who: Credence Barebone & Luna Lovegood when: March 28th where: Credence's room on the ship What: Credence finally comes out of his shell a bit. warnings: Talk of character death; depression. status: COMPLETE.
Credence couldn't be certain if hours had passed or days or possibly weeks.
It felt as if everything around him had resumed a sort of normal: normal electricity, and normal movement, and normal sounds. Meanwhile all he could really think was that nothing should be normal, because everything was wrong. It didn't matter that electricity was back, or the ship was making engine sounds again, or moving again - he could see it happening outside his windows. Even the movement of sun and stars and moon seemed impossibly wrong somehow. Maybe that fed into how he couldn't figure out exactly how many days might have passed. There had been sun and there had been stars so it must have been at least one, or two, or…
He frowned, his fist wrapping around the duvet cover, and squeezing it tight.
After he'd seen Emmeline fall, he'd felt rage like he hadn't felt in close to a year. The sort of deep, horrifying anger, that fuelled the Obscurus inside him, and made it impossible to contain. He hadn't wanted to contain it either. The pirates deserved to be torn apart, thrown against the sides of the ship or into the water or against swords. They deserved to feel the same sort of pain that he felt, because they had stolen from him. Stolen from him something worse than he'd ever had taken - even worse than the magical training that his Ma had stolen from him - they'd taken Emmeline and the world felt empty and bleak, and so he'd allowed it to take over, and when he'd wilted back down into a form so human and weak again, it was almost as if he'd expended too much energy to do anything much.
If Charlie hadn't shown up to move Emmeline, Credence thought he might still be there. If Luna and Albus hadn't shown up, he might still be with Emmeline. He felt as lifeless as she felt, even if his heart was still beating. Only the programmed necessity of his body's needs for oxygen kept him moving and breathing and heart pulsing blood through his veins, but it felt as if even tightening his fist was too much work, and weeping? More energy than he had access to currently. Maybe he'd left some of it with the pirates, or back where they had attacked. Or maybe he had left it with Emmeline in some hope and desperate prayer it might be enough to bring her back. If he could just diminish himself enough to breathe life back into her veins… It should have been him - not Emmeline. Not Emmeline.
The sound that came from his throat wasn't a sob, exactly, but it settled there, almost as if it could become one, if only he had the ability to cry again.
Luna was there still.
And somehow Luna felt like the only thing that made sense right now. He was aware on some level that this was strange - that most people would claim Luna rarely made sense - which maybe was exactly why she did right then.
It occurred to him that she'd lost her mother too. And maybe Emmeline hadn't been his mother, exactly, but she'd been far closer to it than anything that he'd ever had. Far closer to it than his adopted mother from home who had belittled and controlled and made him second guess who he was. Far closer to it than his birth mother - who he didn't know even who she was or what her fate had been. Emmeline had given him … a chance to be himself.
He closed his eyes and then will kicked in. He might not have moved for however many hours, but he didn't care. He pushed himself up, slowly, intent on the balcony, only to realize that the sheer effort involved to push himself to sitting would require a rest.
He turned his head to Luna.
Was it a good sign that he actually wanted a cup of tea? Although it felt like too much work to ask for it. Wordlessly he reached a hand out towards Luna and swallowed back a sudden crushing sensation that this was his fault. That not even however many pirates Obscurus him ended could begin to even the scales. He pulled a breath in, shakey.
"You've been here." What he meant, of course, was that she had been here for most of the time that he had been aware of anything, but that was more words than he really wanted to pull together right now and Luna would know. Luna always knew.
Luna hadn’t gone without the understanding of what happened. Emmeline was dead and many of the people she knew were hurting because of it. She wasn’t without feeling regarding Emmeline’s death, but it wasn’t for her what it was for other people. So the hug from Hulk had taken her by surprise because she hadn’t known she needed to be comforted in that moment. She could admit that it felt nice and that she did feel better. If anything required comforting, it was her feelings regarding Credence. So she had been startled because her attention had been focused mostly on Credence, but that didn’t mean that she was uncomfortable with it. So she’d returned the hug after a moment just to let it be known that she wasn’t bothered by it. She didn’t want him to think that. But she excused herself shortly after to go to Credence.
And she’d sat with him despite time or changes in what happened. She only left to use the bathroom or ask Albus if he wouldn’t mind getting her something to eat. She didn’t say anything, just sat quietly and did her homework or read a book she was curious about. If Credence reached out, she reached out in return.
She lowered her book as she heard Credence speak. “I’ve been here,” she agreed. She slowly uncurled herself, setting the book to the side and leaned forward a little. “You are here.” Which was to say that she would have been here because he was here and he needed her. “Would you like anything?”
The question was simple enough, and hadn't Credence just thought that he wanted tea. Or maybe some sort of broth. It was the first time food had honestly sounded like something he could put in his stomach and not have it start to churn - which felt like some sort of an accomplishment at the same time as feeling a bit as if it were a total betrayal. It wasn't logical, maybe, to hold whatever virgil he was holding for Emmeline, but still it felt as if he shouldn't just resume normal activities when things were so very wrong.
For a moment he looked lost and uncertain, but he couldn't not answer Luna. Having spoken to her, and having invited her into the conversation, it seemed that he needed to follow-through on that thread and to actually use words to explain things. Even if explanations felt completely outside of his ability to do.
He tried to straighten up his shoulders, pushed away the lingering thought that this was all his fault and he didn't deserve anything, and instead he opened his mouth. "Tea maybe? I don't know."
Maybe Luna would know if he deserved tea. He didn't feel much as if he knew.
Luna still clearly recalled the feelings she’d experienced after her mother’s death. She remembered worrying if it had been her fault. Maybe she had distracted her enough to keep her from getting the spell right. She didn’t feel that way anymore, but she remembered the feeling lingering. She remembered hoping her mother was just sleeping even if she understood what happened. Sometimes she still felt the loss of her and the sadness, but she knew with a particular certainty that she would see her again one day. She knew they would see Emmeline again one day, but she wasn’t sure if that would comfort Credence right now.
She waited patiently for Credence to respond, quietly aware of the shifts in body language and expressions. She knew he would be feeling similar things. She leaned forward after a moment, just touching his face gently before standing. “It will feel like it is your fault for a while, I think, but it isn’t.” She found the teapot before moving to pour a cup, fixing it the way Credence preferred. She brought a couple biscuits in case he wanted them as well.
“When Mum died, I thought that a lot. But she wouldn’t want me to blame myself.” She sat down, holding the tea out to him. “It is hard not to at first, but sometimes things happen and we can’t control it and even if we are present, there’s not anything we could have done to change it. Even if we think we should have been able to.” She curled up in her seat again. “If you need to talk through anything, I will listen. If you would just like to be quiet, we can do that, also.”
Credence picked up one of the biscuits, and turned it over in his fingers. He couldn't decide if it sounded good or not. It wasn't a particularly sweet one, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. Despite himself, he could feel that he was hungry, so he lifted it to his lips and took a nibble - so little that it barely looked as if he'd taken anything from it at all, but it was something and from there, the tea.
He glanced over at Luna as he reached for the teacup, listening to what she was saying. He might need to talk, although he felt as if it was inordinately difficult to consider doing. Why was it so difficult? It felt as difficult as it had felt when he'd first arrived, and he'd thought he was doing so much better recently. Everything had felt easier after his birthday. Being sorted into Slythern, which had been Emmeline's idea -
The tea blurred in his vision, and about the time he realized this a tear slid down his cheek and dropped into the cup, rings spreading outward from where it hit the top of the liquid. He put it back down again.
"I feel like all I have been is quiet," he managed to push words from between his lips. There. That hadn't been so hard. "How is Helena?" he asked, for something to say that wasn't talking about his tears, or thinking directly about Emmeline, or how he still felt that it might have been his fault, although he wasn't certain there was any specific evidence to suggest that. But it might have been which was the only thing he could keep thinking. He'd been trying to do shields, and he had done some, blocked some of the pirates even - but everything had been so fast and it had been more than he really could do. He ought to have known it was more than he could do. Would Albus blame him? He felt like Albus had been in and out at least. He couldn't blame him too terribly, because there had been no punishment. At home there would have been punishment if it was his fault. "And Albus?"
“Mmm. I suppose you have been.” She didn’t seem overly concerned or bothered by the fact that he’d been quiet. It wasn’t the quiet that bothered her. Credence had a habit of quietness. It was just the rest of it. He’d been very much off. Barely any sort of recognition regarding himself and others, which was not very like Credence. But she knew why. So she waited it out, waited for him to come back around and talk or eat or anything. “Helena’s fine,” she said quietly. “A little concerned, but Albus has kept her out of the room mostly. If you’d like her to start coming in, I will tell him it is okay.”
She casually offered a handkerchief she’d gotten. “And Albus has been okay. He checks in regularly. I think he’s been worried.” But she was used to Albus’ hovering and concern. He did it regularly. He did let them mostly do things that they wanted to do, but she always told him where he was going anyway. “He’s been...one of those muggle things with the swirly metal arms. People say that’s what people are when they hover.” She smiled. “But he’ll be glad to know you’re eating and drinking. I can get easy to eat foods later. Usually I ask Albus for food.”
Credence felt a pang of guilt about this. Not only had he maybe gotten Emmeline killed - maybe, although Luna was possibly right - he had made Albus worry and possibly Helena, and he hated the idea of it. He nodded his head, reaching for tea and taking a sip of it. He could get less quiet, maybe make himself move. The tea encouraged this idea, at least for an instant. It might not be a miracle drink, precisely, but it did encourage the idea that he might have strength to be able to move in the near future.
He took the handkerchief from Luna, and despite himself the corners of his lips turned up. He didn't have any idea what she was talking about, but the description itself made him smile. "Maybe some soup?" he suggested. Soup could be managed, if nothing else he could drink the broth, which, wasn't so far removed from tea, was it?
The question occurred to him, after it should have probably, and he looked up at her, tilting his head: "Are you okay?"
The hint of a smile made Luna feel a little better. She knew that things weren’t ever going to be perfect. There was no cure for sadness. Even she still felt sad sometimes. But it meant that he would start to make his way back to himself. She was happy to see it. “Okay,” she said quietly. She had been about to go tell Albus to bring soup when Credence asked if she was okay. There was a hint of confusion that had been there every time people had offered condolences or hugs to make her feel better. “I am okay. I am sad that Emmeline is gone, but I am not very worried about myself. I recover well from things because of who I am.”
Sometimes Luna considered whether or not she was who she was because of her mother’s death. She had been a very unusual girl starting out, but she had become more unusual after that. Or at least it had been easier to drift off after, harder to stay put. She sent a quick message to Albus about the soup instead of getting up to tell him. “You do not have to worry about me, Credence. I am okay.”
That made sense to Credence. Luna was strong, and it was something he knew about her. She might not look it to most people. But she was resilient in a way that he didn't feel he was himself and kind of only wished that he could be. He hated that he'd made people worry about him. He would recover, he thought, probably, just he needed to not move for a while first. He hoped that Albus knew that because he hadn't wanted to make him worry. And of all the people on the boat the people in this suite were the people he wouldn't want to worry, even if there might be some outside of the suite that he would worry abou -
"Flash?" The question was asked almost as soon as he thought of the name. And a sudden spike of worry shot up. If Emmeline had been killed, then Flash could have been hurt. "Is he all right? Have you heard anything from him?"
Luna didn’t really consider herself as a strong person. Not because she thought she wasn’t, but because it hadn’t occurred to her to think it. She just knew that she was different from people and she didn’t always react the way others did. It was just a difference. She didn’t feel that people were any weaker than she was just because it took longer for them to deal with things and sometimes they didn’t ever deal with things fully. She’d noticed the signs of the war from home in her friends. Things had changed. She didn’t think that was bad. She wanted for them to feel more at ease and be happy, but she knew that sometimes time was the only way for it to happen and that was okay.
When Credence mentioned Flash, she allowed for a hint of sadness to her expression. “He has lost a friend. That is what I have gathered from some of the information on the network, but I don’t think he is very injured, though. Just sad.” She hadn’t been around for others dying before now, so it seemed like an unusual thing for two to go. Though, she knew a lot of people had been lost back at Hogwarts. “I’m sure he’d be happy to hear from you. Or I could deliver a message to him if you’d like.”
Credence frowned, and for a moment a spike of worry seemed to slice its way through his own cloud of depression. Flash had lost somebody too. How many people… Credence realized he didn't know because he hadn't looked and hadn't asked. He'd just hidden. He lifted the tea to his lips again. His stomach was no more settled than it had been, but he took a sip anyway, and then reached for the biscuit, determination taking some hold.
"I can," he said. And then he realized that it might not actually make sense as it was stated without any further context. "I mean," he hesitated, staring at the biscuit. He needed to move. That was what he meant. "I should... " he looked up and offered Luna what barely counted as a smile. "I can't stay here forever."
Luna hadn’t followed his line of thought, but she imagined that he meant he could talk to Flash. If it wasn’t that, she didn’t know what it was. She waited patiently for him to finish explaining what he meant. There was a small nod at his words. “Finish your tea. Albus will be in with soup soon.”