|kara lynn palamas knows who she is (myownmind) wrote in the100,|
@ 2016-01-24 22:35:00
She’d intended for the walk to clear her head but after her conversation with Grant her mind was a mess of fears and insecurities, impossible to sort through and not easy to deal with. She knew she needed to discuss all of this with Grant but she was desperately afraid of losing him forever. It wasn’t that she needed him, at least not in the way he seemed to think she did, she loved him, with everything she had and it was sincere, real love. It was love that she didn’t want to lose.
Kara had walked until the cold had made her shiver, until her fingers and toes had gone numb from the temperature. It had helped a little but not as much as she’d been hoping it would. She was too scared of what might happen when she got back to really think about anything else.
Walking back to their room she felt nauseated, she knew they needed to get things out in the open but at the same time she was terrified what might happen as a result. This conversation would determine if they had a future, if there was a them to move forward with, she just hoped there would be.
She hesitated outside of their room, needing those few seconds to collect her thoughts before she walked in. She didn’t want to do this but at the same time she knew she had to. They couldn’t put this off. As she stepped in she shrugged off her jacket and hung it up, she hadn’t looked around the room as she’d entered, just focused on hanging up her jacket but she could feel his presence on the room, knew he was possibly waiting for her to speak first but she needed to take a moment to gather what little courage she had.
He’d gone to Damon’s. It was kind of a bolt hole. He had been angry. Angry enough to want to contact the succubus Georgina for something meaningless. She fed off evil. Well clearly she’d have her fill from him. Damon however had slapped sense into him. At one point literally. He was a good friend. Seemed to actually care. He’d told him, reminded him that he loved Kara, that she loved him back.
And he did. He knew he did.
He looked up when she came in. He loved her but he was still pissed. Still angry she had assumed he was ordering her. Still angry she blamed him for not wanting kids. He didn’t know if they would work. Didn’t know if maybe he should have listened to Betsy and Skye and everyone who had warned him it was going to be messy given their histories.
“...You weren’t long.” he said finally. Yes he was starting antagonistically. He knew it and he mentally kicked himself for it. But it was the first thing that had come into his head. He was drinking something he’d gotten from the tavern. Used like a week's ration of booze to get it too.
“Sit down.” he said. “Not that you have to. Call it a suggestion. Wouldn’t want you thinking I ordered you.”
She could practically feel his anger, she didn’t blame him for it, he had every right to be angry and somehow it was better than him being cold and distant. If he was angry then it showed he still cared, that there was still some hope she hadn’t ruined this completely. She wished she could take back the things she’d said but she couldn’t’ it was too late, she’d said them and now she had to deal with the consequences.
“It was cold,” she said quietly, taking a deep breath before she turned around to look at him. “And I couldn’t clear my mind so it seemed pointless to stay out there.” She could tell he’d been drinking, she wasn’t surprised at all. She felt like she needed a drink and given that she rarely drank now it said a lot about how she was feeling in this moment.
“Grant, I’m sorry, I regret saying that but I was upset and it was a mistake,” she said, slowly making her way over to the couch to take a seat, wrapping her arms around herself to try and warm up. “I know you’d never actually order me to do anything. And I don’t blame you for being angry at me for saying it, I hate myself for saying it.”
She was sorry.
“But you said it. On some level you meant it. Even in anger, funny thing about anger. You tend to be at your most honest.”
He watched her, knowing one smile, one hand on her shoulder, one kiss and she’d bend to him. It was a weird sensation and one he’d been honest with Rogers when he’d said he didn’t want anymore. But it would stop this. It would stop the arguing and the talks about babies. But ultimately it would be a twisted way to ensure her ‘compliance’ and he knew how wrong that was. He’d loved his own version of a simple phrase being able to turn his mind to someone else's purpose. Talk of weakness.
He moved the hand that had moved just a little bit toward her, pulling himself back slightly on the seat.
“I need you to believe in me. That I can change. Because if you don’t...It doesn’t matter who else does. I need you to trust that I love you. But I also need you to be honest with me about what you want. I want to know if you hope someday I’ll change my mind and want kids with you. Because I won’t. I don’t want them, not with anyone and I can guarantee you that won’t change. I haven't wanted kids since I was old enough to realise the family I’d gotten stuck with. I want my family to die out. I want the hate to stop. I want the sickness...whatever it is that makes us such a mess. I want it dead and gone with me and Thomas and our sister. If Anna can raise her kids without...him and my parents, maybe that’ll be it. ”
He took another sip of the drink.
“I won’t ever change my mind Kara. And you need to accept it. Or this...us...It won’t work.”
She was truly sorry, she really was but maybe he was right, maybe on some level she had meant it but she wasn’t sure.
“I don’t know why I said it, I just reacted. So maybe I meant it, maybe I didn’t I don’t really know but I’m just tired and I’m fed up with doubting myself at every turn.”
She didn’t really know what to say, what to do. She felt more lost than she had done since he’d helped her break free of the brainwashing and she was scared. She wanted him to make this stop but that was wrong, it was wrong because it was control and if he did that then they’d be proving everyone right. She had to figure this out on her own or there would be no moving past this, they’d be stuck in an endless cycle and neither of them would be happy.
She saw his hand move towards her and back again, it caused a sharp pain in her chest, one she wanted to rid herself of so badly.
“I do believe in you, Grant, you know that I do. You have changed and I’m sorry I made you doubt that. And I know you love me, I do know that.” She paused to collect her thoughts for a second, knowing she had to be honest but also fearing what that might bring. “I’m always honest with you, I’ve never lied to you and I’m never going to. So believe me when I say I don’t know, at this moment in time I don’t know if I think that. I never thought about kids before, not since you saved me but I won’t lie and say when I thought I was pregnant with your baby I wasn’t happy because part of me was. I was terrified but I was also happy so yes, I was upset when it turned out I wasn’t. And I know you don’t want a family, I know why and I understand that but you’re not evil, you’re not sick and there’s nothing wrong with you that you could ever pass on to a child.”
She sighed heavily, looking over at him with tears in her eyes. She was so scared.
“I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I’m being honest. I don’t want you to change your mind for me, you say it won’t ever change but you can’t know the future, none of us can. I want to say I can accept that you won’t but I still don’t know what I want. All I do know is that I love you so much that the thought of being without you is more terrifying than anything else, I’d rather be brainwashed again then lose you.”
He hadn’t expected this. Or maybe he had. He had worried about this. About her saying all the right things. But with that look of fear in her eyes. She had said she was happy about the potential baby. But she knew he knew that already. And she still believed he would change his mind one day.
“Are you saying all this because you mean it or because you can’t be without me. Because you’d rather go back to...to that. Because you have to know that’s not healthy I’ve felt like that. That need, that desperate need. It was for Skye. And I know now it was messed up. And yet I know, I know that if she needs my help, I’ll go and do whatever it takes. I’d do it for you but out of love, for her...out of...I guess its still obsession. She’d never use it against me and I I’m not good like she is. I don’t want to ever have that power over you, but I do, don’t I?”
He moved closer to her, Letting a hand trail along her face. Moving her hair out of her eyes, red with tears. “You’d do a lot for me, wouldn’t you?” he told her, dark eyes finding hers. Proving a point in the only way he knew how. “Because losing me, it’d break you.”
She was being honest, he’d said to be honest and she was being honest as much as it hurt her to be. She was afraid that by being honest she would lose him forever. She knew he’d think that was because she was obsessed or needed him but it wasn’t, maybe it had been way back at the start but this was honest, real, love.
“I’m saying this because I mean it. You wanted honesty and I’m being honest. I still need to think about what I want, if I can accept that a future with you means a future without a family and that’s going to take me some time because I never thought about it before. But I also can’t be without you, not because of some messed up need, it’s not that at all. I love you, not because you saved me and helped me but because I fell in love with you. I fell in love with the man who was always there for me. And its real love, not some messed up need to please you.”
She closed her eyes for a second when his hand touched her face, taking in a shaky breath to try and steady her nerves. “I would, I’d do almost anything for you,” she replied, looking into his eyes, hoping he’d see the sincerity in hers. “It would but not for the reason you seem to think. It would break me because I love you, because I want to spend my life with you.”
Well now. That was not what he’d expected.
God, maybe she did mean it.
“You do need to think about it. About if you can accept it. Because I won’t have you resenting me for not giving you children. I don’t want to lose you Kara.” he told her. It was still messed up on some level. She’d still do almost anything for him and knowing that. Holding that knowledge was worrying to say the least. He needed to be better than that.
“I want to be a good man. And you say there isn’t a sickness in me, but there is. It’s in there. It has been most of my life. It made it so easy for John to get to me, it made it easy for me to hide how I really felt when it came to betraying the team. It’s in there Kara. And I can’t. I won’t put that on a child. Even if I don’t pass it on to them, it's still me. I can’t be anyone's father. I can’t be that. You should see that and you should agree, you know me.”
He cupped her cheek with his hand, less concerned with proving his point now and just, needing the contact.
“We’re broken. Both of us. You can get better, I...it’ll take longer, if it's even possible. We couldn’t be parents Kara. And if you can’t accept that then...well, we should just realise that now when you can still meet someone else. Have a life. Have that family you want.”
She meant every word she said.
What she didn’t know was if he believed her.
“I’m going to think about it, I promise. I will think about it when I can straighten out my thoughts. I don’t want to lose you either, Grant,” she told him quietly. She knew it seemed messed up, it was a little but it was true. She wanted to convince him she had limits as to what she’d do for him but she didn’t know how to do that.
“You are a good man, I’ve seen it. And it’s not a sickness, Grant, it’s a vulnerability that he took advantage of, your family broke you down and he knew how to manipulate you when you needed help. That’s not a sickness, it’s just a fact. You’re better than that, you don’t think you can be but you are and I see it. When I look at you I see the man I love, the man I want to be with. I see my future.”
She leaned into his touch, the contact soothing her more than she thought possible given how scared she’d been before.
“Yes we’re both broken but we’re getting better. Even in the short time I’ve been here we’ve both gotten better. You refuse to see you’ve got better but you have. Believe me, you have. And I don’t want to meet someone else. I want a life with you, not with anyone else. I don’t know much else but I know that. I want you, Grant. A life with you, whatever that means.”
He finally relented. Nodding just slightly, pulling her into a kiss.
“You do need to think about it. And I need to know it's not just to please me. I know you do things because of that Kara. Maybe you don’t mean to, but you do. And you need to stop thinking of me like that. Like I can snap my fingers and you’ll jump. Because maybe I can...Maybe I can do that and it terrifies me that I have been. I don’t want to be that person, because, god...it feels too good to have power like that.”
Of course it was a sickness. Normal people didn’t think like he did. And yes, he was trying. And yes, he meant every part of that. But a large part of him still assumed he’d fail someday.
“I love you. And I don’t want to lose you. But I also don’t want you here because you think that’s all there is for you. You deserve better than me. Just like she did. So, if you’re here because you think you can’t walk away. That’s not who you need to be. Okay? Just be here because you want to be, not because you hope I’ll change someday.”
When he kissed her the relief she felt was immense, there was still hope, this could still be salvaged. They could still be.
“I promise I’ll think about it all. For me, not for any other reason. I do things to please you but not for that reason, not because I think I have to but because I want to. I do those things because it’s what people do when they’re in a relationship. Maybe in the start you could have done that, snapped your fingers and I’d have done anything but not now. I’m my own person, Grant, I am and you have to see that. You don’t have that power over me, you don’t, please believe me.”
She hated that there was still part of him that thought that of her, that she still did things out of some twisted sense of loyalty and not out of love. She wished he could see it for what it was.
“I love you too, Grant, I love you so much it scares me. And I’m here because I love you, not because I think that’s all there is for me. Don’t say that, don’t say I deserve better. I’m the judge of that, not you or anyone else. I’m here because I want to be, because I love you and I don’t want to be anywhere else. Do I hope you’ll change? I don’t want you to change, I love the man you are now and I’ll love whatever man you become but I’m not going to hope for anything beyond what we have.”
He needed to trust. He needed to let her know that he was willing to try to. And maybe things had changed. Maybe…
“Promise me, and not because you have to...Just, god, I know you wanted to please me, you did so much back then to try and make me happy and I don’t want that, not any of it. I want you. I don't ever want to have power like that over anyone.”
It sounded good. It all sounded right. She never lied to him. But then he’d never lied to Skye.
“You need to work out your feelings and I need to see for myself that I don’t control you. It’s important to both of us Kara.”
He did love her. But he wasn’t going to be that person. He’d been that person even here, using his power over her to stop arguments. He wondered had she even noticed. Did she believe she had her free will when unconsciously she would give in to him believing it her idea? He didn’t know anymore.
“Till then, kiss me” he said, eyes fixed on hers.
She knew he was willing to try, she knew without him saying it. Things had changed since they’d been here, maybe he didn’t see it but they had.
“I promise, Grant. I promise it will be because I want to. But Grant, I want to please you and make you happy because that’s part of being together, not because I have to but because that’s what couples do, they make each other happy.”
She didn’t know if he understood it how she meant it. She didn’t know how to prove to him that it wasn’t control, it was love.
“I’ll work out my feelings, all of them and when I do I’ll tell you but how can I prove to you that you don’t control me? I need you to know you don’t and I know you need it too.”
She knew why he needed it, she’d noticed the way he’d stopped arguments when she’d first got here and she’d let him. Part of her knew she shouldn’t have but she’d been scared of losing him, like she had been earlier. She wouldn’t do that anymore even if it meant having to deal with that fear every single time.
“I love you, Grant,” she said, shifting in her seat to get closer to him so she could kiss him, a gentle brush of lips as her hand came up to touch against his cheek, the contact grounding her further.
He didn’t know how she could prove it. He had no idea. It was all so complex and entwined and he really didn’t know. How did someone prove something like that? It was conditioning of its own kind, had he unconsciously turned her to his purpose when he thought he had been helping her. Is that what he thought help was? It could so easily have been that.
“I wish I could tell you, I don’t know how that kind of thing can be proven. It’s messy and it's complicated and I’m so sorry to put it on you.” he told her.
She kissed him. And that he believed was out of love. It was complicated. He was more dominant. Always had been. But this, the worry. It was more than that.
“Look, just, we’ll see okay.” he said against her lips. “We’ll take it slow, we’ll see what comes of what we both work out. But for now, let’s just be us? I liked when we could just be us.”
She hadn’t really expected he’d have the answer but she’d asked all the same because at least then it was out there. This was messy and complicated but then so were all human interactions. It just so happened that when it came to them there was even more to add to that mess. Maybe there wasn’t an answer to this but they’d get through this, they had to.
“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s okay. I’ll do what I can to try and prove it to you, anytime I can,” she told him.
When she kissed him it was only out of love, not because he’d said to, not because of any reason other than she loved him and she wanted to.
“I like when we’re just us too,” she whispered against his lips, kissing him again, firmer this time and pouring all her love into the action as she shifted in closer to him. “So let’s just be us and the rest we’ll figure out as we need to.”