Alice the Infallible (phosphoromancy) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-01-22 23:30:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !log/thread, alice quinn, takashi shirogane / shiro |
Who: Alice Quinn & Shiro
When: January 21st, after this and this
Where: Alice & Tara's Suite
What: Shiro tells Alice about his conversation with Allura. They both give each other an out. Neither take it.
Warnings: Mild. References to a previous relationship that ended because of infidelity.
Status: COMPLETE.
Shiro was really overwhelmed. He wouldn’t say this was the last thing he had been expecting, but it was fairly close. He had been utterly caught off guard by Allura’s confession and receiving those messages while he was with Alice made it more difficult to process. Matt had made a valid point in asking Shiro how he felt about Allura, but that was a door that Shiro had never opened before and didn’t intend to right now. He wouldn’t have said that he was ready for any sort of romantic relationship while he was in the Castle (or even here to be fair, but that was somehow Alice and he could work. He didn’t need to make a play at being okay. He could be vulnerable and show where he was hurt, and Alice wouldn’t think him any less of a leader for it -- and he didn’t need to worry about that, because he didn’t have to protect her from anything. But there were also times when he just forgot all that pain too. She made him happy in a light-hearted sort of way that he didn’t think he’d ever recover. That was part of what he didn’t know how to explain to Allura or Keith; sometimes, when he was here, he did forget that he didn’t have a mission. There was nothing for him to fight here, and there was instances, particularly because of Alice, when he could be okay with that. He didn’t know how to tell Allura all of that without hurting her. And that was the real problem. He could only tell her no, but he knew that no was going to hurt her to some extent, and he didn’t know it would change their relationship -- and that relationship was very important to Shiro. She had believed in him and the team, and she had given Shiro that ability to fight again; she was the one who had given him a mission. And she always had been the soul of Voltron in that way -- keeping them on track, but making sure that they were doing things the right way. Keeping that moral center. He was afraid to lose that. He was also conflicted, because he wanted Alice to be able to get along with the entire team, because he was so amused and touched by how she and Lance bonded. And he doubted that this news would be easy. Some part of him very much didn’t want to tell her, because how was this something that could be broken easily, and she was already having such a tough time here. But Matt was right. Honesty was the best policy. They were probably all going to be hurt by this, but it wasn’t Shiro’s right to take away Alice’s reaction to something that concerned her. She had the right to make decisions with this information. So, he swallowed, told her that he was sorry that he was going to tell her something that might be difficult to her, and that shared that Allura had just said that she had feelings for him over the network. … Alice had been able to tell that something was wrong. Since their arrival on the cruise ship, Alice herself had been in a pretty dreadful mood and had been giving off vibes that read 'give me space.' Shiro had willingly done so and hadn't seemed to be upset with her for needing time to process her frustration about their current situation. Her priorities were her magic and they always had been. Thus, being on the cruise ship without any of her resources and anyway to continue her pursuit of fully regaining her power, had made it so she didn't want to be around anyone. But her mood had been softening over the past few days, as she shifted her outlook on the situation and decided to try to do what she could with the time. Shiro had asked to come over that night. Considering how little they'd seen one another up until that night, him constantly glancing down at his phone and eventually mentioning that he needed a moment to finish a conversation, was enough for Alice to assume something was wrong. She did her best not to pry but there wasn't really anywhere for her to go in the suite. She could have gone out into the main living quarters but she ran risk of running into Tara if she did that. And while she liked Tara, she wasn't in a mood to socialize with anyone but Shiro. So she'd kept herself busy with her phone, playing a mindless bubble game, while occasionally glancing to the side to keep a tab on him. As Shiro had been one of the only people Alice had to rely on when she'd first arrived, she'd gotten rather proficient in reading him. The subtle shifts in his demeanor could tip her off. By the time he'd finished with his phone, and was finally giving her his full attention, she was displaying a worried expression as she hit the power button on her own phone to pocket it. The admission that Shiro presented to her was not what Alice had been expecting. Truth be told, she didn't really know what to expect, though she'd assumed it had something to do with the other Paladins. A raised eyebrow was greeted to his statement of how this would be difficult for her because she couldn't fathom what to expect. Allura having feelings for Shiro wasn't so much as difficult but confusing. "Why would she tell you that?" … “I don’t know,” Shiro admitted, because he was struggling with that part a little bit too. He guessed that, perhaps, it had something to do with the fact that this was all a recent realization to Allura, but he was at a loss for what she could have expected or hoped for from him for this. He didn’t peg Allura as duplicitous and doubted that she had done this with the intention of breaking him and Alice up. But that didn’t necessarily make this any easier to deal with. … She cast her gaze away from Shiro with his response. There was a flash of aggravation that went across her expression but she didn't want the aggravation to be misinterpreted as being directed at him. She wasn't aggravated with him nor with his uncertainty and thus inability to answer her own question. The only person who could actually answer that was Allura. She kept her gaze on the floor and her arms shifted, crossing over her chest, in a very guarded manner. In a way she hadn't done much around Shiro these past few months. "It is unfair to you," she commented, quietly, before tilting her head back up to look at Shiro. … Shiro didn’t really want to reflect on what position this put in him. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but he didn’t really want to put that sort of blame on Allura. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “These sorts of things aren’t really fair to anyone, are they?” he asked. He wanted to ask her how she felt about this entire thing and if she was okay, but he didn’t want to press her if she didn’t want to share that with him. He didn’t really know how to have this conversation at all, he realized. And he was scared he was going to mess it up and hurt Alice worse. … "Allura would have to deal with it regardless. There's no reason to put it on you," she replied, her arms tightening against her chest. The only reason she could think to even bring it up to Shiro was if she somehow thought that it would magically make Shiro want to drop everything and give her attention. That couldn't have been it, could it? She took in steadying breaths and let her gaze fall back to the floor. "Do you think she ... was hoping for a certain outcome?" … Shiro breathed out quietly. This was part of what he had been afraid of. He really didn’t want Alice and Allura pitted against each other -- and certainly not because of him. But he understood, to a certain point, he was kind of irrelevant in how he could influence how they behaved toward each other. “Alice,” Shiro said quietly. He reached slowly and carefully for one of her hands, leaving her plenty of space to pull away if she wanted to. “I can’t tell you what Allura is thinking or feeling or why she did things the way she did. “I can only tell you that I don’t want anything to change.” ... She lifted her head just enough that she could gaze over her glasses at Shiro. Her questions weren't going to get her nowhere. Shiro didn't have answers and she couldn't be upset with him for being unable to give them to her. But there was question after question building up inside of her and they were rapidly moving away from Allura's declaration towards Shiro's feelings. Alice hadn't ever considered a possibility that Shiro had feelings for Allura. Everything Alice had known about the paladins and the princess had been from his stories. His stories, and a fondness for them, had been why Alice had been so ecstatic to meet the group and been beyond happiness when they'd finally arrived in Tumbleweed. They were important to Shiro and thus this made them important as far as Alice was concerned. But she'd never gotten any inclination that perhaps there was unspoken emotions between Shiro and the Princess. Had she just been blinded to something so obvious? No, that didn't seem possible. She felt as if she was radiating frustration, because she was now trying to keep everything inside of her, because she didn't want to hurt Shiro. "I know you can't," she whispered, allowing for him to take her hand, and begrudgingly uncrossing her arms. "Are you sure? Because...if you do, I'd rather know now." … “I’m sure, Alice,” Shiro said without any hesitation -- because he didn’t have any. “If this is all too much, I get it. This isn’t what you signed up for.” He paused. “I’ve been really happy being with you,” he said quietly. “I didn’t really ever think about dating again, and if I had, I wouldn’t have expected it to be this easy. I like that we can have fun together and laugh, but I also like that I don’t have to hide the parts of me that are hurting from you. That I don’t have to act like I’m happy when I’m not. That all helps me feel like a person again.” It was a lot, he knew -- more emotion to throw into what was already a complicated night, but he didn’t know how else to do this. ... She shut her eyes with his words. Her eyes were stinging now and she wanted to curse herself for it. Instead, she just tilted her head up towards the ceiling, keeping her eyes shut in defiance; though her hand clinched his tight because he was sure. Unbeknownst to her, the smallest whimper escaped from the back of her throat, before she swallowed hard. "That'd be pretty damn silly of me," she commented, her voice sounding off. She let her head drop back down and she opened her eyes, giving him a weak smile. "It isn't like you did anything, Shiro," she reminded him. She kept the weak smile as he spoke. A lot of what he was saying was applicable to how she felt. Alice's main interest was her magic. Dating seemed to be counterproductive to that pursuit. And for awhile, when she'd begun to finally feel human once again, she'd thought about falling back into routine. She'd thought she'd given hints to Quentin about trying for that, but none of them had been picked up, and eventually she gave up the desire to return to the familiar; especially in light of realizing that what had been comfort for her all this time wasn't the familiar at all. It was the present, with Shiro, and that had only grown in intensity as they'd tumbled forward to where they were now. "You make me feel like a person," she repeated, because it was a truth. Shiro not only made her feel like a person but he made her want to be. When she was with him, she didn't chase the fire anymore. She still chased magic, because magic was in her soul, but destruction of herself to become only magic was not a goal when in his company. He grounded her. Chewing on the inside of her lip, she took a step forward towards him and the bed. In one swift movement, she'd pulled her hand away from his, but her arms had move to circle around his neck, as she pressed her chest against his and buried her face down into the crook of his neck. … It was hard to keep talking when she made that quiet noise and clutched at his hand so tightly, but he was in it now. He had to say what he was saying and let her make whatever decision she made. And he would live with it. Even if it hurt, he told him, he was better for the last few months. Even if they eventually fell apart, she had been a part of his healing. But it felt like breathing again when she wrapped her arms around him. He pulled her in close, maybe a little tighter than what would have been comfortable, one arm around her waist and the other cupping quietly at the back of her head. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. “Good,” he said quietly, a little teasingly now. “Because I like your person.” ... She let herself relax as soon as his arms were around her. She slipped a hand up to tangle in his hair and she nuzzled momentarily against his neck, taking in a long and shaky breath. Her smile returned and grew wide with the kiss to her head. "Even when I'm cranky and complaining about a free vacation?" She asked against the skin of his neck, turning her head to the side so she could look up at him and wait for the answer. … Normally, he would have joked about that, too, but he didn’t want her to feel like he was making light of the fact that she had been struggling here. He wasn’t unaware of that, but that didn’t make him anything less of her or make him want to be around her any less. “Alice, I don’t expect you or want you to be happy all the time,” he said, cupping his hand against the side of her face. “I care about you when you’re hurting and sad too. I don’t go away just because you’re having a hard time.” … That was good and she knew, somewhere inside, that he was speaking the truth. She wasn't ever going to be completely happy all the time. In fact, her track record for being able to say she was happy was better when Shiro was around than when he wasn't. But even he wasn't enough sometimes. She turned her head just enough so she could press her lips to the palm of his hand. "Alright," she whispered in response, before letting her gaze drift back to meet his. "Will you promise me something, Shiro?" … “Yes?” Shiro asked. He knew that he couldn’t carte blanche promise her anything and everything without what she was going to ask first, but he already knew that he would do anything within his power to give her what she wanted right now. And if he couldn’t, he was at least going to be absolutely honest about that. ... "If anything changes, and you decide you don't want to be in this anymore, will you tell me?" She asked, pulling away just enough so she could gaze in his eyes properly, though her arms remained looped around his neck. "Quentin wasn't brave enough to tell me," she whispered, as a memory flashed of the way the sun had filtered in through the blinds onto the pile of bodies in Margo's bedroom that fateful morning. … That was not a difficult thing to promise, although he felt bad that a lot of this had sunk into painful memories for her. “I promise,” Shiro answered. He looked at her as he said, so that she could tell that he wasn’t lying and that he didn’t have any fear of making that promise. Then, he leaned in to kiss her gently, smoothing a thumb along her cheek. “Are we okay?” he asked quietly, ducking his face down to be a little closer to hers. … He promised and she didn't have any doubt of him meaning it, which was a relief in of itself. She hadn't thought he would have issue with it but the question had felt like it needed to be asked, in lieu of her history. Even if she and Shiro didn't last for the long haul, she at least knew he wasn't going to betray her trust. Having leaned into the kiss, she only broke from it when he did and she gave a small nod of her head, as she let her hand move back up to tangle in his hair. "Yes," she replied before looking back to him. "Stay tonight?" |