|kara lynn palamas knows who she is (myownmind) wrote in the100,|
@ 2016-01-22 23:23:00
With everything that had gone on recently she wasn’t surprised she hadn’t noticed before now that she was late. She’d almost forgotten about their accident in the woods where they’d gotten more than a little carried away, not the actual act itself but the fact they’d forgotten protection. Things had happened since then that had pushed it from her mind. And then there was the fact that things between her and Grant had been really good and really it had been the furthest thing from her mind until this morning.
She couldn’t even remember now what it was that had made her realize she was late but the moment she had she’d contacted Grant. It might just be a false alarm of course but she needed to talk to him about it either way. Honestly she was a little bit scared about it and she just needed him to reassure her everything would be okay like he always did.
Kara had been pacing around their room since she’d sent the message to Grant, actually she hadn’t stopped pacing since she’d come to the realization she was late, she could wear a hole in the floor with the way she’d been pacing. She knew she had to stop or her behavior would alarm Grant more than her messages had so she sat on the bed, fiddling with her hands in her lap as she waited.
The sound of the door to the main living area opening and closing was followed by voices and she knew it was Grant and Damon. She was anxious already and the waiting for him hadn’t helped at all. She felt nauseated sitting there but waited where she was, she’d told him she’d be in their room and she didn’t want to have this conversation in front of Damon. She liked the guy but this didn’t seem like something you discussed in front of your boyfriend’s friends.
She heard Grant’s voice closer to the door. When it opened she looked towards him, a strange mix of fear and something else playing across her features. “I’m sorry if I worried you, Grant,” she said, dropping her gaze from him to look at her hands in her lap. Not really knowing what else to say, this wasn’t a situation she’d ever thought she’d find herself in.
Kara had sounded worried. And honestly, Ward knew she probably wouldn't want Damon around.
But he did. The guy had become a close friend, weird as that was. And if this was something messy, it was better that someone was here that could keep him from losing it. He didn't want to get angry at her. Or freak out. But that, he supposed, would be worse.
“Damon, have a drink, relax in here for a while, we'll just be in here.” he said simply. He had told Damon previously he wanted him to stay and told him why. It would be easier if he did.
Sure enough, when he got into their room, she was doing that thing, eyes down, unable to look at him. Fidgety. Unsure. He hated what had happened to her. He truly did. And he hated that he could very much recognise a younger him in the stance. Wary. Like he had been of Garrett. He knew she wasn't scared of him but he knew on some level he had power over her. And he had been trying to teach her otherwise.
“Of course I'm worried. You didn't seem right, when we talked on the network. So come on, we'll talk this out, you and me.”
Something had pushed her back a few steps
He moved to sit on the bed. He needed to let her say her piece before anything else.
The reason for her current state was nothing to do with him really, it was more her own fear at what might happen next. For one she had no idea what his thoughts were on having a family, they’d never discussed it before as they’d been no need to but this might just force that hand. And she wasn’t sure she was cut out for being a parent, at one time maybe but she had a long way to go to get back to a place where she’d feel able to be responsible for another life like that.
Kara glanced towards Grant when he spoke, not quite meeting his eyes but she saw enough to see a trace of his emotions on his face. She felt bad for worrying him, it hadn’t been her intention but she’d needed him to come back so they could talk about this.
“I’m not right or I am but…,” she started, stopping herself as she tried to figure out how to put this into words for him. “You remember the woods?”
She looked up at him as he sat on the bed, eyes searching his face to try and gauge what he was thinking. She just had to say it and stop dancing around it.
“Well, I’m late.”
Well. That had not been what he’d expected to hear. He moved to stand up, eyes fixed on hers and his first thoughts, well, they were far from supportive. He couldn’t deal with this. He didn’t want this. Who the hell would want this, even if it wouldn’t mean raising a kid in a hell. It was messed up and it was one more unfair piece of crap to add to his life. He just wanted one thing. One thing that wasn’t complicated. But it seemed that wasn’t going to be for him. Not yet anyway.
“...That’s not acceptable.” he said finally. “I mean, you’re wrong. Or it's something else. It’s not that. It can’t be.”
She knew how he felt about having kids of his own. About wanting nothing to do with the idea. She’d known that going in. And yet he had known too that they’d been stupid that time in the woods. It wasn’t her fault. Not just hers. It took two and all that. He wasn’t angry at her he was just...he didn’t want this.
“Find out for sure. I mean, I suppose the Doctors...they might have a better idea. And then I guess we talk options, because I…”
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be a father. He knew it. And Kara should too. Right now he wanted to run to the bar with Damon and forget about everything she’d just told him. Because he refused to accept it right then. He couldn’t let himself accept it.
“Because we...we’re not gonna be any good for a kid. You know that same as me.”
When he stood up she dropped her eyes to her hands in her lap, she’d known there was a chance he’d react like that but it still shook her when he distanced himself from her like that. She knew it was messy, that if she was actually pregnant it would be complicated and not easy to handle at all but she needed him to be a little supportive even if he didn’t want this. She needed him to be there for her.
“I’m not wrong,” she said quietly, only just above a whisper, “I checked dates.”
Kara did know how he felt about kids, that he didn’t want a family and she’d accepted it. There was a tiny piece of her that hoped that might one day change but clearly it wasn’t going to happen now. She knew he wasn’t angry at her but she reacted like he was, she had let him down, she knew she had.
“I will, I wanted to tell you first before going to see a doctor. I…”
She could already feel tears in her eyes, this hadn’t gone anything like what she’d expected. What she needed right then was comfort not distance, she needed him to tell her they’d work it out together but she felt like he wanted to run.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Grant, I know I’ve let you down.”
“Stop it. You didn’t. We both screwed up. Okay? I can’t deal with you deciding everything that goes wrong is your fault. Not now. You and me both did this. And you did right to tell me. But no. We’re fixing this. If you actually are. Which you still might now be.”
He shook his head. This was a mess and he didn’t want any part of it. But she’d need him to be there for her and all that. Much as he really had no wish to think about any of this. Any of it.
“You can’t change it now. So go look into it. Go see someone. And if you are, then we’ll figure it out. I’m not planning now when we don’t know.”
Was he supposed to say more than that? Was he supposed to sit with her and be the loving boyfriend and tell her it would be okay if she was? It wouldn’t be. He couldn’t promise that without lying to her and he figured she’d hate that more.
“...So, now what?” he said, mostly, almost entirely wanting to escape.
“Well you’re making me feel like I did. Maybe you don’t mean to but you are and… I need you to stop. Of course I was going to tell you, I would never even think about not telling you.”
She could tell he really didn’t want to be dealing with this, it made her want to curl up into a ball and cry until she couldn’t any more. This was worse than actually realizing she was late, his reaction just made it so much worse.
“You don’t need to sound so cold about it, Grant. It isn’t like I’ve broken my leg or something. This is... it’s potentially life changing.”
She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling more lost than she had done in a long time. She looked up at him, not really sure if she even wanted him to be here if he was going to be so distant with her.
“I don’t know, I don’t know what now. I’m scared and I… I just want you to… I don’t know,” she said, voice shaking as tears started to fall. This was not going well at all.
“What do you want me to do here? Start building some baby crib or something? I can’t be what you need right now and I wish I could. I really do wish I could but what do you want from me Kara? You want someone to hold you and tell you it’ll be okay? It might not be.”
Life changing. He looked back at her finally trying to figure out what he could say or do.
“Kara...I don’t know how to fix this. I can usually fix things. But this...I can’t be anyone's father. You know my history. I can’t be that. I won’t be that. I wish I could be different. Stronger. I wish I was able to be what you need. But I don’t think I can be that for you.”
He hated this. All of it. He could almost hear his father, his brother laughing. Garrett’s disappointment that he’d been so weak. He couldn’t think straight. He wanted to be the good guy. To promise he’d be there for her. He really didn’t blame her for this.
“I’m sorry.” he said wearily, unable to say more than that.
“No I don’t want you to start building a crib, I just want you to not pull away from me right now. I’m scared and I need my boyfriend to be here for me. I’m not expecting you to tell me it’ll be okay because I know it might not be and that’s why I’m scared.”
That was the crux of the matter, she was terrified and she just wanted him to hold her, not lie to her and tell her things would be okay but just be there, for her.
“I know, I know all that and I don’t know how to fix this either. I know you don’t want a family and I would never ask you to give me that because I know that. I just want you to not pull away from me, I need you because I can’t do this, whatever this might be, if you’re not here with me.”
She was crying properly now, unable to stop the tears as she feared losing him in this moment even though deep down she knew she wouldn’t. Or she hoped she wouldn’t. She just needed to know whatever happened he wasn’t going anywhere but she didn’t even know if he could promise her that.
And it hurt.
“Don’t be sorry, Grant, just don’t leave me,” she said quietly, desperation clear in her voice.
This whole thing, it was a mess. It was more than either of them wanted or deserved. All of it was a mess. “We can talk to medical. People like Simmons, they’re smart. They can help us work out a way to get rid of it without hurting you. There has to be something they can do, some way to…”
God, she was crying. She was crying and he’d caused this. Not because he wanted to hurt her, but because this was all crazy. The idea of this...He couldn’t deal with it. But a crying Kara. That he could deal with. As much as that sheer desperation in her voice worried him.
“I’m not going to leave you. It’s not like you want this, right? And you know I love you, we established that, so stop crying and we’ll work out the best way to end this safely. And then we’ll go back like it was but just be more careful from now on. Both of us.”
This was the last thing she wanted to deal with right now. Especially because she knew he didn’t want this, didn’t want kids but part of her really did and she hadn’t told him because she didn’t want to guilt him. She looked at him when he mentioned getting rid of it, more tears falling at the idea.
It wasn’t just that it was his if she was pregnant, she’d seen too much death and suffering that she didn’t want to add to it any more than she had to. But she couldn’t have both, she had a feeling it would either be Grant or the baby, if she was pregnant. This was too much for her to handle.
“I don’t know,” she admitted, dropping her eyes from him. “If this was back home it would be different, I could have gotten a pill straight after and this wouldn’t be happening but here… I could die, if I am pregnant and we get rid of it the risks are just… Grant, I don’t know what to do.”
Generally he didn’t think about the how of the whole thing. She couldn’t just go to the Doctor and drink something to make it happen or anything. Hadn’t they done that years back? ..Had there been stories about sickness...he didn’t remember specifics.
“You could die from this? ...From getting rid of it, it’s just a little lump of cells if you even are pregnant.” he told her, incredulous more at the ridiculousness of it than anything. He wouldn’t lose her but he couldn’t have a child. He couldn’t.
“Then what. If you are and you can’t get rid of it Kara, what do you want me to do. You know I couldn’t do this. You know that and you know why.”
He loved her. But giving her this, being there for her. It might be the one thing he couldn’t cope with. Honestly, right then, he didn’t know. She wanted comfort. She wanted someone to hug her, tell her it would be okay. She wanted him to tell her that.
“...I can hold you. I can tell you there’s a way that this’ll be okay. But, only if you want the lie.” he told her. “Do you need me to lie to you now?” he asked, stepping back closer to her.
Honestly she didn’t know what methods they might use here. She just knew they didn’t have a lot of things that were taken for granted back home. Maybe there were herds or something that would do the job but she hadn’t looked into it.
“Yes, I could die. I doubt they have medication here that would do the job so that means surgical methods, it doesn’t matter how small it would be,” she told him, “It would be a risk even if it was just a lump of cells.” She didn’t even want to think what methods they might use here.
“I don’t know, Grant, I don’t know what I want, okay. I just… I don’t know and I’m not asking you to do this, I just… I don’t know.”
She knew this wasn’t easy for him, it wasn’t easy for her either but she just wanted him to comfort her, to touch her and remind her with contact that he loved her. She knew it might not be okay, she wasn’t expecting him to promise her that, she just wanted him to be with her.
“All I want is you to hold me, I don’t want you to tell me it will be okay because I don’t want you to lie to me, you know I don’t,” she told him, “I just want you to hold me, that’s all.” She looked up at him, pleading with him to just give her what she needed from him.
He didn’t know what that entailed. But it could be something they could talk to the Doctor about when it came to it. Though not Lincoln. He didn’t want that, didn’t want him all smug about it.
He could hug Kara though. He could do that. She’d stop crying. She’d work this out somehow. They’d find a way. ...Or maybe he was lying to himself now.
He sat down, taking her hand as he did, in order to pull her down beside him and into his arms. He’d let her cry there as long as she needed, he’d be there for her in that way at least. Who knew what would come next, but for now, he would let her get it all out.
“I do love you. And you know that’s not a lie.” he told her, stroking her hair as he did.
She didn’t want to think about what might happen, what they might have to do if she was. She didn’t want to know but she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t an issue.
She knew she couldn’t hide from this forever, it needed to be dealt with but she just needed to be held for now until the worst of her fear passed. Then she would deal with it.
She didn’t resist when he took her hand, she let him pull her down beside him and curled into him. Her own arms wrapped around him as best as she could manage as she cried into him. This was what she needed, she needed to get all of this out.
“I know you do, I love you too,” she replied, burying her face against his chest, letting the feel of his hand stroking her hair soothe some of her fears.
He’d stay here as long as she needed him to. He’d kind of abandoned Damon outside but he was pretty sure the vampire knew exactly what was going on. He’d need to talk to him soon presuming he stayed. But for now he was here for Kara. He was letting her get her tears out. And after that, he supposed they’d figure out how things would go from here.
He couldn’t say anything. Couldn’t reply to her with any platitudes or promises. He could make none. Not about this. But he could hold her.
She was aware he’d left Damon in the other room but in this moment she couldn’t bring herself to think about that. She was more focused on trying to stop the tears from falling or rather letting the feel of his arms around her chase away her fears and give her the comfort she so desperately needed in this moment. She couldn’t figure anything out until she’d stopped crying.
She wasn’t expecting him to say anything, there was nothing that could be said really. So she didn’t say anything either, just cried into his shirt as she clung to him, she was exhausted, the emotions getting a bit too much for her.
The tears slowed, though she wasn’t sure they’d stop for a while. She pulled away a little bit to look up at him. “I’m sorry, you should go and check on Damon, apologise to him for me for stealing you away. I think I need to sleep before going to medical and… you’ll come with me when I do, won’t you?”
“Of course I’ll come with you.” he told her calmly. Oh he’d hate every second of it. But he’d do it. He turned his head placing a light kiss on her lips before pulling back slightly letting her climb into their bed.
“I’ll talk to Damon. And I’ll be around okay. You just get some sleep, we’ll think about it all after.”
He couldn’t tell her it would be okay. He couldn’t lie. But he could go along with her to medical and pray she was wrong about all this.