mount weather: kili
In the world Tauriel and I are from, it would have been difficult for us to have a life together. Nevermind how I don't survive the battle - had I lived, we each would have faced banishment from our homes. She already had. For me. For wanting to do what was right.
My uncle was right when he said I asked too much of him. We could not have fought old scars and prejudices in a few weeks or a few months. Perhaps not even in a lifetime. The anger that our people held onto stretched back centuries. Our love alone would have likely never been enough to change their minds. I was prepared for that. I'd asked her to come with me to the mountain, but we each had duties to our kings that we weren't ready to disobey. I don't regret that. My uncle and brother and cousins needed me. Our people needed us. I couldn't turn my back on them. But I had hoped that when it was over, something would be different. Better. If the kingdom no longer needed me - if we'd all survived, Thorin would have been there to rule, and after him there would have been my brother - then I would have been free to do what I wanted. I could have followed my heart. I would have followed her anywhere. I wanted to show her all the things I'd seen. I wanted to watch her watch the moon rise over the mountains I once called home. I wish I could say it wouldn't have mattered what our people said, but it did matter. It simply wouldn't have changed my mind either. I had never been truly alone in all my life until I came here. Now I wasn't as ready to face disappointing my family as I thought I was. I've been angry, and afraid, and demanding in response. I wasn't sure how to be patient when we didn't know how much time we'd have. I wanted the life I knew I would never have in our world.
I wasted so much time on anger I found a place for a home that I think Tauriel would have liked. She wasn't made for living underground like I am, and she wanted to live among the trees, but now she's gone.
I think I'll build something anyway. So if she comes back, it's here, even if I'm not.