bethen avilla ; the circle mage (bethe) wrote in thedas,
Pausing once more, Beth considered carefully what else Dee had said to her. Just because you're a mage. Perhaps it wasn't her intent, but that she sounded so dismissive over a quality that was so integral to her identity was frustrating. She chewed her lower lip, trying her best not to seem agitated, though she was frank, "I appreciate what you're saying, but for most of my life...it has never really mattered what I wanted. I don't like to think myself a victim, nor would I reduce my experience in the Hold to a prison sentence. But I have rarely ever had any agency. You act like my status as a mage is a trait as easy to overlook as my eye color, but it isn't. This is who I am."
The more she spoke, the less gentle her words became. But they were honest, maybe more than they should have been given that the women were barely more than acquaintances. It was easy to forget that she was speaking to a cleric, given how casually Deidre presented herself, but remembering that fact now made it all the worse. An anger that had burned slowly within her for years was finally rising to the surface, "Whether or not you would condemn me for it, other people have and will continue to do so. You know as well as I do that, according to the Chantry, I have more power than any mortal ought to, and less right to lead my own life for it. So how can I not think that wanting anything for myself is wrong, when I am told that I am wrong simply for being?"
Bethen stopped there, turning away to stare at the horizon and the silhouetted buildings that lined the street, so that she could allow the stinging at the backs of her eyes to subside. She didn't want to start bawling in the middle of the city. It wasn't fair to lash out at Dee, but it was hard not to feel some resentment for her inability to understand just how solitary her life had been, how unworthy the world had made her feel. There was a knot in her throat as she tried to apologize for her outburst, "I'm...sorry, I don't mean to sound-- I know it's not what you believe in personally, Dee, but it's hard for me not to feel this way, when I was raised to doubt my own humanity."
This conversation was exhausting, and her low voice sounded as tired as she felt when she added solemnly, "Even if I wanted to be with Aurin...I don't know that I can, or even should be. For all the wonderful things companionship can bring, there are also consequences for people like us. I don't have to ask to know that he understands this as well as I do. I think we both were trying to protect one another by staying apart. It's no great mystery why he shut me out. But...it doesn't hurt any less that it has to be this way, or that I have to see him take solace in others." She was unused to showing vulnerability, but right now, she seemed positively defeated and fragile. "Up until recently, I had resigned myself to letting him go. It's much harder than I thought it would be."