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snarrymod ([info]snarrymod) wrote in [info]snarry_games,
@ 2008-05-17 10:32:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:draconic_girl, entry, team dragon

TEAM DRAGON ENTRY: Draconic Girl "Acceptable Losses"
Title: Acceptable Losses
Author: [info]draconic_girl
Team: Dragon
Genre(s): Post-war
Prompt(s): Forgiveness & Hog's Head
Rating/Warnings/Kinks: R
Word Count: ~ 32 000
Summary: An unexpected sacrifice opens the doorway to a new life for Severus Snape.
A/N: Many thanks to my beta-readers: [info]babblinbrook42, [info]ivylady and [info]joanwilder. This story would not be here without your help! (With that said, any remaining mistakes are mine.) And a special thank you to my friend Silver, for her unwavering support. Silver, this one's for you! And many, many, thanks to [info]djin7 and the mods for arranging the Games.

I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed writing it!





"Acceptable Losses by Draconic Girl"


Don't forget to review!




Mod note: POLLS ARE NOW CLOSED. THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING IN THE SNARRY GAMES.

Mod note: If you rec this story, please link to this POST, not the story itself, or the author/team will not get their proper vote tally or feedback. Thank you.




Mod note: Due to the length of this story, we will not be posting another until tomorrow morning. Thank you!

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(Post a new comment)


[info]josan
2008-05-17 07:56 pm UTC (link)
"To new beginnings!" Albus echoed the sentiment. Who knew they would get on so well after the blighter had gotten himself killed? But then again, that was one more thing he had been right about, that they would only settle the argument by killing one of 'em.

Okay. I love, love, love Aberforth. I enjoyed the way you got a phoenix into the story (even if I am on the Other Team!)

And I truly enjoyed reading a story where Aberforth is more important than AD. 'Bout time!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-17 11:19 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]josan, 2008-05-18 02:15 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-06-05 10:57 am UTC

[info]belleamante
2008-05-17 10:12 pm UTC (link)
I'm busy tonight, but I can't wait to read this.

(Reply to this)


[info]sookail
2008-05-17 10:33 pm UTC (link)
Lovely. Happy!fic but not too fluffy. And I really, really like the idea of Snape being given a completely new chance, without being an outcast from the society or living like a Muggle etc. And Aberforth and his goats! And Harry sitting together with Teddy! (surprised about the last scene with Ginny, though, I cannot understand, why you found it necessary)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-17 11:11 pm UTC

[info]torino10154
2008-05-18 01:25 am UTC (link)
My favorite things in this are Aberforth (who totally rocks here and in canon) and Severus aged back to Harry's age-what a fun way to give him a second chance. The Prince backstory was a clever invention as well. Not to mention Charlie-yummy. Really sweet fic.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:05 pm UTC

[info]ivylady
2008-05-18 03:32 am UTC (link)
I was happy to see this story posted today because it meant that I had time to read it. I really wanted to see how the story came together.

I loved Aberforth. I liked his lingering dislike of Albus, especially, but also the way that he allowed Severus to live his life, even if he disagreed with his choices (e.g. having strange men up to his room).

Kieran/Severus was delightful, maintaining a lot of his character while embracing his new life. You made Harry into a man who makes his own decisions, and for that alone I would have liked this story. He figures out what he needs to do for himself, without pleasing the others around him.

Excellent, teammate! Dragons, ROAR!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:08 pm UTC

[info]joanwilder
2008-05-18 05:37 am UTC (link)
It's a lovely story, with so many elements that snagged me from the beginning: deaged Snape, Albus and Aberforth's ongoing estrangement and resolution, the back story to the Prince family, especially Adelaide, Harry's adventures with Sam, Andromeda and Teddy (especially Harry's love for the boy) and of course, the relationship that formed between Kiernan and Harry. You wove quite a story here, forgiveness on so many fronts, and the prominent role of Aberforth and the Hog's Head made the tale a unique and satisfying one. I just love that picture in my mind's eye of Harry and Snape, both the same age.

Great job, Dragon! Give us a ROAR!!!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:12 pm UTC

[info]telwyrd
2008-05-18 05:41 am UTC (link)
A most enjoyable story! I loved the themes of forgiveness and new beginnings in this tale. I was particularly pleased with Aberforth, who was such a good friend to Severus.

Snape, freed from the burdens and mistakes of his past, found some peace and happiness at last. Yeah!

Harry transitioned nicely into a more mature person.

All in all, this was a nicely crafted and highly satisfying story. Great job!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:18 pm UTC

[info]booffra
2008-05-18 06:02 am UTC (link)
I really liked that. I loved Aberforth and his interactions with Albus. Only thing, is that I can really see Harry screwing up in the future and calling Kieran by his real name at the worst possible time (ie: time of high stress and surrounded by a lot of others!), especially as he can't seem to get it consistently straight in his own mind.
Booffra.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]qzee, 2008-05-22 12:47 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:20 pm UTC

[info]whitestar
2008-05-18 07:19 am UTC (link)
Loved Aberforth and how Snape was revived by Fawkes back to his younger self. I like the idea of Harry and Severus talking a lot, getting to be friends first before moving on to something more serious. I didn't care for the characterization of a hysterical, jealous Ginny. Somehow I don't really see her as that type of person. I think she'd be more stoic. Patiently waiting to see if Harry changed his mind just like she did with Cho, and then when Harry didn't her heart would be broken but she'd survive. I think Ginny was the most difficult part for me to believe in this story.

I really liked that there was reconciliation and forgiveness at the end. I love happy endings :)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:25 pm UTC

[info]simons_flower
2008-05-18 07:28 am UTC (link)
This was one of the most novel ways I've seen to bring Snape back and you pulled it off brilliantly. (Well, and I have a soft spot for the name Jocelyn since it's my daughter's name.)

Poor Harry, though, in the series of revelations he goes through about his life. I think you rewarded him quite well with Kieran :)

Magnificent job!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:26 pm UTC

[info]galad222000
2008-05-18 07:31 am UTC (link)
Greatly enjoyed your story. Lovely use of Aberforth and AD and the phoenix. I've been into de-aging fics lately and loved how you got SS and HP together. Super job!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:28 pm UTC

[info]mac_tunes
2008-05-18 07:47 am UTC (link)
Love it! I'm quite partial to young!snape. But this is brilliant! you deal with Harry's insecurity so well and Snape's slight bitterness. And add to this mix is a few "funny" moments of both the Dumbledores meddlers. Lol! Thanks!

But please.... why do my *dirty* mind keeps thinking of something else when I spot "Hog's Head". *frowns so*

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:31 pm UTC

[info]meri_oddities
2008-05-18 11:03 am UTC (link)
Heh. Interesting, intriguing story. I loved the concept of younger!Severus. I also loved that he was given that second chance that he deserves. This is one of my favorite themes in HP these days. The whole second chance, younger Severus idea.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:36 pm UTC

[info]plantinshadows
2008-05-18 12:05 pm UTC (link)
nice story, though I prefer older and more in character Snape.
I love that Teddy's got a role in this story that exceeds bare mentioning.. I love Harry being a responsable godfather!!
to his condition: how come they only found out he was a werewolf that late? did he only transform then, and if yes why? or is the werewolf curse weaker in Teddy so he transforms only once a year?
love novel length stories!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:47 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]plantinshadows, 2008-05-27 01:42 pm UTC

[info]miriravan
2008-05-18 01:41 pm UTC (link)
I like the use of Aberforth here; he mostly seems to be either ignored or used as a vehicle for cheap goat jokes, so it's nice to see him actually developed as a character, with his own personality and agenda. And I can believe him and Snape being friends, irascible semi-outcasts as they both were.

I have a real soft spot for 'Snape gets a second chance at life' stories, so I was already primed to like this one, and I enjoyed the way you developed the theme. I also liked the relationship between Kieran and Harry, and especially the fact that while there was tension and misunderstanding, there wasn't a lot of heavy angst.

Nicely done.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:48 pm UTC

[info]gina87
2008-05-18 03:12 pm UTC (link)
Wow, really liked this one. Loved it that Harry couldn't stay at the Burrow and moved to Andromeda and Teddy...I love Harry/Teddy interactions but I don't see them often enough.
Oh, and I really liked your portrayal of Aberforth. It was really nice to see Severus have such a nice, carefree summer.

Really enjoyed it. Fantastic story!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:50 pm UTC

[info]vamp2puppy
2008-05-18 06:07 pm UTC (link)
I love reading De-aged Snape stories, and this one was great. I enjoyed it very much.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:51 pm UTC

[info]alisanne
2008-05-18 07:29 pm UTC (link)
I do love it when Snape gets a second chance (or even, as he sees it, a THIRD chance). This was a lovely way of making it happen (yay for those handy Phoenixes!).
I enjoyed protective Aberforth, who was well developed for a change, as well as getting a glimpse into Severus' family life. Severus' insights into being a student in his own house were interesting, I would have loved to have seen that fleshed out a bit more (but I do understand that the story was already pretty long, so this is prolly just me being greedy, LOL).
Overall this was a fun read, and as I am a fan of Severus de-aged stories, it read really fast. :)
Nice job!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:58 pm UTC

[info]carpet_diemon
2008-05-19 04:10 am UTC (link)
Loved the interaction between Aberforth and Albus; absolution all around!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 12:59 pm UTC

[info]maelwaedd
2008-05-20 01:41 am UTC (link)
I think this may be one of my favourite stories in the Games so far. I love it! Harry's coming of age was excellently written, I love Aberforth's involvement and support, I greatly enjoyed Albus being locked under the floorboards, and the jealous ex was very fitting. My favourite bit was how you managed to resurrect Severus, and his youth etc that came of that. The relationship was lovely, as was the trust. Excellent work!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 01:03 pm UTC

[info]synn
2008-05-20 03:05 am UTC (link)
Ah, I loved de-aged Severus stories. I love seeing snape getting the chance to have the things he didn't the first time around -- sleeping with Charlie because he wants to and he *can*. The exchanges between Portrait!Albus and his brother are well done -- nice to see that someone finally has the upped hand in conversations with Albus, even if it's only because now he's two-dimensional and can be shoved someplace out-of-the-way. : ) Also nice to see Severus and Harry regaining their feet, post-war, deaged or not, and learning how to deal with the rest of their lives. Sweet romance, thanks for sharing!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 01:04 pm UTC

[info]ziasudra
2008-05-20 04:06 am UTC (link)
I really liked how you used Aberforth in this story. And I love stories set in Hogwarts -- reading your fic reminded me once again how much I miss the magical setting of the castle and the familiar pacing of a school year passing by. Loved the fact that Snape got to start over as his teenaged self, especially with Harry as his friend this time around. I had fun reading this. Thanks!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 01:06 pm UTC

[info]keyairreem
2008-05-20 01:25 pm UTC (link)
FANTASTIC!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 01:05 pm UTC
Great ideas here
[info]cara-chapel.livejournal.com
2008-05-20 03:05 pm UTC (link)
I don't usually comment on stories at all. However, as a college composition professor, I have some constructive criticism for you. You're so good already that it's worth the chance my concrit won't be received well.

You have great ideas, a very vivid imagination, and a nice grasp of characters. I particularly like your idea about Fawkes' sacrifice and your use of Aberforth.

You show skill at expressing your ideas, but there are a couple of issues in your writing that are holding you back from being your best.

1. I think you would benefit from changing your verb choice. If you cut back on your use of being verbs (is, was, were, and other variants of "to be"); it will eliminate wordiness and make your prose flow more smoothly, as well as making it more exciting.

For example, compare:

"Harry was sitting at the table. He had finished his breakfast long ago, but he hadn't left the room. Thoughts of dreams and the letter were occupying his mind, now that Molly had left him to it"

to a possible revision:

"Harry sat at the table without leaving the room for a long time after finishing his breakfast. His worries occupied his mind, now that Molly had left him to it."

You get the same ideas using most of the same words, but it's tighter and you get more punch per word. The change also improves rhythm; if you make it, you'll find your sentence structures growing more varied and less choppy. There are many effective ways you can reduce your use of being verbs. Given how good a writer you are, I know you can find a great one of your own.

(By the way, the helping verb "had" can become awkward too if you use it frequently when you're putting being verbs into the past tense; try not to overuse that construction. This should resolve itself if you reduce the number of being verbs you use.)

2. Polish your sentence punctuation. Most importantly, you need to eliminate run-on sentences. Be careful in looking for places where you need to use a sentence-ending mark, such as a period or question mark, instead of a comma:

Instead of:

"What could Ginny reply to that, she loved her family, and she knew how much family meant to Harry."

try:

"What could Ginny reply to that? She loved her family, and she knew how much family meant to Harry."

You get your semicolons right most of the time, but don't let run-on sentences slip past you.

3. Work on showing (using concrete images), not just telling (using abstract or general words), your story. Here's a passage in which you tell several of things you could show, and as a result, the content loses a lot of its potential to impact the reader:

"No, he had been forced to entertain himself with far less desirable people with repulsive personalities to match their bodies until he'd decided to stop doing it entirely. But those thoughts were very far away at the moment as he felt Charlie fingering his entrance."

What you lose in length if you reduce your use of being verbs, you can pick up by adding more show to your tell. A good beta won't presume to rewrite your story for you, but just for the sake of example, I will give a brief possible interpretation of that passage, with some "show" rather than all "tell:"

"Severus shuddered, remembering the repulsive personalities and bodies he'd experienced: Lucius's love for making his partners scream and beg for death, the loathsome scent of Voldemort's corpse-like skin as Severus knelt to receive his favors: sickly-sweet with rot, like the breath out of a grave.... Charlie's finger slid across his entrance, jolting him back to the land of the living."

Good as you are, I'd love to see you get even better. A tough grammar beta can help you with these things.

I'm genuinely sorry if you're upset by this comment. It's my intention to help you, not attack you, though I'm aware that some people prefer not to get concrit and may regard it as an attack, or may simply find it irrelevant. If you dislike concrit and you're having fun, by all means continue to enjoy writing as you write. That's the most important thing. :-)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Great ideas here - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 01:37 pm UTC

[info]bluemoondreamer
2008-05-20 03:46 pm UTC (link)
I think my favorite part - aside from what everyone else has already said - is that you turned Teddy into a werewolf!

Now, I know it is a horrible condition for a baby to have to live with, but there are some v. interesting ways an author can make it easier for him (esp. with his mother's metamorph ability ;).

I am curious to hear more about your Teddy's condition (how he changes, when he changes, why his condition showed up over a year after he was born....).

Overall, great story!! I was hooked from the beginning. Thanks!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(no subject) - [info]draconic_girl, 2008-05-27 01:40 pm UTC

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