nicolas brown (feraltag) wrote in the100, @ 2015-11-02 23:47:00 |
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Entry tags: | !narrative, !trigger, nicolas brown |
WHO: Nicolas Brown
WHEN: 11/02
WHERE: Housing. 504G to be specific.
WHAT: Nic doesn't handle change well (mainly when it comes to his medication) and makes a mess.
WARNINGS: Substance abuse/overdosing, violent and suicidal thoughts
STATUS: Complete, but roommates are free to be upset about him pretty much trashing the place.
"Tch! God damn it. Damn it all to Hell. Why are you always doing this shit? You're such a stubborn bastard!"
It rang like a mantra in his head right then and there and it wouldn't go away. Funny how he couldn't even hear vibrations, yet those words seemed crystal clear as if they had some sort of actual audible voice behind them by now. Those words have been read from lips too many times and he didn't need the presence of his previous owner there to know it'd be said right at that very moment. Nicolas had fucked up and he knew it was coming. No matter what he'd do in the current situation, he'd screw up. A different life meant different standards and different standards meant change and control.
First his face felt numb, aside from feeling frozen before nothing but pinpricks on every inch of his skin. He had to appear normal and calm, but once secure and alone in the room he needed to sit as that coldness suddenly turned around. It was hot, so hot he threw his jacket off and accidentally ripped a button off his shirt -damn it he liked that shirt too- but it didn't seem to help. The coldness would come back, he knew it would, so it'd be useless to remove anything else. All the Twilight needed to do was sit there and let things pass or at least hope so; sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't.
Droplets. Why were there droplets? It must have been his nose bleeding... Great. A heavy hand lifted before wincing in pain as if stabbed with a hot knife, but it kept moving to wipe away and confirm the deep red substance that turned into a rust when his fingers slid and smeared it. Was it really going to turn ugly? He hadn't even overdosed on his Upper Celebrer for almost a month now, but his body must have been rejecting the unusual amount of Downer while craving for the Upper; it wanted to be filled with that animalistic behavior, it wanted a good fight, but Nicolas had to say no to it. His old job actually felt like a good idea at the moment because it gave him an idea how to balance his medication right, or to an amount it adapted to. It was used to overdosing on the Upper, but having to restrain his violent tendencies he stopped taking it as much and opted for the opposite. He was a fool to believe it'd be easy.
His body would have laid in bed if it hadn't suddenly jerked as he gasped to breathe properly. Everything felt so heavy like a boulder was crushing his rib-cage and he needed to get up and get to the toilet to open his mouth as his body rejected itself even more than the blood. Everything was blurry as he tried to grab onto a surface, not seeing whatever he was knocking over. Nicolas had to do it, and he felt some sort of pride being kicked in the process.
“I am... sorry.” He wasn't sure who his apology was for, he just knew he was about to abuse his medication more. That apology should probably be for Dr. Theo, Nina, Worick and as well as Snow White for being his current Contract Holder.
He knocked more things over as he went back to his belongings to grab his Upper Celebrer. So much for controlling it... The top was soon popped off and tablets fell onto his tongue. Who knows how many he took? It was probably about twelve when the normal dosage was two or three. Nicolas swallowed hard with some water rushed afterwards and needed to wait for the aftermath of his actions.
The weight was lifting and he felt he could breathe again. It felt things were getting back to normal, however now he was overdosed on the Upper. His nose continued to bleed, but at least he didn't feel nauseated anymore and his vision was back.
The Downer kept him very human though, and the Upper made something inside his soul feel the need to murder, but it was against his race's laws to kill without it being an order from the Contract Holder, and his life wasn't endangered by a threat around him either.
"Why are you always doing this shit? You're such a stubborn bastard!"
It played in his head again and all he could do was sit there shaking in the room he had trashed and laugh as his overdose tried to drive him insane while destroying every organ in his body little by little, yet with a boost from his stunt. No matter what his choice would have been, he'd always be walking along a double-edged sword. He could always just kill himself, he always wanted to, but he had to live and suffer as long as possible all because of that goddamn gigolo of a friend still back home that he needed to return to and protect.
Nicolas could only find the pain -both mental and physical- hilarious in his state that would eventually fade, but what made it even more comedic for him was how much medication he had just wasted.
"Stop pretending to be human, you monster."
Only hollow shells of laughter remained.