bethen avilla ; the circle mage (bethe) wrote in thedas,
But how could she say that out loud, and to Dee? Not that she didn't trust her to keep a secret, but she couldn't help fearing what her response would be. Bethen already knew just how wrong and shameful their situation was; she didn't need another voice to agree, or to remind her that it was impossible to resolve. There was another pause as she tried to figure out what to say instead. She began again slowly, "What changed is that...he came to Vigil's Keep with us. When I volunteered to become a Warden, I didn't think he'd be here, too. I didn't realize how much we had to say, or how much I had missed just being around him." A small smile had returned to her lips at the memory of the better parts of the previous day. Just being able to hold his hand as they walked down the hallway was a wonderful experience. "When we were finally alone here, we spoke, as I said, for the first time in a long time. And I had forgotten, or I just didn't realize until then, that he means so much to me."
"As a friend, that is," the mage added, as if repeating the phrase would make it more genuine -- if not to Dee, than to herself. Maybe if she said it enough times, she would be able to convince herself that it was all she felt. "I've never had a lot of them. I'd be the first to admit that I wasn't popular among my peers. But Aurin has always been there for me. He cared about me, when other people didn't. He...still does." She didn't disguise her astonishment at this; it was not his loyalty or his compassion that she questioned, as much as it was her worthiness of receiving it. "Being aware of how he feels...changes a lot. How can I keep him away when that isn't where he wants to be? He can stupidly stubborn, you know. And that leaves me in this awkward position to be part of his life, but not in its entirety. I don't want that, though. I'd rather see it all, or nothing, than be made to feel...different." Maybe he hadn't set her apart from others to make her feel excised, but without knowing that he thought her to be important, it was hard to see herself as special rather than shameful. Her teeth caught her bottom lip again out of nervous habit, "But I can't just...tell him that. I don't want to risk what little of him I've gotten back, even if it will drive me mad." It was almost funny that he could hunt down blood mages and she would rush off to slay darkspawn, but neither of them were brave enough to put their hearts out on the line.
Beth lifted a hand to reach for Dee, mimicking the earlier touch, but changed her mind midway and folded her arms over herself instead. Enough with melancholy and with burdening other people with her neuroses. Her pale gaze caught the historian's hazel eyes, "I really am sorry, for turning this whole thing into...something so melodramatic. Dragging you into my issues and complexes. I'm not normally-- I don't like to be-- It's not right for me to just...unload this onto you. I am grateful, though, that you have the patience to stand here listening to me gripe and complain, like some...foolish harpy." Or a gossipy apprentice. She had long prided herself on never being one of those girls, to fuss over boys, or to whine about problems (although that was, perhaps, because she hadn't any girl friends with whom she could act that way before). "If you ever feel the need to-- If you need someone to listen, I'm willing." Her smile broadened, warmth returning to her tone, in spite of how awkward a transition she was about to make in conversation as she gestured toward the stall they were headed for, "We...ought to get on with our shopping, before they close up for the evening."