Anxiety Disorders

Got a notice on my door today (after business hours). They're doing houskeeping inspections again this month. Between the 8th and the 31st.

It's like they WANT to incapacitate me.

In addition to talking to the Austin Tenants' Council this morning, Advocacy Inc. called me back this evening; I need to go get copies of the probation paperwork and the letter from my caseworker stating that I'm disabled & need reasonable accomodation to mail to them. Also, my MHMR caseworker called back, and she's gonna call the manager.

*slump* this is so draining.

I've been working on a lot of school things lately. I've also been in a mad search for a job, one that takes hours every day. And still, I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing useful.

I know I have no real reason to feel worthless, but I do. I feel like I contribute nothing, and no matter how much I try to convince my brain that it's okay, I still feel this way.

It might have to do with the fact that I'm not writing as much as I used to. I still am, just not quite as much and I don't spend hours every day doing it. I don't see the point. It isn't my job and it's made-up stories about a TV show, so why do I feel so bad about not wriitng it? Why do I feel like I'm not doing anything?

I'm a full time student for the first time in years. I'm scheduled to graduate with my bachelor's degree this spring and because of that I have a lot of schoolwork to do. Not all day every day by any means, but still a good deal. Still, anytime I browse the internet or watch TV I feel so incredibly guilty and worthless, and it makes no sense. I'm a fucking fulltime student, that's my job and it comes first. It's a lot and I shouldn't feel guilty for doing that and only that.

I'm looking for an actual job but am having no luck. It's not for lack of trying. I apply everywhere and have interviews a lot, but I still haven't been hired anywhere good. I'm trying though and I want a job, so I shouldn't feel worthless for not having one. And again, the student thing. Most students only work part time if at all while they're taking classes, and I'm looking for full time.

I've been having fairly severe anxiety lately. A lot of it is social, but there's also the whole things about being so far from home. It's a good stress but it's stress all the same. Home was safe and as awesome as Scotland is it doesn't feel the same, and I got used to the way home felt.

I just want to be able to relax for awhile without feeling so damn guilty. I want to feel like I can watch a movie without also being on the computer. I want to allow myself to deal with my anxiety and not feel guilty for wasting hours trying to calm down.

Granted, I could be doing more. Everyone always could, I think. But relaxation is a part of all of it and I just can't seem to do that.

I'm just so tired of feeling so worthless about these things. It never used to be this way.

Ok, so yesterday I called Advocacy, Inc and did an intake interview, called HAND and got an appointment for emergency cleaning help for tomorrow, and called my caseworker at MHMR and the Family Self-Sufficiency Specialist and never heard back.

This morning I called the Austin Tenants' Council's Fair Housing Program and gave my info to the woman there and should get a call back from their intake person, and called the FSS woman again and caught her this time, explained my situation, and she should be calling me back.

Of course, I'm fucking phone-phobic and need to take valium after all that... which means I can't get much actual cleaning done (really, that goes for the stress of the whole situation). Talk about counterproductive!

They're back and they're worse than they were before.

I've been having a hard time dealing with this today.

Last night I had one where I was living in my parents' house and wanted to get out, like always. This time, though, my dad was planning to kill everyone, for some reason. So, we went to the grocery store I used to work at and they told me not to tell anyone, but I went ip to the registers and told my friend. Then I hid, hoping they'd leave me there and forget me. No such luck. I watech my dad and stepmom kill 200 people that day and then I got locked in my room like I always used to as a kid.

I dont remember exactly what happened but it fucking bothered me. A lot. Just when I think they've left me alone that come back again.

December 3rd, 2008: Applied online to Umeå University's Master's program in Tourism. I also printed out the cover sheet, which I need to mail alongwith a copy of my passport which has been signed and stamped by a Notary Public. I also faxed three transcript requests today. That means I have one left, and I have to wait until my balance clears on January 18th. But I can do that one online, so hopefully it'll get there really quick. Now I'm just waiting on my advisor to wrote tyhe letter I need. I emailed her Monday with no response, and if I havent heard from her by tomorrow night I'm emailing again.

But, yeah. That's all I can really do from my end. Here's hoping.

The frickin' apartment complex manager put me on probation for failing my housekeeping inspection; basically meaning she can evict me when she pleases. So I spent the past half hour talking to the intake guy at Advocacy, Inc, and leaving messages with my caseworker at MHMR and my contact at HAND. Also tried reaching the HACA Family Self-Sufficiency Specialist, but I don't have much faith in her.

I might wind up having to spend the money I've saved toward an Eee to get a maid service to go over my place, but I have the suspicion that even that wouldn't satisfy this bitch. She has the letter from my caseworker documenting my disability, she knows HAND is looking for an aide for me, and she doesn't give a shit.

It was a very good thing I was going in to touch up my cutting today. It helped keep me from doing some dumbass shit like cutting myself. Took some Valium, hopefully that'll put me out for a while.

Do any of you have a Yahoo! e-mail account? And, if so, can you access it right now? Because I can't. I can't using any of my web browsers (so there's not something wrong with Firefox, which is the one I use for most everything, but I use Internet Explorer for a few sites that aren't Firefox friendly); I can't using a proxy server either (because the last time I had issues accessing a website, it was some frustrating DNS issue that ended up resolving itself, even if I did have to use a proxy server to access the site for a few months afterward). So, I'm just curious if I should call Comcast and bitch at them or if it's something wrong with Yahoo!.

ETA: Nevermind. It fixed itself!

Going downtown to get my cutting touched up today, so I can't sleep until 7 pm again. Caffiene should happen soon. Go downtown, get protein-rich lunch (I'm thinkin' a gyro at Cozzoli's), go to the post office, walk down to Industrial Primitives and get sliced, and if I feel up to it, go to the grocery store for a few things after.

A few words on the book I just read, because I got it from simon_saysuk! First, I really suck at reviews of any sort. Really, really suck at it. But the matter at hand: Generation Dead, by Daniel Waters. It can be neatly summed up as an afterschool special with zombies. Basically, for no reason that is ever explained, American teenagers are coming back from the dead, and they're the newest oppressed minority. This comes off a little heavy-handed at times, thus the whole 'afterschool special' vibe. But it's an enjoyable book, with characters that ring true (both the alive and the 'differently biotic'). There's a dead boy who goes out for the football team, the gothy (living) girl who goes out with him, and the story kind of spirals outward from them. It's not life-changing and I don't expect it to have a fandom, but I was pleased to see that a sequel is due to be released in May. It's an engaging read, and Circe is currently informing me that it makes an excellent cat pillow.

Jesus. I can't seem to wake up. It's after 7 and I've been napping all damned day.

Gotta be awake tomorrow though, going to get my cutting touched up.

The Song Title Interview

01. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
02. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
03. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.
04. Title this post what the answer to your last question is.
05. Good luck and have fun!

( an attempt )

ETA: I found my ticket from the Assyria exhibit. I turned it over and discovered that on the back it says I was entitled to one free return visit within ten days.

:(



( Bad Fashion Advice )

I seem to have trouble talking to people now. I should have known this would happen. Two months and one week of not being able to talk to anyone has resulted in my conversational skills being somewhat...rusty. And I got *used* to it. Because if I let myself, I can go most of the time forgetting that I can, and should, talk to people.

Also, I basically don't have most people's AIM or email anymore, it'd be easier to invite more people to chats if I did. I could always be more proactive about stuff like that, but...that just never occurs to me.

I also can't seem to write any of my fics or original stories. I looked at what I'd written this past month and I think it just isn't what I wanted.

So instead, have some uh ( CW drama meta )

HolyClothing had an extremely limited sale of 100 items that were going for $9.99 each. I was able to score a pretty blouse in black. They're also offering free shipping (on any order, any size order) today so I bought a black skirt as well.

ThinkGeek has a one-day free shipping offer as well, for orders $25 and over with the code CYBERMONDAY. Great time to get those cases of Bawls, people! I'd already planned to get the Despair, Inc. calendar and they had the awesome cool steampunk skeleton on sale for $9.99 (in sizes from small to 3X! I'm sure some of you would like that!), so that worked out damn near perfectly.

So, set back a little on my Eee fund, but not too badly.

( Date report and some navel-gazing )

I've got a coffee date this afternoon. Eek! For a not-terribly girly person, I do seem to use a lot of girly stuff to get ready. Bath & Body Works bubble bath in last night's relaxing bath, Woobie fluffy butter wash to shave my pits, Arcana sugar scrub on my sandpapery elbows, Body Perfumery shampoo and Villainess soap in the shower, Body Perfumery deodorant and Woobie body powder after. And before I leave there will be Villainess Whipped! and judicious application of BPAL (Gelt). And I even dug out the hairdryer I haven't used in years! Clothes will be: my cute purple HolyClothing minidress and black leggings. I think I'll wear my rutilated quartz pendant as well. And of course I'll be rockin' my awesome spiked backpack.

I am, yes, very very nervous. Didn't sleep well, so I'm knocking back the tea.

Wish me luck!

I went to see Twilight with my sister today.

The short of it: Movie so much better than book.

( The long of it )

For the craftier lovers of smellies on my flist: How to make bath bombs.

rehd_fawx, who did the gorgeous artwork in my current icon, is currently taking commisions. Her prices are quite reasonable (ranging from $2 to $25, depending on size and complexity) and as you can see from my icon, she's totally awesome.

ETA: Here's her DeviantArt gallery!