InsaneJournal

Severus' fork made a clank against his dinner plate as he scooped up the rest of his shepherd’s pie and placed the food in his mouth. Across from him, Harry sat staring down at his own meal, idly stabbing at it with his own fork, and taking small bites at intervals.

Severus reached for his glass of wine and took a sip, keeping his eyes on Harry as he watched the younger man brood. Harry's tantrum had continued on from last night when he had lost their argument, and he was still young enough to believe that sulking in front of Severus would convince him that Harry's perspective was the right one.

Of course, he was terribly mistaken. Since last night, the discussion had not been brought up once, but Severus knew it was only a matter of time. Harry would soon enough bring it back up, and once again they would argue over the logistics of it and then go to bed angry with one another.

But Harry’s tantrums were nothing Severus was not used to; over the last year he had grown accustomed to them. They were both stubborn men and it made their relationship strenuous in the beginning of things. However, as stubborn men, they had both fought to make it work.

Which eventually had led them here, sitting at the dinner table on a Thursday night and eating shepherd’s pie as Harry glared at Severus.

As predicted, once Severus stood and began to clear his dishes, Harry threw down his fork and started their previous argument right where it had left off.

"My God, Severus, it really shouldn't be such an issue. I only want to try it once."

Severus drained the rest of the liquid from his wine glass and placed his dirty plate in the sink, ignoring Harry.

"Severus," Harry got up as well. "Don’t ignore me. It’s not a big deal, and if you would just—"

Severus cut him off, "If it isn't 'a big deal', as you say, then my resounding 'no' should not cause issue."

Harry glared at him even more darkly and he seemed to struggle for a sufficient reply. When none was forthcoming, Severus swept out of the room and headed into the living room. He had barely pulled out his wand to start a fire in the hearth when Harry was hot on his heels.

"It's been a whole year, Severus." Harry plunged right back into the argument. "And I thought things were progressing. I mean, you’ve all but moved in here." Harry waved his arm wildly indicating Grimmauld Place. "I thought you trusted me."

The hint of hurt in Harry’s voice did not go unnoticed by Severus, but he chose to ignore it at the moment. All of Harry’s points were invalid. Yes, they had miraculously somehow managed to stay in a cordial relationship for a year now, in fact just celebrating their anniversary last night. And it had been a pleasant evening, too, up until the argument.

"It has nothing to do with trust, Harry," Severus said simply, turning around to face him.

"Then why won’t you let me—"

"Because—" Severus once again cut him off. "I have no desire whatsoever to experience it."

"But I don’t understand!" Harry said exasperated.

"You don’t need to understand! No means no! Or were you never taught that as an adolescent?"

Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "For Merlin's sake, Severus, I'm not a child asking for sweets! I won’t hurt you, if you would just trust me."

"I do trust you!"

"No, you don’t, otherwise this wouldn’t be such an issue," Harry argued.

"No." Severus sat down in the armchair by the fire, placed his arms on the armrests and glared at Harry. "Trust has very little to do with it."

Harry scoffed. "It has everything to do with trust. Do you think I’d let you do it to me if I didn’t trust you?" He crossed the room and sat down on Severus’ knee, something Severus knew he had still been too afraid to do three months ago.

His glare darkened. He still wasn’t a fan of the childish lap sitting.

"It feels good, Severus. Really good…" Harry wrapped his arms around the older man's neck and moved to straddle him, a position that Severus preferred.

"As does what I do to you, and I’m quite content with the status quo."

"I'd really like to learn that for myself, Severus."

"Are you intimating that you are unsatisfied? That perhaps I am inadequate?"

Harry's eyes widened. "What? No! We have amazing sex. I just want to try new things. It’s not any different than you tying me up and blindfolding me, or spanking me, or making me take that extremely large vibrating dildo, and let’s not forget your obsession with shower sex."

"The difference, Potter, is that in every one of those circumstances, you were both a willing and overly eager participant."

Harry flushed several shades of red that would put a Weasley’s blush to shame. "Not at first I wasn't," he objected. "I wasn't bloody well willing to take that dildo at first. It’s like two of your cocks at once."

Severus smirked and ran his hands up along Harry’s thighs and to his hips. "Indeed, and yet now it’s almost every week you’re begging for it while you’re tied to the bed posts."

Harry closed his eyes for a moment, moaning lightly when Severus' long fingers slid up under his shirt. "No," he said suddenly pushing Severus’ hands away. "You will not distract me with sex."

"I am merely removing myself from this conversation and finding better means of entertainment." Severus leaned forward and nibbled lightly at the exposed skin along Harry’s shirt collar.

"Severus," Harry said sternly, although he made no motion to stop the man. "You only prove my point. I didn’t want to try that dildo at first, but you convinced me, and now I enjoy it. It could very well be the same for you. You might find that you really like tak—"

"You will never convince me, Harry." Severus cut him off, pulling back away. He looked at him square in the eye and was met with pleading, hopeful green eyes. Severus only glared in return. No amount of puppy eyes would convince him otherwise.

"Why are you so against this, Severus?" Harry asked, with a certain level of concern. The same concern Harry had shown him a couple of years ago when he had isolated himself after the war. Harry had been nothing but persistent, and if Severus had learned anything about him in their past year together, it was that Harry was still a stubborn Gryffindor. And probably would remain such for the rest of their lives together.

That being said, Severus knew he was treading on dangerous territory and that this argument would not be easily won. He had his reasons for fighting against this, and damn it all if Harry was going to find out what those were. That was a private matter.

"I've had enough of this. Get off me, Potter." He went to push Harry off, but the man was already clambering backwards.

"Severus." Harry stood tall and spoke firmly, the stubborn Gryffindor look in his eyes. "I demand to know why you refuse to do this for me."

Severus got to his feet as well, using the half an inch he had over Harry to his advantage. "Because it is selfish of you to ask. I have my reasons and they are mine alone! You will not convince me with puppy dog eyes, nor with your persistence on the subject. I am satisfied with the way things are, and if you cannot accept that, then get out." He was bluffing of course, and he hoped to God that Harry wouldn’t call him on it, and would just give in, allowing this whole argument to be over.

Harry did not walk out the door as Severus half expected, or point out the fact that if anyone should leave it should be Severus since this was Harry's house. He did not cave as Severus had hoped. Instead, Harry threw his arms up in exasperation. He then let out a sigh, took a deep breath to calm himself, and looked at Severus.

In as calm a voice as he could muster, Harry asked, "What are your reasons then? Tell me, and maybe if I had a better understanding, I'd… I don't know? I might see reason?"

"Out of the question," Severus said tonelessly.

"This is ridiculous!" Harry exclaimed, calm demeanour gone. "Severus, you have to trust me. I put my faith in you, give you everything I’ve got, and you won’t even do this one thing for me. You won’t even tell me why you won’t do it."

"Gryffindors always trust blindly. I will not subject myself to the same standard."

Harry let out a frustrated growl, raking his fingers through his hair. "You are so aggravating! Severus, tell me what it is or I swear to God, I will walk out of that door."

Severus hoped to God once again, this time that it was Harry bluffing. But from the way Harry squared his shoulders and gave Severus a look of such determination, it was difficult to tell. Regardless, he was still adamant about taking his secrets to the grave. He trusted Harry, he truly did, but not with something as embarrassing as this.

"Leave then," Severus replied, idly pointing towards the door. "I've already said if this is not something we can agree upon, it’s best you walk out of the door."

Harry’s expression was overcome with grief. Stunned, Harry stared, and Severus met his gaze with a straight face.

"You're really willing to throw this all away?" Harry asked, looking uncomfortable, and his voice was choked. "You honestly don’t trust me enough to confide in me?" He shook his head, and when Severus made no move to respond, he walked out of the room.

* * * * *
Severus had tried, unsuccessfully, to not be bothered by Harry leaving. After he had left the living room, Severus had sat back down and calmly waited for Harry to return. Harry couldn’t honestly believe that this silly matter was justification for a break up. But half an hour later, Severus was beginning to suspect otherwise.

He searched the house, only to find himself utterly alone. However, a search of the bedroom told him Harry had not taken anything, which in turn told him Harry planned on coming back. He had probably gone to Weasley and Granger's to cool off, and telling them every minor detail of their fight, as Harry was wont to do.

It was an argument often revisited between the couple, but it seemed so futile at the moment.

Severus rubbed at his temples as he sat down on the edge of their bed. Was it really worth destroying what they had built over the last year? Was he really willing to lose Harry just to hold onto his secrets?

Harry, damn him, had been right. It was a matter of trust, and Severus lacked it. It had been no easy feat admitting it, even to himself. The verity of the situation was, Severus took all Harry had to offer him. He took it selfishly and relished it, giving very little back.

And Harry really had given him so much.

Harry was willing to try new things for Severus all the time, and no matter how much he hesitated, he trusted Severus enough to give it a try. And Severus could not reciprocate.

Fuck, he really was throwing it all away…

Severus got back to his feet. No, he couldn’t allow something as petty as fear of being penetrated ruin all they had worked for. He would do anything for Harry, and he might not have said that in words, but it was an unspoken fact between them. However, Severus still needed to remind Harry of that. He would not willingly allow things to collapse because he was a selfish man.

He could be less selfish for Harry. He was determined, if nothing else, to prove that.

Harry had to return at some point. Even if only to pack some clothes so he could stay away for a few days. But Severus would not allow that. When Harry returned, he’d be ready.

* * * * *
It was late when Severus heard the Floo activate. Harry probably thought he would be asleep and that he could sneak in and back out without waking him. This led to the suspicion that Harry was drunk, because he knew Severus was a light sleeper.

He set his book, which he had used to entertain himself the last couple of hours, on the bedside table. He had debated about meeting Harry in the living room when he came home, but thought better of it. If they were going to do this, he’d do it on his terms, and that meant in their bed.

He heard Harry make his way up the stairs and got up off the bed himself, adjusting his thin night shirt that usually only made an appearance on hot summer days. It was the one that Harry was always trying to get him to shed so they could sleep together naked.

Harry opened the bedroom door and blinked stupidly when he saw Severus standing there. Not drunk, Severus observed, but at least tipsy.

Severus watched as Harry observed him in return. Harry took in Severus' thin night shirt, looking him up and down, stopping to stare at his bare legs before roaming back up to meet Severus’ eyes. "I only came to grab a couple of things and then I'm leaving," he said defiantly, and then moved toward the wardrobe.

"Harry," Severus began, but he came up short. Even after spending the last several hours trying to decide what to say, he was unable to say it. Harry stopped to look at him. When Severus didn’t speak again, he continued as if Severus hadn’t said anything at all.

Severus watched as Harry grabbed a bag and shoved clothes in it, willing himself to say something, but he could not bring himself to apologise.

Harry slung the bag over his shoulder and turned to Severus, that agonised look still on his face. "Well… I’m leaving," he said, waiting, it seemed, in hopes that Severus would stop him.

Severus still couldn’t bring himself to speak.

With a sigh, Harry turned and headed for the door.

"I was 23," Severus blurted, feeling foolish. He relaxed when Harry stopped in the doorway.

Harry slowly turned around. "What?"

Severus couldn’t believe he was admitting this. It hadn’t been part of his initial plan; he had planned to take these secrets to the grave.

"I was 23 when I tried to…" He waved his arm vaguely. "It was with this man I had met at a pub; I can no longer remember his name. I was young and ill experienced, and after a few drinks he convinced me to go home with him and promised to teach me a thing or two. It was less than enjoyable. He didn’t even fully penetrate me. I couldn’t allow it to go that far." Severus winced at the memory.

Harry stared at him, taking in Severus' words. He then dropped the bag, the contents spilling on the floor. In a moment he had crossed the room and stood in front of Severus.

"Is that why? Because you’re afraid I'll hurt you?"

"It will hurt," Severus stated.

"Only for a moment if it’s done right," Harry corrected. "I wouldn't hurt you."

Severus looked at him for an instant before looking away. "I know that, which is why I've come to the conclusion that if it means you will stop pestering me, I will allow you to do it."

Harry lit up like a beacon. "Severus, do you mean it?"

"Do you take my word so lightly? Of course I mean it," Severus snapped in irritation.

"It's just that you—oh never mind." Harry grabbed his face and kissed him, and Severus allowed himself to surrender to the sweet, unique taste that was entirely Harry.

Normally, he would be the one to dominate the kiss, but there was something about the hungry way Harry was kissing that held him back. As Harry ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth, Severus found he had very little room to complain. Harry nipped at his bottom lip and Severus allowed it, groaning even, as it generated a response in his body. Slowly, he backed towards the bed, Harry following with clumsy steps to keep their mouths together.

Severus fell back onto the bed, Harry on top of him, and their teeth clanked painfully from the force. Harry broke the kiss and ran his tongue along the front of his teeth. "Sorry," he responded a bit breathless.

"No matter," Severus murmured, pulling himself farther back on the bed, bringing Harry along with him.

Harry quickly began a trail of hot kisses down Severus’ stubbled jaw and down to his neck. Already Harry was eagerly rutting up against him, his cock hard and straining in his trousers.

"Slow down or things will be over before they even start." Severus admonished.

"Sorry," Harry said as his hands found their way up under Severus' night shirt, moaning when he found the lack of pants. "Off."

Severus complied, sitting up enough for Harry to tug it up over his head. Harry gave his naked body an admiring stare, something he did every single time and something that Severus was still embarrassed about, but as Harry ran his hands up along his thighs, towards his half-hard cock, the thoughts escaped him.

Harry lowered his face, taking Severus' cock in hand and bringing it to meet his lips. Severus let out the lightest of moans as Harry sucked lightly on the head of his prick, causing the blood to race in his veins and pulse in his cock. Slowly, Harry lowered his hot, wet mouth down on Severus' cock, taking him in as far as he could, which was almost completely, due to their many practices. When Harry twirled his tongue, Severus couldn’t help but thrust up, and Harry added to the pleasure by beginning to suck.

Severus allowed himself to thrust shallowly as he lay back on the bed. This wasn't anything they hadn't done before, but he knew what was coming, and he tried to will himself to relax despite his unease.

His eyes were closed and his head thrown back when he felt Harry’s hand trail up over his knee, tickling slightly as his finger tips ran up along his thigh and down to his bollocks. Harry held them in his hand, kneading them softly as he continued to work his skilled tongue and mouth over Severus' cock.

Severus had not been expecting the light finger touch to his entrance, and he instantly tensed in response, trying to pull away.

Harry lifted his head, his mouth coming off Severus' cock with an audible pop. His lips were wet and coloured a dark, flushed pink. A dribble of drool ran down his chin and he quickly wiped it away. "Severus, relax. I promise I won't hurt you. I'm not going in; I'm only touching."

Still, he did not relax as memories of how what’s-his-face shoved two fingers in without any sort of warning or lube came to the forefront of his mind. Harry idly rubbed Severus' cock as he looked at him and, still a bit uneasy, Severus slowly began to relax.

"Lube," Severus demanded as Harry moved to go back down on him.

Harry looked back up, mildly surprised. "Now?"

"Do you not recall your first time, Harry?" Severus asked.

Harry flushed a shade of red and nodded, reaching over to the bedside table and grabbing the vial of lubricant Severus had crafted himself.

"Remove your clothes as well," he demanded. "This doesn't work very well when only one of us is naked."

"Me topping you doesn't work very well when you boss me about either, Severus." Harry rolled his eyes, removing his clothes all the same.

"You cannot expect me to change because I’m merely allowing you to put your prick in my arse."

"Shut up," Harry said with affection as he moved to give Severus a chaste kiss, before pushing down his trousers and pulling off his shirt, now completely naked himself.

With the vial of lube in hand, Harry moved back down to Severus’ prick, pulling it back between his lips and sucking on the head. Severus let out a soft sigh.

As Harry continued his ministrations with his mouth, Severus heard the pop of his pulling the stopper out and opening the vial of lube. Then, seconds later, felt the wet press of Harry's finger to his entrance as he continued to give him a blow job.

Once again Severus tensed, but he reminded himself that this was a lubed finger, and it was Harry. He could do this for Harry. He relaxed again, allowing himself to enjoy the feel of Harry’s mouth, thrusting shallowly again, and he found that the feel of Harry’s finger rubbing against his hole was little to worry about. It even felt nice.

This had been how he had taken Harry the first time, that memory much more welcome than the last. He had distracted Harry with a blow job until he was able to slowly push in a finger and—

Oh… Severus tensed once again as a single digit pushed into him. It burned, but very little, and he was quickly able to relax. It was an odd feeling, but not an unpleasant one, and as Harry slowly thrust his finger, he found he almost enjoyed it.

His legs fell open and he sighed softly again. He was just beginning to really become accustomed to the intrusion when Harry pushed in a second lubricated finger. It hurt more than the first, and he squirmed, but willed himself to stay relaxed. His cock gave an unpleasant twitch, and Harry pulled back a bit to concentrate on the sensitive head. His fingers slowly thrusting, twisting and wiggling as they stretched Severus open.

And Merlin help him, aside from the initial pain, it felt bloody fantastic.

"More," he said breathlessly, shocking himself as much as he was probably shocking Harry.

Harry pulled off his cock and looked up at Severus, his eyes a darker green betraying the lust in them. Severus found he had to look away quickly, for fear he might suddenly get sentimental.

Slowly, Harry pushed in a third finger, but instead of bringing his mouth back down to continue what he had been doing, he watched Severus.

Severus hissed, the burn too intense and the stretch too wide. He was about to tell Harry to pull out when gentle fingers rubbed up against something inside him.

"Oh…" Severus gasped. He'd forgotten about his prostate. "Oh." Severus repeated when Harry rubbed it again lightly. His cock, which had become slightly flaccid at the addition of a third finger, quickly hardened again, pre-come even forming at the tip. He watched Harry lightly lick his swollen lips in intense concentration as he began thrusting his fingers, the tips stroking up against Severus' prostate.

He couldn't take the torture much longer. If he wasn’t careful, he would come from this alone. That was a pleasant thought for him, but it wasn’t what Harry wanted.

"Stop." He panted and with a look of disappointment, Harry did so, but he hadn't pulled his fingers out just yet.

"Your cock," Severus said breathlessly. He didn't want to make it sound like he was begging, but maybe he was. At this point, he was no longer sure.

The disappointment left Harry's face and he pulled his fingers out of Severus' arse. Severus hissed at the sudden feel of emptiness.

"Sorry," Harry muttered as he searched around for the vial of lube. He found it and pulled out the stopper once again, pouring a generous amount into the palm of his hand. He handed the vial to Severus as he began to lube up his cock. Severus placed the stopper back in place and tossed the vial aside

Harry sat back on his heels, still fisting his cock. "Ready?" he asked a bit breathless.

Severus could only nod.

Harry wiped the lube remaining on his palm over Severus' hole before slowly moving forward, bringing the head of his cock to Severus' entrance. With his hand, he guided it and pushed the blunt head of his cock against the tight ring of muscle, biting his lip when it didn’t immediately go in. For a moment, Severus wasn’t sure if it would, but then the blunt head pushed past his ring of muscle and Harry was pushing in.

And Merlin, did it burn. Severus tensed more than he had the last few times. Harry stopped, his cock barely in, and he looked at Severus. "Ok?" he asked, a worried expression on his face.

Severus was about to tell him it was over, that he couldn't continue this, but suddenly he found that it didn’t burn nearly as much. In fact, just as it had with Harry's fingers, it was starting to feel rather good. It still burned, but it was becoming bearable. He nodded and Harry pushed in some more.

Severus hissed, and when Harry stopped again he nodded his head annoyed, unable to find the appropriate words.

Inch by inch Harry pushed into Severus' tight arse until he was fully sheathed inside.

Harry let out a wanton moan. "Merlin, Severus, you're so tight. You feel so good…"

"Move," Severus growled, the burn returning unpleasantly, and he vaguely remembered Harry’s first time, and how once he had begun thrusting Harry had been able to relax and enjoy it.

Harry pulled out a little bit before he thrust forward again. He did it thrice more, and on the fourth thrust he hit Severus' prostate and Severus saw spots in front of his eyes. His cock, which had once again gone limp, hardened at a painfully rapid pace.

Harry shifted his position, one hand pulling Severus' right leg up over his shoulder, allowing him to penetrate deeper and as a result hit Severus’ prostate every fourth or fifth thrust.

"Oh, Severus…" Harry groaned, and his thrusts, which had never been even, quickly became more erratic. "I can't… I won’t last long… Oh God…" he groaned, grinding his hips against Severus.

Severus reached between their bodies and sat up on his elbows to take a firm hold of his own aching cock, stroking himself, trying to match Harry's erratic thrusts. He was close as well, he could feel it, and his balls were drawing up. A couple more thrusts against his prostate and he would come undone.

"Severus…" Harry groaned through gritted teeth, and then he was coming, filling Severus with hot come, and God, if that didn’t feel good, Severus didn't know what did.

Harry gripped Severus' bony hips tightly as he poured himself into Severus' hole, his eyes rolled back in his head and he threw his head back and moaned as he emptied himself into him.

It had felt so good, but it hadn't quite been enough. Severus worked his cock more vigorously, trying to draw out his own orgasm.

Harry, still coming down from his high, looked at Severus. "Sorry, sorry that was too fast." Harry apologised, panting heavily. "It just felt too good…" Harry looked down to where their bodies still met and groaned. "Oh God, Severus, my come—my come is leaking out of you."

It wasn’t Harry's words, but the twitch of Harry's limp cock, still inside of him that sent Severus over the edge, and he came hard, harder than he ever remembered, into his hand and all over his and Harry's stomachs. He groaned, rolling his head back as he pumped out every last drop before he slumped back against the mattress, Harry falling out of him in the process. He winced as he once again felt suddenly empty.

Harry rolled over to his side, lying next to Severus, just as breathless, if not more so. They both took a moment to compose themselves before Harry cuddled closer, his body covered in a sticky sheen of sweat and come, but Severus paid no mind.

"Was it as bad as you thought it would be?" Harry asked after he caught his breath.

Severus was silent for a moment, trying to come up with the proper response, but he was still enjoying the afterglow. "No," he responded lightly, his arm coming around to pull Harry closer to his sticky body.

"Do you understand why I enjoy it so much now?" Harry asked, and Severus could feel the man's smile against his chest.

"You've proven your point, Potter, no need to rub it in," Severus responded.

"Just one last question before I pass out," Harry promised.

"And what is that?" Severus asked, finding that his own eyes were already closed. When had that happened?

"Would you want to do that again?" Harry asked, with a hopeful edge in his voice.

Severus couldn't help it; an amused smirk crossed his tired face. "Perhaps, I would not object to the idea. However, do not expect it to become a regular occurrence, Potter. That was entirely too quick for my liking."

Harry chuckled lightly. "Oh come on, that was my first time ever doing something like that. And they say practice makes perfect, right? Besides, I seem to remember saying something along those lines about that dildo of yours. And we both know how well that went."

Severus couldn't help but let out an amused chuckle at that as well. Perhaps this would become a regular thing, but Harry was mental if he thought he’d ever get Severus to agree to take that dildo.