Nico di Angelo (guide_your_soul) wrote in the100, @ 2016-04-29 11:19:00 |
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The past few weeks had been varying degrees of misery, but that was nothing new to Nico’s life. At least back in his world. In Mount Weather, things had managed to not be so bad. In fact, they were good more times than not. A new leaf turned over. Guess it was just a matter of time before it all went downhill again.
Just that thought sent a spike of anger through Nico. Whether it was at himself for thinking it, for falling back into that mindset again, or at himself for falling for the hope the new memories and the friends of this world had given him again, he wasn’t sure. He could feel those old feelings bubbling up again. The doubt. The bitterness. The hate and anger and… disappointment… Maybe that was it. It wasn’t accepting the worst or actually thinking that things would be better this time. It was that he’d been doing so well. He had friends. He had a really good friend and he’d managed to keep the crush down and in control. Even Cupid hadn’t been able to ruin his friendship with Anakin. But now…
He was trying to just leave it all back in that other world. To forget. If he found some Lethe water, he was one impulsive moment away from taking a drop or two to help with the whole forgetting thing. He could just be friends. Except his mind kept wandering back. Most of the things he remembered, he wasn’t ready by any means to want to do, but the basics… He hadn’t known what it’d be like and now that he did, he wanted so much more. Kissing Anakin. Holding his hand while they were out walking. That extra level of cuddling while watching movies. The absence ached in his chest, but he didn’t know how to fix it without wrecking everything he already had.
Stupid magic… Stupid feelings… Stupid Nico…
Luckily there’d been enough things around the mountain that needed doing to keep himself busy, but that didn’t help the downtime. Still being a friend as best he could. Like now. Anakin on his team. Working to maybe win a game this time. They needed to win so Anakin wouldn’t think he was a jinx. If only his stomach would stop doing the resurrecting butterflies thing. If only he could get back to that easy and not at all awkward flow they had. He knew what he would have done back in his world. Just leave. Run. But where would he go here?
Glancing around for some markers in the terrain, he nodded his head to the left before heading up a small rocky hill. Better to just focus on that winning thing. “C’mon. I remember a good base spot a bit this way. Maybe they got the flag there.”
"Yeah, good call," Anakin responded automatically, trying not to be awkward. He had been a half breath away from bowing out of Capture the Flag, but that was stupid, really stupid. And he had told Reyna that he would only ignore everything for so long and it had been over a week, almost two, and he still hadn't said anything to Nico. Couple this to his mother's disappearance last week and he couldn't help but remember Reyna reminding him that he didn't know how long they would have here. Admittedly, this wasn't really the time to do it, but maybe they could fall back into the easy, or easier camaraderie they'd had before, and even if they couldn't - it would have to be better than not talking at all.
Yet even in that camaraderie Anakin had wanted to reach over and take Nico's hand or maybe lean over and kiss him. And having done so, and remembering having done that, and a little bit more besides, was not improving the situation at all. But he missed Nico. For all he'd kind of avoided the other boy, he really missed him. And maybe it was worth having the conversation if they could get beyond this awkward.
He hadn't realized in the other place, just how much he was jeopardizing. And Anakin knew that Reyna had said, or implied, that they were still somewhat themselves, and certainly the fact that he's just reached out and kissed Nico on a whim, that was something Anakin Solo had been wanting to do for months, so it certainly did seem to suggest that it was a possibility. But if that was the case then Nico wouldn't be avoiding him - would he?
He stuffed his hands in his pocket, not really thinking on Capture the Flag strategy nearly as much as he ought to be. Instead it was a little too easy to think about Nico, and kissing, and friendship, and - stop it Anakin, he told himself firmly.
"Nico," he said out loud,cursing himself for having done this, for having broke the impossible silence that seemed to fall between them, but he didn't give himself time to fret, instead just pushing on forward. "Listen, the whole magic thing with the other life stuff, we should - I don't know maybe just…" Okay he had no idea what to say. He stopped and frowned and shrugged with the obvious coming to his lips. "Stop avoiding it?"
Tension seized his muscles as soon as he heard his name. That wasn’t a ‘Nico, I found something’ or a ‘Nico, I just remembered this great story’. It was… Yup. That. A ‘Nico, let’s talk’.
He took a deep breath, doing his best job at steeling his nerves, before he turned towards Anakin. “Look, it’s alright, yeah? I get it. It’s ok.” He shrugged, trying to act like it was no big deal. “What happened in that place, stays in that place. Right?” He cringed as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Not because of the words themselves, but because of the bitter tone creeping in at the end, latching onto that ‘right’.
He hadn’t meant for that to happen. He was aiming for reassuring. Making his friend feel better. Just smoothing it over as a non-issue even if it wasn’t. And now… He shook his head as he took a step back. And then another. “I get it. We should just…” He waved his hand to the side, as if the other team’s flag would just magically appear. Even if that was the last thing on his mind now. Just ducking into a nice shadow and seeing wherever he ended up was high on that list instead.
Anakin winced at Nico's words. I mean, yes, he'd said that, and probably Nico was trying to be comforting and telling him that everything was fine, but it really wasn't, which made Anakin wonder if he'd been trying to be comforting to Reyna and really hadn't been. Ugh, that was a whole other thing to consider for another time when he didn't have his best friend standing next to him. Besides which, there was almost - Anakin frowned as he tried to sort out the feedback he was getting from Nico and coming up uncertain of exactly what it was.
"I -" he opened his mouth and shut it again while dozen of words options helpfully presented themselves, with none of them being truly that helpful. Okay, words, Anakin; use your damn words.
"I'm not sorry," and maybe those weren't the best words to use, but okay, fine, he was going to just blunder on because as bad as things were they couldn't get any worse. Either they'd sort through things, and Nico would know Anakin liked him, and that would ruin their friendship, or they wouldn't sort through things and that would ruin their friendship, or they would sort through things and Anakin could stop hiding that he liked Nico, and just work on being a friend, even if it was awkward. But pretty much, anything couldn't be worse than the current avoidance tactic. Anakin suspected having Nico genuinely mad at him would at least be something he'd be able to deal with. At least he'd have been honest with Nico and with himself.
"I mean, okay, I'm sorry because I feel like Not Me went and messed everything up with us, and because it's not how I would have pictured that going down. And like I know I kissed you," his cheeks felt hot enough that they might actually explode. "So maybe it's stupid to say that I'm not sorry, maybe it's better to just say that it's okay, what happened there. If I'd had my memories I would have done things differently because you're my best friend and you matter to me and I hate that this made things awkward, but I'm not mad about it, if you aren't.
"And yeah, I mean, what happened there, it - isn't here," Anakin finished with a sigh he couldn't quite help, because he wasn't certain that he'd conveyed in all of those words what he really wanted to say which was that he liked Nico.
Nico narrowed his eyes, watching Anakin intently as he blundered his way through… something… His brow furrowed as he picked the words apart, trying to figure out just what the other boy was going for. Anakin was… ok with the kissing? But if he had been himself, he would have done things differently because….?
Best friend. That’s what it came down to, wasn’t it? Was that what this was? Forgiveness for what happened thanks to magic? That he didn’t blame him? That it was ok, but… friends? Except he wasn’t sorry…? But wasn’t sorry for what part?
He shook his head, his brain still churning. “I am…” he said softly, still not sure which direction Anakin was going on, but making himself not think about the most positive choice. That Anakin might… “I’m sorry. For what the magic did, however it worked. I’m sorry it did that to you. That it made you…” He could feel his cheeks going red, his skin burning. “That with the curse that it… it picked up on… and did that to you… I’m sorry.”
Somewhere in the distance Anakin could hear someone yelling something and possibly a flag had been found and the entire game was already over, he didn't know for certain and it almost seemed like something that was happening somewhere else as far removed from him right now as Mount Weather had been a few weeks ago.
Chewie had said that he needed to talk to Nico, fine, okay, he could do that. He could do that, right? He sucked in on the inside of his cheek, trying to work up courage. The magic had picked up on something. It had picked up on what Anakin had been thinking about more or less consciously for the last four months, or maybe closer to five. And it had picked up on something because it was there to be picked up on.
"It's not -" he stopped and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He looked down at the toes of his shoe for a minute. He was messing this up too, he was certain of it. "It's just - " Anakin forced himself to look up, uncertain what Nico's response was going to be and he plunged on ahead. "The magic didn't really do anything to me - it just - I just - I like you, Nico." The words came out followed by a nervous, soft whoosh of his breath. That had to be obvious right? He hadn't just bungled around saying that, had he? "And I know this isn't the same here, and I don't want things to be awkward because of there… but also you shouldn't feel like obligated or anything, just because there. Cause we aren't there and we didn't have our memories or anything…"
Nico froze to the spot, his eyes wide as he stared at Anakin. If he hadn’t known better, he would have thought that he was still talking. Except that his mouth was shut and Anakin was definitely the one speaking, not him. But the words coming out… weren’t those his lines? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one going on about liking and it being ok and… That’s what he’d been starting on, but instead Anakin thought that…
This couldn’t be right… There was no way…
He took a step towards Anakin as he shook his head. Maybe he’d misheard the other boy with the commotion starting up in the distance. “You… you… what?”
Anakin really wished he'd not brought this up. Maybe staying silent would have been better after all. Like, they could have worked out the awkward without him saying any of this. Right? He swallowed and tried not to wish he was somewhere else. He'd said it, he could try to back out now, did he even want to back out now? If he backed out then what? Nico was really too close for him to figure out the answer to that question anyway. He'd rushed in, well maybe not exactly rushed considering he'd sat on it for nearly two weeks, but he hadn't thought tonight.
"I um, I like you," he repeated, his cheeks feeling impossibly hot as he did so. "But it's not important. I mean, not that it's not important, but just, I miss hanging out and doing stuff. That's what's really important."
The last sentences didn’t register. Those first few words kept circling in his head, drowning everything else out. Nico had to be hearing it wrong. It couldn’t really be… Anakin liked him. Anakin liked him. It was ridiculous. It had to be ridiculous… Right? He couldn’t possibly actually like him.
But Nico knew that look. He’d been on the other end of it. Saying something he didn’t want to admit and not knowing how it’d be received. Wishing the ground would just swallow him up and put him out of his misery. Preparing for the worst answer while trying not to hope for the best. Waiting. Oh that horrible, horrible waiting…
This couldn’t be real, could it? It seemed too good to be true after the past few weeks. Like any moment now Cupid would jump out to laugh at him. Again. Except this was Anakin. He was impulsive, honest, so caring. He’d never do something so cruel. Thinking that Anakin would was, well, even more ridiculous than the possibility that he actually liked him. Especially when everything in Anakin’s stance spoke of him throwing the admittance into a void. Not knowing...
His hand reached out, hesitant at first, but then his jaw set in determination. Just go for it. Even if he still couldn’t believe the answer, there was his answer to that aggravating question of whether Anakin might like guys or not. An even more solid answer considering he didn’t even have to hop to the next question of whether he liked him. He tangled his hand in the front of Anakin’s shirt, tugging him down so he could press his lips against the other boy’s.
Whatever Anakin had been expecting it hadn't quite been this. After his talk with Chewie he might have dared to hope that if whatever had happened in crazy land had some basis in his reality, that maybe it might have been the same for Nico too. But that had been a really far outside hope and what he'd been suspecting would happen was a long ways from, and a good deal less pleasant than the warm lips currently against his.
Technically it was his first kiss or at least it was his first kiss that felt real and not like some sort of weird dream that maybe had happened to him and maybe also kinda hadn't. And it felt silly to say that he hadn't been expecting it - but really he hadn't been expecting it at all.
His eyes widened slightly and then fluttered closed, his hand coming up to find Nico's, and everything he'd been saying - trying to say - the words had scattered out into the trees and all he could come up with in the absence was: "Oh."
The kiss didn’t last long, but Nico still came away flushed. Oh gods, he’d actually done that, hadn’t he? He’d kissed Anakin. Not like he hadn’t thought of it before. Even before this whole other universe thing… Just leaning in and kissing the other boy while watching movies curled up on his bed. Closing that distance while sparring. A million and one different scenarios, except he always just pushed that urge back. Kept it as just that fantasy yearning. He didn’t want to ruin their friendship. He didn’t want to steal away Anakin’s first kiss, especially when it was so important considering how his life went back in his own world.
Now that the burst of bravery was fading, that familiar doubt was creeping in. Had he read the signs wrong? Had he jumped to the wrong conclusions about what Anakin meant by ‘like’? Had he just meant like and not like like? His fingers twitched in Anakin’s hand, both enjoying the warmth and wanting to pull away. Nothing bad had happened. Yet. He just had to stay calm and not freak out. Freak out more…
“Oh?” he asked quietly, not sure he could string together a better question without completely messing up the moment.
Anakin felt like there was no way that Nico couldn't hear his heartbeat pounding as he was looking at him. His cheeks were flushed, and he felt a little breathless. Nico had kissed him. Nico had kissed him. That had just happened. Here. During a Capture the Flag game of all times.
"No, I mean," he stared back at Nico for a minute, and suddenly it rushed in that standing stunned really wasn't a good way to respond when someone kissed you. A crooked grin crossed his face, and he leaned back across to close the distance between them to kiss Nico this time. It was just as brief, his cheeks still warm and flushed from the first kiss and the warmth of Nico's hand in his and he went to find Nico's other hand, to grasp them both in his before he pulled back.
"I mean, good. I think 'good' is really what I mean," he managed to say breathlessly. "You kissed me." He pointed out, trying to be casual, even if he really just wanted to scream it. "I mean, I guess, I should take that to mean you're okay, with - um, I mean, we're okay?"
If that annoyingly dashing grin hadn’t knocked Nico off balance, the return kiss certainly did. He should have expected it, but with the way his life went, well, actually having the expected happen, especially when it was good, wasn’t a common thing.
So even though the kiss was brief, it took him a moment to get his mind together. Process the kiss. Actually hear the words. A small, smug smirk quirked his lips. “Yeah. I did,” he agreed, moving his hand enough so he could point a finger at Anakin. “You kissed me too. Copy cat.” His head ducked with a nod, his cheeks flushing. “Yeah. I guess… I guess we’re okay ‘cause…” He blew out a breath. “I like you. I… I’ve liked you for… for a really long time…”
Anakin's breath whooshed out in an almost laugh, a release of all the uncertainty and anxiety of the past couple of weeks. Nico had kissed him. He didn't mind that Anakin had kissed him in some other place where they had been not quite themselves, but that part had maybe been sort of themselves. No, Nico had kissed him. More importantly perhaps, Nico liked him. Anakin knew he was grinning way too broadly, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care.
"Cool," he managed, with a calm that he didn't really feel. He was still holding one of Nico's hands and he looked down at it. His cheeks were warm, but it wasn't an unpleasant warmth. If anything it was kind of the opposite. He had absolutely no idea what came next, but he figured if it involved holding Nico's hand then it was 100% acceptable. "So… um. What's next?"
Man, that smile… How could anyone be nervous or worried when that smile was aimed at them? Nico couldn’t quite believe that what he’d said and done could earn a grin like that and yet there it was. Bright and warm and bringing those stomach butterflies fluttering up again, except… they were good. Very good pleasant butterflies. He could get used to this type of butterflies…
He answered with his own grin, wide to the point of making his cheeks already ache a bit. He shrugged as he shook his head. “No clue,” he said, a faint laugh tainting the words. Wow. This was really happening, wasn’t it? He glanced away, vaguely scanning the surrounding trees. “We should probably… The flag might’ve gotten caught. We should check in…” His gaze turned back to Anakin and his cheeks reddened. “Eventually…” He started to lean in again, ready to steal another kiss, but he stopped just short, his nose wrinkling. “It’s weird. You being taller.”
"You mean brilliant," Anakin teased, and he leaned in the rest of the way to finish the kiss again. Since he was being allowed to do so, he was going to take advantage of that. "It was weird you being taller."
He wasn't certain he really wanted to go back although he figured probably Nico was right. It almost sounded as if someone had caught the flag with all the commotion, but Anakin didn't even care. Didn't even care if it was the other team yet again, that had managed to collect the flag. It didn't matter what his Capture the Flag luck was tonight because it had no bearing on his real life luck, which seemed remarkably good. He squeezed Nico's fingers. "I'm okay with them thinking we've gotten lost for a little while if it means I get to keep holding your hand."
“I kinda miss it,” Nico admitted absently. That was probably just being the short one of the group talking. Shorter, younger, and everything that went with that. It’d been nice being taller, even if it had it’s own list of problems. He definitely wasn’t missing that crick in his neck from having to bend down to kiss Anakin.
For a moment, he just took the moment in. Anakin holding his hand. Anakin standing so close. That bright look on Anakin’s face. Anakin, here, wanting to keep being here like this. This was really happening. Right? The action was silly, he knew it was silly considering how often he went traipsing through people’s dreams, but still, he moved his hand enough to pinch his arm. Ok. Yeah. Not dreaming. Might as well make the best of the situation before Anakin changed his mind about all this. Squeezing Anakin’s hand back, he nodded. “Yeah. Let’s stay lost a bit longer,” he mumbled before leaning in for another kiss.