Dr. Jemma FitzSimmons (dissectsthings) wrote in the100, @ 2015-07-15 23:04:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, jemma simmons, leo fitz |
WHO: FitzSimmons
WHEN: June 25th after this
WHERE: The labs
WHAT: A much needed talk, and a few realisations.
WARNINGS: None, unless you need warnings for the most adorable awkwardness ever
Jemma had been thinking a lot lately. Being here. Seeing the way people had been managing to build lives, and even find love had just added to her thinking. She’d known for years that she loved Fitz. He was her best friend in the world. And, she knew she couldn’t cope without him in her life. She’d spent the entire time he was in a coma, sat by his bedside. But, she was shocked when he told her that she was more than that. That had never occurred to her. I mean, sure she’d always found other guys rather dull, and not her intellectual equal. Especially compared to him. But, she never really thought much of it other than that.
But, worse was that since she got back from, infiltrating HYDRA, their relationship had been strained. He said she’d abandoned him, but she’d only done what she thought was best. Her presence had only seemed to be making him worse. And, however much it had pained her to leave him behind. She’d thought it was what he needed. But, with everything that had happened since. Both here and at home. She’d finally realised that what she felt was in fact more than that too. And, that’s why she’d asked Fitz to come and meet her. Yet, she was nervous. Things had been off with them for a while, and she was worried that maybe his feelings towards her had changed.
So, now she was sat at her microscope, looking at some of the specimens, she and Dr Banner had collected. Just trying to distract herself until he arrived. And, she did want to try and get this problem solved. Being able to protect the animals from radiation would be extremely useful, after all.
“Found some crackers -- or at least I think they are. Might be a bit… what’s it -- stale, but we’re underground and the humidity’s non-stop, so, really, it’s all relative,” Fitz jumped right in with. He’d cleared the entry to the lab, a plate of the so-called snacks held out in a small show. It was more an easy way to break the ice. Here was food. Nothing was awkward. Same old, same old -- because change apparently didn’t sit well with Simmons, and maybe it didn’t sit well with Fitz himself either. He just hadn’t had the choice about changing. It wasn’t the intended outcome of making sure Simmons got out of that capsule alive. Granted, his resignation had been to a watery grave, but…
“Bit less crunchy than usual. That’s all,” he added, probably needlessly, as he walked over to where Simmons was stooped over her microscope. There was a vague gesture towards it. “Anything promising?”
Simmons couldn’t help herself, as she automatically smiled indulgently as he babbled on about the crackers. She hated that he felt awkward around her still. But, it was still so, well, Fitz. Because, sure they’d both changed a lot this last year. And, maybe there wasn’t a lot either of them could do about that. Circumstances, being what they were. But, they were both the same at the core, and maybe they both just needed to remember that.
“Thank you, Fitz.” She replied, as she pushed her microscope away. She’d barely been making progress, anyway. It was bloody frustrating, that’s what it was. But, it was a challenge, and she did love a challenge. And, the chance to work with Dr Banner, was pretty brilliant too. But, that wasn’t what was important right now. Well, okay, it was. But, she needed a break. And there was something eating at her, which she still wasn’t sure how to broach.
“Not really. It’s hard, when we have no point of reference to start from. And, we don’t exactly have the resources that I’d have back home, either.”
The snacks were set on the table just beside Simmons, albeit far enough from whatever she was peering at -- he couldn’t help his persisting squeamishness about tissue samples co-mingling with food. A glance around revealed a nearby chair, which he snagged and dragged up next. A cracker was then taken and summarily crammed into his mouth while he gave a nod of understanding.
“Once again, life without SHIELD. Suppose that’s the theme of the universe,” he returned. The question was on his tongue. She’d asked him to come by to talk, and it could’ve have been on the network. That suggested something serious, but she wasn’t looking as if it was anything deadly or… contagious. “It’s quiet,” he noted. More of that quiet followed the observation. If Simmons wanted to talk, she would have to clue him in…
Simmons noticed the exact distance he kept the food away from her samples. His persistent squeamishness was occasionally a bit irritating, But, in this case it was probably wise. And, besides. Work wasn’t what she’d asked him here for. It had been a year, and they still hadn’t talked about it. And, she could see he wanted to ask. But, wasn’t sure how to. It really was her job to start this conversation. She knew that. Just, now he was there in front of her, all of the things she’d planned on saying completely left her mind. Which may have been for the best, all in all.
“We never spoke about what happened.” She said, meeting his eyes with hers. Willing him to understand what she meant. “At the bottom of the ocean.” It was probably a terrible way to start. But, it was the only one she could think of in this moment. That day had been traumatic for both of them. She’d almost lost him. And, that had changed her, in ways even she wasn’t completely sure of, sometimes.
He was quiet, and though his eyes had held contact for the pause, Fitz turned to look at the plate he’d brought with him. There was a loose wave of his hand. “Nothing to talk about, Simmons. I thought that was what we -- what we ended up deciding on. Whatever happened down there stayed down there,” he replied, hastily masking any hesitance to broach the topic again. She wasn’t interested. He got the message back then, and it hadn’t done anyone any good to hold onto Simmons for as long as he did. Speaking to her when she wasn’t even there --
He grimaced to himself. It had been a long journey of recovery, and part of it was accepting that their relationship had changed. It hadn’t changed in the way he would have hoped, but it changed. And now they were finding their way back to a new form of normal, and she was going to pry that open all over. Once was rejection enough. He should really pick up and head for the door.
It broke her heart to see Fitz react like that. She hated that she’d hurt him like that, because it wasn’t like that at all. She just hadn’t realised what it was she wanted, until now. It had all been so unexpected, and they’d both had so much to deal with in the aftermath. And, maybe she was wrong, but she’d thought it would be better for his recovery this way.
“I don’t want it to stay down there, Leo.” She said, in a rare moment of actually using his first name. She reached across to lay her hand on his, squeezing it. She was so rarely lost for words, but she was finding it hard to express herself properly. “You’re more than my best friend.” She continued, paraphrasing him. Because it was the only way she could think to say it. While her heart was pounding this hard in her chest. Still terrified that maybe he’d changed his mind. That it was too late.
His expression dimmed to a perplexed scrunch, with brows knitted. There were a few cards being played. His first name, that callback to his own words, the utter lack of anyone else around... Despite all that, he spared a glance behind him, as if someone else might be on the receiving end of those words. There wasn’t another soul, but it didn’t stop his thought processes from churning away. Surely she meant this another way.
The touch at his hand, though -- that stopped him entirely. And it wasn’t that they hadn’t ever had the meaningful embrace, either. Plenty of times had found a reaffirming shoulder clasp or a consoling hug working into the conversation. It was just so intentional right now that it seemed like Simmons could only mean one thing. Still, Fitz looked up at her, mouth slightly gaping as he fumbling for what to say now. “What?” was all that came out.
She couldn’t take her eyes off of his face, trying to read every single expression that crossed it. She hated feeling this awkward with him, but taking this step was such a big deal. It could damage their friendship irrevocably if it went wrong. But, then she couldn’t see a single situation where it could go wrong. She already knew almost everything about him. She found him exasperating, and fascinating and the only person who could comfort her when things went wrong. He was her best friend, and had been for years.
There were so many ways she could have reacted to the shocked and confused look on his face. She could have teased him for looking a bit like a fish. She could have tried to explain, but the words still weren’t coming. Still, she opened her mouth as she tried to grasp the words, before closing it. Probably looking even more like a fish than he was. And then, without even thinking about it, she propelled herself forward and kissed him. It was just a brief kiss, before she leaned back slightly to gauge his reaction. But, she hoped it explained it better than she was managing to do with words.
His brain was aware of what was happening; it wasn’t as if she’d tripped forward into him in that very specific sort of way, and there wasn’t any pretending like that wasn’t a kiss. Even if he mostly sat there, completely daft and unable to figure out what or how to process it in that brief few seconds, it was definitely and unmistakably a kiss. His fingers slipped up to his mouth, tips tracing along his bottom lip as if to check that it had actually happened.
He didn’t have a plan for this. There wasn’t a speech Fitz had in mind, or a smooth response. Which, really, was purely Fitz by all accounts. His furrowed brows persisted, although the overall puzzlement had ebbed with Simmons’ “confession.”
“Oh,” he finally replied. His fingers lowered from his mouth. “That wasn’t what I was expected. That -- well, not that I’m saying it was bad. It was --” He raised his hands in a slight panic, trying to amend what sounded awful to even his own ears. “I just wasn’t anticipating it, I mean. I thought -- you were…” This was a wreck. He never had that easy and smooth manner of speaking. “What changed?” he asked. It was the hurdle he couldn’t jump. Something had happened between the ocean’s bottom and now, and he’d missed it.
“Oh, Fitz.” She smiled, as he started babbling. It was so familiar, she couldn’t help but smile at it. Especially when he started panicking. She never wanted that smooth manner that other people had. She didn’t exactly have that herself, either. But, it also gave her hope that maybe she hadn’t ruined everything.
“I did.” She started, “I mean, I finally realised what I knew all along.” She knew that this wasn’t exactly a clear explanation, but it was a start. “You know sometimes when you’re working on a problem, and you just can’t figure it out. You’ve been working on it for hours, days even. And, no matter what you do the solution doesn’t jump out at you. But, then things change. Whether it’s because you take a break for a bit. Or, someone else shows up with a new perspective, and points it out to you. Or, just a small change in environment. And then, suddenly you see it. And, it was staring you in the face the whole time?”
“Bit like raspberry jam. Didn’t used to care for it, and one day I tried it again, and it was --” The worst analogy ever, Fitz mentally told himself. Simmons wasn’t jam. He closed his eyes, but commitment to finished the sentence won out. “Not as bad as I thought. Had it every day for a week, and that isn’t what I wanted to say. That… that isn’t relevant. I... “
He cleared his throat. The logical progression here would be to ask her out, and it had been a thought on his mind months ago. But where was there to even go? Mount Weather didn’t have much of a night life or a restaurant selection. “Maybe sometime you’d want to -- I mean, there’s not much around here, but we could grab dinner together and bring it back here. Shouldn’t be hard to rig up a projection system if I can get a film to watch…”
She smiled fondly at his awkward analogy. She could tell that he’d let the sentence get away from him. Being best friends for ten years would do that to people. They knew each other almost too well, in some ways. But, it was definitely a good thing. “I think I’d like that very much, Fitz.” Jemma said, reaching across to take his hand in hers. It wasn’t the first time. They’d held hands to comfort each other before. But, this time was the first time there was more to it. For both of them. “We should go have a look in the library. See what films we can find.”