the palace, isn’t it?” he asked quietly, without pretense. He did not need to ask how his brother felt. He knew.
--
He could feel Rhy moving toward him across the palace, and Kell already felt bad for disturbing his brother’s peace. It was frustrating in moments like these that Rhy could feel the extremes of his emotions. He knew that he would settle again -- he almost always did, or at least let it become a background noise.
“I’m sorry,” Kell answered, arms crossed, without turning to face his brother.
…
“Don’t apologize,” Rhy said firmly. There was nothing to apologize for. It was not in Kell’s nature to enjoy being bound to one place, and that was not a flaw. It was just a bad stroke of luck that he had end up bound, first by the king and queen’s orders, and then by his love for Rhy. Rhy’s heart was torn in two over it, one part eager to make his brother happy, the other desperate to keep him close. But ultimately, it was an easy decision. “You don’t have to stay here, you know.”
--
It was moments like these that Kell was reminded that he was not only talking to his brother but also the new king of Arnes. He knew that Rhy spoke from a place of love, but he also spoke from this odd place of authority now as well, which he’d never had in quite the same was over Kell before.
The past few months had changed so much about them.
“Where would I go?” Kell asked lightly, turning to walk toward Rhy. He didn’t want to linger on this and patted Rhy jovially on the arm as he moved past him.
…
“Kell,” Rhy said, to stop him from moving away. “Take this seriously. You’re only going to get more miserable if you don’t. We will get more miserable.”
He didn’t want to make this about him, and yet, he thought that might be the best way to motivate his brother to listen. Kell didn’t want to stay at the palace, but he felt he had to, because he loved Rhy. But that would make Rhy miserable as well as Kell, both of them cooped up and restless and only likely to get more angry with each other.
Rhy hesitated, and then he said, “You will leave Arnes, and travel, in the future. Alucard told me that you would.” He let that sink in for a beat, and then added, “With my blessing, of course.”
--
Kell was taking it seriously, but he didn’t want to get drawn into this conversation again. It felt as if Rhy was trying to fix everything in one go -- continuing to atone for the mistakes his parents had made. Kell understood it, but he was also tired of it. He didn’t want his brother’s guilt, and there was little that could truly be changed until they returned home.
Still, Rhy’s announcement brought him up short. Rhy had always planned, of course, for them to travel together, but Kell -- well, he had been told time and time again that he couldn’t leave London.
“With you?” Kell asked.
…
“No,” Rhy answered. He smiled a little sadly. “I wish. I have a city to rebuild, Kell. And I have to earn my people’s trust in me as a king. It’s going to be a while, at home, before I can travel. But I don’t want you to wait on me, and as it turns out, you won’t have to.”
He could not tell exactly what Kell was thinking. He couldn’t even quite tell what Kell was feeling - mostly surprise. When Rhy had heard it from Alucard, the news had made him sad and glad all at once. Sad for himself, glad for his brother. It was the latter part that mattered most; Rhy had accepted his responsibilities and the future laid out for him at a young age. Kell had not, and therefore his responsibilities had only held him captive. Kell needed to be set free.
--
He hadn’t thought that Rhy would abandon his responsibilities to Arnes and the throne, but that Kell might travel with him when it was for matters of state. It certainly wouldn’t be the trips that Rhy had dreamt of, but it would be something outside of London all the same.
His surprise only grew. He knew that Rhy would do everything he could to do better by him than Maxim had, but it still worried Kell. He wanted to be free, but he didn’t want to leave Rhy vulnerable -- and at the same time, the idea of being allowed to travel freely was intoxicating. So many people had found his ability to wander between worlds wondrous. Kell loved his magic because of that freedom, but it also bound him within his own world, and he had wanted to see what everyone else took for granted -- what everyone else could board a ship and see.
He didn’t know what to say.
…
Rhy didn’t quite know what to make of Kell’s continued silence. He knew it was a complicated issue, and that being allowed to leave and travel - even so soon after Arnes had been besieged - did not necessarily solve everything. Kell would still feel bound to come back, still feel a responsibility to protect Rhy.
Instead of trying to get Kell to talk, Rhy decided to offer more detail. At least Kell was listening to him now, and taking him seriously. “Alucard will give his ship to Lila,” he said. “And you will go with her. Alucard will stay at the palace, as my guard.” Rhy smiled slightly. “He may not be Antari, but he is powerful, and he loves me. I’ll be safe while you’re gone.”
--
Oh, sankt. The idea of Lila at the helm of the Night Spire was both terrifying and beautiful, and Kell wasn’t sure which he felt more strongly. He was embarrassed by how much he was instantly addicted to the idea, craved what it would be like to explore the totality of a world that was both familiar and foreign to him beside a girl who was both familiar and foreign to him. Who was strength, stubbornness and recklessness personified. Who loved magic and didn’t care that he was an Antari.
He wanted it. He wanted it all -- he wanted everything.
It was enough that Kell was able to glaze over the fact that Alucard Emery would be the main source of protection for Rhy.
He pitied the king and queen in that moment, and was somewhat grateful to them, because they had wanted one of the world’s most powerful protectors for their son and instead had given him a brother.
Still without words, Kell stepped into Rhy’s space and hugged him fiercely.
...
Kell’s emotions were so strong that they overwhelmed Rhy. He didn’t even know what to call it. Wanting, longing, hunger… those words came somewhat close, but did not entirely describe it. He swallowed reflexively, and then Kell was hugging him. He wrapped his arms tightly around his brother and hugged him back just as fiercely.
“You’ll write to me, I hope?” he managed to say, a weak attempt at saying something light to ease the intensity of the moment.
--
He suspected that, to Rhy, this felt like he was leaving him behind again. While Kell bemoaned not being able to leave London, his magic had unlocked places for him that Rhy could only dream of. Perhaps, hopefully, a bit less now that he had seen what could come out of their sister Londons.
He pulled back so that Rhy could see his face and braced the back of his brother’s neck with one hand.
“You know I’ll always come back to you,” Kell said. It was overly emotional to say, but it boiled down to the simple concept that, rather than a place, Rhy had become his home.
…
Rhy smiled at his brother, warmed by the sentiment. But when he spoke, he said, “That's not what I asked.”
It was exceptionally important to him that Kell understood he was under no obligation to come back, unless he chose to, and even then it only had to be a visit. There would never be an obligation to stay. Rhy had made that promise to himself, even if Kell would not accept it from him. He owed that to his brother, he owed it to himself, to their relationship, which he could so easily destroy by acting as Kell’s king rather than his brother.
He raised one hand and touched Kell’s forearm, the arm that was held out to him, with the hand in his neck. “I’m only asking you to stay in touch.”
—
“I know what you’re asking,” Kell replied. “I also know what I’m telling you.”
He understood that it was important to Rhy that Kell not feel that staying in Arnes or serving the crown was an obligation. Kell appreciated that, but he also knew himself. He hadn’t raised Rhy from the dead because his love was so small that he could leave Rhy behind easily.
Admittedly, he had made that mistake. He didn’t intend to make it again. He understood the stakes better. Maxim had been right in the regard that someone was always going to be trying to kill him or own him.
…
Rhy smiled again, more warmly this time. “You know you can always come back.”
He was relieved that, at last, Kell seemed to understand that his future was not bound to the throne. Probably Rhy would need his help at some point, and he knew Kell would give it, but he would only ask, not order, and then Kell would be free to go back to his life. It was possibly the most important thing Rhy could ever do as king, both for their relationship and for the country. An unhappy Antari tied to the throne had never worked out well for anyone.
“You should also feel free to wander here, as you will,” he said. “Just because your room is here doesn’t mean that you have to stay in it. Unless knowing that you will not be stuck there forever makes it more appealing.”
--
Kell was well aware that he was free to wander about here. He’d merely gotten lost in the feeling and awareness of being back inside the palace.
“Why thank you, my king,” Kell answered cheekily, mock bowing to Rhy at the declaration that he was allowed to leave the palace here in Tumbleweed.
…
“Oh, don’t,” Rhy said with an exaggerated sigh. “It’s bad enough my crown is here.”
He ran his hand through his curls. He still hadn’t decided how he felt about having the palace and his crown here. Sometimes it seemed to mock him, this luxurious palace empty of any staff, containing its king who was struggling to learn how to take care of himself and his home like a normal person. He hid it well, but it was stressful to feel so out of his depth. At least he had found a job that he had some confidence in; that part had been the most stressful of all. But he was still accustomed to leaving things laying around, and having food cooked for him when he wanted it, and it bothered him every time he found himself selfishly wishing to be waited on.
--
“As your brother,” Kell answered very seriously, “it is my royal obligation to give you shit to make sure you remain humble.”
He knew that Rhy was stressed about being a good king, but Kell had utter faith in him. He had seen many kinds of kings. He knew that his brother had the heart and tenacity to be a good one.
…
A slow smile spread over Rhy’s face, and then he laughed. In his best royal voice, although a very amused royal, he answered, “And the kingdom thanks you for it.”
He was actually less stressed about being a king than he was about being a normal person. He had been raised to be a king, bred for it, taught the important lessons, every single day of his life so far. He was not displeased with how he had handled it so far, in spite of the circumstances under which he had ascended the throne. He thought he had done the very best he could under those circumstances. He was not including in that, however, the moments before he had come king, when he had not been able to prevent his parents’ deaths. That he regretted.