Elena Gilbert (niceness) wrote in somerealityrpg, @ 2020-01-23 12:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | !gamewideplot, active: damon salvatore, active: elena gilbert |
"because it beats the alternative"
What: Difficult confessions
When: Backdated to Sunday January 19th (after this
Where: Their apartment
Warnings: Nah
Status: Completed via GDOCS
This was the worst thing that could happen. Damon didn’t particularly enjoy keeping secrets, least of all from Elena, but he also hated forgetting himself in the heat of the moment. His loyalty to Alaric had prompted him to get to know Hope better, and now he thought of her as family. So, knowing she was in danger irked the hell out of him. He hated being stuck inside, unable to do anything to protect his loved ones. He hadn’t been this way in a long time.
After leaving Mystic Falls, their lives had calmed down. Danger became a vague memory, a nightmare to wake either of them up in a cold sweat only to calm each other down with a warm embrace. When she arrived here, fresh out of the coma, he didn’t care. A lot of factors began to add up, things that she could handle knowing, but shouldn’t have to endure.
Like Grayson.
How could he tell her she had a son with him? Elena would immediately fret over him, feel guilty, and Damon didn’t want that for her. He’d signed up to ensure her happiness. Old habits crept up like unexpected shadows in the night and he loathed himself for the slip up. Better that then finding the instax photographs in the soap dish though, he supposed.
He’d already grabbed the family photo Elena had taken before she’d disappeared to have it ready. Pacing around their bedroom, he finally slumped on the edge of the bed with the tiny photograph in his hands. The ire she had towards him right now was deserved and he knew it, so he had to keep it together long enough for her to get it out of her system.
Then, maybe the healing could begin.
Elena thought they were past this. How many times had they gone through this exact same fight? She could recall them all like old photographs playing on a loop in her mind. Damon, keeping things from her because he thought he knew what was best for her. Damon, involving their friends and having them go along with his plans. Didn’t he know by now that it would always blow up in his face? Hadn’t they promised each other a million years ago that there wouldn’t be any more secrets?
And yet here they were. There wasn’t anything he could say to cover up his slip of a tongue, and lying to her only served to dig his grave deeper. Elena always knew when he was lying, and even if she didn’t? None of it added up. There was absolutely zero chance that ‘too soon’ had been a joke.
She was furious. At him and at everyone that kept his secret. It didn’t help that she was already seething with anger over Jeremy’s confession. So this? Well, this was the cherry on top of the whole fucking cake.
At first, Elena thought to snoop. She would find the answer even if Damon wouldn’t fess up, and if her search turned up empty? She would have confronted Jeremy, or Bonnie, or Jenna. Thankfully, she wouldn’t have to do that though and despite the fact that she didn’t even want to look at him? She met Damon in their room like she said she would.
She didn’t join him on the bed though, oh no. Elena stood up against the door, arms crossed. This was just a great time to be in this fight wasn’t it? With literal hell raining down outside the villas, why not start their own war as well?
Oof. Hesitantly, he met her angry gaze and internally shuddered. He knew that look all too well. This time it was worse, this time he’d lured her into a false sense of security and roped in their friends. It was indefensible, but he wouldn’t change that choice. Damon believed Elena could handle most of what the world threw at her, but she didn’t have to do it alone, nor did she have to take things that weren’t warranted. She wasn’t responsible for the way the Entity took her without a choice of what memories to keep.
Still, if the city was going to hell in a finely crafted handbasket, confessions were on the table. What more damage could he do? Then again, he had kept a lot from Elena, and he was the one person in her life who strived not to do that. There was a time he’d deliberately go against Stefan’s wishes just to include her in their plans. Funny how times changed.
She wouldn’t come to him and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to stand and meet her halfway, but he did it anyway. Damon knew he owed her as much. Rising to his bare feet, he padded over to her and held up the tiny photograph of the three of them smiling together. Only then did Damon allow a tear to fall, the sensation clearly irritating him enough to look away from Elena. Whether it was guilt, sorrow, his own rage at losing his family, he didn’t know.
“Grayson,” he introduced, his voice hoarse. “Our son. When you disappeared, so did he. I couldn’t tell you. I…” just couldn’t.
Elena’s eyes narrowed as he approached. She didn’t want space closed between them, all she wanted was answers. She felt betrayed by her friends, but more importantly? She felt betrayed by the one person who wasn’t ever supposed to cause this kind of pain. It stung worse than anything she felt in a long time, and her tongue was ready to sling a slew of hurtful things his way.
She opened her mouth to do just that, but then he was holding up the photo, and Elena felt like the floor was going to fall out from underneath her. She had been struggling with the fact that they were from different timelines. How could she not? She wasn’t his Elena in the way that she should have been. Damon lived a whole life with her future self. They were happy without the constant fear of danger knocking down their door, and that fear was all she knew. Day by day she attempted to push these thoughts from her mind, but they constantly hung there like a dark cloud. She feared she wouldn’t be enough. That he would long for his Elena, despite him telling her otherwise.
Now that fear was absolutely gutting her. A son. They had a family. She was a mother, and he lost not only his wife but his son. And here she was angry with him for keeping something from her. Elena felt horrible. Selfish, and spiteful, and horrible, and hurt.
Suddenly that ‘too soon’ comment came into focus sharply. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she closed the gap between them- her eyes never leaving the photo. “Damon...I didn’t know I…”
It was like getting the wind knocked out of sails. He forced himself to look at her, and as soon as the tears arrived, Damon could hardly restrain himself. She moved in and so did he, wrapping her up tightly in his arms as she found self-deprecation instead of rage to power her. It was the last thing he wanted. This felt more like a punishment than a confession and he resented his own stupidity for causing more heartache to Elena.
“Ssh,” he soothed gently, running his hand down the back of her head in an attempt to calm her before the emotions could go spiraling. Even without heightened emotions, Damon knew exactly how powerful a heart the love of his life possessed. “How could I tell you?” He asked, but rhetorically. Not desiring an answer, he squeezed her tighter and refused to let her go unless she absolutely demanded it.
“You’re right to be pissed at me,” he said, voice shaking. “I didn’t.. Want to keep him from you, but I had to. Not just for you, but… for me.” It was a different kind of loss, in a way. He’d mourned his mother, rejected her outright, and lost a chance to make amends. Grief always seemed to come in a strange reversal for Damon, with the exceptions of Liz and his own brother.
But, how could he really tell Elena that, in spite of waking up every day with her curled up against him, a part of him still longed to be back home with the family they’d built? There was no good way to say it, not even if he said that it didn’t mean he loved her any less, because he didn’t. No matter where they were in time or space, Damon loved Elena with every fiber of his being.
Elena all but collapsed in his arms, her face buried in his shirt. All of that anger and resentment took a backseat, allowing sorrow to take the wheel. Her heart was breaking for him and all that he lost. What kind of cruel world were they in? Hadn’t he lost enough in his life? There was only so much a person could take, only so much loss before they lost themselves. She suddenly resented the fact that she had been brought here. It wasn’t fair to either of them, but when was life ever fair for Damon or Elena? Right, it was fair to him for years. He got to live the life she dreamed about for them, and she hadn’t not yet. Nor would she, because this would never be the life he had before.
Her emotions were pulling her in a million different directions, and she didn’t know if she would come out on the other side of this.
“I’m not,” she began her voice mirroring the shake of his. “I’m not pissed. Not at you. Not anymore.” Elena couldn’t bring herself to look at him, she knew now without a shadow of a doubt that there wasn’t any way he didn’t miss the life he had before. Just like she knew that no matter how much she loved him? Or how much he loved her...that there wouldn’t ever come a time when he didn’t silently long for his family. “I’m so sorry, Damon. You don’t deserve this. You’ve lost so much. I’m...so sorry.” I’m not her.
Would it have been easier if she raged at him? Difficult to say. He held her anyway, ceaselessly brushing his fingers through her hair. Even just to listen to her cry was hell, especially when he had a part to play in those tears. She would never blame him, only herself, and that was half the problem, wasn’t it? Damon wanted to take on all her burdens just as much as she wanted to swallow whole the vast amount of his.
He wanted to tell her everything now, just to get it out in the open so their friends didn’t feel like they had to walk on eggshells around her. Bonnie would be proud of him if he did, right? Uncertainly, Damon scooped up Elena without affording himself an answer and deposited Elena on her side of the bed, then crawled on to lay next to her. He reached out to touch her face, absently tracing the tear lines from her eyes up and down, wondering if they were parallel to his own.
“I do deserve this Elena. You know I did a hell of a lot of damage long before I met you,” he leaned in to nuzzle her nose in an attempt to show her that he wasn’t dragging himself down because of the past. “And even more after I did. The one who doesn’t deserve any of this crap is you. You’re my light, you know.” His eyes wandered over her face as he scooted back a hair, full of wonder, love, and a little bit of leftover sadness. “No matter how dark it got, and it… got pretty damn dark while you were sleeping, you’ve always been here,” he paused to tap his temple and continued, “keeping me going.”
There wasn’t a single scenario where Elena would put the blame on Damon. Even when he was at his worst, she blamed herself. She always forgave him, and there was a time when she thought that to be detrimental. The girl had even ended things with him over it. Because love always blinded her when it came to him and his questionable methods. That love won in the end, however. Elena realized that it wasn’t a weakness, quite the opposite actually. Unconditional love was their greatest strength.
When he placed her on the bed, she took a deep breath. She wasn’t sure she could look at him without her eyes telling him all the things she couldn’t. All Elena wanted was to continue to carry that dark cloud of her future self with her in silence. She didn’t want him to ever have to endure her doubts.
Reaching, to wipe at his tears as he was hers- she felt more roll down her own cheeks. This was not how she intended this to go, and she hadn’t been remotely prepared. She sighed as he nuzzled her nose, and finally found the strength to look him in the eye. “But you don’t, Damon. In what world- despite the things you’ve done- do you deserve to lose your wife and son without so much as an explanation as to why? In what world do you deserve to get her back, but for her to be displaced? To not remember any of the happiness you shared for years?”
Elena scooted closer to him, her hand never leaving his face. “I’m glad I kept you going. That I could be your light when things got dark, and I don’t care how dark they got or what you did when I was sleeping. None of that matters or negates from the fact that this,” she said- motioning all around them. “Isn’t something you deserve.”
There was so much she didn’t know.
Tragically, no matter what she said, Damon didn’t believe he’d ever be convinced that this wasn’t some poorly executed punishment for his ill deeds. Having Elena in his life was never going to qualify as a penalty, but the circumstances came close. She wouldn’t stop beating herself up over things she couldn’t change anymore than he would stop blaming himself for his every transgression. Why should he? They were his ill-conceived decisions, he had to own them or let them rule him.
Maybe owning them wasn’t working out the way he thought, but he’d be damned if there was another, better alternative.
“I’d rather have you here, Elena, with or without memories, than not have you at all,” he said sincerely. At his core, that would be a truth unwavering. Damon thrived when she was in his life, whatever the capacity. He’d experienced years without her and never wanted to go back to those dark days.
“All those things I did, they matter to somebody,” he added, reluctantly meeting her gaze, his brow furrowed. “I can’t take any of it back, and I’m selfish, Elena, remember. You know I wouldn’t, because if even the slightest change meant that I’d lose a shot at the life we made together, it’d be the greatest mistake I ever made. That’s who I am. And you accept that… every time, even now. That’s how I know, all your memories or not, you’re the woman I love and that will always be enough for me.”
“I guess we’re both selfish.” Because, just as she would absolve him of every single thing he had done, she wouldn’t want him to change anything. It was important for him to know that. All the choices they made led to where they were, and she wouldn’t trade anything for it. “You’re always going to be enough for me, Damon. Always. It’s always been you. It was you before I even knew it was you...before I could allow myself to admit it was you. I wouldn’t change anything or ask you to change anything but-”
Taking a deep breath, she leaned her forehead against his and had to forcibly push the next words out of her mouth. “How do we live after this? How am I supposed to just live with her shadow following me? I haven’t been able to since I first woke up,” she confessed in barely a whisper. Oh, she hated this. But if he was confessing it was only fair of her to do the same. “And now with Grayson I…can’t expect you not to wish you were with them and don’t tell me you won’t because we both know you will. How could you not? It’s as impossible as me wishing that I was her.”
“I love you, Damon. Nothing will ever change that, but how…”
That was the million dollar question, but he found an answer--quickly, in fact. He grasped the side of her face, eyes closed as he leaned back into her. “Because it beats the alternative, Elena,” he said. No other truth stood as stark against the darkness enveloping them. So, the only way to wade through the shade was hand-in-hand, together, just as they always had.
In a way, he was the lucky one. He got to go through this twice with her, if she’d let him. Was it ideal? No. Would he prefer she could remember their marriage and family-building years? Absolutely. It was out of their hands, simple as that.
“Me missing him, that future, past, whatever--doesn’t mean I’m not happy here with you,” he added, eyes opening to look at her again. God, did he ever love her. “So, you tell me. What can I do to help you through that?” It was evident, as always, that he would go to hell and back for her, and he wouldn’t make the mistake of looking back to ensure she was behind him. Damon knew Elena would always be there.
Elena sighed her eyes closing- getting a little lost in the way he touched her face, and how he had the uncanny ability to always say exactly what she needed to hear in moments like these. ’Because it beats the alternative.’ He was right. She knew he was right, she went through living without him before and it nearly killed her. Elena couldn’t do that again.
So, she would continue to try. It wouldn’t be easy, but they were worth it, weren’t they? Their life together now is what mattered, and while Elena didn’t want him to ever forget what he had before? While she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to push it from her mind? She would try. Because he was the man she loved.
“I know it doesn’t. I know you love me, Damon and I know that I make you happy and that you’ve been happy here with me,” finally allowing her eyes to flutter back open she ran her hand through his hair. “What I don’t know? Is what I need to get through this. But we can start with no more lies. You can’t keep things from me, no matter how much you’re trying to protect me. If you need to talk about them, if you need to talk about anything from my future or your past when I was asleep? I need you to talk.”
No more lies. Damon exhaled uneasily, but not because of the prospect of withholding truths and bending what little he could to protect her. No, Damon sighed on her behalf. Having to retrace the years in between her awakening and the discovery that Elena was pregnant, that would take hours, days even. It would be a lot for Elena to take in, and he didn’t want her to have to handle that burden. He wanted to shoulder it for her, always. Thankfully, she wasn’t asking for it all in one blow.
“Alright, I promise--nope. I swear, Elena, that I will tell you everything.” Damon fastened those baby blues on her sternly. “As it comes. It’s a deal.” Lightly tapping her nose with his finger, he leaned in suddenly to press a kiss to her forehead and lingered for a moment. Damon wouldn’t trade her for anything else in the world.
They could get through this together, they always did.
Shifting to wrap his arms around her, he turned to lay on his back in a more comfortable position. He dropped another kiss to the top of her head, hands passing over her arms in a soothing fashion. “This is gonna be okay,” and for once, he actually believed that.