Entry tags:

bloopers, closing games, team dragon

TEAM DRAGON BLOOPERS & MISSING SCENES!
Welcome, Friends!

Today we have a special treat for you. A few months ago, while all the authors were typing away, Team Phoenix issued a quiet challenge to Team Dragon. It went a little like this:

Simple. The author quotes an excerpt from their own story and then steers it down a fast detour into The Crack Zone, not to be confused with the Twilight Zone.

Perhaps bold text might be an easy way to distinguish between actual quotes and Teh Crack.

Well, Team Dragon answered that call. Both teams had authors who took the bloopers a step further, instead writing 'missing/deleted scenes' from their fics to wow us all. Hee.

Today we present to you:

TEAM DRAGON'S FIC BLOOPERS!

Author: klynie1
Story: The Ghostwriter
Blooper: Kreacher reveals Newlin's identity (the unedited version)...

"Master!" Kreacher looked around the room and cringed. "Master called for Kreacher?"

"Yes. Kreacher," Harry pointed at Newlin, "who is that?"

"Mr Newlin, sir, Master, sir."

"And what are his other names?"

Kreacher blushed; his eyes dropped. "Hugglebunny," he whispered. "Fuzzycheeks."

"Kreacher, no!" Newlin's face was white. "You swore you'd never – "

"Wrinkleysac, Nannernose, Kissykitten, Daddy's Big Stallion…"

"Nooooo!" Newlin collapsed as the litany continued, Kreacher's voice gaining confidence as he bestowed loving glances on Newlin's prostrate form.

"…and Diddumdiddledoo," Kreacher concluded several minutes later. He fluttered his eyelashes at Newlin, but, being prostrate, Newlin didn't notice.

Silence reigned. Finally, Harry coughed. "Er, what I meant was, is he Snape?"

"Oh." Kreacher blinked. "Yes, Master. Kreacher is being proud to call Kreacher's Noogienuggins 'Professor Snape,' Master, sir."

---

Author: joanwilder (RaeWhit)
Story: Down the Rabbit Hole
Blooper: Snape reconsiders dragon versus phoenix.

Harry shook his head. "No, no, not at all. I was just wondering…" He narrowed his eyes at Severus. "It's stupid, but you asked, so don't make fun."

"Oh, for god's sake, Harry. When was the last time I belittled you?" Snape snorted.

Rubbing his lower lip with his thumb, Harry thought. "Tuesday. When I asked you if pixie eggs were edible."

Severus harrumphed. "Well, really. Such a ludicrous question." He pursed his lips. "All right, I promise. Give it up."

Harry didn't look convinced, but conceded, "I was wondering…if you had your pick, which would you want to be: dragon or phoenix?"

Severus' smirk suddenly disappeared. "It's a perfectly legitimate consideration. One that will take some thought."

Lost in his own musings, Harry looked up at the rumbling of Severus' voice, the words at first indistinguishable, then dropped his mouth wide open when it became obvious that Severus was attempting to sing.

"Trogdor was a man…" he grunted. "I mean he was a dragon man… Or maybe he was just a dragon," he mumbled in a toneless, yet oddly singsong voice.

Harry leant forward in the chair. "What?"

Severus looked up at him and raised his eyebrows, a glint of humor in his eyes. "But he was still TROGDOR! TROGDOR!" he growled louder, as he started to nod his head up in down in time to his recitation.

He couldn't help himself; Harry laughed out loud. "I don't even want to know where—"

"Burninating the countryside," Snape interrupted him, his voice low and rhythmic, his foot now tapping the floor. "Burninating the peasants! Burninating all the peoples—"

"Okay," Harry laughed out loud gleefully, enjoying this respite from the fact of their imprisonment by a malevolent castle. "Okay, I get it, you're saying dragon for sure. But you have to tell me how in the world you ever—"

"Burninating all the peoples in the thatched-roof COTTAGES! TROGDOR!" Severus slapped his knee and smiled almost triumphantly, his eyes challenging and bright.

Harry sat, mouth open, watching as Severus straightened the seam in his trousers, reached to pick up his drink, then looked up questioningly at Harry. "Yes, dragon for me. And you?"

Shaking his head, Harry muttered, "Give me a minute, will you? That's a hard act to follow."

---

Author: centaury_squill
Story: Lost and Found
Blooper: Shrieking Shack Flash, um, back

Harry could tell the exact moment when Snape's memory finally returned, for Snape's eyes suddenly widened...

He is standing confronting the boy in a small room, wallpaper peeling off the walls: the Shrieking Shack. Harry is refusing to believe his message, his urgent message, Dumbledore's message. The boy speaks incomprehensible words:

"You're saying I'm a Horcrux?"

"You've a whore's crotch?" growled Snape, his fingers busily working the tempting bulge in Harry's robes. "Show it to me, then, you sexy little perv!"

---

Author: amand_r
Story: The (Un)Professional
Deleted Scene: Harry and drunken Draco at the reunion

When he was apparently finished kissing Harry, Snape drew back, looked elsewhere and backed up a step. "I'll wait for you downstairs."

He had to lean against the wall next to the Headmaster's staircase then, watching Snape's tall frame stride downstairs. He heard a dull thudding and was alarmed before he realised that it was his heart. The stone gargoyle tapped its foot then, eyes rolling; who said old dogs couldn't learn new tricks? Apparently everyone had something new today.

Harry watched Snape disappear down the hallway, his frame swallowed by the darkness. There was a shuffling from behind him and Harry whirled, bringing his hands up just in time to restrain himself from hitting Draco Malfoy. Draco swayed a little bit, his eyes sleepy. He'd been hitting the bar, perhaps the mythical hookah that someone had told Harry was down in the Slytherin dungeons. Possibly both. Harry turned away and looked back towards the hallway where Snape had disappeared.

"Snape?" Draco asked, his words a little slurred. "So you're jumping that again, are you?" Draco said out of the corner of his mouth as he staggered down the hallway.

Harry turned back to Draco and raised his hands. "Fuck; hello Draco, how are you?" he snapped.

Draco pulled his wand. "I'm so sick of this, Potter," he growled, or would have growled if his words weren't slightly slurred. "Let's settle this."

Harry grabbed Draco's shoulders. "Settle what, Draco?" Harry shook Draco's shoulder and was finally able to make contact with his eyes. "That's all gone. There is nothing, nothing between us now."

Draco's eyes unfocused, but he gestured with his wand halfheartedly. Harry shook Draco's shoulders again, lightly, but firmly. When dealing with drunken people it was best to be as firm as possible, repeating oneself often.

"So what are you angry at? Huh? Because it can't be me. Not after all these years. Right? We're fine."

Draco sighed a little and his shoulders sagged. His wand hand dropped and with his other hand he groped in his breast pocket, producing a scrap of parchment. Harry glanced at it before looking at Draco's face, bland and slack, as he unfolded the paper with care and smoothed it with his fingers.

"What's that?" Harry asked, letting go of Draco's shoulders.

Draco waved the paper slightly and stared intently at Harry, as if trying to communicate with his eyes alone. Maybe he was just trying to see only one Harry. "These are my words."

Harry looked at the sloppily written words in green ink and noticed that they seemed to be in verse. "Is that...did you write that?"

"My words," Draco repeated. Harry confirmed that his philosophy of repetition with drunkards worked both ways in the sluggish line of communication.

"All right, he said, releasing Draco's shoulders and taking a half step back. Draco seemed to follow him, but that was because he was sagging. He glanced from the paper to Harry's face. "Do you want to read it?"

Draco seemed to be waiting for Harry to gesture for him to begin, and when he did, Draco grasped either side of the paper, then let go with one hand and made a scrolling gesture that looked partially offensive, and sighed.

"Sometimes in the night, when I'm sad," Draco said slowly.

Harry patted his shoulder. "That's fantastic, Draco."

Draco checked the paper again. "There's more."

Harry knew that already. It looked like the poem was fifty lines long, and he simply didn't feel that neutral enough towards Draco to stand there and be regaled with Pissed Pureblood Poetry Hour. "Well, why don't you skip to the end."

Draco rolled his finger down the paper to the bottom of the parchment and them looked up at Harry. "For it."

"For it," Harry echoed, glancing at the portrait behind Draco in which of a group of dogs looked to be starting a card game. It was distracting. "That's great. That's fantastic." He backed up a step.

"For it," Draco repeated, looking at Harry expectantly.

Harry backed up further and raised his hands in front of his chest in surrender. "Really, I love what you have there. I mean, I don't know if I'd try to publish it, but I'd definitely do some readings at Flourish and Blotts."

Draco folded the paper and leaned against the wall, and the dogs in the painting howled at him. "Do you wanna snort some Mandrake?" he asked, his empty hand reaching for the inside of his robes.

Harry waves his upraised hands. "No, I'm fine, but you, uh, you go right ahead." He backed down the hallway and waved a bit to Draco, who blinked a few times and glanced down the other end of the hallway, towards the party. Harry used the distraction to slip around the corner and breathe a sigh of relief.

---

Author:lilyseyes
Story: Immaculate Misconception
Deleted Scene: Missing scene, set just prior to the end

Harry caressed the ample girth of his lover’s belly, hoping to cajole Severus out of the foul mood he’d awoken in. The warmed lotion Harry was using to soothe the taut skin made an excellent lubricant, he knew from experience. Pushing the loose robes further apart, Harry slid lower stroking the lotion over Severus’ thighs as he moved in on his target. The lovely cock sprang from its nest of dark curls to greet him and Severus groaned as Harry bent to lick the tip.

A deep groan erupted from above him and Harry grinned as he opened his mouth to take his delicious prize to the root. Severus called it his oral fetish, encouraging it often as he whispered naughty things in that rich, sexy voice. Harry moaned as he bobbed his head, his cock throbbing in anticipation while his hand still stroking Severus’ suddenly rock-hard belly.

“Fuck, Potter! Arrgh!”

Severus groaned again, slender fingers cupped his head tightly before pulling Harry away. Harry looked up with a frown as he saw the grimace of pain on the older man’s face and the rapid deflation of his prick.

“Severus?” Harry hated that he was still so insecure about his appeal to the more experienced wizard.

A curious mixture of panic and incredulous amusement flitted across his partner’s face and Harry swore Severus rolled his eyes. “You dolt! I believe I’ve just entered the transitional phase of pre-birth.”

The words took a moment to click and understanding was quickly replaced by absolute terror.

Severus Snape was in labor!

---

Author: rakina
Story: The First-Born Child
Altered Scene: Original in italics, altered scene in bold.

In their new infatuation James and Lily spared Severus hardly a glance and did not seem to notice him or care for his opinion. Severus hated everything about the situation, and the fact that he was being disregarded he hated most of all.

And yet they were foolish, good people, for they should have noticed him! Severus' fierce antagonism, even then, was a very scary thing, coming as it did from someone far more involved with Dark magic than anyone else of their age, and far, far more intense.

Eventually Lily did notice that they were being followed. Severus was so subtle at tracking and so good at concealment spells that it took her a while, but Lily finally glimpsed him as a swirl of darkness on the edge of her vision. She only glimpsed him, and many people would have put that dark shadow down to mere imagination or a trick of the eye, but Lily began to take notice of the prickling of her skin that warned her someone was there.

Usually she was a most observant young woman; it was only her infatuation with James and the fact that this would be their first time going all the way together that had caused her not to notice her follower sooner; that she became aware of Severus at all on this fateful afternoon just proved her ability. Now Lily knew Severus was watching, good people; and in truth, she wanted him to watch. It would be the ideal way to show him that his dreams were over, that she'd really meant it when she'd broken it off with him. And anyway, Lily thought, it would be hot having his dark eyes burning into them as they got down to it. And between you and me, my friends, I have to tell you that Lily felt her underwear getting wet just at the thought of it.

So Severus watched them as they lay down in their woody bower, watched them become naked, watched Potter possess his Lily and waited for Lily's cries of ecstasy that would surely be wilder and more abandoned than any she'd made in his arms. He hated it, oh, yes, he hated the mere thought of it, but he just couldn't stop watching them. Severus' eyes misted over with anguish at his loss, but his cock was as hard as nails in his trousers as he watched Lily spread her legs.

But just after Potter entered her, Lily pulled back from his kiss and whispered into her boyfriend's ear. Now an ordinary wizard could not have heard her tiny puffs of words, but each time he followed the pair Severus cast powerful surveillance spells on them, spells which he'd perfected for himself. And so he heard Lily say: "I'm sorry, James, but he's got a much bigger cock than you."

James stiffened in Lily's arms and, seeing the movement, the hesitation, how Severus wanted to rip Potter away from her and enter her himself! He'd show the useless prick how it was done!

"Who?" James asked.

Lily sighed against his cheek then; so sensitive was Severus' spell that he heard the slight huff of her breath against Potter's skin. It caused Potter to shiver helplessly in desire and grind his hips in an attempt to impress her with his cocktail sausage. And now Severus really wanted to kill him, not just pull him out of her arms, because surely it was an insult to his Lily to offer her such a meagre piece of meat!

"Severus," she gasped.

Ah, how sweet was the sibilant sound of Severus' name upon Lily's lips, my friends, whispered in a breath of desire! Except it was not just desire, it was longing - longing for that extra-large sausage that Severus Snape kept tucked away in his trousers, the delicious flavour of which Lily remembered so well.

"That greasy-" James began. In his anger his voice was discordant and harsh, but Lily put her finger over his lips, stopping his rant before it could start and saving herself from being splattered with spittle.

"He's odd, I know," she whispered very quietly, but Severus heard every word as clearly as you can hear me. "But he's my friend; and really, James, he's got the most magnificent todger and he knows just how to use it. And Merlin, how I miss it! Er, I mean him."

---

Author: mimiheart
Story: Troublesome Transition
Blooper: What was the genre again?

"Well, if you're getting married, your wife will eventually join you here, right?"

"I guess."

"Do you think she wants to live in nothing for eternity?"

"No. I don't particularly fancy it myself."

"Then do something about it!"

A small garden appeared to their right.

"A garden?"

Harry shrugged. "It was the first thing that came to mind. I suppose you would prefer...." A dungeon appeared around them, with the garden growing in the middle.

"No, I think this," he snapped his fingers, "is more my thing." The dungeon was replaced, and around them was the belly of a war ship.

"You have to be kidding me."

"Not at all, Mr. Potter." Ropes appeared around Harry's wrists and ankles. "See, I've had this little... idea... for a while." He grabbed the ropes and started tying them, none too gently, to a cannon; Harry's clothes disappeared and he lay face down with his rear exposed.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No."

"I'm going to bugger you. It's time for some cannon in this fic. It is the author's genre."

"That's not what it means!"

"Your point?"

"Let me up!"

"No. Methinks it's time for some pirate play. ARRR me matey." Severus donned an eye patch and sword.

"So not happening. Let. Me. Up."

"Ah, but Mr. Potter, dan't ye reckon that this be completely ou' o' yer control? Ye will enjoy this. Remember, 'tis canon."

---

Author: simons_flower
Story: Chains
Deleted Scene: Good Morning Sunshine

Hermione was on edge. She missed Ron, she was worried for Harry and the woman in front of her had no idea how close she was to being hexed.

"So I told him I'd be happy to stop by and help him out," the woman continued, her voice rising at the end of each sentence, inflecting them like questions with no question involved. "I stopped by yesterday morning for breakfast, but Harry didn't answer."
Hermione wondered if her ears were bleeding.

"So I brought this pie. I hope he likes pie. It's my mama's recipe for blueberry pie. Did you know that blueberries are everywhere up here? I'm sure you do, sugar, you look like that type."

Hermione stopped her there. "Excuse me, but what type is that?"

The woman batted her false eyelashes, and transferred the pie to one hand so she could prop her other hand on an out-thrust hip. "Why the know-it-all kind of course!"

Hermione was grateful no one asked about the body on the front porch.

---

Author: svartalfur
Story: Polyjuice Pertinacity or The Tale of the Auror and the Whore
Deleted Scene: The Not At All Perfect Uniform For A Hogwarts Potions Master

When Harry pushed open the door, he was met by a sight that took his breath away and made his knees weak. Severus Snape was lying on the bed, naked except for one silk stocking. The unstockinged leg high in the air, he was busy slipping the second stocking over his toes. Harry watched in awe as Severus smoothed the green silk over his high instep and adjusted the heel. Severus's body was completely clean-shaven but for a small triangle of hair pointing down at his cock, and the deep green material was a great contrast to his pale skin. While Severus slowly rolled the stocking up his leg, Harry sat down on the edge of the bed and pressed a kiss to the other leg, enjoying the softness of the silk and the even softer skin.

"Mm," Harry said, "perfect."

Severus ignored Harry in favour of the stocking.

"I'm so glad to see you wearing them again." Harry let two fingers slip below the wide lace top band. "You had them on when we first met, but never again after that. I've missed them."

Harry licked below the elastic band, rubbed his cheek against it and started to kiss a trail up to Severus's dormant cock. Severus turned away. He crossed his legs and looked at Harry with an expressionless face.

"They're part of my uniform," Severus said. "I never wear them when I'm not working."

Harry sighed. "I really don't know what Albus was thinking. You look like a ... like a common ..."

"Don't say it, Potter! It's bad enough to have to teach salivating students who all try to get into detention in order to seduce the Slytherin Sex God, I don't need your gibberish on top of that."

"You like me on top." Harry tried his most seductive cheeky grin (tm), but Severus only glared. "What was Albus thinking?" Harry repeated when Severus Accio'd a green corset and a silver feather boa.

"If you ask me, he wasn't thinking at all." Severus said, twirling the boa around his neck with a flourish. "It's the fault of that Muggle movie, that Horrible Rock Picture Show. He believes all Muggle scientists look like that and decided to make Hogwarts a place where the Muggleborns would feel at home more easily." Severus sneered and slipped his feet into his uniform shoes. The high heels clicked on the stone floor when he strode out of his dungeon quarters.

Harry adjusted the golden top-hat on his head and scurried after Severus. It was then that he decided to kill the headmaster, become the next Dark Lord and separate the wizarding world forever from Muggle culture and influence.

---

Author: babblingbrook42
Story: The Truth of Legends
Blooper: When Severus wakes to find a human Harry in his bed

A warm body wiggled in his arms and fingers brushed against his face as Severus woke.

“You’re not supposed to be here like this,” Severus muttered.

“Hmm, so you said,” Harry answered. “So how am I supposed to be here? Naked and tied to the bed? Dressed in lace or leather? Or maybe served with pudding?”

---

Author: jadzialove
Story: Of Cabbages and Kings...
Blooper: How Team Dragon got Harry off.


Harry's second day at Snape's began with a soft, warm breeze fluttering the curtains, sunlight pooling on the floor near the window, and the unexpected but enormously welcome return of his libido.

Throwing the covers off, he grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and shoved them on his face, staring down at his tented boxers, very nearly bursting into tears. Slipping a hand inside his pants, he pushed them down to gaze at his erection lovingly.

"Hello, old friend." He cradled it in his hand for a moment, enjoying the sensation, though he didn't dare have a wank, no matter how desperately he wanted to—there was no telling how much energy that would expend, and he didn't want to sleep the day away again. Still, he couldn't resist giving a little squeeze and…

"Wait, wait, wait—are you serious, Jen? 'Hello, old friend?' What is he? Seventy?"

"I know! But I couldn't think of anything better, and I could not see him using a nickname."

"Heh. Hello, little soldier… wee Harry!"

"Little buddy! Wee willy winky… Any suggestions, Harry?"

"Not a clue, though I do object to terms of 'weeness', thank you very much."

"Bah. All right, I'll put it to the team comm, maybe they can come up with something. Hem-hem. What say you, Dragons? Got any ideas?"

"Heh. Hilarity does come to mind—most of the men I've known over the years do tend to have a nickname for their man bits. This is an emotional scene – Harry hasn't had a hard-on in two years. I'd bet most men would start to cry upon seeing it again. So a term of endearment seems apropos, instead of a welcome maybe."

"Is that DJ, Rae?"

"Dunno, the Mod hat is obscuring her face. Did she sound Canadian?"

"Well, I can't tell. Pretty much everyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line sounds Canadian to me nowadays. Thanks, er, wise Modly person… Maybe it is the 'hello'."

"I agree with the 'old friend' thing and the 'wee' thing, but also? I doubt a boy of 20 who hasn't had a hard-on in 2 years, is going to wait for anything. Pretty much, he wouldn't care."

"Sorry, Jen, but Meri's right: I absolutely would not wait. I'd be wanking right now if you lot weren't here."

"But I've already got that other more detailed one coming up in a later scene... hmmm…"

*thinks hard*

"Yeah, Meri's got it, I think. I can't believe I almost did that to you."

"Harry would so have a wank. No chance he would leave his prick alone in a situation like this."

"Oh, Anders, you're right—Meri knocked some sense into my head too. Thank you, and thank you as well, Meri—I was blinded by my outline and maybe a bit lazy, but, yeah, why the hell wouldn't he have a wank right now? Damn."

"And 'hello old friend' sounds like a pop song to be honest. You could have him call his prick Dragon: Hey Dragon, good to see you up again."

"I don't know about that, Anders—dragon makes me think of breathing fire. And nothing says STD like a fire-breathing penis. Not so much sexy."

"Yea for wanking! And how about: It's bloody good to see you awake, mate!"

"Hey, Lily, welcome to Harry's bedroom. You know what? There's some potential there, I thi— Anders, no! Harry's a virgin in this story."

"Sorry, mate, she's right."

"A virgin! Oh, how sweet. And Sev will fall in love with him and deflower him and they'll have lots of cute little dark-haired babies…"

"Er, Lil…"

"Wha-huh?"

"Jen's not so much with the ass-babies, Lily."

"Your daughter has had a profound effect on your vocabulary, Rae. But yes, sorry Lils, my Harry doesn't know about MPreg."

"You're not gonna make me have babies, are you?!"

"No, calm down, Harry. I promise. Just take a deep breath or two, get some color back in your face. Uhm, where did Anders go?"

"He was just here a minute ago."

"Can you see him out the window, Meri?"

"Uh, yeah. He's heading for the garden."

"He must've read ahead—Severus is out there."

"Should we stop him?"

*sighs* "No, I guess not, leave him be. Severus is certainly not a virgin."

"You know Anders is gonna give him cigarettes… Severus'll smell of them for days."

"Heh, yeah, I know, Harry, but you won't be with Severus for a few more months anyway; he'll smell just fine by then. All right?"

"I guess."

"Okay, then, the new line will be 'Oh god, it's good to see you, mate!' and Harry will have his wank. I'm so sorry, sweetie, for what I almost denied you. How about if I make it up to you by giving you a regular morning wank?"

"That would be lovely, thank you."

"Excellent. Thank you, Dragons—this might've been a disaster without you! Now let's clear out and let Harry get to it!"

---

Author: the_con_cept
Story: And Malfoy MakesThree
Blooper: Draco drops the cheese early.

Draco wrinkled his nose. "Potter, American cheese, like so many other things introduced by that nation, is an abomination. What are you making?"

"Macaroni and cheese," Harry said. "And I'm trying to follow the recipe, if you don't mind." He reached for the block of cheese, but, risking life and limb, Draco snatched it away.

"Use cheddar instead," Draco advised.

"Draco, no! Hand it over."

Harry tried to take the cheese away, but Draco stood on tiptoe and held it out of his reach. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that," he said "You'll thank me someday." Harry was so close that Draco could feel the heat of him. He glanced down and saw that the top few buttons of Harry's shirt were undone, the cloth rumpled. Harry's lips were pursed and Draco could tell he was trying hard not to smile.

"Give it," Harry demanded. Draco only held the block higher. Harry got up on tiptoe as well, but Draco had longer arms. Harry made a face at him as they stood nose to nose. "Draco," he said, but Draco shook his head.

"I regret that I have only one life to give for your casserole," Draco said gravely.

Harry leaned forward, eyes drifting shut. Draco thought he knew what to expect.

They bumped noses. Jostled, Draco couldn't hold onto the small, cold wedge of cheese. Draco expected Potter to try again, but instead he yelped, jumping back.

"That was early," Snape remarked from the doorway. "You weren't supposed to leap apart until after I'd enjoyed the show for a bit."

Harry was jerking at his shirt, looking annoyed and hopping about. "It's--fucking--Draco's fault," he spat.

Draco planted his hands on his hips. "I like that! I did everything I was supposed to do! You're the one who went off script and started dancing about like you've got ants in your pants."

"You dropped the damn cheese down my shirt!" Harry howled.

Snape looked mildly interested. "Is that supposed to be a euphamism, or did you decide to try a bit of food play?" he asked.

"It was an accident," Draco protested.

Harry managed to get his buttons undone and yank his shirt off. "It was fucking cold," he complained. The cheese tumbled to the floor and Draco wrinkled his nose at it.

"Five-second rule?" Harry asked.

"I don't think so," Draco said.

"Start over," Snape advised. "I'll go out and come back in a few minutes."

Harry made a face and picked up the wedge of cheese. "Ready to make out?" he asked with a certain lack of enthusiasm.

Draco grinned. "Sure," he said. "Cheese play gets me randy."

Harry laughed and lobbed the wedge at him.

---

Author: ivylady
Story: Rights and Rituals
Blooper: What Not to Say When Training

After their talk, Harry was much more receptive to Severus's tutelage. Knowing that the man did not think him a hopeless dullard was enough motivation to get Harry to try his hardest. That, and fending off his professor's attacks. Severus was as vicious with hexes as he was with words.

Harry found himself becoming aroused at the most awkward times. Severus would be explaining complex dueling theory, and Harry's mind would be in the gutter. He'd find himself staring at Severus's long legs and wondering if they were as flexible as they seemed. He was pretty certain he could get them over his shoulders if he tried. Harry was entranced with Severus's mouth. The thin lips and acidic tongue teased him as Severus verbally flayed him. Harry wanted nothing more than to put that cruel mouth to better use. He found himself growing hard at the most inopportune times, and his erection usually only subsided after Severus hexed some sense into him.

Severus, not knowing Harry's thoughts, found Harry's new attitude amusing.

"Who knew that all it took to motivate you, Potter, was a little sycophancy? If I had known such diligence would be the result of my actions," Severus drawled, "I would have complimented you before."

Harry, daydreaming about Snape's assets, replied, "With such a talented tongue, I'd let you brownnose me anyday."

Harry never saw the hex coming.

---

Author: fitofpique
Story: Made-Up Lullabye #43
Deleted Scene: Love Is Like A Bottle Of Gin

"Potter! Potter!"

The edge of panic in Severus' voice sends Harry dashing down the hall and into the kitchen, toothbrush in mouth, white bubbles running down his chin and bare chest. Somehow his heart manages to fit in his mouth along with all the rest. "What is it!" he asks, summoning his wand and spinning wildly around, looking for an intruder or a malevolent baby bicorn or a particularly noxious nappy - whatever might make Snape lose his almost ever-present cool. He trips over his pyjama bottoms and dribbles toothpaste foam everywhere, but there is nothing to see except Snape standing by the pantry door, his expression stricken. "What is it?" he repeats, crossing the room to spit in the sink before he drowns in an ocean of minty freshness.

"Potter," Snape repeats, his eyes dropping to the waistband of Harry's pyjamas and hovering there suspiciously. "Something horrible has happened."

There is something off about Snape's voice. His words aren't as clipped and precise as usual. What's more, three buttons at the throat of his shirt are unfastened, and one of his sleeves is rolled to the elbow. He looks positively dishevelled by his own standards.

"How many doses of calming potion have you had today?" Harry asks, bending to rinse his mouth at the tap. He wipes the drool off his chest with a towel and leans one hip against the worktop, trying not to smile.

"Just the one," Snape says, glaring at him, "which I think is perfectly reasonable in response to ... that."

"You can't even say it," Harry says, giving in to the urge to laugh.

"I don't want to even think about it!"

"Snape, it was just a little p-"

"No! Do not say it!" Snape says, crossing his arms across his chest and shuddering. "You should have obliviated me, Potter. I've had three showers today and I still feel dirty."

Harry congratulates himself for not feeling even the slightest urge to dust off one of the old insults from his school years. Instead, he moves closer so he can pat Snape on the shoulder. "If it happens again, you have my word that I will obliviate you so hard you'll forget your own name," he says solemnly.

"Excellent," Snape says. "Promise me one more thing?"

Harry tries to lift one eyebrow questioningly, but it won't budge. He needs more practice in front of the mirror. "What is it?"

Snape opens the door of the pantry with a flourish and gestures to an empty spot on the middle shelf, leveling an accusatory look at Harry. "Replenish the bloody gin stores when you do the shopping tomorrow."

"That's what you were having a fit about?" Harry laughs.

"I do not have fits, Potter," Snape says, staring at Harry down his epic nose.

Harry opens his mouth to contradict him but Snape doesn't give him a chance.

"I would not recommend voicing that thought," he says in a warning tone, "until I have a gin and tonic in my hand."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Tesco's is open twenty-four hours, you know."

"Is it?" Snape asks, lifting one eyebrow with enviable ease.

Harry nods.

Snape slips one hand inside his trouser pocket, whispers something under his breath, and Harry suddenly finds himself fully dressed, shoes and all.

"Off you go then," he says, looking frightfully pleased with himself. "Don't forget the limes."

---

Author: carawen
Story: Beatae Memoriae
Deleted Scene: February 2012, take 2.0

"Are you sure this is safe, Harry?" Hermione bit her lip, looking over the scroll again.

"Safe enough," Harry replied. "And besides, this is the only way to do it."

Hermione gave him an unconvinced look he remembered well from school.

"We should be able to Apparate right into the Shack. I don't remember hearing anything about the wards being renewed," Harry said, packing up the few things he needed for the ritual. It was surprisingly simple, considering the nature of the magic. The only reason he'd included Hermione at all was as back up, in case something went wrong. "Ready?"

"I suppose."

"Let's go then." Harry Apparated into a downstairs room in the Shack, followed shortly by Hermione. A dark brown stain on the Floor caught his eye, and he shuddered as he realized what it was.

The ritual circle was simple to make, only a line delineating where Harry would cast the spell. He knelt down and began chanting. On the third repetition a silvery mist started to form around him, and by the time he finished the seventh chant, it had coalesced into a solid-looking ball in front of him.

Harry reached his wand out to touch the ball, and said, "I release you." The ball shattered, sending shards everywhere, before suddenly coalescing again. Though it wasn't a ball they formed. Harry collapsed to the floor under the sudden weight of...

"Snape?" he whispered, studying the man's face. "Why are you naked?"

"Oh, do shut up, Potter," Severus growled, sitting up. "It took you long enough to figure it out. Do you think I've enjoyed floating around in absolutely nothing for the past fourteen years?"

"Err... what?" Harry whispered, trying his hardest to look at only Severus' face.

Severus rolled his eyes and stood up. "I should be grateful it took only that long." He turned and caught sight of Hermione. "Begone, Miss Granger. Mister Potter needs to finish this ritual, and I for one don't want you here to witness it."

"Right." Hermione Apparated away quickly.

"Now, Mister Potter," Severus said, turning to Harry. Harry tried not to look, but Snape's hands on his hips were all but drawing an arrow, pointing to Severus' groin. "It's time to complete this."

"But how? The text didn't say anything about naked dead men suddenly appearing," Harry said, forcing his gaze up to Severus' face.

"You need to cement me to the physical world again. It's simple really. You'll have to bugger me."

Severus sat on the floor with a huff after Harry fainted. "And once again, I'm waiting for Potter," he growled to himself.

---

Author: eeyore9990
Story: How Harry Rescued a Reluctant Snape, Pissed Off the Wizengamot, and Got Laid for His Efforts
Blooper: Excerpt

In the darkened clearing in front of the house, [Harry] watched as the glowing image of his stag tossed its head and pranced in a display of aggression, hooves digging at the ground so fiercely that Harry wondered if there would be prints in the morning. Snape's Patronus stood perfectly still, its ghostly eyes the only thing to move as it watched Harry's stag's display. After a long moment, the stag approached the doe in a jerky, lunging manner before coming to a perfect halt directly in front of the doe.

The doe cocked its head to one side and slowly stretched out its neck, delicate nostrils flaring as it whuffled in the face of the stag.

"They don't really breathe, do they?" Harry asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the moment, though the entire episode made him slightly uncomfortable.

"Of course not, you dolt." Snape's voice, though biting, was no louder than his own had been.

Harry held his breath as the doe stepped forward, causing the stag to toss its head and shy back with a quiver of pale, gleaming muscle. The doe, emboldened, followed until the stag halted and waited, eyes rolling wildly. In a movement as beautiful as it was graceful, the doe slid its head along the stag's, rubbing down the long neck and under the belly between the fore and hind legs.

Harry licked his lips, unconsciously leaning forward as he watched the doe's glowing tongue poke out and slide sinuously over the low-hanging bollocks of Harry's stag—and how had he never before noticed that his Patronus possessed genitalia?!

He could almost feel the brush of the ghostly tongue on himself as his stag tossed its head and pushed its hindquarters toward the doe's seeking tongue. The doe moved then, and Harry gasped as he saw the long cock of his stag hanging half-way to the ground. The doe bared its teeth, nipping at the muscular haunches of the stag before circling stiffling around it.

Harry grasped frantically at the porch railing as the doe--Snape's doe--nosed under the stag's tail and pressed its nose against the stag's... err, well. It must have been Harry's stag's arse! Harry twisted his head to the side as he watched the doe's throat working...

"What's she doing?" he whispered, forgetting for the moment that he wasn't alone.

"My Patronus appears to be rimming your Patronus," Snape observed in a purely clinical sort of voice.

Harry leapt and turned, the "Sorry!" blurting out of him before he had so much as a chance to stop it.

Snape quirked one eyebrow. "For what?" he asked, his gaze travelling down Harry's body until it locked on his groin. A wicked smirk twisted his lips as he openly stared at Harry's bulging trousers.

Harry let out a small meep and quickly shielded himself from Snape's assessing gaze. His mouth opened and closed several times before he gave up on an explanation and simply shrugged, smiling weakly.

Rolling his eyes, Snape glanced back at the Patronuses. Scowling at what he saw, he sighed heavily and said, "She'll be mounting him any moment at this rate." He stepped forward into the clearing and cast an Aguamenti charm over the two Patronuses for several long minutes until, with what appeared to be great reluctance, they eventually broke apart.

Harry was quite sure he wasn't the only one who whimpered.

---

Author: dacro
Story: Act Five: Deconstruction of an Architect
Scene: Introducing Miss Granger

The door opened without announcement. I looked up from my work and froze at the sight before me. There stood Albus and Harry with young girl who looked wind-blown and more than a little cross with Harry for dragging her by the arm into the center of the room.

She was slender, however, judging from her cross-armed stance and her flushed-red face, she looked as if she could challenge a Spanish bull if one were ever to insult her.

"What is this?" I demanded of them.

"The day maid you wanted," Harry offered with hopeful smile.

"What?" she shrieked, spinning toward Harry.

I stared, astonished at the eruption. Harry's smile shifted to something uncertain, and he took an unsteady step away from her.

"You said he needed an amanuensis!" She accused, with a sharp nod in my direction.

Harry shrugged. "I thought that was a clever name for housemaid."

My gaze found Albus. "I'm not in the mood for entertainment. I have the Committee calling at noon."

Harry, rightly embarrassed, continued to inch toward the door while Albus watched the display with high interest, ignoring my glare with incredible skill.

"I'm smarter than I look," she said, flipping a section of untamed brown hair over her shoulder. "My handwriting is exemplary, and I hold an impressive vocabulary!"

"Can you also launder bed sheets?"

"Of course, I can!" she said proudly, taking a strong stance which displayed gritty knees under her too-short dress.

Albus coughed.

As if suddenly realizing she was being considered for employment, she amended, "Yes, sir. I can launder, as well as cook, make candles, sew..."

"Respectfully," Albus added over her growing list. "I ask you to perhaps consider her for both positions?"

"Albus, I have no wish to be hounded…"

"She's my good friend, sir," Harry said, detaching himself from the shadows. "She's cleverer than any girl I've ever met, and hard working too."

The girl gave a wide smile, revealing brilliantly white over-large teeth.

From that day on, my quiet house was filled with boisterous noises that became, with time, bearable. In exchange, I boasted the most orderly notes and ledgers of any other colleague, Albus had a new apprentice, and Harry acquired several new words which he would never care to learn the meanings for.

---

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