Any chance of speaking to his father left Luke uncertain, of late. Though he'd insisted to Leia that they needed to engage with Anakin, that leaving him alone would only make things worse, he couldn't ignore what Anakin had said. Confessed to, really. Their father had killed their mother, by his own admission, had almost killed Luke and Leia as well in the process. What was Luke supposed to say to that?
One luxury Jedi did not have, in Luke's mind, was hiding from their problems, least of all ones that left the potential for a Sith Lord to lash out against others. More importantly, Anakin was his father. He had to do something.
Luke didn't call or message ahead. He arrived at the house and reached out with the Force to Anakin.
Father.
Just a single word, enough for Anakin to know that he'd like to talk, if Anakin would come.
Thus far, it hadn't been usual for Luke to show up unexpectedly, and Anakin indeed had not expected it when Luke mentally reached out to him. Even before Luke had arrived, Anakin had wrestled with how to eventually tell Leia what had happened; having Luke here had made it even more important to confess, but Anakin hadn't known how to do it. He hadn't wanted to destroy his relationships with his children yet he hadn't wanted to keep such an enormous secret from them either. He especially hadn't wanted them to learn in such an unplanned outburst.
But at least they had learned it from him, not some other 'displaced' telling them or watching the 'stories' or otherwise not coming from their own family. That would have been even worse.
Son. I'll be right out. Anakin hastily abandoned his current task to head to the front entrance.
Luke gathered his patience and his calm. He could easily make demands of his father, become angry with him or desperate, but that was not the Jedi way. At least, Luke thought that it wasnāt. His discussions with Anakin and Ahsoka had revealed that he knew little of the order he was meant to revive, in some fashion. Heād come to wonder if heād been right about restoring the Jedi at all. He reminded himself that neither Anakinās nor Ahsokaās accounts were entirely unbiased, but couldnāt he say the same of Benās and Yodaās?
Setting those thoughts aside for the time being, Luke strode along the edges of the property, putting his anxious energy into motion and settling his thoughts with the steady rhythm of one step after another. He wished he knew what to say when his father emerged. Perhaps, if he could calm his own worries, the Force would guide him in that.
The door opened after a few minutes, and Luke turned to meet Anakin.
āLetās go for a walk,ā he suggested, the words coming to him along with a keen sense that this conversation was best held away from others.
Anakin closed the door behind him with a small nod. He could sense Luke's agitation, and it wasn't difficult to guess that the cause of it was likely himself. As they'd discussed with each other before, it was easier for Anakin to keep in motion than find stillness, especially when dealing with emotions. A walk was a very good idea.
"It's good to see you," Anakin said.
āThank you for coming out to talk to me.ā Luke summoned a smile for his father, genuine if uncertain. He began walking toward an area he knew from previous visits was typically empty of people. It would give him and his father some privacy.
āIām sorry to interrupt you, but I thought we should spend some time together. I have questions.ā Luke cast a glance at the older man. āYou donāt have to answer them, but Iād appreciate it if you could.ā
"There's no need to thank me for it— but you're welcome."
Anakin has taken to wearing his hooded robe again, and the voluminous sleeves were helpful for tucking his hands inside. It was an old nervous gesture of his when he was uncomfortable in some way. "I will do my best to answer you. You deserve answers, butā¦ I'm sorry, I can't guarantee how well I'll handle answering them."
āI know.ā Lukeās gaze fell to the ground at their feet. He wished there were an easier way to do this, but he needed to understand what was happening in Anakinās mind. It was a matter of safety, as well as family.
āFather, what happened? Can you tell me that? Iāve heard so many versions, now. I understand that each is going to be colored by individual perceptions, but can you give me a more complete picture?ā
"Can you be more specific about what you want to know about?" Anakin had done a great many things, after all, and he could assume Luke meant what he'd disclosed, but it could easily be one of his other numerous crimes. He didn't know what things Luke would have heard 'many versions' of, too.
Luke held his tongue for a little while, as the two of them walked and he thought further on what he wanted to say. There really was no good way to do this, especially with Anakin being so unstable.
āYou didnāt know about Leia. You thought that our mother was gone. You didnāt seem to know about me, either. Why? I know what you said on the network, but what really happened?ā
Curling in on himself while walking wasn't easy, but Anakin was doing what he could. He kept his eyes forward, not wanting to see Luke's face.
āIām sure.ā Not a secondās hesitation marked Lukeās words. āToo many things have been hidden, from all of us, and I donāt see any way to move beyond that except the truth. But to get to the truth, I have to know how you see it.ā He paused, then added, āPlease, Father.ā
Anakin stopped walking and turned away from Luke, standing still for a brief time. When he resumed walking, he took his arms out of his sleeves and his gait had changed to a heavier, almost marching step. Bringing up his most painful memories was something he still hadn't learned how to cope with, so heā¦ didn't.
"As you wish," Vader said. "After I pledged myself to the dark side and the Emperor, I was sent to purge the Jedi Temple, and then to eliminate the Separatist leadership on Mustafar. Obi-Wan had told your mother of my turn. She did not believe him. She came for me on Mustafar. Obi-Wan was with her, though he did not reveal himself immediately. Your mother recognized that Obi-Wan had spoken true, and she rejected me. I saw Obi-Wan. I believed she had betrayed me and brought him to kill me." He paused, not wanting to say the words.
A shiver that touched upon his base instincts ran through Lukeās body, telling him to either freeze in place or to run. In response, he reached out to the Force and wrapped it around himself. The sensation was less one of warmth against the cold, and more one of security and comfort, the calm surety of an ally at oneās back.
Still, Luke was surprised to find that Vaderās sudden presence was familiar, almost more so than Anakinās. The young Jedi listened with a sense of detachment that came from his close contact with the Force. It was not dissociation, as Anakin had just done, so much as an acceptance that the events his father relayed were already set, and could not be changed.
āYou attacked her,ā he remarked, calmly, an observation rather than accusation or condemnation. āYou believed that you had killed her, and with her, the child that she carried.ā
"Yes." Vader's simple answer was laden with guilt and regret. The dissociation was a defense, but it still couldn't remove all emotion. He became more detached, which was easier in some ways than the emotional volatility he'd had throughout his younger years, but certain emotions sharpened and became more potent as well— those that fueled the dark side. This old, deep grief wasn't power.
What he sensed from Luke was so unlike their encounter in Cloud City, much more controlled and matured. It was a state that had always escaped Anakin, and certainly not one encouraged as a Sith. Maybe it was something he could learn from his son.
"In that moment, I knew I had harmed her, but I didn't believe I had killed her. I still sensed her life. It was only later when my surgeries were complete and I was placed in the suit that the Emperor told me I'd killed her."
Luke frowned at that, exploring the words and their implications, the Force nudging him down certain paths of thought that he could never have followed as a son grieving for a mother, or for the pain caused to his family. āHe wanted you to believe that you had. He would have told you the same, even if sheād lived.ā His brow furrowed. āThe Emperor knew you well enough to understand how to increase your power without creating an immediate danger to himself.ā
Ever since Bespin, Luke had recognized that Vader wasnāt in collusion with the Emperor so much as under his control. His understanding of that fragile balance had grown as he stood before the Emperor on the second Death Star, and seen firsthand how skillfully the other man had manipulated Vader ā¦ though not skillfully enough. Perhaps, if Luke had developed that awareness sooner, he might have been able to do more to save his father, to prevent Anakinās redemption from being paid for with his life.
āYouāre still punishing yourself for what you did. You always have been, havenāt you?ā
Vader considered the words; Luke's insight had followed some of his own paths of thought over the years, mostly the more recent ones. When he'd found out Luke was his son, it had called into question many, many conversations with the Emperor over the years, but especially that first one when he emerged from the surgeries.
It seems, in your anger, you killed her. Yes, even if Palpatine had known otherwise, that was precisely the thing he would have said to further his years-long manipulations of his apprentice. Palpatine knew exactly how to goad his apprentice into actions of Palpatine's own choosing. In those rare times that Vader had acted independently in ways that did not meet with the Emperor's approval, punishment was swift and severe. The Emperor knew how to limit the powerful bursts of Force lightning to those that would make his point without permanently compromising the life support mechanisms. Damage enough to require extensive repairs, yes, but not so far that he destroyed his own apprentice. That would have beenā¦ wasteful, after all the years and energies invested in shaping and controlling Vader.
But that control had slipped with learning about Luke. Until that point, Vader had moved through his existence without any serious thought of challenging the Emperor; what life did he have outside of what the Emperor and his own actions had led him to become? With Luke, however, he had briefly opened up to the possibility of more, what Luke's own mother had rejected before Anakin had attacked herā¦ and what Luke, of course, rejected as well. Rule the galaxy? Never.
Youāre still punishing yourself for what you did. You always have been, havenāt you?
Vader could only answer that with another, quieter, "Yes."
Luke paused and turned to face his father. The Jedi veneer slipped, Luke as an individual peering out from behind the veil.
āWhen will you stop?ā he asked, earnestly. āYouāre hurting more than just yourself with this.ā
"I don't understand." Vader frowned in confusion.
The young Jedi expelled a sharp breath in frustration. How could his father be so nearsighted? Heād pulled the rest of the galaxy into his suffering, and he was still pulling his family and friends into it here in Tumbleweed.
āThe people who care about you hurt to see you hurting, and you respond by lashing out and building even more pain. That might work well to fuel the Dark Side, but you can be more than that. Iāve seen it.ā
"Perhaps you are right." Vader was unconvinced just yet, but he was at least considering it. "It is what I deserve, but it is not what any of you deserve. If I remembered what you remembered, perhaps I would find it less difficult to believe.
"If you want to know precisely what I did to your mother, what else occurred on Mustafar, I will tell you, but it may cause you pain. You seem to be managing it well so far."
āThatās because I release my emotion into the Force.ā Luke abruptly wished he were wearing his robes so he could tuck his hands into the sleeves. The gesture tended to bring an odd sense of security and calm. āWould it help, if you explained what happened?ā He wondered if his father could reach out to the Force for guidance as he did, or if the Dark Sideās influence were too powerful.
"The Jedi wished me to do that," Vader said. "I was not especially successful at it. Their relationship to the Force was too different from mine. Emotions weren't as potent for them, and neither was the Force." Other Jedi described quiet, peace, or a pleasant sense of connection when they meditated and gave their emotions over to the Force. When he had meditated as a Jedi with their traditional methods, he instead felt too connected, too aware of everything and everyone, like the Force was screaming through him. It wasn't restful for him. The Sith way, of course, wasn't about seeking peace or balance.
He considered Luke's question and did not find any certainty to his own answer. "I do not know, but I know that if it's something you wish to know, you'll eventually press me into sharing it if now isn't the time."
Luke considered the options before them. His father had been surprisingly forthcoming. He could take advantage of that now, rather than leave the inclination to fade. The opportunity might not come again. Would it do anyone any good, though? Luke found that he doubted it.
āNo,ā he shook his head. āNo, I donāt think we need to go that far into it. Not now.ā He ran a hand through his hair, a distant sense of psychological fatigue reaching him through the bolstering presence of the Force. āAre you able to speak to me as Anakin? I think, for anything to change for the better at this juncture, you have to be able to do that.ā
"It hasn't been a conscious decision, Son. Certain matters are tooā¦ emotional, and I must separate myself from them or lose myself in rage or pain. In the past, I have attacked or killed many in such a state, such as those who killed my own mother. Or your mother." Not that Vader wasn't known for his own murderousness, but it was a more controlled and deliberate sort than Anakin's wild fury. "It seems that with this place expanding my memories, I've been given an alternative way of managing my emotions."
āAre you managing them?ā Luke challenged. āOr are you just putting them into a different box?ā He shook his head. āYouāre walking a path youāve already taken. It ended ā¦ ā Luke hesitated. His own control slipped another inch, like a man slowly losing his hold on the edge of a cliff. Where Luke had fared better than his father had been his ability to re-establish himself ā¦ eventually.
āIt didnāt end well, Father. When people make a story of it, it might sound as though everything was neatly wrapped up, but I canāt help but think you could have done so much more, if youād had the chance.ā
"How would you suggest I manage them, then? The 'box' that is imbalanced, unstable, liable to strike out with more than just words?" Vader crossed his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrows. He wasn't sure any more what he was sensing from Luke, but he'd have to probe more to understand.
"I'm aware of my fate. It will end in my death after saving you from my master." The words were matter-of-fact, but the tone was heavier. "It isn't what I want. If I could chooseā¦ but it isn't something I can change."
āBut you can take a different path here!ā Luke insisted. āYou can change the cycle. You donāt have to stay like this. You have a chance. Weāre as far from the Emperor and the Empire as it may be possible to get.ā Now it was Lukeās turn to become emotional. His Jedi control was cast aside in favor of the son who wanted his father to set aside the Dark Side and get better.
āI think youāve tread the same steps over and over again that youāve worn a chasm you canāt see out of, and you wonāt look up to notice when someone is offering you a hand to pull you out.ā
"A different path here, but only here." His shoulders slumped, and Vader— Anakin— sighed. "The chances that I have aren't going to last when I'm gone from here. I have been trying, Luke. But maybe I don't truly know how to grasp what is offered."
āThen ask. Reach out.ā Luke gestured with one hand, sweeping it out to encompass the area around them. āMother is here. Leia is here. Your grandsons. Your apprentice.ā He smiled sadly. āIām here. Donāt you see how much you have? Maybe the Jedi Order had it all wrong. Maybe they should have put more focus on family. Or maybe you needed a different sort of family than what they offered. But you arenāt alone. And even if you do remember your future, you haven't done those things, yet. So why live your life on this world by the same rules that created Darth Vader when you can be someone else?ā
"I have asked, Luke. Ahsoka has been helping, but perhaps--" A quick flicker of memory of another time he said the words, "I am a slow learner." Not actually true overall; he was very quick to grasp skills and abilities. It was his own personal development that came slowly to him.
"And I'm trying to be someone else from how I've been and will become. I'm less alone here, more supported. But I can't deny who I'll become, and I can't shut it out. I asked someone to do that for me and he refused. Kylo isā¦ he wants me to instruct him in the dark side. Anakin is wiser than I ever was even with as young as he is. Your sisterā¦" He wasn't sure what to say about Leia at this point since they had not been especially close. "I don't know that she's an option. But your mother can't help me, she hasn't helped me, and I have been worse when I'm around her. She pushes and pushes at me when I tell her to stop. It hurts me, and when I'm hurt I hurt other people. I can't put her or any of you at risk of that. She doesn't challenge me to be better the way you do, or Ahsoka does, because she denies that I will be and am Vader. If I refuse to face that, I can't become better, can I?"
āYouāre afraid,ā Luke said, āand that feeds the Dark Side just as well as anger. You know that.ā
"Of course I'm afraid!" Anakin snapped. "I know what I'm capable of, I remember what I've done, and if I were to repeat any of it hereā¦ I can't learn how to control that or stop that if I deny it's a part of me. The Jedi preached repression and avoidance, too, and that failed me. It led me further towards the dark side, not away from it."
āThat isnāt what Iām trying to say, Father,ā Luke replied, reserved and weary. āI donāt know how the Jedi taught their apprentices when you trained with them, but repression and avoidance are not what I learned. Thereās a fine line between acceptance and denial. I err on the side of acceptance whenever I can, as difficult as that may be. But thereās also a fine line between acceptance and assumption. Iām afraid for you because I canāt tell if you hold so tightly to what you might do that you assume a terrible fate lies ahead and fulfill your own prophecy in the process.ā
"It isn't?" Anakin's brow furrowed as he listened further and took in what Luke said. Perhaps he'd been too quick to assume that Luke was trying to be the same kind of Jedi that Anakin had helped to destroy, that Luke would take after Obi-Wan and Yoda in their frequent admonishments that Anakin should not feel what he was feeling. They had treated him as though his emotions were inevitably of the dark side, or at least not in accordance with Jedi tradition, and therefore should not be experienced for more than a fleeting instance.
And Luke was right. Anakin knew very well that his future in his own galaxy was terrible. He was terrified that it would repeat itself in this world; much of his time was spent avoiding other people for fear of what he knew he was capable of doing to them. He slumped just a little more, voice quieter. "I'm so tired, Luke. And I'm so scared."
āYouāre allowed to be frightened.ā Luke reached out a hand to rest on his fatherās arm. āLetting go of your fear doesnāt mean denying that it exists, or trying to stop it from existing. It means recognizing and accepting that the fear is there, and recognizing that you have the power to do something about it. It means being stronger than your fear.ā Luke shifted uneasily, and then ā¦ āWould you like to see? I could try. To show you, I mean. I donāt know if it will work.ā
"Some people seem to think my fears either aren't justified or that I shouldn't feel them at all." Anakin places his hand over Luke's and closed his eyes. The touch was grounding, and he wanted to accept the reassurance offered. "Are you sureā¦?"
āI can show you something recent, something weāve already discussed, but this time, youāll be able to feel it.ā He smiled and squeezed his fatherās arm. āI wouldnāt offer if I werenāt sure.ā
Anakin squeezed Luke's hand back, then smiled faintly. "I keep asking you that, don't I? Maybe that's something else I should have learned by now." He drew a deep breath and then nodded; ready.
Laughing softly, Luke released his fatherās arm and gestured to a space amongst a small cluster of trees. āLetās sit down before we do this, just in case. I have to warn you that Iāve never tried doing exactly this before.ā
Once they were settled, Luke drew a deep breath. Physical touch wasnāt needed, but he offered his hand again anyway, for grounding and comfort for the both of them. āI told you about the drone that brought word from Bakura, I think, but I didnāt tell you exactly what happened. A good friend of mine went out to inspect it, and that set off a self-destruct sequence. The drone was so old that the only way to stop the sequence was to manually obstruct it. Which Wedge did. With his hand. Not the best method, but the only one available to him at the time. If heād done nothing, the drone would have killed him, and destroyed a large part of the fleet. If we can, Iām going to let you inside of that memory.ā
Anakin smiled a little more at the comment as they were getting situated. "You're a Skywalker; we're always diving right into new things." He gave Luke's hand a small squeeze. "I'd guess it may be like reaching out to speak across the distance, except this time it isn't just speech. And I'll be reaching back." He'd torn memories from people's minds before, but this was different. This was being allowed.
Settling into place, Luke banished thoughts of the last time heād done something similar to this, back when heād tried to help a frightened young Force-user break free of the control of his reptilian keepers. That had not ended as well as heād have hoped. Luke had been frightened then, as well, but he wanted to give Anakin an experience that had a good ending. Saving Wedge had been a good ending.
Luke reached out to his father through the Force, and opened the way to those particular memories. Once Anakin completed the connection, he would feel the haste that had driven Luke into the cockpit of his ship as soon as heād heard Wedge was still out. He would feel the tightening of anxiety in Lukeās gut as he realized just how much trouble Wedge was in, the shiver of horror when Luke thought of his friend dying or being maimed. How Luke had distantly felt ill at the idea that Wedgeās sacrifice would be for nothing if the drone detonated anyway.
Anakin would also feel how Luke had drawn in a breath at each terrifying realization, and invited the Force in each time. He would experience how Lukeās fear hadnāt disappeared at all, or been pushed aside, but acknowledged and released into the comfort of the Force. Luke had been afraid when heād talked Wedge through his plan. Heād been afraid when heād steeled himself to see through Wedgeās eyes, knowing heād feel his friendās pain and emotions. The key throughout was that he never rejected the fear, or sank into it like a drowning man futilely attempting to draw breath underwater. Heād recognized the feeling, acknowledged it, and moved forward anyway, giving it no power.
Luke's way of coping with and experiencing fear felt so very foreign to Anakin. Luke had allowed himself to feel without being overcome by it, and kept pushing through without completely shutting out the feeling until it eventually broke through in an overwhelming and uncontrolled way.
Anakin hadn't experienced it before from Luke's point of view, of course, but he had seen that in Luke before. Without quite meaning to, his own 'recent' memory rose up— Luke falling onto the metal catwalk within Cloud City, wounded and actually shaking with fear as the red lightsaber pointed at his heart, and yet defiant despite the fear as he brought the blue lightsaber up to meet Vader's.
The memory was all too keen in Lukeās own mind. He could have shied away from it, but the entire point of this exercise was to show his father a different path. Luke hadnāt handled his fear well in that moment. What some might call bravery, in the way he had stood against Darth Vader, Luke recognized as sheer stubbornness.
Instead of presenting Anakin with another memory, Luke opened his feelings to his father. Anakin would find, mingled with Lukeās worry and concern, a strong faith that Anakin Skywalker could be more than what circumstances had shaped him to be, and the deep affection felt by a son for his father. He would find acceptance, Lukeās acknowledgement that Anakin was not perfect. Luke wasnāt asking Anakin to be a hero or a savior. He was simply asking him to be a good man in the moment, and then to strive to be a good man in the next moment, and the next.
Anakin's own feelings about himself were much less hopeful, but as he shared in what Luke was offering, there was a hesitant sense that maybe he could be what Luke saw in him, very much what Ahsoka also saw. There wasn't a pressure to be anyone's Chosen One or General or Lord or even padawan, justā¦ asking him to be a good man, and believing that Anakin could be and already was.
"Thank you, Son."
Carefully releasing the connection, Luke smiled and clasped his fatherās shoulder. āThank you for letting me help.ā He stretched and stood, offering his hand to his father. āI think that might be enough for one day. And Iām starving. Lunch?ā
Although Anakin really didn't need the hand up, he accepted it anyway and got to his feet. "Iā¦" He shoved down the instinct to retreat after sharing so much. Luke wanted him there. Luke believed in him. "Yes, let's have lunch."