Entry tags:

goku/sanzo, saiyuki

[Fic] Grasping At Sunlight, Part Two
Title: Grasping At Sunlight, Part Two
Author: Shirahime
Pairing: Seiten Taisei/Sanzo, Goku/Sanzo
Rating: NC-17 overall
Warnings: dubious consent, violence
Summary: A story wherein Goku struggles with his feelings, and he and his keeper deal with the aftermath. No spoilers.



Part Two


The subsequent drive to the next town was made mostly in strained silence. Hakkai would periodically glance over at the disheveled monk in the front seat with him. There were no injuries that his green eyes could see, and none that the monk would tell him about in places that his vision couldn’t reach. The still unconscious Goku was sprawled in the back seat, laying partly on Gojyo who didn’t seem to mind. Sanzo was strangely silent, his gaze held by the passing scenery to the side, his rolled sutra clutched in one hand. Gojyo caught Hakkai’s eye in the rearview mirror, his expression grim. If Sanzo thought that the pair didn’t have an idea as to what might have happened, he’d forgotten about the heightened senses of demons. The smell of sex that clung to the monk’s soiled robes was unmistakable to the redhead. Was the sight of what Sanzo refused to talk about what had made Goku revert to his true form?

The innkeeper at their destination tried not to look too surprised when he took in the appearance of the members of the group. Sanzo rented four single rooms despite Hakkai’s look of protest, though he didn’t voice it. The monk needed his solitude for now away from the well-meaning coddling that he was sure to face if he roomed with Hakkai, not to mention the urging to take him up on the offer of a sympathetic ear.

Turning from the others as they went to settle Goku into his room, Sanzo closed the door to his room behind him. He placed his sutra on the nightstand and grasped the folded robe that was lying on the bed, feeling the soft pale fabric. He was surprised to hear a knock at the door. Opening it, he looked into Hakkai’s mask of pleasantness that was surely hiding concern beneath.

“Goku should be awake soon, judging from the last time that this happened,” Hakkai told him as he entered the room, green eyes gentle but intense.

“Yes,” Sanzo agreed simply.

“Do you want me to launder those for you while you get cleaned up?” Hakkai asked, indicating the monk’s soiled clothing.

Sanzo looked down at himself. “I suppose so, if you want.” Hakkai turned his back so that the monk could peel off the items, tossing them to the floor and sliding the warm robe over his skin. Hakkai turned around at the sound of soft footsteps approaching him, Sanzo placing the bundle of clothing into his arms.

“If you need anything…” Hakkai started to say.

“I know,” Sanzo answered. Hakkai nodded, closing the door behind him.

Sanzo padded over to the bathroom. It was small, but it had a reasonably sized tub, which was all the monk cared about right now. He cut on the faucet, steam rising up as heated water flowed to fill the structure. After hanging his robe up on the back of the door, Sanzo settled himself in the tub gingerly. He sighed heavily as the warmth from the water seemed to seep into his aching muscles, soothing the soreness found there.

Sanzo picked up the bar of soap, lathering a cloth before beginning to cleanse himself. For some reason, his mind drifted back to the time when he’d first brought Goku back to Chang’an. He had given him a bath in a tub much like this one. Goku had seemed to marvel at the sensation of Sanzo’s hands on his skin and the bubbles that drifted up as he splashed in the water. Sanzo had scolded him for getting his robes wet, his heart beating faster as golden eyes gazed up into his. The sight of water trickling down Goku’s youthful body had his chest feeling tight and his blood pounding in his veins. Goku had asked the monk why his face had suddenly gotten so red and his breathing so deep. Sanzo had delivered the first of many cuffs to Goku’s head, telling him to mind his own business. So old, yet still so young. He wouldn’t have even understood the thoughts that had raced through Sanzo’s mind then, even if he’d been privy to them.

Despite whatever crimes Goku had been imprisoned for, despite what troubles and pain he saw on their journey from day to day, he managed to somehow hold onto that strange innocence that Sanzo had always felt drawn to. Those large golden eyes had always gazed up at the blonde with trust and devotion, such things that he hardly felt worthy of. Goku would do anything to please him. Sanzo knew this, knew that he had only to ask, and Goku would grant him whatever he desired from him. How many times had Sanzo looked into that innocent face and been tempted to ask him to do things that a monk had no business even knowing about?

Sanzo rested his head against the back of the tub, staring up at the ceiling. Despite how much he longed for his charge, the words he wanted to speak to him never seemed to be able to form on his tongue. Sanzo frowned at himself. The words always died on his lips because he knew that Goku deserved better than him, deserved more than what Sanzo dreamed about sometimes when he was alone in the night. On those nights where in a world of his own making, he could drink in that alluring innocence as Goku writhed beneath him, golden eyes glazed over in pleasure delivered at the monk’s hands, voice moaning his name in a plea.

But as reality would have it, the shoe had been placed on the other foot, and Sanzo had gazed into hungry eyes as demanding hands pushed up his robes and spread his thighs. He shivered at the memory of the word “mine” growled low into his ear before the shell of it was laved by a warm tongue, spoken almost as if it were a name, the only name that he needed. The remembered sensation of claws pricking his backside made Sanzo tremble, as well as the memory of the length that had pushed up into him, sliding against something that had his back arching and caused guttural sounds to be uttered through gritted teeth. He’d pulled restlessly at his bindings, the ropes chaffing his wrists, trying to free himself yet not really wanting to.

Sanzo flushed, ashamed as his hand slipped down beneath the water to encircle his hardening erection. He was embarrassed by longing for more of the harsh possession that had left his body sore and a fire burning in the pit of his gut. But he knew better than to wish for it. If the situation were like the last time Goku had removed his limiter, he wouldn’t even remember what had occurred. So there was no need to let him find out about it. Sanzo would protect the innocence that he adored in Goku for as long as he could. He smiled bitterly as he worked his hand in earnest, the water rippling in the tub from his motions. Sanzo knew that moments like this where he pleasured himself to the tune of sordid memories would probably become frequent. He shuddered as he brought himself over the edge, his essence dissipating in the warm water.

______________________________________________


It was only in dreams that Goku could ever remember the things that he’d done as his true self. Perhaps this was how his mind protected itself from the knowledge of what he was truly capable of. This time was no different as he lay in bed in the corner of the rented room, two of his companions holding vigil beside him.

He had taken joy in killing the trio that he’d found there, having following the siren’s song of the monk’s scent through the corridors. He could sense the frightened relief from the blonde as he did so, wide violet eyes watching his movements. Then fear and a strange excitement as Goku stood before him, leaning down to taste the blood staining pale skin. Then a mild struggle as he pushed up bloodied robes to spread creamy thighs. Goku had leaned down to lave him intimately, making the blonde writhe as he was held open and tasted. Then there was Sanzo’s choked and questioning groan as Goku rose from tasting to press inside.

The man could make such beautiful sounds, groaning so prettily, the soft cries that he made spurring Goku on. He heard Sanzo hiss as claws pierced the flesh where he held the monk, whether it was in pain, pleasure, or both he couldn’t know.

The movement of the blonde’s body as Goku possessed him had thrilled him. The sight of the monk bending backward as he pulled and flexed his restrained arms, his mouth open in a harsh cry. The way that Sanzo’s brows knitted together as he drew his knees up, twisting restlessly against the wall and in Goku’s arms. He’d fisted blonde locks with one hand, pulling sideways to expose the column of the monk’s throat as he hissed. He lapped at Sanzo’s pale throat, worrying the skin there with sharp teeth that grazed but didn’t break fragile flesh.

It wasn’t long before Goku found the monk pushing back against his upward thrusts, violet eyes burning into his, confusion and lust warring within them. There was the groan of his name, and then long legs were wrapping around Goku’s waist and he was leaning forward to lap at soft lips before plunging inside to taste, to swirl a tongue around the monk’s own.

Soon, Sanzo broke the kiss to wail, the muscles of his body pulled taut. Goku felt warmth splashing between them as he continued to thrust, stiffening as he pulsed deep within Sanzo’s body. He looked into the panting blonde’s face, before casting his gaze over his shoulder at those who had dared to intrude, to try to take what was his…

______________________________________________


Goku woke with a start, sitting up in bed suddenly. His heart pounded. He couldn’t really remember his dream, except for the sight of violet eyes hovering before him, and the scent of fear and something else that he couldn’t quite place. Had something happened to Sanzo?

Hakkai and Gojyo were soon at his side. “Goku,” Hakkai asked, “How are you feeling?”

Goku trained worried eyes up into green. “Where’s Sanzo? Did something happen to him?”

“No,” he replied, glancing over at Gojyo. “He’s fine, just taking a shower in his room. Is it that you remembered something?”

Goku frowned, looking at the hands clasped in his lap. “No, I just… no, it was just a feeling…”

Gojyo put a hand on Goku’s shoulder. “Well, I sure wouldn’t want to be you right now,” he said, smirking. “Your master is definitely going to give you quite a beating for losing that limiter…”

“I didn’t lose it!” Goku insisted. “I took it off, but only so that… I had to defeat that demon king and find Sanzo! I just knew that something bad was about to happen…”

Hakkai moved to sit next to Goku, drawing his attention. “Goku, Gojyo is just teasing you. I’m sure that Sanzo will understand why you did it. Besides, you saved us a lot of trouble by defeating all those demons by yourself. We hardly had to do anything.”

Goku looked at Hakkai’s bandaged arm, his brows knitting together. “Did I do that to you?” he asked quietly. He suddenly had the fleeting vision of seeing Hakkai through an angry haze, his urge to kill rising.

“It’s nothing,” Hakkai insisted, smiling as he patted Goku’s shoulder with his hand. “I hardly even felt it.”

“Sorry,” Goku said, dejected.

The sound of the door opening drew the three’s attention toward the entrance. Sanzo appeared in the doorway, clad only in his jeans. He leaned against the doorframe for a moment, eying them before moving further into the room.

“You’re looking more refreshed, Sanzo,” Hakkai noted with a smile as he looked over at his approaching form.

“Yeah, less like something that washed up on a shore somewhere,” Gojyo added.

“Keep talking if you don’t enjoy living anymore,” Sanzo urged him. “I can solve your problem for you.”

Gojyo turned to Hakkai. “See, I told you that there was nothing to worry about.”

Hakkai shook his head at his friend before rising from the bed and turning to Sanzo. “I think I’ll get Goku something to eat. He looks hungry.”

“I’ll come with you,” Gojyo told Hakkai as he followed him out the door, casting a glance at the monk as he exited.

And then keeper and charge were alone, Goku staring at the hands folded in his lap before looking up at the monk.

“You’re okay,” Goku noted, relieved but still wearing a worried expression. “I was afraid that something had happened to you…”

“Do I look injured?” Sanzo asked. “I’m not that easy to kill, so you shouldn’t have worried about it.” He frowned. “Or done what you did.”

Goku’s shoulders drooped, aware that the monk was referring to removing his limiter. “I’m sorry, Sanzo. I didn’t know what else to do. I even hurt Hakkai. I could have hurt everyone.” He raised glistening golden eyes to regard his keeper. “I know that I shouldn’t have, but-”

“Don’t worry about it now,” Sanzo interrupted, moving to place a hand on the top of Goku’s head. He ruffled unruly hair as Goku sighed at the motion. “I can take care of myself. And you can’t expect me to keep making a new limiter every time you lose one.”

Goku smiled slightly as he gazed up at the monk, glad of the rare affectionate touch that he’d just been bestowed. “Okay.”

He watched as the monk took a seat in a nearby chair, opening a pack of cigarettes to place one between his lips. A feeling of dread continued to nag at Goku. “Sanzo,” he asked the monk, “did anything else happen that Gojyo and Hakkai didn’t tell me about? I don’t really remember well…”

Sanzo regarded him through the haze of his cigarette smoke. “No,” he answered. “You took care of most of the demons in the palace. That’s all.”

The strange way that the monk eyed him made Goku think otherwise. “Oh, okay,” he said quietly. But the memory of what had to have been Sanzo’s wide violet eyes staring into his still haunted him.

______________________________________________


The following morning, things seemed to be mostly back to normal. Goku was ravenous as always at breakfast, and Sanzo appeared to nearly be back to his usual disgruntled self. Hakkai did find the way that the monk watched his charge to be different than usual, almost as though he was mulling something over in his mind as he gazed at him. However, Goku failed to notice.

After their meal, the group of four walked through the town’s marketplace, Sanzo and Goku several feet ahead while Hakkai and Gojyo trailed behind. Gojyo noticed the way that Hakkai was watching the pair ahead of them. “Don’t be so troubled about everything,” he told his friend. “You can’t expect a man like Sanzo to open up about something like this. And asking him about what happened is likely to make him bite anyone’s head off, maybe even yours.”

“I know,” Hakkai answered, frowning slightly. “It’s just that… maybe it’s nothing.” His mind kept going back to when they had faced the seiten taisei. But what bothered him about it was that, unlike the previous time when Goku had removed his limiter and had turned to attack them indiscriminately, this time Goku had specifically targeted him. It was an attack that seemed to Hakkai to be made more of rage than the joy of violence that Goku had demonstrated previously in his true form. It was almost as if Goku had seen him as some sort of threat. ‘Mine!’ he’d shouted, almost as if he were demanding back what he thought Hakkai was trying to steal from him. He could be wrong, but perhaps that feeling had motivated Goku to fight and kill the demons whose bodies they had seen in that room. And perhaps this is what made Sanzo so reluctant to tell them anything about the situation.

Hakkai looked up again at the pair ahead. He watched as Goku tugged on Sanzo’s robes, hoping to go in the direction of a confectioner’s shop to their left, the monk swatting at his head with his fan. Hakkai’s frown deepened. But if what he’d suspected were actually the case, would Sanzo still behave as he usually did toward Goku, displaying the mild violence that passed for affection with the monk?

A harsh cry was heard ahead of them, and townspeople began to flee in all directions. The crumpled form of a woman lay on the ground, bleeding, while nearby there stood several demons, all fully armed.

A raven-haired one stepped forward, brandishing his weapon. “We’ve finally tracked you down, Sanzo party! You’ll pay for decimating our clan, and killing our great leader. Prepare yourselves!”

Moments later, the demons set upon them. The four men met them with their usual efficiency, most of the creatures being no match for them.

A silver-haired demon swung his sword in a downward arc toward Goku, who blocked it with his staff. The demon pressed the blade downward, trying to make it connect as Goku resisted the motion.

The demon laughed. “I’m surprised that you have the nerve to show your face after what you did,” he told Goku. “Isn’t defiling a monk a crime or something?”

Goku pushed the demon back, taking up a defensive stance. “What are you talking about?”

The demon’s humor seemed to grow as much as Goku’s anger did. “You mean that you honestly can’t remember? If I’d tasted something as exquisite as that blonde, I’d never be able to forget!”

Goku lunged at the demon, who blocked his move and then leapt away. The unsettling feeling that he’d had previously was back to nag at Goku’s consciousness. “What do you mean? You’d better start making sense!”

“Imagine how surprised my comrades and I were to walk into that room and see you plowing that monk as our friends lay dead on the floor,” the demon told him. “I guess that’s why you killed them. You didn’t want to share…”

“Liar!” Goku shouted, rushing at the demon to strike. Due to his agitation making him erratic, the demon was able to counter the move.

The demon smirked, enjoying Goku’s rising anxiety. “I guess I should have expected a monk to be so forgiving, even of something like this. But when I think about how he was writhing so shamelessly against the wall, maybe it’s just that he’s a pervert who likes it rough. Or maybe, you were good at training him to.”

“No,” Goku said, pained. Tears stung his eyes. “I’d never…”

The creature grinned darkly at him. “The things that you were able to do to someone you should want to protect. I guess that I shouldn’t expect a monster like you to understand anything about friendship or loyalty.”

Goku dropped to his knees, his hands balled into tight fists, his body shaking with emotion. Moisture burned his eyes and clouded his vision. That is what those fleeting visions had to mean. This demon had seen it, had watched what he’d done. Goku opened his hands to stare down at them through his clouded vision. With these hands, he had wanted to protect the monk, but instead… Goku buried his face in them as the memory of Sanzo’s wide and questioning eyes assaulted him, at the sight of him arching his back and groaning, a grimace on his face. It seemed impossible, and yet, this was what had happened, what he’d done.

The demon hovered over Goku’s kneeling form, raising his weapon to strike. “I’ll put you out of your misery.” Just then, he felt cold steel against his temple and heard the cocking of a gun. He cut his widening eyes to look down its barrel at the monk who wielded it.

“Fools like you,” Sanzo told him angrily, “should hold their tongues.” He pulled the trigger, listening to the demon’s echoing cry as he disintegrated. He gazed down at Goku’s kneeling form, wanting to reach out to him, but preventing himself from doing so. “Hey, what are you listening to garbage for, especially in the middle of a fight?”

Sanzo was taken aback by the stricken expression on Goku’s face as he turned to train tear-filled eyes up at him. “I can’t stay at your side, not after what I’ve done…”

The monk frowned down at him, anxious despite his expression. “You didn’t do anything-”

“You don’t have to lie to spare me. I don’t deserve it.” Then Goku rose to take off in the opposite direction, not knowing where it was that he was going, or what he would do upon arriving. He heard Sanzo call out to him, the sound getting more distant the further that he ran, but he couldn’t stay. He didn’t deserve to bask in the sun.


To be continued