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Tweak says, "Short bus special."

snarrymod (snarrymod) wrote in snarry_games,
@ 2008-04-27 10:37:00

Entry tags:

amand_r, entry, team dragon

TEAM DRAGON ENTRY: Amand_r "The (Un)Professional"
Title: The (Un)Professional
Author: amand_r
Team: Dragon
Genres: Postwar, Humor/Crackfic
Prompt: Anniversary
Ratings/Warnings/Kinks: Rated NC-17. *Contains graphic violence. Oh, and some canonically dead people are not so very much dead. Is that a warning?*
Word Count: 42,363
Summary: "Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go to your Hogwarts reunion, and they want you to delete someone while you're there."
A/N: This is a "frusion" of Harry Potter and the film Grosse Pointe Blank. One need not have seen the film to read the story, but if you have, you will note key similarities and some cribbed dialogue. And one Shawn of the Dead reference (possibly my favorite bit), along with a modified Monty Python line. Credits at the end of the ~~film~~ story. Also (Also?! Geez!), this is AU for pretty much obvious reasons.
Credits: Thanks to jadzialoveand joanwilder for the spectacular betas. Late at night. In teh dark. With your mom.

"The (Un)Professional by Amand_r"

Don't forget to review!

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Mod note: Due to the length of this story, we will not be posting another until tomorrow morning. Thank you.

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josan
2008-04-28 01:21 pm UTC (link)

Okay. What freaked me out with the first page was the gunware. OMG! I must remember to contact you if I ever need gun info.

(I wanted to get back to you last night, but, unfortunately Real Life stuck its head into that plan.)

Lines that I loved from the story:

That was a complete lie. He didn't trust Ron, but that was because he knew Ron knew what he did for a living, and he knew that Ron knew that he knew, and then, well all those knews became knotted and suddenly his life was a deliberately intricate Monty Python sketch. And it probably ended with bloody stumps. All the best Monty Python sketches involved something dying or already dead.

Ah, shades of The Holy Grail!

Ollivander sighed. "Black market wands are as unreliable in their construction as they are in their origins. Most black market wands are shoddily constructed with substandard materials in factories in Taiwan.

Poor Ollivander! Competition from Asia! LOL!

And the headset made him feel like a super spy.

LOL! Yeah, it would. Harry, assassin and still partly a child.

The howler shorted the wiring to the CPU," she said curtly, probably because she thought he had just told her to shut up. "I had to replace the keyboard and the power cables. And I lost three levels in Diablo II."

Ah, Dresden has that kind of trouble as well. But the Diablo loss is far more important, eh!

"I'M NOT YOUR ALIENIST!" Phineas shouted.

OMG! Am passing this on to my sister the shrink! (But you have to feel for poor Phineas. Locked into his portrait so that Harry can force him to listen to his dreams...even if...In fact, his weekly 'sessions' with Potter were possibly some of the most entertaining sources of schadenfreude he'd experienced since the night Dumbledore had got drunk in his office and fallen face-first into a bowl full of Licorice Snaps.)

Now that is a story I'd really like to read!

Neville saw him first, and through the barrage of manly handshakes and hugs, Harry tried to remind himself repeatedly that he wasn't being embraced for a knifing or grabbed for a deadly Mongolian wrestling match. The former was an old trick, and the latter a remnant of a horrifying experience involving a sumo wrestler named Okura.

You know, you are really very mean. You drop these hints of previous hits and leave us wonder what the hell was going on.

"And then imagine that same older man coming home from his extremely stressful and unfulfilling job to find that his lover of over a year has decided to leave without taking anything."

From the get-go, you had me in Snape's pocket. But when I read this, I found myself hoping that the as-yet-unknown hit was to be on Harry himself.

Hermione opened one eye and turned her head minutely to look at Ron, before closing her eye again and half smiling. "Curses. Foiled again."

OMG! I snickered when I read Hermione's response. But it's been driving me crazy all evening. Where the hell does that come from?

Snape replaced the stopper in the decanter and picked it up, along with his glass. Harry noted that he had never even retrieved a second glass for Harry. "How very monastic of you." Snape motioned to a chair on the opposite side of the sitting room. "Have a seat. I think they were your chairs anyway."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bitter or what! That crack about "your chairs"...OUCH!

"Why don't Dark wizards ever stay dead?"
"I think they're in a union," she said breezily. Sometimes Harry was too easy.

Well, it is obvious that the brains of this organisation is not Harry!

Harry stared at him dully. "You did not just quote Lavender Brown at me."

Dumbledore's face reddened slightly. "Quite without thinking about it. Thank goodness Phineas isn't here; I would never hear the end of it."

OMG! LOL!

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TWEAK is making me post this in TWO!

josan
2008-04-28 01:22 pm UTC (link)

"I'd like to close the doors and set the place on fire."

"So, a drink, then?"

They really do belong together, don't they? How they read each other so easily!

"You're not the Ministry!" Snape shouted, one of his hands crunching the papers in a vice grip. "And even if you were, this isn't the war." He dropped the paper on the table and stalked to the door, away from Harry. "No one made you a murderer, you know," he said over his shoulder as he opened the door to the inner chamber. "You made yourself one."

Sigh. Makes you wonder why Severus still wants Harry!

He waved Snape up the stairs with his wand hand. Snape complied, but only after he'd grabbed the weapons case. "So there I was, three months ago in the back room of some filthy bar in Toronto, getting one of the worst blowjobs in the history of oral sex, when I thought about the last time I'd had a good blowjob."

Toronto? Harry has his epiphany in TORONTO! OMG! (Sad shake of head: you nearly lost me there. Toronto the Good? Sheesh! Next thing, you'll have the Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup!)

The glamour around Confidential faded from the feet up, and Harry wiped his brow with the back of his hand, watching as the last of the gray dissolved and he was left with a figure in a pink track suit with racing stripes down the legs. He followed the line of the body up to the head and stared dumbly into the dead eyes of Dolores Umbridge. A small locket around her neck glittered with the movements of a gilded kitten.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE!!! OMG! THAT came totally out of left field! I was thinking Severus himself...until the attack. But DU!? Never even crossed my mind. (Bravo!)

Of all of the shocking things today," Harry said finally, "that was the biggest." He nodded at the gun.

Me too. WOW! I had begun to think that Severus would have to come to the rescue once more, but with a gun? Nope. No way!

"Really, Harry, I've been hated by more than one faction of the Wizarding world for over twenty years. Do you think I'd be completely unprepared?" Snape released the magazine and pulled it out, looking at the remaining bullets inside.

Yep. Ever ready. Severus knows his world far too well.

Harry ejected the magazine and examined it. "It's automatic."

"Twelve hundred rounds a minute," Snape replied, almost stopping short when Harry glanced at him.

Harry stared at him dully. "I love you."

Snape took the gun from him. "You can't have it," he said,

LOL! And he knows his Harry far too well. Great exchange!

Your LATER and the EVEN LATER are nothing but lines that I adore!

The whole story was a hoot. I have to tell you that I really appreciated the way Ron appears in this. If the other characters grow and mature (well, Luna is still nevertheless Luna), then Ron has to as well. And frankly, he is scarey. If it had turned out that Confidential was Harry, I truly believed that Ron would have killed him. He'd mourn afterwards, but he would kill him.

Really pleased I printed this out. My bedtime binder is growing thicker.

BTW: I've never seen this movie. Must, now.

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Re: TWEAK is making me post this in TWO!

amand_r
2008-04-28 03:21 pm UTC (link)

I'm REALLY glad that you liked this, despite never having seen the film. I tried to make it so that even if you hadn't seen the film, the story was easy to follow. I'm sure people who haven't seen it think that they're missing something, but to be honest, they aren't. Seeing the film only makes some of the funny things funnier, or at least I hope.

I think I love this Ron. I'm going to write him into another story now.

Thank you again!

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amand_r
2008-04-28 03:14 pm UTC (link)

OMG Thank you so much for commenting!

OMG! I snickered when I read Hermione's response. But it's been driving me crazy all evening. Where the hell does that come from? I don't actually know where thius comes from. It's kind of standard here. I am sure it's from some sort of melodramatic villain versus hero drama.

Ah, Dresden has that kind of trouble as well. But the Diablo loss is far more important, eh!

Harry Dresden has so many more problems than any Harry Potter hero, before breakfast.

I'm glad you liked it! Yay!

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dswdiane 2008-04-28 03:31 pm UTC (link)
	"Curses, foiled again" comes from Snidely Whiplash appearing in Dudley Do-Right cartoons on "Rocky and Bullwinkle." Just in case you really wanted to know. The story was fun. "Grosse Pointe Blanke" is one of my favorite movies. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	amand_r 2008-04-28 04:12 pm UTC (link)
	So I was right! A melodrama. Thanks, Diane. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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