Bai Gui Hun (ferry_woman) wrote in supernextdoor, @ 2012-07-08 16:58:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | 10.16.11, bai, bai and lucien, lucien |
It Can Be Simple
Who: Bai and Lucien
What: Not making a choice
When: 10.16 - Sunday, just before dawn
Where: Bai's home
Warnings: None
Lucien hadn't spent much time away from Bai. He'd left Philippe to sleep for the day and headed over to Bai's house. He needed to speak with the woman, needed to see her face and hear her voice. He knew that Philippe and Bai would likely both want him to make some sort of choice, or at least that was what he felt, but he knew that he'd be unable to do such a thing. He loved them both. He realized that now. For very different reasons. Bai he loved for her level headedness. Philippe he loved for the romance of it all. He wanted them both. He needed the both of them. He just didn't know how to beg the both of them to be accepting of his feelings. He'd heard that you could love two people at once and technically he had when he was with Juliette because of his feelings for Philippe, but now he knew that it was possible. He loved them both.
He parked his car and headed up the walk to the woman's house, knocking on her door and waiting patiently for her to answer. He wasn't really sure what to say to her, but he wanted to say something. To hold her for a little while. To touch her, to stroke her hair, to beg her not to disown him for his feelings for Philippe. He might not have been human any longer, but he still had plenty of human feelings. Human needs. And human love. That he had in spades.
Bai knew Lucien would come eventually. He would not leave her without an answer, even if it was not the one she wanted to hear. The one she expected to hear. From everything he had told her about Philippe, from what her spies had told her about the man, there was no question in her mind what the answer would be. She'd given Lucien privacy, told the ghosts not to listen in on his confrontation with Philippe about his feelings for the other vampire.
This close to dawn, she was getting ready for bed. Bai had long ago accepted being a creature of the night. While she possessed a sun ring, she only used it when it was necessary. The rest of the time, she was content to be nocturnal, as was her nature as a vampire. She was sitting at her vanity, carefully plaiting her long white hair so it wouldn't become hopelessly tangled when she was sleeping. One of her ghosts warned Bai of his approach, but she didn't hurry. She was hardly dressed for receiving a visitor, but she didn't expect Lucien to desire to stay long. He was merely paying her a courtesy and the hour was very early. Pulling on a sleeveless robe over her long white nightgown, she stepped out into the parlor. "Nihao, Lucien," she greeted softly.
Lucien looked over the woman, eyes drawing her in as a thirsty man would a drink of cool water. "I'm sorry to have come so late," he told her honestly. "But I had to see you." For several reasons. "I'd like for us to speak for a while. I have much to tell you." He intended to be honest with Bai about his feelings. He just hoped that she'd accept them all. He really wasn't expecting she would, however, since he thought he was being quite selfish personally. Either way, he needed to speak with her, let everything out in the open. He was still dealing with his own feelings, but it wasn't fair to leave Bai in the dark.
"Of course," she agreed, her spirits bolstered by his hungry look, but he still kept his distance. Bai forced herself not to make assumptions. Or more, any more assumptions than she could manage. "Come into the parlor. I will prepare us some tea." It was calming, soothing, the ritual of it. It would allow her to maintain her usual calm. She could not let her feelings bias Lucien's words or make this any more difficult for him than it was.
The water was hot very soon and Bai carried the tray into the parlor. She forced her face into its usual neutral, serene expression. Settling down on the sofa, she poured them both cups, preparing his how he liked it. She didn't make any demands. Gave him a chance to order his thoughts and things. And to order her own and keep her emotions suppressed.
He was grateful for the moments that she gave him to sort his thoughts. He needed that time more than he realized. But even with the added moments of silence to sort through what he needed to say, the feelings he felt, he wasn't really sure how to begin. He decided that it was best to be upfront about his feelings, all of them, and let her make her own decision on where they'd go from here. He had no expectations as he opened his mouth and began to speak.
"I want to be honest with you," he told her. "About everything, from start to finish. And I want you to make your own decisions based on what I have to say. There will be no hard feelings, no upset... well, there'll be upset, but it can be dealt with. Regardless, I want you to know that I love you, Bai. I also want you to know that I love Philippe as well. I want to be selfish and be with the pair of you but I know that likely that isn't something that I can logically ask the two of you to be okay with," he sighed. Taking a sip from his tea, he then sat the cup aside and looked over at the woman. "The two of you are nothing alike," he told her. "Physically or emotionally. I love you for entirely different reasons. You satisfy me in entirely different ways. Choosing between you is impossible."
That had not been what she was expecting. "I don't recall ever demanding you must do so," she reminded him. "And I doubt Philippe would either, considering what you told me of him. What did he say when you told him this?" While Bai had no objections herself, she was concerned Lucien couldn't handle the feeling of his heart being divided between two lovers. "It is hardly selfish," she added. "I do not think it so." Sharing him wasn't an issue for her so much as if he could let go of his own notions and accept the situation. That was something Lucien was not very good at.
"I haven't told him in so many words," he told her with a sigh, leaning back a little as he looked over her. "It wouldn't be the first time that he's shared a lover," he admitted. "But it would be the first time that he shared me personally as a lover." He was surprised, honestly, that she wasn't objecting to the situation. She was right when she said that she'd never demanded that he must make a choice, but he'd assumed. Assuming in the wrong direction, quite obviously. Lucien knew that his own feelings about the situation could get in the way. His projections of how his lovers might be silently feeling would likely be his own undoing, but he couldn't be bothered to think of that now. Lucien was the sort of man that was all or nothing. Could he be a partial lover with the both of them? He was unsure. That didn't, however, mean that he didn't want to try. "You'd not be unhappy with sharing me?" he asked her. "You'd not feel slighted or angry towards Philippe?"
Yes, the problem was all in Lucien's head. And heart. Which Bai was more concerned about. She took a deep, useless breath before responding, just to keep her composure. "My choice in this is simple," she explained. "I am more than content to share you if it means not losing you entirely. Which is how it would be if I was not. I told you, you are very easy to love and very hard to give up. So no, I do not mind, nor am I angry at either of you. It is simply what it is." She shouldn't have said all of that, Lucien had a bad habit of reading into her words more than she intended. But it was say too much or break her composure. Then he would truly be hurt and assume the worst.
He did have a very bad habit of reading too deeply. Picking apart the phrases, the syllables, the words into letters. Individual pieces. Nitpicking to try and find what she was really meaning underneath all the things that she actually said. It was damn near a craft at this point in his life. Was she really content to share or was she just saying that because she didn't want to lose him entirely? He sighed a little and shook his head. "That's not really a choice," he told her. "I feel like I'm forcing you to sacrifice your happiness or comply with what I would like to have."
Bai shook her head, letting out a soft, laugh. "Lucien, I was expecting you to come here and apologize because you'd finally gotten the lover you'd wanted for decades and would no longer be mine," she told him, taking a sip of her tea to wash down the tears threatening to form. "This is an infinity more desirable turn of events." Which was the truth. "Life is full of choices none of us wish to make. Choosing between burning in the hells for eternity or serving on Earth for centuries was hardly a choice either. I do not regret the choice I made then. This situation is the same. It is not ideal. But it is what it is and it not the worst possible outcome by far."
"Why would I have done such a thing when those very words are true of you?" he questioned her. He'd wanted her for decades, for a variety of reasons. It had been the same longing that he'd had for Philippe. And he'd gotten what he'd wanted from the both of them, finally, but at the same time which was what made the situation so difficult. He wanted to make them both his everything but he wasn't quite sure how to make either one of them fully happy without hurting the other. Caught between a rock and a hard place, he wasn't sure which way to go. "I do not wish to give you up," he told her. "As a confidant, a friend, nor as a lover."
The look of utter disbelief she gave him was probably not one he'd ever seen on her face. Bai did not surprise easily, and when she was shocked, she didn't show it. "Please, Lucien," she scoffed, shaking her head. "You've loved him for centuries. He's the one that got away. Repeatedly. He has become an unattainable goal for you. Forbidden fruit. It's part of the reason you're so very confused. Because you finally have everything you want, and have no idea what to do. There is no choice for me. Or for Philippe. We are getting what we want in the deal. You. You are the one who seems to believe that is not enough." She gave him a pointed look. "You were never in any danger of losing me, Lucien. It was more of a matter of you not desiring me anymore for me." Romantically, she couldn't compare to Philippe. He was beautiful, charming, romantic and debonair. She was none of those things. And Lucien had loved him longer. If it had come down to choosing between them as Lucien had seemed to think, she would have lost. It was that simple. So yes, this was a much more favorable outcome than she'd been expecting.
"I also thought that he was dead for the last several decades," he reminded her. "In that time you showed me that it was possible for me to love someone again. I pined for you in the same way that I had for him. But for different reasons. I was aching for someone to mend the heart that he'd broken by disappearing," he sighed. "And that is one thing that you've yet to do to me," he added. "He broke my heart by disappearing without another word and you have not done such a thing. You've never hurt me. Intentionally or otherwise." Which was all the more reason he couldn't fully choose Philippe. He'd been burned and he knew that Philippe was nomadic and liked to run. He'd always be fearful that the itch would return and the other man would want to leave and Lucien wouldn't have it in him to beg him otherwise.
Now he was being idealistic about her. Bai stood up, setting aside her cup. "I have," she pointed out. "I have always been careful of your feelings. But when I told you I would return to the cycle after my duty was fulfilled, it hurt you. Hurt you enough to make me reconsider it. So do not say I have never hurt you." It was unfair and untrue. Why she was defending this point, she had no idea. Perhaps it was just her nature that demanded things be looked at objectively. "He also never had known how you felt either. Did it ever occur to you he ran away repeatedly because he could not have what he desired most? Just like I pushed you away for twenty years because I was afraid I could not be what you desired? People do stupid things when they're in love."
He supposed that she was right, even if he wanted to pretend that her returning to the cycle hadn't hurt him. It had. Not because of her choice, but for his own selfish reasons. "I didn't want to lose you," he told her simply. "I still don't, but that's not my decision to make, nor do I think it's fair for my feelings to influence your decision." It was all very complicated. So much so that he wasn't even sure how to feel about the whole situation. "Leaving wasn't the problem," he sighed. "Philippe leaves all the time. He's a free spirit that likes to float about like a damned leaf on the wind, but he always calls. He always writes. He always makes contact with me and then he just didn't. For decades he just stopped. Disappeared and let me believe that he was dead. And I understand he was grieving. It doesn't, however, change the fact that all that time I grieved for him."
"Life is not fair, Lucien," Bai reminded him. "It is what it is. And yes, your feelings on the matter did affect my decision. Because when I made the decision before, I had no reason to believe there was any purpose for my continuing this existence when my duty was fulfilled. Things changed. Therefore, the path I will walk changed. I will leave this life when fate deems it is my time. However that comes to pass. That is how it is supposed to be. Leaving prematurely, even if my duty is complete, is unnatural. That is the way it is. I was following in my master's footsteps blindly. If you had not been so hurt, then I would not have opened my eyes and seen that. So stop saying such things do not matter, because they do." She wasn't even certain where she was going with this, but she felt she needed to clarify that. Because he was being foolish about it.
"Then you need to tell him this," she insisted. "Because it hurts you deeply, and will, like your feelings of love, do nothing but eat at you and make you hesitate to love him fully. That is why you are uncomfortable with the situation. Because you are still holding onto old and new hurts and until those are resolved, you cannot commit your heart completely. To either of us or both of us."
He knew he needed to tell Philippe how he felt, how much his disappearance had hurt him. How much it still hurt him. That didn't, however, mean that he was ready to rush off and do that right at that moment. He was worried that bringing it up, drudging up the past all over again, would do nothing but make things more complicated. He didn't want to push Philippe away, but he didn't want to hold him too tightly either. There were so many complicated feelings filling the man up that he doubted he'd ever be able to fully unwind all the threads.
He shook his head at her last few sentences and beckoned her to come sit with him. Pulling her into his lap, he drew his hand over her cheek and sighed. "No," he told her. "I am uncomfortable because I don't think I'll ever fully believe that I can convince you that I love you as much as I do while I'm with someone else." And that was what it really boiled down to. "I want you both. I love you both. I'm too selfish to choose between the two of you because I can't. Neither of you is greater than the other. He's my spoiled, flirty Frenchman that makes me jealous I believe on purpose just to get me angry and you... you're my delicate little China Doll who's not so delicate at all." It was hard to choose between those two when they were nothing alike.
Bai settled into his lap, shaking her head at him. "You are wrong, Lucien," she told him directly. "Neither of us doubt your love for us. What doubts I had have been eliminated. You are not hearing again, just listening. You are not being selfish. You have a rare opportunity here. You are too afraid of being left alone again, of giving too much of yourself and losing everything again. Especially with him. The only person who believes you need to choose between us is you. But in the end, that is the problem. Until you believe, truly believe this is how it is meant to be, then you will always feel torn." She sighed and shook her head. "You're making this far more complicated than it has to be, my love."
She was right, as she often was. Lucien knew this, whether he could admit it to himself or not. "I am afraid of being alone," he told her honestly. "I'm worried he'll leave again the moment I settle into all of this. I'm worried you'll change your mind and decide that falling back into the cycle is the right thing for you. I feel like I'm giving each of you half of my heart and hoping that I don't have to worry about those pieces being crushed," he muttered. And while he was trying desperately to think otherwise, he wasn't positive that he wouldn't be the one to get hurt in this position. "It's twice as difficult now as it has ever been because not only do I have one person that could rip me apart from the inside out, I have two. I'd be devastated by either. Even more so by both."
Bai sighed and shook her head. "You do not trust us," she told him. "Because of the past. You need to let it go, Lucien. The past is just that. While history will often repeat itself, change is also the only constant. Besides, you were the one who convinced me that love would not always end in disaster. You are not allowed to urge me to take a risk like that on you, only to not be as willing to take such a chance yourself. You are many things, Lucien, but a hypocrite is not one of them. Let go of your fear. Embrace the positive feelings. This will invite a positive outcome."
She was right, again. With her talking in riddles and fortune cookie-esque words. "I want to take a chance on you," he told her. "And I'm willing to. That doesn't, however, mean that I can just let go of my fears or worries. No, I'm not a hypocrite, but I am a worrier. Constant worrier really. At least I can accept that about myself," he shrugged. "I cannot promise you that I can throw my cares to the wind immediately, but I will try, Bai." That was really all he could do as of that moment. "Now, I believe that you should kiss me before I forget what your kisses taste like," he smiled. "I've been here far too long without a proper greeting."
"There is no try," she reminded him with a wry smile. "Only do." Yes, it was Star Wars quote, but it was also extremely true. "It takes time to learn, my love. A lifetime. I have faith in you. Especially as many lifetimes as you have to learn." She let out a soft chuckle. "You came to me," she reminded him as she leaned into kiss him deeply. "As always, anything you desire of me, you have but to come to me and ask. Something you'll learn as well."
He grinned at her as the kiss was broken, pulling back enough to look into the woman's eyes. "Well I hope that I have plenty of lifetimes left to learn all these things," he smiled. "I'm far too stubborn to give them up just yet." He fully intended to spend as much time with Bai - and with Philippe - for that matter as he could. He'd yet to work out just how he'd manage that. Perhaps he needed to watch that Sister Wives bullshit on the television again. Thank god he only had the two lovers.
Bai laughed softly, twining her fingers into his hair. "You have all the time you need," she assured him. "Especially as complicated as you make everything. That makes it take longer." Lucien needed to learn to relax and let go of things. She'd been trying to teach him that for twenty some years. He had resisted throughly thus far. But she had hope still. "It's nearly dawn." she reminded him. "Are you staying?"
"I'd like to stay," he told her with a little nod, brushing his thumb over the delicate curve of her cheek. "I've missed you," he admitted. That was perhaps the hardest part of having two lovers; missing one while you were with the other.
"Then you will stay," she declared. See? It could be that simple. "I missed you as well. Perhaps I might have to think about taking some rooms in your palace. Since you dislike being alone." She didn't want to presume. Bai wasn't exactly dead set against living with him. It had never come up before. But since Lucien was fussing about dividing himself between them. "Perhaps you would feel less torn if I wasn't so far away?" Anything to make this easier on him.
He liked the idea, he had to admit. He grinned perhaps a bit more brightly than he'd even intended to. "I'd like that," he told her honestly. "Having you close." He wasn't sure that she'd like hearing him when he was with Philippe or Philippe hearing him when he was with Bai, but thankfully that wouldn't be so much of a problem considering the fact that his room was in the basement and fairly soundproof.
"Then I shall move in," she said with a smile. "There is nothing here that cannot be moved into your home." She had a rather elaborate garden, but it could be recreated easily enough. Even expanded, considering how much larger Lucien's property was. She didn't care what he did with Philippe. What she knew of the man, she wasn't terribly interested in him herself. Perhaps that would change after she met him. "It will make it easier for you to find me when you have need of me," she pointed out with a smile. Because he would. Especially with all of the turmoil in his heart since Philippe's return.
"Wonderful," he murmured. He'd have his two loves close by. He was pleased with this fact and it showed on his face. "I will talk with Philippe tonight and let him know." Give him a bit of a warning and gauge the other man's reaction to the situation. He somehow didn't think that Philippe would pitch a fit, but he supposed he'd figure that out soon enough.
If the man objected, it would end badly. Bai didn't expect Philippe would. He had to be as curious about her as she was about him. "You need to talk to him about more than just me moving in," she reminded him. She was not trying to spoil the mood, but Lucien would put off that talk as long as possible. Another reason for moving in. She work on both men more easily. Because they both needed it. Yes, the pieces were falling into place now. It was obvious this was the best possible outcome and how it was meant to be. Bai was well pleased. "Come, the sun is rising. It's time for sleep. Tonight is soon enough for you to start making plans."
He wanted to put off that talk for forever if he could, but he knew that likely was going to be impossible. "Why do I have the feeling that you're going to make it absolutely impossible for me to avoid this talk?" he teased, pressing a little kiss to her forehead before gently lifting her as he stood up from his seat. "Time for sleep," he agreed. He knew he could use it. He could also use being curled up beside Bai and holding tight to the petite little thing. Plans could be laid out that night. For now he wanted to just rest.