Severus Snape (ensnared_senses) wrote in snark_n_bark, @ 2008-04-05 18:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | complete, gaius, remus, serenus, severus, tybalt |
Love Potion #9
Characters: Severus, Remus, Serenus, Tybalt, Gaius, Ethelenda, Lurch
Summary: A botched potion has unexpected side effects on Lurch.
Note: This scene is set the day before the Order Meeting.
Severus peered down into his cauldron and glared at the contents as if they were deliberately attempting to thwart him. The cloying scent of roses wafted up, making him wrinkle his nose in disgust, and he lifted a ladle full of bilious pink liquid that was not the batch of Pouting Paste it was supposed to be. He had no idea how or why the brew had turned into a love potion - he recognized it as one of the milder variants, the kind that usually floated around Hogwarts every Valentine's Day - but it had, and this was the second damned time.
He was about to banish the abhorrent mess when the thought occurred to him that this might be connected to the other magical mishaps; he hadn't experienced any magical failures until now, but perhaps his luck had run out. Scowling, he scrawled a note to Remus and sent it flying to him; yelling for Remus would have been more satisfying, but he wasn't certain where in the house Remus was, and he didn't want to risk not being heard.
The note found Remus in the nursery, just settling Gaia down for her nap. It smacked him in the head, which didn't hurt, although it did startle him into almost dropping Gaia's stuffed dragon. He placed the toy down carefully before reaching out to take the hovering note, which practically quivered with indignation, having little doubt who had sent it.
Of course it was Severus, and if handwriting could look annoyed this definitely did. Remus chuckled, then peeked to make sure all three children were settled down before leaving the nursery, closing the door behind him softly. He headed down to Severus' workroom in the cellar, peering into the room from the safety of the doorway before entering. It was always best to make certain there were no imminent explosions about to occur, either of the potion or Snapean variety.
He wrinkled his nose as he entered, the sweet smell almost sickening to his lupine nose. "Ugh, that's a bit strong, isn't it?" he asked, crossing to stand beside Severus, peering down into the gooey looking pink mess in the cauldron. "What is it?"
"That," Severus said, his nostrils flaring with indignation, "is a love potion." The words were spoken in the same sort of tone that he might have spoken of something he had found stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
"Oh." Remus blinked, wondering why Severus was so irritated with his creation. He cocked his head to one side. "Er... planning on a date for someone?"
"No." Severus folded his arms across his chest, his expression quelling. "It should be a batch of Pouting Paste. Somehow, a recipe that I have brewed countless times has spontaneously turned into that-" He pointed at the offending brew with an accusatory finger. "-twice."
"Oh." It was all Remus could think to say for the moment, as he peered into the cauldron again, then looked back at Severus rather pensively. "So... your magic is off, too, it seems." He slid an arm around Severus' waist, giving a sigh of commiseration. "I'm not quite sure what to tell you, love, other than I'm sure it will get better at some point. I hope. In the meantime... um... can you sell it? Or is it best just to toss it out and maybe try again tomorrow?"
Severus' lip curled in a sneer, but he was practical at heart, and as little as he liked the thought of bottling and placing that pink goop on the shelves, he supposed he could market it as a limited time item. Waste not, want not, he thought.
"I suppose I could sell it. There is nothing wrong with it, except that it isn't what it's meant to be," he said grudgingly. "I will try again tomorrow nonetheless."
"That's the spirit." Remus craned up to kiss Severus' cheek, then nuzzled his nose against Severus' ear, hoping to coax his mate out of his annoyance. "Might as well let someone get some use out of it, since we certainly don't need it, right? So, do you have the right bottles for it? Seems to me it calls for something red and vaguely phallic looking."
"Perhaps I shall call Gaius over and have him Transfigure some for me," Severus replied, mollified enough to slide one arm around Remus' waist and bend to accommodate the nuzzling. At least Remus hadn't suggested pink heart-shaped bottles, which would have sent Severus into an apoplectic attack.
"I suspect he'll be happy to help, especially if we offer him dinner and time cuddling his nieces and nephew," Remus said. He looked at the potion again, wrinkling his nose. "Why don't we cover that up, and I'll go call Gaius? We didn't have any plans for this evening, right?"
"No, nothing that can't be deferred until bedtime," Severus said with a smirk. He moved away from Remus and fetched the cauldron lid, settling it in place and turning off the heat beneath the cauldron. "There. Let's find my brother and put him to work. It's time he did his part for the family business anyway."
"Quite right! Let's do it." Remus caught up Severus' hand and pulled him toward the door. "We can invite Serenus and Tybalt, too, if you'd like, so that we can have an audience for Gaius' induction into Alchemy and Ecstasy. What do you think we should make for dinner? Spaghetti? A roast? I could go fetch Chinese food, even, if you have a yen for shark fin soup."
Twining his fingers with Remus', Severus allowed himself to be led away. "Yes, we might as well have the entire family over. Let's make spaghetti together. I would like to make something that works before the day is over. I'll have Lurch come down here and clean up the workroom while we take over the kitchen." Besides, it had been too long since they had cooked together, and he was in the mood for some domesticity.
"Sounds like a plan - if you really do trust me anywhere near a pot and a spoon." They started up the stairs, and at the top, Remus stopped. "Why don't you find Lurch and get started on the sauce, and I'll contact your brothers?"
"Very well." Severus bent to brush a swift kiss to Remus' cheek; he must have breathed in too many fumes from the potion and it turned him soppy, he thought with a little grumble as he turned his steps toward the kitchen. "I will see you in the kitchen shortly."
Remus gave a little hum of pleasure at the kiss, pleased with Severus' show of affection. He watched as Severus walked away, admiring the sway of Severus' hips until his mate was out of sight. Then he turned and made his way to the parlor to make his calls.
Ten minutes later, he made his way to the kitchen, walking up behind Severus and wrapping his arms around Severus' waist from behind. "Gaius, Serenus, and Tybalt will be over in an hour. Gaius is bringing the wine. Serenus and Tybalt are bringing dessert and Ethelenda. Hope you don't mind, but you and she seem to get along all right."
"Yes, we do," Severus agreed.
He had sent Lurch down to the catacombs to tidy up the workroom in order to give himself and Remus some space in the kitchen, which was usually Lurch's domain. It had been a long time since they'd had to do their own cooking unless they wanted to for some reason, but Severus enjoyed cooking a meal once in a while. He had begun making the sauce, adding spices with care since they would have a guest who knew more about Italian cooking than he did.
He leaned back against Remus, giving a little hum of contentment; the cozy domesticity was a nice reminder of their early days together. "Why don't you cook the noodles?" he suggested, giving a little wriggle before turning his attention back to the sauce. "I have the sauce in hand."
Remus couldn't help running his hands over Severus' chest, then lower, playfully straying to naughty areas before he stepped back with a sigh of regret. "Well if you want me to make long, hard things go limp, so be it," he drawled. He crossed to the cabinet to remove the box of pasta, then fetched a pot from the cupboard. Soon he was back at Severus' side, waiting for the water to boil and grinning wickedly as he nibbled on a strand of the dry noodles.
Severus glanced sidelong at Remus, one eyebrow raised. "I do want you to make long, hard things go limp in and out of the kitchen," he replied. "For now, it will have to be the noodles. Later, it can be something else."
He finished seasoning the sauce and let it simmer for a few minutes before spooning up some and holding it out for Remus to taste. "Here, try this."
"Later... I can hardly wait," Remus replied with a smirk, already looking forward to the private dessert they would enjoy together later. Obediently he parted his lips, making a sensual show of tasting the sauce, running his tongue over his lips to remove the last bits of sauce. "Very, very good. Subtle, spicy, rich and decadent." His voice was low and husky, his eyes rivted on Severus' face. "Oh, and the sauce isn't bad, either."
Smirking, Severus swooped in and claimed Remus' lips, swiping his tongue across and between them to steal a mingled taste of Remus and the sauce. "Not bad at all," he purred, biting lightly at Remus' bottom lip. "Perhaps we should consider alternate plating methods to present its fullest flavor." He drew back and regarded Remus with a wicked look. "You don't mind being spread naked on the dining room table, do you?"
Remus moaned against Severus' lips, his breath catching at the feel of Severus' teeth on his sensitive flesh. He pressed against Severus' body, enjoying the long, lean form of his mate. "Were it just your brothers and Tybalt, I wouldn't mind," he replied, eyes gleaming at Severus' naughty suggestion. "But Ethelenda might be... well, not shocked, I don't think, any more than her mother. But women... you know how I feel about that."
"Indeed I do." Severus licked a dab of sauce from the corner of Remus' mouth before stepping back; if he kept this up, the food would never get done - although Remus certainly would. "Fortunately, we will have enough sauce for a private tasting later. Now then - do we wish to provide bread or will this be enough? The sauce only needs to simmer, so we have time to prepare bread or even a salad."
The water began to boil, but it took a few moments for it to register; Remus was too busy breathing heavily and wondering if they had enough time for an "appetizer" before their guests arrived. He decided, with regret, that they didn't.
"Bread would be nice," he replied, dropping the spaghetti into the water and stirring it with a big wooden spoon. "There's a loaf in the cupboard. Salad if you want it. Just let me get these noodles done, and I'll start on it."
"Yes, I believe so." Severus put a lid on his sauce and went to fetch the loaf of bread, and he set about slicing it, buttering it, and seasoning it with garlic. "We have special guests, so we should make a little extra effort." They hadn't entertained Ethelenda at the manor before although they had socialized with her at Azoth House, and he wanted to make a good impression since he did rather like Tybalt's mother. "This is rather like the old days," he remarked.
Remus gave his mate a sidelong smile. "Yes, it is, isn't it? Back when we lived at the cottage. A simpler time, in a way, when it was just the two of us." He turned down the heat until the noodles were just simmering, then moved toward the cold box. He stopped by the table to run a finger along Severus' cheekbone. "These are good times now, but those were good times, too, weren't they? We should do this more often, I think."
"Agreed," Severus replied, leaning into the touch. "It isn't necessary to go out to have a special evening. Simplicity has its benefits as well."
He finished preparing the bread and put it in the oven to bake, then turned to lean against the counter and watch Remus prepare the salad. He liked watching Remus doing everyday tasks, liked the graceful movements of Remus' hands, and this evening was proving to be a needed reminder to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures in their lives.
Remus cut and chopped vegetables, the awareness of Severus' eyes on him making him tingle pleasantly. Severus was right: doing things like this would be just as pleasant as going out to a four star restaurant dressed in clothing that cost more than Remus had made in his entire life before getting published. Perhaps he had lost sight of that in enjoying the things he'd never had before, in indulging Severus in every way he could imagine. They'd been just as happy before all that, and he was reminded keenly of the simple things he'd done when he'd been wooing Severus. It gave him ideas, and he smiled at Severus, a slow, secretive smile, as he made mental plans for more "simplicity" in the future, when they were alone and not expecting guests.
"There, that'll do, don't you think?" he asked after he placed the vegetables in a bowl, retrieving the salad tongs and giving the whole thing a quick toss. It took but a moment to wash his hands and dry them on a dishtowel, then he moved back to Severus, wrapping his arms around him, his amber eyes warm with love. "We work well together. Very well indeed."
Severus slid his arms around Remus in return, regarding him with a raised eyebrow; the secretive smile boded well, since it usually meant Remus was Getting Naughty Ideas, which always turned out well for Severus. He decided not to ask, since he knew whatever Remus was thinking about would be revealed sooner or later. Instead, he nodded agreement. "We do complement each other rather well," he said. "Then again, I suppose after several years together, it's only natural that we should have rubbed off the sharp edges and settled into a good fit."
"We've rubbed off quite a few things, I think," Remus drawled, lowering his hands to Severus' arse and groping shamelessly. "And I'm looking forward to many, many more years of it. You can be sure that when we reach our fiftieth anniversary, I'll still be as eager to jump your bones as I am now. Not as spry at it, no doubt, but every bit as desperate to do it as I am now."
"Can I watch, then?" asked a voice from the door, and Remus looked up in surprise to find Gaius lounging against the doorframe, obviously enjoying the sight of their embrace.
Gaius' lips twitched with amusement, and he held up the wine bottle. "Obviously you two don't need anything to help you relax. Should I leave and come back in fifteen... no, make that thirty minutes?"
"I thought you wanted to watch," Severus retorted, aiming a glare of mild annoyance at his younger brother for interrupting, but it was only a mild one since they had invited Gaius, and he did want to put Gaius to work later.
A "mild glare" from Severus had all the power of a full blow scowl from most people, but fortunately, Gaius was used to his brother's expressions. "I'll happily watch, but I wouldn't want to impede your performance," he replied, straightening from the wall and crossing to where they stood. He passed the bottle to Remus along with a kiss on the cheek, then craned up to kiss Severus lightly on the lips. "Oh, who am I kidding. You two would shag in front of an entire Quidditch stadium full of students without shame. Wouldn't that be quite an education for them!"
"Hmph." Severus bent slightly to accept the kiss. "They might indeed learn something to help improve their awkward adolescent fumblings, which could only be an improvement." He disengaged from the embrace with reluctance and moved to the oven to check his bread. "So much for your show," he said as he grabbed an oven mitt and set about removing the bread and plating it. "The food is almost ready, and the others will be here soon. You won't get to see anything educational tonight."
"Too bad," Gaius replied regretfully, then heaved a dramatic sigh. "Well, in that case, what can I do to help with dinner? Set the table?"
"Ha, a volunteer!" Remus grinned, putting the bottle of wine on the counter and turning to take a stack of plates from the cabinet. "Silverware in the drawer, napkins in the sideboard in the dining room. Oh, and don't forget wine glasses."
"I didn't know I was volunteering for indentured servitude!" Gaius complained.
"Oh, hush, do you want some cheese with that whine?"
"Little brothers only exist to be ordered around." Severus cast a warming spell on the bread before returning to the stove to check on his sauce, giving Gaius a haughty look along the way. "Ask Cymbeline."
"Or me," Serenus chimed in as he entered the kitchen, making a beeline to bestow kisses on Severus, Gaius, and Remus in turn. "I completely agree. What's the use in having a little brother unless you can torture him and order him around?"
"Precisely," Severus agreed.
"Poor me, I get left out of all the fun, since I don't have a brother," Tybalt said as he followed in Serenus' wake. He held a box in his arms. "I do, however, have chocolate cake. Perhaps I'll just have to eat it all in a fit of depression over not having anyone to boss around.
"Oh hush, you great baby," Ethelenda scolded her son. She didn't even reach his shoulder, but that didn't stop her from lifting a hand to smack him on the back of the head. "I only had one child because you were so big, I didn't think there'd be room for another."
Moving past Tybalt, Ethelenda smiled at Remus, then held out her hand to Severus. "It's good to see you again! It's been too long, Severus. I hope things are going well. Umm... perhaps I should say I hope they're going as well as can be expected, given the difficulties we're all encountering."
Severus clasped her hand and shook it, not minding as much as he usually did when non-family members wanted to touch him. "I have had a mishap today with a potion, but the family cemetery has been quiet, at least. We have not faced our own zombie invasion here."
"You can have Gaius," Serenus said, giving Tybalt a teasing grin. "Severus and I will share. Won't we, Severus?"
"By all means, take him." Severus waved one hand in Gaius' direction. "Although if we are going on strict chronology, Tybalt would be the youngest."
"Hey, I don't want to be picked on," Tybalt complained, rubbing his head where his mum had smacked him. "Come on, Gaius, I think we're the targets. I'll help set the table."
Tybalt and Gaius moved off to the dining room, and Remus returned to the stove, turning off the heat and carrying the pasta to the sink so that he could drain it. "I'm very glad we've not had our cemetary emptying itself into the house," he said. "The hurricane was bad enough; a storm of decaying Snapes would be a bit much even for us."
"I hope the potion mishap wasn't serious," Ethelenda said, inclining her head at Severus. "You look fine, though. Definitely more masculine than when you were pregnant, too. Somehow Serenus, even as big as he got, didn't seem to look quite so ethereal as you did."
Severus gave a little amused snort at that. "If you want to see how masculine, you should touch my arm sometime," he said, flexing his bicep slightly. Since resuming his exercise regime, he had managed to work off his baby weight, and he looked and felt fit again. "However, I have less of a problem with appearing androgynous than Serenus does, and I enhanced it during my pregnancy when I could." He cast a mildly disdainful look at Serenus. "He has issues with masculinity and hates being feminized, even a little."
"I have less of an issue with it than I used to," Serenus protested, but he wasn't offended by Severus' remarks, since they were nothing but the simple truth, and he couldn't deny it. "I don't enjoy wearing cosmetics or dresses like you do, though. Carrying children is about as far as I'll go when it comes to androgyny, much less feminization."
"Oh, very nice," Ethelenda said approvingly, squeezing Severus' bicep. Then she stepped back and grinned, looking uncannily like her son for a moment. "I'm surrounded by muscular men. What more could I ask? I like being around the pretty boys as much as my own mother, and I certainly inherited myself a pack of them when my Tybalt found you, Serenus."
"There can never be too many Snapes," Remus agreed happily. He dumped the pasta into a bowl. "So, shall we just take the pot and put it on the table and eat family style? No sense standing on ceremony." He reached out to give Severus' bicep a squeeze of his own. "Mmmm... maybe all the Snapes should eat shirtless. I think that would make me very hungry."
"The question is what it would make you hungry for," Serenus said with a playful grin. "I've no problem with the shirtless edict, but I insist Tybalt be included as well."
Drawing his wand, Severus levitated the pot of sauce and the plate of garlic bread. "Family style suits me," he said. "I thought it was against the rules of etiquette to appear in a state of undress at the dining table, however."
"I suppose we can leave the undressing for after." Ethelenda lifted her chin and managed to look surprisingly prim and proper, even though her blue eyes danced with amusement. She took Serenus' arm. "My son-in-law can escort me in to dinner."
Remus nodded. "After would be fine. Shall we, Severus?" He started toward the dining room, keeping a bit of an eye on the levitating pot; with magic being as odd as it was lately, he wanted to be prepared to catch it if something went wrong.
Severus hooked his free arm through Remus' as they walked to the dining room with Serenus and Ethelenda following along behind; the dishes arrived without mishap, and once all the food was settled on the table, Severus took his place at the head of the table.
"Tuck in," he said, gesturing at the food. "No need to stand on ceremony here."
Serenus held out a chair for Ethelenda and waited until she was seated before taking a place himself. "It all looks very good. Thank you for inviting us."
"Thank you," Ethelenda said as she sat down, then waited for the others to take their seats. Then she reached for the pasta and served up a moderate portion onto her plate before passing the bowl along to Gaius on her left. "It smells wonderful. I'm sure Tybalt will tell you I'm not as good a cook as he is."
"Now, mum, I wouldn't say that," Tybalt replied. "You make some things well. Er.... Like, um..."
"The perfect memory fails?" Remus asked, raising a brow, then he snickered. "More likely you've developed a sudden case of tact."
"Now, now, Tybalt can be charming," Gaius chimed in, pointing at his brother-in-law with his fork. "Or at least I assume so, or Serenus wouldn't have married him."
"Well..." Serenus glanced at Tybalt, his eyes alight with mischief. "I'm not sure how much I can vouch for his charm when he managed to ruffle my feathers on our very first meeting, but he's redeemed himself considerably since then. Yes, I would say he can be charming, but he has other attributes that captured my attention as well."
Severus smirked knowingly, and Serenus gave him an aggrieved look. "I was thinking about his patience and compassion," Serenus said.
"Of course you were," Severus replied, still smirking.
Gaius perked up at that, giving Tybalt a considering look, while Remus snickered again. "Down, boy," Remus cautioned Gaius.
Tybalt squirmed, his face flushing, which looked rather alarming with his hair. Ethelenda laughed, and Tybalt tried to sink through the floor.
"Mum!" he choked out, giving Serenus a desperate look of appeal. "Can I please vanish now?"
Serenus reached out and stroked Tybalt's arm soothingly. "All right, we'll talk about something - or someone - else. I'd suggest Severus, but he's impossible to shame or embarrass." His smile turned wicked. "Although you certainly don't have anything to be ashamed of, love."
Tybalt made a strangled sound, then looked down at his plate and began to eat, not looking at any of them. How else was he going to make it through this dinner when they seemed determined to discuss his 'attributes' in front of his mother?
"Maybe we should change the subject," Remus said, feeling a twinge of remorse for the teasing. He glanced over at Ethelenda. "So, have you had any problems with your magic? Seems as though all of us have."
"A bit, yes," she replied, then sighed softly. "Small things, mostly, since I don't tend to use my magic very much. But I will say I'm rather tired of washing the clothes by hand. The last few times I've tried spells, I've ended up with some rather charming doll dresses."
"At least you've not ended up with ears and a tail from another species," Gaius said. Then he give a private smile. "Although that wasn't necessarily all bad."
"Enough!" Severus held up one hand, grimacing. "No details, no following up. I do not want to know."
"Spoilsport," Serenus said mildly, giving Gaius a conspiratorial wink. He knew quite well how inhibiting Severus' attitude about Sirius could be and how difficult it made things for Gaius sometimes, and he wanted to offer a little solidarity. "We haven't had anything like storms or zombies at our house, just a few minor annoyances here and there."
Gaius' look at Serenus was grateful, but he decided to let any subject pertaining to Sirius remain unspoken, so as not to irritate Severus. "That's very fortunate for you. As you can imagine, Hogwarts has been inundated with chaos. Minerva actually has forbidden all but necessary spell casting for the time being. The students are causing enough damage in the classrooms, she's worried that they'll manage to flood the dungeons or crash Gryffindor Tower if they aren't careful. We're having a staff meeting tomorrow, actually. I imagine that she'll be suggesting blanket suppression fields for vulnerable areas."
"That would make sense," Tybalt said, daring to raise his head again now that the subject seemed to be on safer ground. "Not as good for education, but safer."
"Definitely!" Remus frowned, wondering if he ought to offer his services to help Minerva. He could well imagine that they all had their hands full. "In fact, I wonder if... Yes, Lurch?"
Remus broke off as the hulking, grey-skinned butler entered the dining room. If his eyes weren't deceiving him, Remus could have sworn there was something suspiciously like a flush on Lurch's cheeks. He moved no more quickly than normal, lumbering toward the table; then he stopped in his tracks, eyes wide as he focussed on the person on Remus' left.
Ethelenda.
Severus was about to tell Lurch that they didn't need him to serve or clear away dinner and that he could have the night off, but Severus noticed Lurch's sudden fixation on Ethelenda, and he frowned, puzzled. Lurch had never seemed particularly interested in any of their guests before. Then the big man's craggy features softened, and Severus found himself deeply unsettled by what could only be called a soppy look on Lurch's face. The red hearts popping over Lurch's head were all but visible.
"Lurch?" Serenus asked hesitantly, also appearing a little disconcerted by Lurch's unexpected fascination. "Are you all right?"
But the only answer was a low, deep groan, although Severus thought it sounded a little more... lilting than Lurch's usual tone.
By now the attention of everyone was on the big man, expressions ranging from surprise to curiosity to concern. Lurch began to walk around the table toward Ethelenda, and her eyes widened, although more with surprise than fear. Tybalt frowned, something bothering him about the way Lurch was looking at his mother, and he pushed back his chair and rose slowly, ready to defend her if for some reason Lurch appeared like he was going to do anything menacing.
But it seemed Lurch just wanted to be closer to her, and he stopped a few feet away from her chair, his mouth working to form a word. They waited, the silence almost profound, as Lurch finally managed to produce two syllables no one had ever heard him speak before.
"Pretty."
"Oh... why, thank you," Ethelenda said, obviously taken aback by this compliment. She actually blushed like a school girl.
Severus' eyebrows climbed to his hairline at that. It was the most coherent thing Lurch had said in the entire time he'd worked for them, and Severus was amused that it took this to get Lurch to say something more than groans and grunts. A thought suddenly occurred to him, and he looked at Lurch sternly.
"Lurch, did you happen to taste that pink liquid in my cauldron?" he asked.
Lurch seemed to wrench his attention away from Ethelenda with reluctance, and he nodded slowly. "Smell good," he admitted in his sepulchral voice.
"Well, that explains it," Severus said, his voice laced with equal parts amusement and annoyance. "Lurch drank a love potion."
"And... he's fixated on my mother?" Tybalt asked. His voice was strangled as amusement warred with outrage, and he drew a deep breath. "Um... it is temporary, right?"
Severus gave Tybalt a withering look. "For all your vaunted memory, apparently nothing from your Potions textbook stuck. Yes, it is a temporary condition that will wear off as soon as the potion is out of his system."
Lurch gave a prolonged groan that could have meant dismay over learning he'd ingested a love potion or merely an acknowledgment, and then he went back to gazing besottedly at Ethelenda.
"What were you doing brewing love potions anyway?" Serenus asked, raising one eyebrow, and Severus turned the withering look on him.
"I wasn't," he said icily. "I was trying to brew Pouting Paste, but I tried twice, and it turned into a love potion both times."
Tybalt looked at Severus with some surprise for the acidic comment. "I wasn't certain if this one was any different than the things we used to make as students. You are a potions master, after all. It would follow that anything you brewed could be infinitely more potent, if you chose."
Remus patted Severus' leg under the table, trying to soothe his mate's temper. "We're all having problems, of course. I don't think Tybalt was trying to point a finger, love."
Gaius was looking at Lurch with a sort of fascinated horror. "Well, I suppose there are worse admirers to have. Maybe," he whispered, not wanting to offend Lurch. The big man didn't seem to hear him at all, though, so rapt was he on the object of his affections.
Ethelenda, for her part, took everything in with a sort of calm dignity that Tybalt was not surprised to see. "It's all right, dear, you'll feel better soon," she told Lurch softly, giving him a kind smile.
"I resent the implication that I would deliberately brew a love potion," Severus grumbled, folding his arms across his chest. "Lockhart has no idea how lucky he was that year. If we hadn't been in the Great Hall with the entire school present, I would have hexed him to Hell and back for the suggestion."
Serenus offered an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I must have had a bout of temporary insanity to think you'd done it on purpose," he said, trying to help soothe Severus' ruffled feathers.
"Damned right you did," Severus muttered, but in a less grumbly tone than before.
"What are you planning to do with it?" Serenus asked, regarding him quizzically. "Obviously you didn't throw it away, but I doubt you and Remus need it," he added, teasing lightly, and he earned a derisive snort in response.
"Remus suggested selling it," Severus replied, glancing at Gaius. "But I need appropriate bottles for it, which is where you come in. Can you Transfigure something suitable for bottling a love potion in?"
Meanwhile, Lurch continue to gaze at Ethelenda, seeming content to stand and stare with the same eeriely besotted expression that almost managed to make his craggy features look soft and pleasant. "Date," he groaned at last, his expression turning hopeful.
"What?" Tybalt gasped, distracted from the banter between the twins by Lurch's suggestion. "No. Oh, no, no, no."
"But why?" Ethelenda asked, looking at her son with an expression of such bewildered innocence that Remus snorted.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake, mother!" Tybalt said, throwing his hands up in the air. "You can't seriously be considering it! Can you just imagine the dinner conversation, or lack there of?"
"A strong, silent man isn't a bad thing," Ethelenda replied airily, waving a hand.
"There are things besides talking, anyway," Gaius pointed out helpfully, then had to duck as Tybalt lobbed a napkin at him. "Hey, I'm just saying!"
"I don't think our big, strong Auror is quite ready for his mother to date," Remus chimed in, patting Gaius on the arm.
"Now you just stay out of this," Tybalt said, wagging a finger at the two of them and giving them a stern look before taking his seat and turning to his mother. "I do know how to make people disappear. And not in the fun way."
"Maybe you'd be do as he says, Gaius," Remus said, his voice a stage whisper. "Because then Severus and Serenus wouldn't have a little brother to shove around anymore, and that would make them cranky. Cranky Snapes are a Bad Thing."
"You're probably right. Why, yes, Severus, I can make bottles for you!" Gaius said, turning a bright, beaming gaze of wicked amusement on his brother. "How about big, strong Auror shaped ones?"
"Better yet, how about shaped like certain parts of a big, strong Auror?" Serenus asked, matching Gaius' wicked amusement. "I can be your consultant so that the replica is exact."
"I could call it 'Savage Love'," Severus chimed in, jumping on the chance to dish out a little torture. "If it sells well enough, I might consider adding it to our product line permanently."
Releasing a prolonging groan, Lurch raised his hand as if to indicate he would be their first customer.
Tybalt flushed again, wondering what he had done to end up being the target of everyone's jokes. "Can I die now, please?" he asked, burying his face in his hands.
"It could be worse. Yhey could be picking on me," Gaius piped up unhelpfully.
"If they didn't like you, they wouldn't tease you, you know," Remus added.
"Of course, son - and didn't you say you wanted a big family?" Ethelenda said, giving her son a sympathetic smile. "This is what you missed growing up, you know. Is it everything you thought it would be?"
"We could always start a food fight," Serenus said, patting Tybalt's shoulder. "That would get the attention off you."
"You are not going to hurl food I prepared like barbarians." Severus glared quellingly at him. "Especially not when we cannot count on magic to clean up the mess. It would be just my luck that everyone's cleaning charms would fail, and then someone would be made to clean it by hand." His tone and forbidding stare made it clear who the someone in question would be.
"I guess we'll just have to go back to picking on Tybalt, then," Serenus replied, grinning. He leaned over and kissed Tybalt's cheek affectionately. "Or we could finish dinner and let Gaius get to work on those Auror-shaped bottles while Ethelenda and Lurch plan their romantic evening together."
"No romantic evening," Tybalt groaned, but he didn't lower his hands. Then he drew in a breath, and lifted his head. "Fine, let's finish dinner." He turned hard blue eyes on Gaius. "And any bottles shaped like any part of me will be rendered into so many splinters of glass."
"Er... noted," Gaius said, holding up both hands defensively. "No Auror shaped bottles. Sorry, Severus. Aurors have a way of making people disappear."
"Ah, well, you'll deprive the world of a thing of beauty. Not that you should feel guilty." Remus grinned unrepentantly. Tybalt glared at him, and he stood up, chuckling and reaching for plates. "Look, I'll clear this away, and we can have dessert, all right? Chocolate makes everything better, you know. You'll forget your humiliation soon enough."