Here's a bit of Creative Meta for the Underground. ;-)
In our recent discussions about Snape's Worst Memory and the issues of prejudice in the series as a whole, several people have commented on the friendship of Severus and Lily. As I said in my first post on the subject, why in the world did he continue to "love" a woman who had rejected him years ago? It's not so much that they broke up, but how it happened, that I object to, along with the notion that Severus continued to think so highly of Lily, despite how she treated him, that he remained eternally devoted to her memory and sacrificed himself to that devotion.
Realistically, all romantic fantasy aside, I think Severus and Lily had a circumstantial, superficially-founded childhood friendship that both of them would have outgrown, even if Severus had never become a Death Eater. Based on what we see in the texts, it appears that Lily had started to pull away from Severus once they got to Hogwarts and she discovered other friends who could also do magic. Lily and Severus really don't seem to have been all that comparable, or compatible, in terms of intellectual capacity and personality, and Severus seems to have read far more into the friendship than Lily ever did.
I think the forces of survivor guilt and idealizing the memory of the dead had more to do with Severus' devotion in later years than a True Love based upon a solid and genuine soulmate-level friendship. A good counselor would have pointed this out to him within the first few years of Lily's death, but, alas, poor Severus had no good counselors available to him, only Albus Dumbledore.
So here's how I think it would have played out, had Severus given up his Death Eater associations and had he ended up marrying Lily. And now that I think about it, it kind of says a few things about his devotion to her in canon, too... ;-)
Title: Childhood's End
Author:![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
bohemianspirit
Genre: AU, Het
Pairing: Severus/Lily
Rating: PG
Summary: Severus had known for a long time that he and Lily were growing apart, but an early morning conversation about their marriage still leaves him in shock.
Note: Story title shamelessly lifted from Arthur C. Clarke, because it fits.
"The only thing worse than not getting what you want is getting what you want." - Oscar Wilde
Childhood's End
Voldemort was gone.
The Longbottom boy had, under the tutelage of Severus Snape, gone from a fearful firstie to a quietly confident defender against the Dark Arts. More than once he had nearly fallen before the war was done. And Severus had nearly lost his own firstborn son in the quest for the Horcruxes, a quest that had taken a quartet of students, one from each House, to successfully fulfill. But in the end his son had lived, and so, too, had the Boy Who Lived. And Voldemort was gone.
All was right with the world, or should have been. Instead, as summer dawned, the world for Severus was falling apart.
"You want it, too."
Severus sighed, staring out at the damp, gray morning.
"See? You don't even deny it."
"Lily..." He shook his head. "What about the children?"
"What do you think, Sev? They have eyes. They have ears. Do you really think they believe we've been living one big happily ever after?" Lily sniffed. "Al, maybe. He's always been good at not seeing what he doesn't want to see. Like you."
Severus turned sharply. Black eyes met green.
"My sight is as good as it ever was," he softly intoned, his eyes never leaving hers. "I merely harbor an absurd and quaint belief in honoring the vows I made, for better or for worse."
"Go on." Lily regarded him skeptically. "There's never been anyone else?"
"No." Severus started. "Have you?"
Oh, God, he hadn't thought she wouldn't deny it...
"Who?" he asked, feeling his stomach clench.
Lily's shoulders twitched. She sipped her tea. "It doesn't matter," she quietly answered.
He let out a bitter laugh. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't--"
"You really don't want to know, Sev."
"No," he agreed. "I probably don't." His mouth twisted. "Just tell me it isn't--"
Lily blanched.
No.
"Him?" It came out in a choked, harsh whisper.
Lily nodded.
"Why--if it had to be--but--why him? Of all..." He lifted the cup to his lips, managed a small swallow, set the cup down.
"I don't know." Lily shifted, staring into her morning tea. "I just know..."
"Yes?"
She picked up her spoon and stirred it round the cup. "I could have been happy with him," she said in a small voice.
A slow numbing started from the center, spreading slowly through his limbs.
"Then why," he intoned, "did you marry me?"
Lily refused to look up at him. "I guess I felt--after all you did--well, I'd have felt really bad, Sev, to think you went to all that trouble for nothing."
"You felt sorry for me."
She set the spoon down, precisely, next to the cup and saucer.
Severus felt sick.
"So," he said, his voice low. "You are telling me that the marriage I entered into as--as a sacred thing: to love, to honor, to devote all that I am and all that I ever will have... for you it's been merely a twenty-year act of mercy sex?"
Lily's head snapped up. "That's a terrible thing to say, Sev."
He held her gaze without relenting. "But it's true."
She averted her eyes.
Severus bowed his head, staring helplessly into his tea.
"I was afraid you'd go back to your Death Eater friends, if I didn't," Lily said.
His hands clenched around the tea cup. "Is that how little you thought of me?" he murmured. "It never occurred to you that I left them for my own reasons--reasons that had to do with--with--choosing my way?"
Silence.
Severus lifted the cup, tightening his hold so he wouldn't spill tea all over his robes as he sipped. His hands were still shaking as he set the cup back on the table.
"I'm sorry."
His lip curled. "It's a bit late for that."
"I am sorry, Sev."
From upstairs came the first stirrings of the children beginning their day.
"Well." Severus sat up straight; at the sound of his voice Lily looked up at him. "I guess you've chosen your way--and mine. Shall I gather my things now, or would you like a few moments to discuss the distribution of our property?"
"That won't be necessary." Lily pushed away from the table and stood. "I've got a place to go; you and the children can stay here."
"How very thoughtful."
She flinched.
Severus closed his eyes, sinking back in the chair. "Lily," he sighed. "I did love you. Or I thought I loved you--I thought I knew--" He looked up, one last time, into those eyes. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should get my vision checked."
She stared at him, wordlessly, then turned away and walked out of the kitchen.
Lily... gone...
"Dad?"
Severus looked up at his oldest child, the only one who had his eyes. He nodded, once, and Al slid into the seat opposite his father.
"Your mother and I are getting a divorce," Severus said.
No, Al wasn't at all surprised.
A subtle, fluid gesture from Al, and the dregs in Severus' tea cup were replaced by steaming, strong coffee, full to the brim.
In spite of himself Severus felt a slight smile emerge. "Thank you."
Al smiled back. "I learned from the best."
Severus inhaled the fragrant steam, watching his son summon and fill a cup for himself. Oh, to be seventeen, ready to win the world with a wand and a word.
Al glanced up at him, just then. "You'll be all right."
Severus held his gaze for a few moments, then, slowly, nodded. "Eventually."
The thought came to him of breakfast, and no sooner had he thought it than Al was sending pans and spatulas and bacon and eggs flying through the kitchen to come together on the stove.
"Don't forget the toast," said Severus, holding back a smile.
In our recent discussions about Snape's Worst Memory and the issues of prejudice in the series as a whole, several people have commented on the friendship of Severus and Lily. As I said in my first post on the subject, why in the world did he continue to "love" a woman who had rejected him years ago? It's not so much that they broke up, but how it happened, that I object to, along with the notion that Severus continued to think so highly of Lily, despite how she treated him, that he remained eternally devoted to her memory and sacrificed himself to that devotion.
Realistically, all romantic fantasy aside, I think Severus and Lily had a circumstantial, superficially-founded childhood friendship that both of them would have outgrown, even if Severus had never become a Death Eater. Based on what we see in the texts, it appears that Lily had started to pull away from Severus once they got to Hogwarts and she discovered other friends who could also do magic. Lily and Severus really don't seem to have been all that comparable, or compatible, in terms of intellectual capacity and personality, and Severus seems to have read far more into the friendship than Lily ever did.
I think the forces of survivor guilt and idealizing the memory of the dead had more to do with Severus' devotion in later years than a True Love based upon a solid and genuine soulmate-level friendship. A good counselor would have pointed this out to him within the first few years of Lily's death, but, alas, poor Severus had no good counselors available to him, only Albus Dumbledore.
So here's how I think it would have played out, had Severus given up his Death Eater associations and had he ended up marrying Lily. And now that I think about it, it kind of says a few things about his devotion to her in canon, too... ;-)
Title: Childhood's End
Author:
bohemianspiritGenre: AU, Het
Pairing: Severus/Lily
Rating: PG
Summary: Severus had known for a long time that he and Lily were growing apart, but an early morning conversation about their marriage still leaves him in shock.
Note: Story title shamelessly lifted from Arthur C. Clarke, because it fits.
"The only thing worse than not getting what you want is getting what you want." - Oscar Wilde
Childhood's End
Voldemort was gone.
The Longbottom boy had, under the tutelage of Severus Snape, gone from a fearful firstie to a quietly confident defender against the Dark Arts. More than once he had nearly fallen before the war was done. And Severus had nearly lost his own firstborn son in the quest for the Horcruxes, a quest that had taken a quartet of students, one from each House, to successfully fulfill. But in the end his son had lived, and so, too, had the Boy Who Lived. And Voldemort was gone.
All was right with the world, or should have been. Instead, as summer dawned, the world for Severus was falling apart.
"You want it, too."
Severus sighed, staring out at the damp, gray morning.
"See? You don't even deny it."
"Lily..." He shook his head. "What about the children?"
"What do you think, Sev? They have eyes. They have ears. Do you really think they believe we've been living one big happily ever after?" Lily sniffed. "Al, maybe. He's always been good at not seeing what he doesn't want to see. Like you."
Severus turned sharply. Black eyes met green.
"My sight is as good as it ever was," he softly intoned, his eyes never leaving hers. "I merely harbor an absurd and quaint belief in honoring the vows I made, for better or for worse."
"Go on." Lily regarded him skeptically. "There's never been anyone else?"
"No." Severus started. "Have you?"
Oh, God, he hadn't thought she wouldn't deny it...
"Who?" he asked, feeling his stomach clench.
Lily's shoulders twitched. She sipped her tea. "It doesn't matter," she quietly answered.
He let out a bitter laugh. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't--"
"You really don't want to know, Sev."
"No," he agreed. "I probably don't." His mouth twisted. "Just tell me it isn't--"
Lily blanched.
No.
"Him?" It came out in a choked, harsh whisper.
Lily nodded.
"Why--if it had to be--but--why him? Of all..." He lifted the cup to his lips, managed a small swallow, set the cup down.
"I don't know." Lily shifted, staring into her morning tea. "I just know..."
"Yes?"
She picked up her spoon and stirred it round the cup. "I could have been happy with him," she said in a small voice.
A slow numbing started from the center, spreading slowly through his limbs.
"Then why," he intoned, "did you marry me?"
Lily refused to look up at him. "I guess I felt--after all you did--well, I'd have felt really bad, Sev, to think you went to all that trouble for nothing."
"You felt sorry for me."
She set the spoon down, precisely, next to the cup and saucer.
Severus felt sick.
"So," he said, his voice low. "You are telling me that the marriage I entered into as--as a sacred thing: to love, to honor, to devote all that I am and all that I ever will have... for you it's been merely a twenty-year act of mercy sex?"
Lily's head snapped up. "That's a terrible thing to say, Sev."
He held her gaze without relenting. "But it's true."
She averted her eyes.
Severus bowed his head, staring helplessly into his tea.
"I was afraid you'd go back to your Death Eater friends, if I didn't," Lily said.
His hands clenched around the tea cup. "Is that how little you thought of me?" he murmured. "It never occurred to you that I left them for my own reasons--reasons that had to do with--with--choosing my way?"
Silence.
Severus lifted the cup, tightening his hold so he wouldn't spill tea all over his robes as he sipped. His hands were still shaking as he set the cup back on the table.
"I'm sorry."
His lip curled. "It's a bit late for that."
"I am sorry, Sev."
From upstairs came the first stirrings of the children beginning their day.
"Well." Severus sat up straight; at the sound of his voice Lily looked up at him. "I guess you've chosen your way--and mine. Shall I gather my things now, or would you like a few moments to discuss the distribution of our property?"
"That won't be necessary." Lily pushed away from the table and stood. "I've got a place to go; you and the children can stay here."
"How very thoughtful."
She flinched.
Severus closed his eyes, sinking back in the chair. "Lily," he sighed. "I did love you. Or I thought I loved you--I thought I knew--" He looked up, one last time, into those eyes. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should get my vision checked."
She stared at him, wordlessly, then turned away and walked out of the kitchen.
Lily... gone...
"Dad?"
Severus looked up at his oldest child, the only one who had his eyes. He nodded, once, and Al slid into the seat opposite his father.
"Your mother and I are getting a divorce," Severus said.
No, Al wasn't at all surprised.
A subtle, fluid gesture from Al, and the dregs in Severus' tea cup were replaced by steaming, strong coffee, full to the brim.
In spite of himself Severus felt a slight smile emerge. "Thank you."
Al smiled back. "I learned from the best."
Severus inhaled the fragrant steam, watching his son summon and fill a cup for himself. Oh, to be seventeen, ready to win the world with a wand and a word.
Al glanced up at him, just then. "You'll be all right."
Severus held his gaze for a few moments, then, slowly, nodded. "Eventually."
The thought came to him of breakfast, and no sooner had he thought it than Al was sending pans and spatulas and bacon and eggs flying through the kitchen to come together on the stove.
"Don't forget the toast," said Severus, holding back a smile.
"See? You don't even deny it."
"My sight is as good as it ever was,"
"I'm sorry."
"I guess you've chosen your way--and mine.
Lily... gone... "Dad?"
It makes me ill, too, to think of Lily marrying him out of guilt or pity, rather than because she truly loved him. It's probably a sad-but-true idea, though. The canon characters would not probably have been compatible with one another, in the end. (Still, we can dream, can't we?)
I like perceptive Al who apparently doesn't let on about what he knows, too. (Is "Al" still Albus Severus? *chuckles*)
especially the way you subtly included and sometimes twisted so many lines from canon
Heh. Thanks for noticing. (Not that it was all that subtle.) And don't forget the bit about needing a few moments to discuss the distribution of the property. ;-)
It makes me ill, too, to think of Lily marrying him out of guilt or pity, rather than because she truly loved him.
Oh, same here. I didn't write it for warm fuzzies; I wrote it as a "meta" extrapolation of what we see depicted in canon, and what we see in canon, unfortunately, isn't very heartening in terms of how much the friendship meant to Lily. Even so, I think that at the time she started dating Severus in this scenario, back in her teens, she probably believed that she had fallen in love with him. What she says now, twenty years later, is likely the product of reflection and hindsight.
The canon characters would not probably have been compatible with one another, in the end.
Exactly my point. How I developed it is subject to debate and interpretation, but their fundamental incompatibility is the bottom-line point.
(Still, we can dream, can't we?)
Yeah. I'm certainly not objecting to fictionalizing a healthier, happier relationship between them! As you know, I based ,i>Severus Evans</i> on the idea that there had, indeed, been a substantial friendship between Severus and Lily, and at least enough intellectual equality for them to enjoy long conversations that she couldn't enjoy with James. (And I don't think even the most James-sympathetic interpretation would make him particularly intellectual. Then again, in JKR's worldview, "intellectual" is probably not a compliment.) But over the years, Severus will still have to replace his idealized image of Lily with a more mature and integrated, realistic view of her.
(Is "Al" still Albus Severus?
Heh. You betcha. ;-) And of course his parents didn't think about the initials at the time, just about honoring Dear Old Albus and doing the customary second name after Dear Old Dad. My own son's initials are "BM," and I imagine that young Albus Severus Snape got just as much amusement from proclaiming himself an "ass" as my son got from cheerfully calling himself a "bowel movement."
back in her teens, she probably believed that she had fallen in love with him.
I did that twice. The third one is now my husband, but didn't become so for quite a few years.
And I don't think even the most James-sympathetic interpretation would make him particularly intellectual.
I don't think so. I think he is intelligent; he must be, to have done well in school without particularly trying and be part of the brains behind the Marauder's Map and all. But I think he and Sirius both don't like to work for anything if they can make it come to them, so it's rare that they really get fired up using their brains and getting their hands dirty. Still it's for an end; they don't sit around discussing the finer points of magical theory for fun, which is something I could see Severus doing. (Actually I'm not sure Lily leans quite that way either. She's bright too, but too.. "spunky"? More the outgoing type, is all I mean.)
I imagine that young Albus Severus Snape got just as much amusement from proclaiming himself an "ass"
And glowers from his father, and smiles hidden behind her hand from his mother... :)
But at least Severus can find comfort in his children--I love how you turned Al into Sev and Lily's son! I like how Al quietly tries to comfort his father, and how he--as most children do--knows more about the state of his parents' marriage than his father thinks he does.
I see this as more hopeful than sad--the sad part being that he and Lily were in a loveless (at least on her part) marriage for twenty years, but at least they've finally admitted their mistake, and he has a chance to eventually find true happiness with someone who really loves him.
It seems like a realistic portrayal of two people who have slowly grown apart over the years--a marriage that is more fizzling out than blowing apart with a bang.
Exactly. I do think, in the beginning, they both had good intentions, but they also both had blind spots that enabled them to ignore whether they were really a good long-term match for each other.
I find that I did feel a bit more sympathy for this Lily than canon Lily, because at least she tried to save Severus in her own misguided way, although obviously she was wrong to underestimate him.
As I said above to Esmestrella, I don't think Lily consciously said to herself, in her late teens, gee, I don't want to marry Sev, but I'd better do it since he gave up the DE's to win me back. That's her understanding in hindsight. And I think canon Lily would probably have given second thoughts to cutting him off if he went so far as to cut himself off from DE associations. After all, she DID give James a second chance when he did HIS "I can change!" transformation.
And I don't think the relationship was loveless for either of them so much as simply inadequate to sustain a marriage. But I do think Lily is more shallow than Severus, or at least that Severus would deepen more over the years, and that would ultimately drive a wedge between them that has nothing to do with anyone being the "bad" guy.
On one hand I am very angry at Lily for not loving him as you should be and for her lack of faith in him... and damn James this time around too :P, and on the other I am grateful because she was trying to help and didn't abandon him.
I feel so sad for Severus for now he know this 20 years or marriage have been a lie but at least he was mostly happy and got a family and a sense of purpose out of it. I also feel hopeful that with the help of his children, specially Al, and what a nice twist it was, he could be happy again.
On one hand I am very angry at Lily for not loving him as you should be and for her lack of faith in him..., and on the other I am grateful because she was trying to help and didn't abandon him.
I think she tried to love him, and at first, at least, was convinced she did. And I think that Severus' own dogged determination to stick to his commitments (which we see in canon, with his promises to DD) despite his own best interests (and, in this case, Lily's) was hurtful, ultimately, to both himself and Lily. I do think canon Lily would have given him a chance, if he had gone so far as to reject the DE's. Then again, maybe that's too optimistic a view of the canon character. I'm not sure. The main thing is, I don't think there's enough common ground at a deep level for them to have built a truly happy, compatible marriage.
and damn James this time around too :P
Well, yeah, I have to admit, I just can't see James ever giving up, if he thought he had a chance. And once Lily started to grow dissatisfied with the marriage... Well, if anyone is tempted to think this story places the blame on her, I kind of had in mind that it was James that seduced her and persuaded her to have the affair. ;-) I don't really think James was a particularly good person.
I feel so sad for Severus for now he know this 20 years or marriage have been a lie but at least he was mostly happy and got a family and a sense of purpose out of it.
Yeah, the irony is that however miserable he is that his marriage to Lily didn't work out, he has no idea how much worse it COULD have been.
Childhood's end
In justice to her, it would be wearing to try to live up to Sev's intensity if one didn't share it. And even at his most relaxed he's a perfectionist....
(As to Lily's judgment that "she could have been happy with him"--well. I've called THAT one in question, haven't I?)
Actually, there's a fiction out there where Severus is able to go back in time to undo his mistakes--not calling her a Mudblood that day, never joining the Death Eaters.... and after a year or so of dating, Lily throws him over for guess who. That seems even more likely to me than your scenario.
I reiterate the Sayers quote I used in earlier comments on Snape/Lily: One may have an important love for an unimportant person.
And now for the meta:
I think they also could have grown another way. I think there really was a degree of intellectual compatibility between Lily and Severus (or else she didn't just learn from him but cheated off him in Potions -- because if she was even smart enough to *learn from him* to be as good as he was in Potions, let alone to teach him as is also theoretically possible...then there was some intellectual compatibility). Yes, he would have grown deeper with age; so might she.
I tend to think that Lily was really unlucky to be so good-looking -- it encouraged her to let popularity distract her from the intellectual pursuits she had the ability for. A Lily Potter who hadn't died young might have lived her whole life satisfied with popularity, status in the WW, having a "good catch" of a man, etc....or she might have grown deeper with age and become dissatisfied with her life with James.
And a Lily who married Severus might have kept her early focus on conventional success and ended up thinking she'd have been happier with James...or she might have been happy with Severus.
In general I think young Lily and Severus weren't perfect for each other, but they were compatible enough that they would have had good reason to choose each other rather than looking for "someone better." They remind me of Ron and Hermione...except that young Lily strikes me as having quite a bit more "growing deeper with age" potential than young Ron, and little-Lily-and-Sev somehow strikes me as a much closer, more "innately compatible" friendship than little-Ron-and-Hermione.
In particular -- "Severus seems to have read far more into the friendship than Lily ever did." Well...there *are* reasons to conclude that, but at the same time, she was willing to call him her *best* friend. I'd agree with you if she'd only been willing to call him her friend, but her *best* friend...even if you're the sort of (insane, illogical) person who refers to more than one "best" friend, anyone you'll describe that way is pretty special to you.
(I went into more detail about my view of their relationship here (http://totalreadr.livejournal.com/4237.html).)