Jessica Drew (arachnophilia) wrote in the100, @ 2016-03-09 23:36:00 |
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By the end of the week, it was getting painfully obvious that she was avoiding Clint. Not because used her spidey sense to figure out if he was nearby before dodging down a different corridor, or she changed her schedule slightly so she wouldn’t run into him like she normally did. No, it became obvious when she spotted him walking in her direction and instead of doing the rational thing like playing it cool, making small talk and then coming up with an excuse, Jess turned and started walking the opposite direction with speed and purpose. Really, it wasn’t Clint. It was but she wasn’t actively trying to be a dick about it. It was… complicated? Their lives were complicated, mostly out of their own making. In this case, she’d been convinced that he had slept with Jo and decided that distance was a way better option than being jealous. Because she was decidedly not jealous. Oh who was she kidding? She was fucking jealous. Why? Clint had cheated on her. He purposely messed up their relationship knowing it’d make her back off because he couldn’t handle things going well in his life. He admitted that. Jess knew she was better off just letting it go. But it wasn’t that long ago, and Clint already jumping to the idea of someone knew hurt, especially with the knowledge that yeah, Clint could do a lot better than her, it still stung that it might be coming true right in front of her face. So as far as mature responses went, hers sucked. But damnit, it was what she did. "Hey. Hey—" It was one thing to think that they were just missing one another by accident, but it was another to actually see Jess in the hallway, start to wave, and have her turn around and start to bolt. The hell? Clint knew they were on rocky terms, he wasn't stupid. He'd screwed things up, big time. Looking back on it, he may have done it half on purpose because he was freaked out at the idea of something more serious with Jess. He hadn't been thinking about it that way at the time (his dick did a lot of the thinking in the moment), but he knew that he'd self-sabotaged. Barton, you dummy. Maybe it was smart to not chase her down, but she'd just blatantly avoided him. Had she been avoiding him on purpose for days? He hadn't seen her for days. "Jess. Hey, Jess." He jogged to catch up with her, to get up ahead of her and then cut off her path. "Yo. Hiiii." He waved. He'd at least get a "hi" back, right? Damnit. She knew running was a mistake. Jess had ignored him at first, until he came to a screeching halt in front of her and she really couldn’t, so she almost barrelled into him because - well. Two forces, one running from their problems and one running to them were probably bound to collide. Jess stopped just short, through, and wrinkled up her nose a little. And then Clint was being adorable and waving, and her shoulders instantly dropped. She waved back, half-heartedly. “Hii. Sorry didn’t see you there. I just remembered I’m-” Jess shrugged and looked for a way out. Any way out. “Late for a meeting.” . Clint made a face. He was mostly deaf, his hearing aids just able to compensate for his shitty lipreading, but he knew that he was hearing her right. It was still bullshit. "A meeting?" he asked. He started to grin, folding his arms across his chest. "What kind of meeting? Important business meeting for your important business? Are the Avengers assembling, because if they are, I must've missed it, so I'll come with you." Didn't see you there. Jeez. His smile faltered a little and he leaned in a little. "Are you mad at me?" He got cute when he was repentant. Even when she was mad at him, even when she was avoiding him, Jess made a point of it to turn her face towards Clint so he could read her lips easier. She was usually guilty of mumbling, but this was something she didn’t harp on. If anything, when she was mad at him, it helped him to know exactly why she was mad. But she wasn’t mad, and realizing that he was going to be amused if he thought she was, she squared her shoulders again and stared him down. “No. And it’s not an Avengers meeting, most of them don’t even know how to Avengers assemble. It’s just a meeting, cowboy.” Lying through her teeth was never Jess’s strong suit, spy training and all. "Yeah?" Clint scrunched his nose and swayed a little on his feet. "That's good, because it was super starting to look like you were avoiding me. Like, 'seeing me in the hall and turning around to walk the other way' avoiding me. Good to know you weren't doing that." Damnit. Jess huffed out a noise of annoyance and shifted from foot to foot, itching to stay active and trying to figure out how to best avoid truth spilling here in a public space. She was failing fast. It wasn’t like her to be anything but blunt. “I didn’t really want to see you start setting up shop with potential new girlfriend in an underground bunker while the apocalypse is happening, I’d say sue me but Jennifer wouldn’t take your case against me.” There. There it was, said more clearly than she would have with anyone else. Clint made a face and shifted so he could lean against the wall. "Potential new… what? Who?" he asked. He lightly touched his left hearing aid to adjust it, because those were a lot of long words at once that he was only half certain about. "Girlfriend?" He looked genuinely baffled, trying to piece that together. "Who, Jo? You mean Jo? I shot some arrows with her, we're not shacking up. Wow." “Oh, my god.” Jess rubbed her hand against her forehead, and ducked her face down so he couldn’t see it. She wasn’t speaking, at least, but she was definitely blushing, and definitely ready to just climb under the nearest rock and die. Not only was she expertly embarrassing herself, but owing up to the fact that maybe she wasn’t as “it’s not my business” as she’d tried to pass off before. Crap crap crap. Lifting her head up so he could clearly see her lips, but avoiding his eyes, Jess sighed. “Meeting. I have a meeting. I’m gonna go now.” Clint noticed that Jess was good about making sure he could see her mouth. It was funny — most people forgot, most people turned away and kept on talking, or they assumed that the hearing aids were foolproof. They'd gone for years with Clint being able to hear, and now he couldn't, and it was an adjustment for everyone. More often than not, people forgot, or they just didn't bother to be careful. But Jess was always careful. Huh. Kinda funny. He cracked a smile, one of those infuriating shit-eating grins that she either loved or hated depending on her mood with him that day. "Are you jealous...? Are you futzing jealous right now?" Right now, she hated. Ooooh, she hated. Hated because those damn grins reminded her of when they were happy and would ignore responsibilities for entire weekends to stay in bed, or when they’d skip town to do something stupid in Atlantic City. Or fighting together and winning. The winning kinds of grins that she had downright adored. Now they just hurt. Made her stomach fall a little and her heart seize up. So she set her jaw in a firm line and answered his grin with a glare. “I didn’t exactly want to break up, Clint. It wasn’t that long ago.” Oh. Yeah. Yeah, he was kind of an asshole. They'd only broken up because Clint had cheated on her and slept with someone else, and it was recent enough that he wasn't totally sure where they stood in all of this. Exes, definitely. He'd messed up. He still loved her, but he'd messed up. Joking about it and making fun of her was bad. He realized that a little too late, and he looked like a puppy who'd just been smacked on the nose. "Aw, man." He looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, but you're over me, so…?" “You’re an idiot.” It wasn’t clear if she was talking to herself or to Clint, really. Both of them were idiots. Clint usually won the award in that department, but Jess was never very good at keeping things level on her end, either. And overreacting about Clint flirting with Jo? Definitely idiotic. “I’m-” There was no way in hell she was admitting to feelings still being there, not when even if she still had feelings, she didn’t want to project them towards Clint. “I don’t know what I am, but I wasn’t cool with it, and that’s on me. Not on you. You can do whatever you want, Clint.” "Permission? Awesome." Maybe he would sleep with Jo. He didn't think so; she was young, she was cute, but that kind of meant she was too young and too cute. He'd officially crossed the threshold were while he could appreciate the ass of a hot twentysomething girl, he definitely felt bad about actively going after one. Aw. He was old, now. He found he was looking at her, watching her for a little too long. "I miss you," he blurted out. Damn it. Jess wrinkled her nose at him. “Like you needed permission before.” It was a snarky response said in the heat of the moment, and she instantly regretted it. They’d done this a half dozen times, hashed it out. She couldn’t make him keep paying for it, as much as sometimes she wanted to. She took a step forward, and then back again, sure that the regret was plain as day on her face. “Sorry that was-” She shook her head, not bothering to finish the apology he already knew the ending to. “You shouldn’t. We shouldn’t miss each other at all. It’s just- It was bad.” "No, it wasn't," said Clint. He always spoke a little louder than he used to. He wasn't good at regulating the sound of his voice, but it still came out soft. "It wasn't bad. It wasn't all bad, anyway. I messed up, and that sucks, and we fought a lot, and that sucks, but it didn't always suck." It had been really good, sometimes. It had been so good that Clint had been terrified of the idea of wanting more. He knew he was a screwup, he knew he messed up relationships, and he ended up sabotaging this one like a self-fulfilling prophecy. "If it sucked, then breaking up wouldn't hurt, and you wouldn't be jealous." He wasn't trying to corner her into admitting she had feelings these days, but he didn't want her disparaging the entire relationship just because he'd been a dummy and screwed things so badly, or because they'd fought and she'd slapped him. "So … yeah. I miss you," he said reluctantly. He was right, of course he was right. Clint usually was, when he wasn’t being a complete idiot. She’d loved a great deal of them and how they got to be with each other when it was all fun and games. But it hurt less when she convinced herself that it sucked. She moved to the side and let her body lean on the wall next to him. “No, it wasn’t.” She could give him that, at least. “It only sucked like, ten percent of the time. But-” Jess shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest in a somewhat protective move, reaffirming her bubble. “I’m not good for serious relationships either. I’m just as much of a fuck up. I just thought that maybe, for once, I’d be wrong and we would’ve been the exception.” Clint was watching her mouth, doing his best to follow her. That, and he liked her mouth. "Fucked-up people make fucked-up relationships," he said. "But …" What was he supposed to say? That he still loved her? That he wanted to give it another shot? He wasn't ready to be torn down again. Putting himself out there definitely meant being prepared for her to tell him he was a loser who wasn't worth being with. He knew he'd messed up, and it wasn't worth it to act like he hadn't or to ask for her back. She'd already more or less forgiven him, but that didn't mean she wanted to try again. “Ain’t that the truth.” Jess snorted in return, but raised her eyebrows at his but. She could guess what he was going to ask there but Jess was wrong more often than not. Clint was fond of surprising her, which… wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Usually he surprised her in a good way, though that meant she was often underestimating him. “But…. It definitely wasn’t all bad. Even for our fucked-up-ness. And look-” Jess scrubbed a hand over her face quickly, trying to shake away some of the lingering embarrassment. “Sorry I avoided you. And acted like a kid. And sorry I’m jealous. My bundle of bad crap is boiling over, and I definitely was just assuming you were banging the younger, hotter spunky girl.” God, she hated apologies. "Hotter than who?" Clint asked, raising an eyebrow. "Hotter than you?" He started to grin, and then he started to laugh. Seriously? Jo was hot. Jo was so hot, but when it came to a hotness scale, Jessica was kind of at the top of the scale and everyone else was trying to live up to her. (Also at the top of the hotness scale was Natasha. And Bobbi, like five years ago. And Cindy Crawford circa 1992.) Reaching out, Jess pushed at his shoulder firmly. Not a smack, she was careful about that now, since the time she’d gone too far out of anger. But it was a nudge, enough to show that she was getting progressively more annoyed with his response. Even if it was flattering. But damnit, she didn’t need flattering. … Usually. “Oh no no no, we’re not doing that, cowboy. No building my esteem at the expense of others and ruining my apology. That wasn’t the point.” "No. No, no, I know. You're sorry. You got jealous. You admit that you got jealous." Clint gave her a little nudge back. "And you acted like a kid and avoided me. You know what, I'm going to accept that apology." There, it was that easy. No harm done. He smiled and tucked his hands into his pockets. "We cool?" “This is why I denied it before. Cause you’re never going to let it go, ass.” This time, she couldn’t help it. Her grumble was followed with a smirk. A stupid, kind-of-totally-lovesick smirk. The kind of smirk that Carol would have smacked her for, back when things were a little simpler and she had only been interested in Clint. Trying to move past that thought, she crossed her arms over her chest and gave him her best bored look. “We’re cool. But now I’ve missed my very important meeting.” Clint's smile was crooked. He turned to face her fully. "I'm sorry," he lied. "Really, I am." And then he made a terrible decision. It wasn't really a decision so much as a thing that happened, a thing he did because the moment felt good, because he felt like something had settled between him and Jess and maybe he could get away with it. — Honestly, that was putting too much thought into it, because Clint didn't really put any thought into it. He just leaned in a little more, with that little smirk of a smile, and he said: "Lemme make it up to you." And that sounded fine in and of itself, but it was accompanied with that lean in and what could have easily become a kiss. She almost, almost didn’t resist. Jess even found herself unconsciously leaning in to meet him half way. But then she caught herself, stopped her momentum with a hand on his chest, fingers curling in towards him. Closing her eyes, she ducked her head down. Knowing he wouldn’t have known what she was saying if she spoke like that, she just shook her head slowly. Damn him. It would’ve been so easy to just slip back into the familiarity of his arms and drag him off to her room. But that was the choice past-Jess would’ve made, not the new, grown-up Jess. Ha. New Jess. Still, it was- God it was tempting, but nowhere near what was healthy for either of them. Lifting her head back up, she met his gaze with a little restraint, because knowing that looking into his eyes was just going to decrease her willpower. “If you want to make it up to me, you can earn my trust back first, Cowboy.” She was killing him. Ugh. She was right, but she was definitely killing him. Clint bit his lip and leaned back, chuckling quietly to himself. He hadn't wanted to lose her, either, and that meant that despite all the crap they went through, and all of their fighting, Clint wasn't over her, and she didn't seem completely over him, either. But he was an adult. He was a grown ass man, he could be an adult around her and be friendly with her without flirting shamelessly or giving her reasons to be mad at him. "You said 'first'," he said, tapping his finger to his lips. "I saw that. You said first. That means I might get to kiss you later." It sounded like he wasn't taking her seriously, but he was. He just sucked at the serious stuff. “Ugh.” She pushed at his shoulder, and took a step back, out of his close quarters eye-fucking range. Those eyes and those lips and that face of his were just dangerous. “Not unless you show you actually want to kiss me and only me.” That was a heavy request, and she knew it. Damn it, she knew it. But Carol had convinced her she needed to be firm with what she needed, and the last few months of their relationship had proved that Jess needed to know she was it. “I just want honesty, Clint. And I’m resolving right here, right now, to not harp on that or ask again. But I need to work on me and you need to work on you and I need you to work on you before any of-” She violently pointed her finger between the two of them. “this stands a chance. I can’t do that again.” Clint fidgeted a little. "No, yeah, you're right," he said. He knew he was missing words from what she was saying, but he got the important ones. Honesty. Work on you. This stands a chance. He tried not to joke. He tried not to say anything flippant. He was never an asshat on purpose, and she needed to see that he was taking her seriously right now. "But if …" Hm. He lifted his hands, working through a couple of signs like he was trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to say in advance. "But if this does stand a chance, if you decide that it does, then … you come get me," he said. "I'm not gonna keep leaning in and asking if we're good yet." It was probably the most awkward thing she’d ever done in the whole of her existence but Jess nodded firmly and shoved her hand out for a handshake between the two of them. “Deal.” Oh god, that was- wow, that was bad. She instantly winced and looked down at her hand. “I’m never going to be normal and now I’m pretty sure I need to punch something. This is too fucking adult for me.” Clint took her hand anyway, and he gave it a firm shake. "Congrats, Jess, we did something grown up and mature. We handled this like adults. We didn't have bad-idea sex." “That may possibly be a first for us. I’m gonna go before it turns into bad-idea sex from all the touching… and stuff.” Because yeah, even touching his hand was enough to make the hair on her body stand up at attention. She had a problem. She slipped her hand out of his and poked him in the chest. “Bad idea sex with other people voids the warranty. Got it?” Even as she started stepping away from him, she knew just how much she asked right at that moment. For both of them, really, because they were both terrible at going without bedroom action. … This was going to blow up in her face. "Yeah," Clint said immediately. "Yeah, I got it." He nodded and offered her a thumbs up. Then he stopped and thought about it. No sex. No sex with someone who wasn't Jess — only Jess wasn't down for having sex. It wasn't that Clint couldn't live without sex, but he was putting his sex life into Jess's hands and telling her that he'd wait for her. He'd wait indefinitely for her. He would, right? He was an adult, he didn't need random one-night stands when he really just wanted Jess. Crap. This was maybe the third worst idea he'd gone along with today. |