Ren Waugh-Solo (behindthemask) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-02-11 23:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, eliot waugh, kylo ren / ben solo |
log; kylo & eliot
Who: Kylo Ren & Eliot Waugh
When: January 29th-ish.
Where: 902, their cabin.
What: Is this like a Define the Relationship sequel conversation? Some clarifications about history (Margo), present (Kylo), and possible future (Fen).
Rating: Low-ish?
Status: COMPLETE.
It had been some time since Eliot had come back from his day out with Margo. The prior day and a half had shown Eliot to be in particularly high spirits. No, he hadn't been happy about the battle that they'd all known was likely coming their way; but he had been happy in the aftermath. Those he cared for had come out largely unscathed. There had been no fatalities. And he and Margo had battled side by side. They'd wrapped their arms around one another when the battle was over and there had been a moment where things felt like they used to. And the following night, with the bonfire, they had been in one another's company almost the entire night. She'd even gotten on with Kylo. It had been good. And it made Eliot crave more. It felt like things were finally changing tide. There had been no unspoken tension in those moments. The arguments that had been shelved weren't hanging over him and he hadn't felt so damn guarded. He'd missed her so much. He'd known he had, of course, but the full weight of it hadn't actually hit him until he had a taste of the way things used to be again. The invitation to spend the day together hadn't gone the way he wanted. They still went out. They fixed the portals, they went to dinner, and they went to karaoke. In the morning, they had plans for the spa. But it was sullied and he wasn't even sure if he could place the blame on anyone but himself. They were back to having discussions unfinished. He didn't know how to finish them. He'd been back for awhile and he'd been more quiet than the previous night. The lifted spirit was gone. Eventually, he'd shifted and placed his head in Kylo's lap, with a hand against his knee, eyes focused out at the bedroom door. And he'd sat in silence for awhile as the gears turned in his head. "I messed up," he finally said, the words coming out with a sigh. Kylo had known. Well, maybe not that specifically, but he'd gotten very good at Eliot's moods. He'd always been able to use the Force with minds easily, but this was different from that. It was something that felt unique to Eliot, and Eliot wasn't Force sensitive, but Kylo felt as if almost from the beginning he'd been more confident of Eliot's moods than he might with others, and now that they had been together and intimate for months, it was easier to check those moods. What Kylo hadn't known, and hadn't dug around for, was the reason for the shift in mood. He just knew that Eliot had returned from his evening, subdued. And Kylo had made space for him on the bed, his mind only half reviewing the words on the page in front of him. By the time Eliot had spoken, Kylo had read the last page five times. He glanced down at the head on his lap, closed the book, his finger in the crease in the pages, and he slid his empty hand up against Eliot's head, sliding fingers through his curls. "With Margo?" It was the obvious question. It wasn't impossible it had to do with something else, but El had just been with Margo, and he'd been in an adorably good mood prior to that. Eliot's eyes shut momentarily as Kylo's fingers found their way into his hair. He focused on the comfort that the tenderness gave him. He'd been all smiles throughout the afternoon and evening. It was likely that anyone who had seen him with Margo had assumed he was in good spirits. But the facade didn't need to be kept up behind closed doors and in front of Kylo. He could let the exhaustion be shown. He nodded his head against Kylo's knees and exhaled some as he reopened his eyes, looking back ahead. "Yes," he answered, because the word allowed him a few more moments of time to collect his thoughts. "Or I think I messed up," he clarified. No, there wasn't any real doubt. He'd allowed for the conversation to take the direction it had. He'd not put an end to it when he could have, instead letting his pride get to him. And even after that, he'd not put an end to it. He'd reminiscenced. That was the mistake. Reminiscing. "We were having a conversation about our past escapades and it crossed over from reminiscing to yearning," he explained, quietly, eyes still focused ahead. "And I didn't divert the conversation from the start. I shouldn't have let it happen." Kylo was quiet for a moment, his fingers continuing their work through Eliot's hair as he considered this explanation and whether or not it seemed like a mistake. It didn't, really, if he were being honest, but obviously Eliot thought it had been one, which probably meant something had happened to make him feel that way specifically. He hadn't been wrong about it being Margo, however and something inside Kylo wished he could make this situation right. It was a strange feeling considering that a few months ago he would have likely brushed that off, and considered it something that wasn't his responsibility. Whether it was or wasn't now, maybe didn't matter so much as he knew it bothered Eliot, and he didn't like that. Right now though, he wasn't certain which part to address, and additionally he wasn't certain he was the best person to address any of it. Eliot aside, he didn't have a stellar record when it came to interpersonal relationships. Still, it was Eliot, and Kylo wanted to help, or at least listen. "It's not just you involved in the conversation," he remarked, fingers massaging Eliot's temple gently. "Margo was also a participant." Ren hesitated, "Why was it a mistake?" "No, it wasn't just me," he agreed. But the issue was that he didn't fault Margo for any of the conversation. It wasn't as if she'd done anything wrong, especially when compared to the way things used to be between them. It was that he'd allowed himself to be drawn into the conversation when it could so easily turn negative. "But I should have known it could turn the way it did," he explained, though he had a feeling it wasn't really enough of an explanation for Kylo to follow the logic of. He sighed once again. "She wants things to be the way they were. Before you, before Fen, before Fillory." And that wasn't something he'd taken into consideration. Not really. He'd been forced into marriage with Fen and the laws, and more importantly the magic, of Fillory had dictated that he'd never be able to be intimate with anyone else but his spouse. On the eve of his wedding night, Margo had been the one to bare the news to him, and she'd been holding back tears as she'd mentioned how much she hated him getting married. His wedding night was the end of his sexual relationship with Margo; and he'd not considered how she might want it to be reinstated now that the magic of Fillory was no longer holding him back. Or perhaps, rather, he'd willfully ignored that possibility. "But you aren't that person, El," Kylo frowned. He really didn't know how far removed Eliot was from there, but he knew that he was at least a year removed from it. He knew also that even if Eliot hadn't loved the marriage to Fen, he had accepted it. And that was before he'd arrived here. "That doesn't mean you're not still a friend." That Kylo was pretty certain of, although he had to admit that sometimes he wasn't certain why Eliot tried to keep a friendship so hard. Kylo couldn't always see how Margo was a good friend to Eliot, but he'd tried not to say much about that. Before the cruise ship, Eliot and Margo had been in the same house, and when Kylo had been there, he was pretty certain they'd had daily conversations, despite the fact that Kylo had been a sore point between them. And when he'd moved out he couldn't have imagined that would happen less, if anything it seemed more likely it would have. And those easy daily conversations had been something Kylo was willing to step back from in order to try to make certain he didn't irrevocably damage his and Eliot's relationship, or for that matter, his and Margo's as he knew that would have an affect on his and Eliot's. Granted they were on the cruise ship now, but Eliot and Margo still talked, and it seemed they'd had fun the night of the party. "What is she wanting that you don't have now?" He asked, trying to understand better. So much of what he knew about Margo and Eliot had come from bits and pieces and assumptions. He needed more than that if he was going to help at all. "No, I'm not," he agreed. He supposed Margo didn't necessarily want him to be completely the person he was before. He'd been in a downward spiral before he'd been shoved forth as the new Monarch of Fillory. If things had kept going the way they'd been going, and the Beast hadn't been an issue, there wasn't necessarily any guarantee that he'd have been able to pull himself up and out of that spiral. And he remembered how he had been succeeding even in pushing Margo away in that era. He was better now and he'd had to start getting better without Margo's help. She hadn't been on the Space Cruise for more than a couple of weeks. She had left, of no choice of her own, and Eliot had been alone. He had succeeded in pulling himself out of the spiral just enough to find people who had likely had no idea as to how much they'd actually helped him. Petunia, Wynnona, Kylo. "I'm always going to be her friend," he agreed, because there was no other alternative in Eliot's eyes. Even when faced with his own personal betrayal from her, he'd not tossed her aside. It didn't seem to matter how angry she made him. He needed her and she needed him. They were a package deal. "She wants us to go back to having our physical relationship." He paused for a moment before feeling the need to add on more to the statement. "I told her 'no.'" Kylo really didn't understand how things had been for Eliot when they'd first met. He'd been too wrapped up in his own pain and feeling ill-placed to really see Eliot's clearly. But that didn't mean that he was completely without awareness of that change. Perhaps he saw Eliot with rose colored glasses at times, but he also saw him as someone that was certainly worthy of the crown he'd been chosen to wear. But whatever he had expected, that hadn't been it. His fingers paused momentarily, the surprise keeping him from continuing without any response, his eyebrows furrowed slightly over his eyes. "Oh." Followed as it was by Eliot's statement that he'd told Margo no, which was not an unwelcome statement, the revelation stirred emotion. Emotions that Kylo wasn't certain he could name adequately, so he didn't try to do so, instead he just took a breath in, and slid his fingers once more through Eliot's hair, this time, sliding them down to the base of his neck and massaging the muscles there. He knew they'd had one, once, and when he'd learned about it, he'd largely managed to keep from being envious of it because he'd told himself it wasn't something that was important to Eliot, but it was obviously important to Margo, which made Kylo wonder if it had mattered more to Eliot too. "Right," he decided he needed to fill the silence somehow, so he said it as much to fill it as anything else. "Is that…" he hesitated, trying to make certain he worded the question adequately. "Is that because that's what you want?" There was a part of Eliot that wanted to turn his head and gaze up at Kylo, to gauge his lover's reaction more properly, and with the right amount of concern. He didn't feel as though he shouldn't have spoken about this with Kylo. It was just that he didn't know completely how to speak about it, which was why there was uncertainty in a lot of Eliot's phrasing. He didn't completely know what he wanted. It made talking to Margo difficult and it made recounting to Kylo even more so. But, he didn't turn to look up at him, not quite yet. He exhaled as Kylo's finger tips began moving through his curls once again, as his own mind went cycling back to the conversation with Margo. "I wouldn't want to start that up with her again without talking to you," he said, with a complete sense of honesty. "And I told her as much." "I know I haven't wanted to be with anyone else since I've been with you." He didn't know if that was going to change and he didn't want to promise it wouldn't. But, for the present moment in time, it was true. "That's not how things used to be, though. You're..." he paused, shifting some now so he could look up at him, "...you're the longest I've ever been with someone," he explained. Kylo nodded. His dark eyes remained serious as he looked down at Eliot. It would be a lie to say that Kylo wasn’t somewhat jealous at the idea of Margo and Eliot having a physical relationship. He wasn’t certain it was rational as obviously emotionally the two were incredibly close and always had been. He’d known, if not before, as he’d known with Fen, that Margo and Eliot had been close in that way before. And nothing about what they’d gotten into had any sort of promise of never anyone else. If anything, Kylo knew that if Fen ever showed up, there was a marriage certificate and possibly a child, that would hold claim to Eliot, even if not to his affections. This felt different than that though, and threatened to breathe dim embers of insecurity into something more vibrant, while the last statement cooled them again, if not completely. His opinion and perspective mattered, which was more than he could really ask for with anyone, honestly. It was more than he felt he’d usually been granted. "I’ve never been with anyone like you… like this. Anything before was –" he moistened his lips and tried to think what he could say. There had been some kisses, and Hux, when they’d been on the island, and perhaps that could have been something, although at this point Kylo doubted that it could ever have become anything close to this, even if he sometimes missed the dismissive, and sometimes possessive way Hux would say ‘Ren’. "You’re the longest I’ve ever been with anyone as well," he admitted. Eliot was the only person he’d ever said that he loved, and he couldn’t imagine saying it to anyone else. "I like having you." Eliot thought on that statement for awhile. It didn't necessarily surprise him with what he knew of Kylo's history. The Jedi, traditionally, discouraged emotional attachments. He couldn't say one way or another if this had been part of Kylo's training under Luke, that his Uncle would have actively discouraged Kylo from exploring connections. But Eliot was fairly certain that it was an element. And it wasn't as though Kylo would have had much time to do so after he left Luke's temple. As far as Eliot believed, until proven otherwise, Snoke was more about keeping Kylo on a tight leash than anything else. It had made sense, in this context, that Kylo would have had his attraction to Hux. You are more likely to develop feelings for those you are in most contact with. He tilted his head back just enough that he could gaze upwards at Kylo. "We're firsts in a way, aren't we?" He said, with a fondness, but the sentiment wasn't followed through with further tenderness, because the main discussion was still lingering in Eliot's mind, and just as quick as he'd looked up to Kylo, his gaze shifted back to look across the room. His hands moved, fingers clasping together, and resting against his chest as he exhaled. "Margo and I were always intimate, Kylo," he said, his voice quiet. He didn't know if this had ever been explicitly confirmed or not. Eliot had gone about all of his conversations about his sexual history wrong, and he was only really beginning to realize this. There were of course reasons as to why that had happened. It was never malicious. It was just that there were factors. And one of the major ones, in the beginning, was not wanting to harm Kylo's feelings. And, once a division had been created between Kylo and Margo, Eliot didn't necessarily feel comfortable coming out and talking about Margo often; and certainly not in that context. Not unless Kylo had asked. Eliot would have told answered almost anything the man asked. "It's a foundation in her relationship with me." He hesitated now as he tried to figure out what felt relevant and important to say. "I gave up on trying to date much of anyone," he explained, his thumb running against the back of his own hand. "It didn't feel necessary. I had someone I could always rely on, and that was her. And...we weren't together. It was never like you or I. Margo was never my girlfriend but...Margo was and is my best friend. Back home? There is no one I love as much as her." He didn't allow for a long gap of silence but there was a lull after this as he continued to examine the door. "It makes this situation very difficult," he said with an even quieter voice. "I know what I want right now is just you. I've never just been with one person at once. I've never loved someone the way I love you but... I... don't want to lose you if that changes," he was practically whispering now. "And I'm afraid of it changing." Kylo didn’t respond to Eliot’s question, it felt rhetorical, but Kylo was aware that everything about this was a first for him. Kylo had never had anyone in his life like Eliot, and when he thought about losing him for any reason - to the portal, his own stupidity, to Margo - there was a frantic edge that threatened his calm. It was there now, worrying at the back of his mind as volatile emotion that Jedi training had never stripped out of him. Kylo still didn’t know how he’d sat in a room with someone who had been more or less a stranger to him, and willingly shared his deepest shame and regret. What had it been about Eliot in that moment? Self-awareness was not one of his strengths, although the past year had been a lesson in improving it, but Kylo believed he’d offered Eliot trust there, and it had come back to him and it was the only thing keeping him still as the conversation turned yet more uncomfortable. He hadn’t known that about Margo and Eliot. It should have felt like a betrayal that Eliot hadn’t told him earlier, but it… didn’t. Had Kylo known, and just tried to avoid it? Had the pieces been there and he’d tried to just not think about them? He’d understood that despite Eliot’s frustration with what Margo had done to Fen and his daughter, he still wanted Margo in his life. Did Eliot miss what they’d had? Did he want it back? Kylo bit the inside of his cheek hard and the momentary pain of that, focused him away from explosion of questions. Eliot’s final words helped further: Eliot wanted him. Just him. Eliot had always told him things when it mattered. They were having this conversation weren't they? Words. He needed to figure out words. “I- I didn’t realise that,” he frowned, and brought his free hand up, rubbing the back of his neck for a moment. There were a dozen questions: Kylo had honestly thought Eliot preferred men, but apparently also Margo, who wasn’t a man. Margo hadn’t been a girlfriend, but also been a steady sexual relationship. Kylo had to admit that the one piece of all of this that maybe made more sense suddenly was Margo’s reaction to him. Maybe it wasn’t just who he was, but also that he was with Eliot. That was weirdly relieving, even if Margo had been the source of a difficult conversation with Leia – the one that wasn’t his mom – about Han. But that had been a conversation that had needed to happen anyway. Kylo sighed. “There’s always been the possibility of Fen,” Kylo finally said aloud falling back to something easier, but relevant. “There’s always been the possibility that it won’t be just the two of us forever. I knew that before I ever kissed you, if not before I fell in love with you. I know that’s not what you’re talking about here, but Fen could show up, and I would no longer be the only person in your life regardless of what either of us might want now, or in five years.” His fingers found Eliot's hair again, sliding through it was steadying, even if his voice felt tight in his throat and sounded strange in his ears. "I want you. I want to be enough for you. I don't want to share you at all, but I've always known I might have to." Eliot let his gaze wander to his hands with Kylo's initial words and the sigh that followed. He wasn't certain how Kylo was going to take this revelation. Would he want to ask questions? And if so, what would they be? He'd assumed they were going to continue speaking about Margo, for this was where Eliot's thoughts were, and so when Kylo mentioned Fen's name, Eliot's eyebrows came together in confusion. "Fen?" He repeated, in a tone that conveyed the same meaning as 'what?' Kylo did have a point. Fen was always looming in the back of Eliot's mind, though not as any sexual desire. He hadn't thought of his wife in a sexual context since his wedding night. His face came together in a display of almost disinterest over the idea. "Maybe Fen would be into an open marriage," he stated, though it wasn't as if either he or Kylo would really know the answer to that. He supposed that perhaps he'd come to eventually enjoy an occasional tryst with Fen, back home, but it wasn't something he'd considered as a factor for here. Having Fen in their lives was always viewed through a platonic gaze from Eliot. Perhaps foolishly. He exhaled as the Kylo's fingers moved through his hair. He didn't know what really to say to that. He knew that he felt similarly. He wanted for this to be enough for him. He just didn't know if he trusted himself enough to say it would be. And if the possibility of being shared with someone was on the table? His choice was not Fen. He shifted, pulling himself from Kylo's lap so he could sit up, and as he did, he turned to face the other man. "I don't want to be shared with Fen." His sense of obligation was present and he certainly wanted Fen to be in their company; but in another room and as someone he saw during the day. As someone he could help raise their child with. As a friend. "At least, not when it comes to this." Eliot was more than aware that there would be no way around splitting his attention between his wife, his lover, and his child. But that wasn't the same as bedding Fen. Maybe Fen would be and maybe she wouldn’t be. Kylo wasn’t certain and having even less acquaintance with Fen than Eliot did there was no way he could guess. The point had been that sharing had been something he’d thought he needed to consider from the beginning of things. Just not like this. “All right,” he said, shifting his shoulders and then his body so that they were face to face. He hated feeling at a loss, but the uncertainty was definitely present. He moistened his lips and looked across the room as if he might find an answer on the wall there. Eliot had said no to Margo but had he wanted that? If he did want Margo… Kylo didn’t like the idea. He hadn’t really realised, he should have maybe. Everything made more sense with it being this way. His gaze returned to Eliot’s face trying to sort out emotions and being uncertain of which were his and which might be Eliot’s. There was no clarity to be found in the attempt of it. “And Margo?” He'd pulled from Kylo, and pulled from the relative safety that had been that shared space. Now, looking forward at him, he could feel his own anxiety about the topic returning. There had been a larger point to Kylo's words, hadn't there? He felt a sense of frustration towards himself for getting lost in the technicalities but his mind had been on Margo. Fen had been a curveball in a way. But the more important matter of what Kylo had been trying to say still went unacknowledged on Eliot's end. His fingers twitched and there was a flicker of desire for a distraction to help him think. Kylo's hands in his hair had been helpful but he'd pulled himself from that of his own accord. And there were no more cigarettes to be had. Instead, for now, his fingers flexed against the mattress as he tried to come together with a reply. He didn't know what to say about Margo. He didn't know what was directly being asked. He could infer but there was many ways it could have been meant. "I want us to be enough," he chose as answer, referring back to Kylo's choice of words. It felt as if something released with those words. Maybe it wasn’t a complete answer or even a forever one, but it was enough in the moment for Kylo to visibly relax. Margo might want something, but Eliot didn’t - at least at the moment. At least that was what Kylo was reading from what Eliot was saying even though he hadn’t specified exactly. That acknowledgment made his throat tighten slightly and he swallowed to clear it before he said anything. “Eliot, I love you like I’ve never loved anyone and I didn’t think it was possible to feel so at peace with someone... Especially for me. I only want you and it sounds like right now you feel the same,” the words felt almost too bold but he rushed forward before he could second guess saying them. “You’ll talk to me, if that changes for any reason?” A weak smile was offered up as soon as Kylo's words were presented out to Eliot. Ignoring the first time Eliot had heard them spoken to him from Kylo, where he'd been in somewhat of an emotional panic over the idea of losing Kylo, that phrase always managed to summon up a smile of some sort. It was words that he didn't think he would ever tire of. Kylo wasn't too bold in his statement. This was the truth, regardless of a moment of minor yearning for what had once been. He was enjoying what they had and what they had now. And, hearing those words, Eliot let out a slight sigh. He wasn't sure how he was meant to handle things if they did ever change. Should he try to act on the desire for change? Or ignore it completely? It was a worry for the future, he supposed. A worry that may never come to fruition. He was thinking far too ahead for his own good, instead of in this moment right now, where he knew the answer. He just wanted Kylo and Kylo was enough. He'd just need to redefine things with Bambi. At some point. "I'll talk to you," he agreed, because that was always going to be the way of it. He wasn't going to do anything without discussing with Kylo. Kylo's views mattered. Hesitating for a moment, he reached out and placed his hand against Kylo's. "Are we alright?" Kylo glanced down at their hands, and followed the glance by a motion to slide his up into Eliot's, twining fingers through the other man's, a physical illustration of how he was certain by this point that he always wanted to be. Recently he had been more aware of the fact that what he had here with Eliot was something unlike anything he'd ever had before, and anything he could hope for at home - at least anytime in the near future. He might not have intended to weave his life into Eliot's, but he had somehow done so, and Eliot had done the same for him, and Kylo hoped that would last - maybe as it was - for as long as they were together in this dimension. He brought his gaze back up and sought out Eliot's. The raw edge of uncertainty if he was making a mistake in trusting Eliot was there - it reared its head from time to time because Kylo had never had much luck in trusting anyone in the long term. But as he reached out to Eliot, the edges softened again as they seemed to always do. His gaze softened too, the intensity replaced by the hope he held for them in his heart. Sometimes it felt so fragile, other times, it felt as strong as kyber. Aloud he said simply, before leaning in to brush his lips gently against Eliot's: "we're good." |