Cassie Sullivan (likeamayfly) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-04-09 16:34:00 |
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Cassie always acted like she was okay, no matter what kind of difficult situation they ran into. But after the pirate attack, it was different. There was a difference, Frank thought, between a brave front that covered up the fact that she was a scared kid trying to survive in the world, and a brave front that covered up real distress about what she’d seen and been through. So far she had mostly seemed to be doing the former, but after the pirate battle, something had changed. Frank thought he had a guess at what it was, but he didn’t think it should be left to a guess. Cassie needed someone to talk to, and he doubted it was going to be the school counselors. He sat down next to her in the living room of their shared suite one evening, and turned his head to look at her. “I can tell you’re upset,” he said gruffly. “You want to tell me what it’s about?” -- Ever since the pirate attack, Cassie had gone back to barely sleeping. She stayed in her room more than usual, and when she did leave it, she didn’t really do a lot. Her main haunt aside from her bedroom was the library, where she would quietly and quickly exchange one book for another and start reading, if no one else was around. If someone else did enter the library, she’d leave. At the moment, she sat at one end of the couch with Moby Dick open in front of her, but she wasn’t really reading it at the moment. Sensing movement, she looked up as Frank entered the room, crossed, and sat beside her. She hesitated, the lie that she was fine on her lips, then instead gave a small shrug as she shut the book. “It’s not a big deal.” Not to anyone that wasn’t her, really. No one else seemed to care about having killed the pirates. -- In that one statement, she had admitted that something was wrong. She was understating it, maybe trying to put him off the scent, but she had essentially just confirmed that there was something worth talking about. Frank turned a little further towards her, leaning his elbows on his knees to look at her intently. “If something’s bothering you, it matters.” -- It was hard to argue against that stare, or stay stubborn enough not to respond, because Frank didn’t always look at you directly. When he did, you didn’t really have any other choice but to answer. Cassie pulled her own gaze away and dropped it to the book in her lap, while one hand absently played with a corner of the cover, worrying at it without even realizing it. “I...don’t like killing people,” she said softly. “I know sometimes I have to, but - the pirates...they looked like us. I haven’t killed anyone who looked human since before Mount Weather.” The last sentence almost came out in a rush, but she still didn’t look up, instead tensing subtly since she wasn’t sure what Frank might say. -- It was odd, maybe, but Frank felt no small amount of relief when he learned what it was that upset her. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but this, at least, was within his wheelhouse to talk about and something he could reassure her about. It possibly meant that she’d gotten an impression from him that wasn’t accurate, that killing was enjoyable or even fun, but at least now he could clear that up. “You shouldn’t like killing people,” he assured her. “No one should. There’s nothing wrong with you, Cassie.” The very edges of his lips curled up, almost in a smile. “You should hold onto that part of yourself as long as you can, the part that tells you it’s wrong. It’ll keep you human.” -- “But I did kill them and I’m not sure how I feel except for not liking it.” She wasn’t sorry, exactly, and she didn’t feel guilty. She didn’t sleep that much at night anyway, but the few hours she’d gotten hadn’t been filled with nightmares about the pirates - only other things, things from home, like usual. “I don’t know that it was wrong. I think that’s the problem. It didn’t feel wrong,” Cassie said quietly, before looking up at him at last. “I know it’s not good, but it didn’t feel wrong.” -- Frank watched her carefully as she tried to sort through her feelings. They were complicated, and he wasn’t entirely sure he understood. “You mean it didn’t feel wrong in the moment?” he asked after a moment. “But afterwards you didn’t like that you’d done it?” -- “I didn’t like doing it then, either - but I know it had to be done so they couldn’t kill me or someone else. I just didn’t think it was wrong then. Or now.” Cassie shrugged a little, shifting to curl her legs under her and hugging the book to her chest. “I don’t know how I feel about it right now.” -- Frank shifted a little closer to her, and slid his arm around Cassie’s shoulders. “It’s okay, kid,” he said. “It’s okay to not know how you feel.” He paused, unsure of what to say next. She was struggling to articulate her feelings, and he wasn’t sure his own would be helpful, but he didn’t have much else to offer her. “If you wanna know what I think, I don’t think it was wrong to kill them. I think they came on this ship to kill us, and they knew that dying was an option if anyone put up a fight. It was self-defense. And you know, some people chose not to kill them, just knocked them out. But when the ship went intangible and they all fell into the ocean, the ones that were just unconscious probably drowned.” Probably some people would have argued he should spare her the gory details. But he had always told the truth to the people who mattered to him, and she mattered. “Not to mention, the ones that lived, they might’ve attacked another ship, and either killed people or gotten themselves killed. Or maybe not. There ain’t any real clear answers, you just gotta try to decide for yourself what feels right and wrong. A lot of times that line gets real blurry.” -- Cassie leaned into Frank without protest, her head resting against his shoulder as she stayed quiet and listened to him. When he said that it hadn’t been wrong, Cassie let out a slow breath and shifted slightly so she look up to him. She waited as he listed out all of the things they might have done if they hadn’t been killed, and when he was finished Cassie lowered her head again. “So it’s okay that I’m not sorry about it?” -- Frank considered that for a long moment. “Depends how you look at it,” he said finally. “You might be a little too used to violence. It gets easier, and easier to rationalize. That’s not necessarily a good thing. But it also wasn’t your choice to have to deal with so much, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.” He looked down at her. “I think it’s okay. But I’ve never felt much of anything about killing people. Always thought I probably should, but I didn’t. And I don’t think that says anything good about me.” -- “I care what you think,” she said it quietly, and after a moment she rested her head against his shoulder again. Rationally, Cassie knew she shouldn’t be getting so close to Frank. If he was sent back or something happened to him, she’d probably fall apart - but she needed that connection. She missed her own parents so much, but they were dead and gone and Frank had become a sort of adoptive father for her, and she was okay with that. “I don’t think it’s something to celebrate though. Surviving, sure I guess, but killing the pirates? I think some people seemed too happy about doing that. I guess that’s why I haven’t really gone out much.” -- “I know you do,” Frank said. “I’m just saying, my morals might be a little skewed. I’m definitely too used to killing.” He rubbed his hand gently over her upper arm, comfortingly, and listened. He smiled softly. “I don’t think it’s something to celebrate either. I don’t know how much other people are celebrating either, given that they’re injured and their friends are dead. But if you’re not comfortable talking to them about it, you don’t have to.” He paused. “Just so you’re aware, there are counselors provided by the school that you can talk to. But I’m not gonna say you have to.” -- Cassie nodded at that. “I know you are, I just...sort of hope I don’t get used to it.” But she wasn’t so naive as to think that it might not happen someday anyway, especially if she was sent back to her own world. She’d kill to get to Sammy, and in regards to that Cassie couldn’t have any regrets. She wouldn’t. “Okay,” she said in response to him saying she didn’t have to talk about it to the others. “Maybe sometime in the group meetings, but not now.” Not yet, at any rate. When he mentioned counselors, the teenager looked up at him, then rolled her eyes a little. “I don’t need them. Talking to you is better than talking to strangers.” -- The corner of Frank’s mouth quirked up into something that was almost a smile, but the rest of his expression remained very serious. “I really hope you don’t, too.” He looked down at her. “You know you can choose to sit out the fights, right?” He had never asked that of her, because they’d had this conversation back in Mt. Weather, where he’d briefly tried to talk her out of being one of the guard soldiers. He didn’t expect her to be any more likely to take him up on it now than she had then. But he wanted to remind her that she had the option. He did actually smile then, and rubbed her upper arm warmly with his hand. “I told them you might say something like that.” -- “I know, but if they’re trying to hurt me - or you - I’m going to fight.” She might not go out of her way to save a stranger, but she’d try to defend those she cared about, as well as herself. And of course, Cassie wasn’t limiting that to just Frank, but the others she’d gotten to know as well. Sometimes it seemed like too many people, mostly because she still had two different parts of herself fighting over all that had happened to her. She was afraid of getting too close to many in case she lost them just like she’d lost her whole world back home. Cassie wasn’t sure she could come back from that happening twice. When he smiled, she gave a small one back. “Good - it’s not something I have to do, right? Like mandatory counseling? Because it’s easier to just talk about it here.” And thanks to Frank, she was feeling a little better about the entire situation. -- Frank smiled, but a little sadly. He could understand that instinct, and he wasn’t gonna stand in her way. “We’ll just try to stick together and protect each other.” It wasn’t necessarily his preference; he would have felt better if he could have stashed her safely away and not had to worry about her getting injured. But then, there was nowhere that was really entirely safe, and he should know that better than anyone. So having her where he could see her, where he could act to protect her when she was in danger, that was the best he could ask for. “I don’t think it’s mandatory,” he answered. He considered his next words carefully. “Just recommended.” -- “Yeah, okay,” she replied. Cassie could live with that just fine. She studied Frank for a moment, then looked down again as she curled up on her cushion, giving a small shrug. “I’ll think about it. But I’m probably not going to go.” It was hard enough to talk in front of people at the veteran’s group, that she didn’t want to talk to a counselor about this stuff. “We should order some food soon,” she said after a few minutes, in an effort to change the subject and show that she would be okay. |