kara lynn palamas knows who she is (myownmind) wrote in the100, @ 2015-12-14 23:46:00 |
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There were still things that didn’t sit right with her about this place, still that lingering suspicion that this was still some elaborate trick someone was playing on them but that initial skepticism had faded a fair bit. That was in large part to the fact that she trusted Grant completely and knew he’d never do anything to hurt her. Grant being here went a long way to helping her accept it. Kara couldn’t quite shake the feeling she had that he was keeping something from her though, she wasn’t sure what it was but there was definitely something he wasn’t telling her.
It would have been easy to try and ignore it, to continue to let him distract her whenever she tried to talk to him about things but she wanted to know. She knew he’d talked to Skye and that had unsettled him but there was more to it than that. Kara just had to find the best way to get him to open up to her. Living together certainly made it easier to try and choose her moment to do that.
Kara had been sitting on the couch reading a book she’d found when she’d visited the library, it was something to do when she was alone, something to occupy her mind. The sound of the door opening pulled her attention from the book though, a small smile appearing on her face when she saw Grant. “I was starting to think you’d forgotten you had someone to come back to.” A teasing tone in her voice that was reserved entirely for him. If she put him at ease it might be easier to actually get him to talk to her.
He’d taken his time coming back. He’d walked for a while, went to talk to Damon briefly. He’d been avoiding discussion. He knew that. But Kara had been pressing him for days to talk about whatever was bothering him. And that wasn’t an option. She needed him to be the strong one. To always be the one with the plan, with the answers. And frankly, she saw him as her protector. She looked up to him, and it felt good to have someone see that in him. Letting weakness in, it’d ruin that. He knew what Garrett had done to him, but knowing didn’t make it any easier to shake off sometimes. He could put a facade on with a lot of people, but there were three women in his life who saw past it. His therapist, his girlfriend and his...his whatever Skye was. Or Daisy now, as he kept reminding himself. She could still get to him, even now. Even after everything he still wanted her to understand him. And with a few simple words of agreement, he knew he’d be there for her if she asked. If she needed him.
In some ways he hated that. Hated more that it was nothing Daisy had done. It was him. It was his messed up life.
But that wasn’t the point.
He’d arrived back, absentmindedly striking the flint lighter in his hand on and off watching the flame build and fade looking up when she spoke to him. Immediately and without a world he replaced the lighter in his pocket and walked across to her running a hand along her cheek and across her neck.
“Do you really think I’d forget you?” he said, a cocky smirk playing on his lips. Distracting it was then.
Kara knew he was avoiding things, she understood why he did it but that didn’t change the fact that she just wanted him to talk to her. It didn’t matter what it was, she’d stand by him and while she did rely on him to be the strong one most of the time if he ever needed her to be that for him she would do her best to take over and do for him what he’d done for her so often. There was nothing he could say or do that would ever make her think less of him, she knew all about his past and the things he’d done and she’d accepted them all. She accepted them because she loved him, all of him. She loved him so much that it actually scared her sometimes. It scared her because she doubted herself, doubted that she was really the one he wanted to be with even though she knew how he felt about her. It couldn’t keep those fears from sneaking in sometimes.
That was why she needed him to talk to her, to share whatever it was that was bothering him with her. She couldn’t help him through it if he didn’t talk to her about it.
If only she could get him to see that.
She watched him as he walked in, her eyes flicking down to the lighter in his hand, a small flicker of concern passing over her features that she tried to hide. It faded away as he crossed over to her, she smiled at him as he ran his hand over her skin, a tingling following in the wake of his fingertips.
“I’d hope not but it never hurts to check,” she said, placing the book down beside her so she could focus on him properly. She wasn’t going to let him distract her so easily or she was going to try at least, she was only human at the end of the day.
She hadn’t hidden the concern. Not from him. Not from someone trained to read every emotion, every expression. She was worried. It wasn’t a big deal. Fire just helped him think sometimes. Focused him. Grounded him. And here they were, Kara worried, probably questioning what was wrong with him. If he even still wanted her. If a conversation with Daisy had turned his head so much he didn’t need her anymore.
His hand ran down her back, along her spine, knowing the simple act usually made her lose her train of thought. And as he stood behind her where she sat, he knew it would be easy to distract her this evening. She was usually reasonably fond of letting him take charge and it was much easier to direct things away from where he didn’t want them to be. Conversation included.
“Do you still need to check? Because I really can be much more thorough”
She knew he’d easily pick up on her concern, she wasn’t good at hiding anything from him. Not that she really wanted to. If wasn’t so much the lighter that concerned her but more what it represented. The need he had to focus himself, ground himself. She was all too familiar with the need to do both of those things, his method of doing that was fire, and hers was him. Kara suspected he also knew what was bothering her, it wasn’t a secret that she didn’t like the fact
There was no way she could keep the smile from creeping onto her face when he spoke, just hearing him say things like that made her feel like everything was going to be okay. Even if it that Skye was here or that she’d spoken to Grant.
She sighed softly at the feel of his hand running down her back, she knew exactly what he was trying to do and usually it would work quickly. She was determined not to let him derail her so easily. As much as she didn’t want to she turned to look at him standing behind her, it broke the contact for a moment though she suspected he’d adapt to her change in position without missing a beat.
“Oh, I don’t doubt that for a second. Maybe you could try using words instead though, just for a bit.”
She really did want to have all this out. Wonderful.
But he hadn’t given up either. He could be patient when he had to be. He stepped back from her, hands resting casually by his sides. “Using words? So, what, describe my plans for the next few hours in detail? Because sure, if you want to play it like that? Or I could tell you to come over here, and then I could show you?”
He’d get her to drop this. He could still very much become whoever he needed to be, and right now, he needed to be a distraction.
He wasn’t ready for the conversation she wanted to have. He was pretty sure he never would be.
She knew he wasn’t going to just give in and give her what she wanted. Neither of them were the type to just give in without a fight though, it was what had helped them both get through all they had and it was what had bound them together. Kara knew if she wasn’t careful she’d cause him to shut down, she didn’t want to do that but she also couldn’t stand not knowing.
It was a bad combination really.
“I was thinking more along the lines of you telling me things every woman likes to hear. Sure you can tell me what you plan to do for the next few hours but I know you’d prefer to show me rather than tell me that.”
She wasn’t exactly trying to push him but getting him to talk about other things first might allow her to steer any conversation towards what she wanted.
Oh it was just that was it? Words. Simple words.
“You mean the world to me Kara Palamas.” he said simply. “Having you here makes things so much easier and we’re gonna have a life here, you and me.”
She liked her assurances, always had done. And he couldn’t blame her, they were her way of feeling grounded. Knowing that he’d always be there for her. Knowing that she was the only woman in his life. He wondered was it Daisy. Had she been obsessing over that conversation, hidden from her view.
Was it just her?
“What’s this about baby? Do I not tell you enough”?
wasn’t if he told her that then she could almost believe it was true. She couldn’t help that she needed almost constant reassurance, it wasn’t really her fault that she’d been left with a deep sense of doubt about everything in her life.
And as much as she wished she didn’t she couldn’t help but obsess over the fact that Skye was here and Grant had talked to her. She knew how he’d felt for the other woman, she’d seen the way he’d looked at her before she’d chosen to put four bullets in him. She couldn’t help wondering if those feelings still lingered and if she’d one day lose him because of them. Back home it hadn’t really seemed like a possibility but here when there was no escaping others that small seed of fear was growing.
She wished she could quash that fear for good on her own but truth is she couldn’t and that was why she wasn’t going to let this go.
“I…,” she started and stopped as she realised that she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. “I just need to hear it.”
It should have worried him more how much she hung on every word he said. Most people would probably see it as damaging her further. He knew Betsy did. Coulson. Daisy. But they didn’t see this part. They didn’t see what she was like when he told her she was safe and cared for. They didn’t see that little bit of Kara that hadn’t been there before. The little bit of strength she regained for herself. Maybe he did have a certain level of control over her but he wasn’t John. He wasn’t here to use it. He wasn’t here to turn her into a weapon. She’d been through enough of that.
“Don’t be ashamed of that. We all go through things, different things. And we all have our ways of coping. You need to be reassured. I’ll do that. As much and as often as you need to be. Okay? There’s just you. I want you to remember that.”
It wasn’t entirely honest of course. Much as he wished it was Daisy was on his mind more frequently than he’d like. Not love, not even really lust anymore. Just something. An indefinable something. She burned like a flame and he could never completely pull free.
He hoped it helped Kara all the same. He really did care about her. And he was going to be there for her, help her, love her. There was just….
“Is that all that was bothering you?”
He could keep the conversation on Kara's worries and fears. That was safe.
It hadn’t been her intention to go at things this way, bringing up her own fears and worries hadn’t been how she wanted to get him to talk to her but maybe it would help. She held onto them so tightly and in doing so all she did was give them more power. Talking about them would help, having him reassure her definitely would. Deep down Kara knew she relied on him too heavily, she had never been like this before the brainwashing but she couldn’t help it now. She never felt strong enough to stand on her own two feet without him there to help her. She didn’t see it as control, not how others did, she saw it for what it was or maybe what she thought it was. It wasn’t always clear and maybe that was part of the problem.
“It’s not always easy to remember that,” she admitted, looking away from him as she did. “I sometimes wonder if you’re only with me because of pity.” She hadn’t meant to say it but it had come out and she immediately regretted it because she knew it wasn’t the case or she hoped it wasn’t.
The truth was she was sure that she loved Grant more than he loved her. She didn’t say that, she daren’t give that particular fear a voice but it was there hiding in the shadows of her mind slithering out any time it saw an opening. And Skye being around definitely gave it the opening it wanted, allowed it to spread like a disease, unseen by all but there all the same. She wouldn’t ask him not to talk to her, she wasn’t going to be that woman but she wanted to, god how she wanted to.
“No, it’s not,” she said softly. Might as well just come out and say it now that she’d already said something she hadn’t meant to. “I know you’re keeping something from me. Something you think I won’t be able to handle and I just want you to tell me.”
“Pity?” he repeated, more shocked than anything else. No, he didn’t pity her. Far from it, he actually admired how well she’d done since it had all happened. But she tended toward the self doubt. He supposed he couldn’t blame her. He might have been the same in her circumstances. She’d had a life, a job she loved, family. And Hydra had taken it all away.
“I don’t pity you Kara. Why do you think I would ever pity you? You’re an amazing woman. You’ve come through so much and no, I’m not with you out of pity. So enough of that, okay? You’re better than that.”
He understood a lot of it was Skye. He couldn’t blame her for seeing it as an issue. It wasn’t far off of one in a lot of ways. She probably did love him more than he was able to reciprocate, but he’d get there. He’d get there because she deserved that.
“I’m worried I’m messing this up.” he said finally, not able to really look at her. “...Betsy, and Skye they said something about us. Nothing bad, nothing...I just think maybe they still look at me and see John. And I don't know if i can deal with that.”
She couldn’t look at him for a moment, too worried about what she might see on his face if she did but then she needed to see. As much as she didn’t want to look she needed to see his face and whatever emotions it might betray. When she looked up though his face was almost unreadable, even to her but that wasn’t really a surprise.
“Because I’m broken, Hydra took everything from me and I still haven’t got it all back, I might never get it all back. I feel like I don’t deserve this, don’t deserve you because why should someone so broken deserve something so good in her life.”
That was what it really came down to, she didn’t feel like she deserved something that made her happy. She’d been happy with her life before it was taken from her, she remembered enough to know that but she hadn’t been strong enough to hold onto that so why should she be allowed to be happy now.
“You’re not messing this up,” she said softly, her eyes searching his face. “What did they say? If it’s nothing bad tell me what they said.” She felt anger beginning to swell in her chest, the fact that others felt they had any right to say something to make him doubt what they had sat heavily on her. “Does it help at all to know that when I look at you I don’t see anyone but the man who helped me find myself again? The man I love and want to be with, build a life with. If you can’t deal with things then let me help you, Grant. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“I’m not good Kara. I never was. You should know that by now.” he told her, still looking down. Still expressionless, impassive. Still trying to keep calm. “The things I’ve done, the things I still do. I don’t know why you think you don't deserve me when honestly. I don’t deserve you.”
He knew he was damaged. He had been since he was born. Not nature but most definitely nurture. He’d gotten lost in a world he couldn’t have imagined. Christian had become their father and Thomas. ...Thomas had probably had it the worst. “Thing is, I keep it from you. The worst of me. The parts that even they…” He couldn’t finish, still couldn’t look at her, knowing she was looking at him. The lighter was in his hand again, focusing on the flames. That was good. That was needed.
“They think, I guess not that I’m doing it on purpose, but that I’m controlling you. That you’re not making the decisions, I am. Moulding you into someone useful to me just like…”
Like John.
“...It would have been so much easier if I’d been sent in to kill them at the start. Don’t get attached, don’t give in to your weaknesses. Prove to me that you’re still worthy.”
He shook his head, finally looking up at her.
“I liked that you saw me as the strong one. That I was unbreakable. I’m sorry I’m not.”
“I know you are, Grant, you think you’re not but there is good there.” Her chest tightened as she saw the way he wasn’t looking at her, the way this was hurting him and she’d pushed him to it. This wasn’t what she’d wanted. “And you do deserve good things.”
The reason why they worked at the end of the day was because they were both damaged. In different ways, his had started early on with his family and hers was all from Hydra but it had brought them together. “You don’t need to keep anything from me, Grant, I wish you’d see that.” She felt tears prickling her eyes, she could see he was close to falling apart and she was powerless to stop it. “Nothing is going to change the way I feel about you.”
“They’re wrong, they don’t know the first thing about us. You’re not controlling me, you’ve never once tried to do that. And you’ve always encouraged me to make my own decisions, to choose what I want for myself so don’t let them poison this, don’t let them make you believe something that’s not true.”
Her heart broke when he finally looked at her, they were just as broken as each other. The question was could they help put each other back together again.
“You don’t need to say sorry, you don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to break, baby. You need to, it’s human and if you do I’ll be right here with you.”
She rose from her seat and moved over to him, her hands cupping his face as she met his eyes, affection shining in them even as the tears she’d felt began to fall down her cheeks. “I love you, Grant, all of you, as you are and that’s never going to change, I promise.
“They said I shouldn’t see you. That it wasn’t healthy for either of us.” Which of course on some level he knew wasn’t inaccurate. But he couldn’t give her up. No matter what, because maybe they were wrong. Maybe it wasn’t up to them. Maybe it was just him and Kara that mattered. She loved him, believed in him, saw him as a protector, a hero, a good person. And who could walk away from that.
He considered many options for what he could do, what course to take. He sat many days on the precipice unsure if it was worth trying to fight anymore. But then Kara had become important to him, even if he wasn't quite able to tell her what she needed to hear.
This was a mess, a complicated mess of feelings, affection, worry and fear. Because Grant Ward who hadn’t broken in a long time. Grant Ward who was forged in abuse and anger and betrayal. He broke. Finally letting the tears fall. Finally letting himself be weak. Letting it in.
It felt wrong. But it also felt to him like it was needed. It was something he’d been forced to hold back on since his teens in those worlds. Something that became a rainfall putting out the burning fires within his mind.
“Tell me again?” he told her, suddenly in need of that connection. That feeling.
“Tell me that I can be good? Tell me I mean the world to you? Tell me you love me?”
Hearing it, feeling loved, it numbed the pain, however briefly. And Kara saying that, sitting next to him tears in her own eyes. He pulled her toward him into a rough and passionate kiss, tensed, ready.
“Tell me?”
“Don’t listen to them, they don’t know the first thing about us,” she told him because it was true. Deep down Kara knew that their relationship might not be the healthiest thing for either of them but she couldn’t, wouldn’t walk away from it. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, what mattered was them, the two people in the relationship. No one was going to tell her she couldn’t be with the man she loved and anyone that tried would have a serious fight on their hands.
If she’d have known this was what had been bothering him she would have done more to make him realise that this was what she wanted. That she wanted to be with him because of her own reasons and not some sort of manipulation. Maybe he couldn’t tell her what she needed to hear right now but maybe one day he would and that was enough for her.
It was a mess but that’s what relationships were, messy emotional affairs that often left people wondering if they were worth it. Kara knew this one was, she knew it as certainly as she knew anything. Seeing Grant break made her feel helpless, she’d caused this and she hadn’t meant to. It made her wish she’d kept quiet and let him distract her like normal.
This had been a long time coming though, she knew how he kept his emotions all locked away and it wasn’t any way to live. It might have broken her heart to see him like this but he needed it and she’d help him through it however she could.
“Okay,” she whispered, struggling to keep her own tears from falling.
“You’re a good man, Grant. You mean more to me than anything in the entire world and I love you. I love you so much I can’t bear to think about being without you.”
She was happy to tell him that because it was all true. And he needed to hear it as much as she needed to be reassured. She let him pull her towards him and returned the kiss with just as much passion, despite herself she couldn’t keep the tears from starting to fall.
“I love you, Grant and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, whether that’s here or somewhere else. I love you and I don’t care what anyone else says.”