network; dean winchester (027)
This truth thing is crap. I skipped work to keep myself from babbling at people all damn day. I got on the network to check on everyone else and I can't stop myself.
I fucking miss women. I've slept with three men since I got here. I was trying to move in on Carol Danvers months ago, before Cap beat me to it. It's not that I don't like Cas, because I do. God damn it, do I like Cas. I have a hard time admitting it because I'm emotionally stunted and my first instinct is to lie about my feelings. I still call myself straight, and I know that's fucked up.
I lie about a lot. I don't think that would surprise anybody close to me, but I lie to Sam all the damn time. I know there are things we don't tell each other, and I'm fine with most of that, I don't really need to know about his sex life or what he thinks about Star Trek, but I feel like lying to protect him is my job, the way you lie to kids. I still think of him as twelve. I feel responsible when he makes mistakes or get into touble. I know damn well I shouldn't, he's a grown-ass man who can make his own choices, but I project like it's going out of style. He got all the good parts of our Dad and I just got the shitty decisions and the drinking. If I act like Sam needs me to watch him, I can pretend that's not true.
( content warning for discussion of rape in the dean/kate conversation )