The voice under all silences. Chapter 9
The voice under all silences. Chapter 9
Author: [info]pekeleke Pairing: Severus Snape/Harry Potter Word Count: 3640 Rating: N-17 Summary: Four years after the final battle Severus Snape wakes up to HELL! Warning(s): Strong language. A/N: First snarry fic, ever. English is not my mother tongue so mistakes are to be expected. Beta: None Disclaimer: The characters used in this fiction are not mine. No money is being made from it.
The voice under all silences. Chapter 9
He startled awake with the unshakable certainty that he was in danger. His muscles froze with the knowledge that some unnamed person was very close by, sitting quietly in the chair beside his bed, and that their hand had just lifted: attempting to breach the -barely there- distance between them, in order to... touch him...! He detested foreign touch with the kind of passion others usually reserve for abominable reptiles!
His first thought was for his posture: he was lying on his side, curled protectively over the left half of his body, in a move he only ever made when truly injured. He remembered, then, that his left side was out of commission: the bones shattered and rejecting healing magic. He was in St Mungo's: recovering from the damage caused by the botched vow he'd been tricked into making, by Potter!, of all people! Sleep-fogged recollection brought the awareness that his wand... his wand was missing! His magic unreachable. The room opened to anyone who cared to enter... ANYONE!
In the very next second, the cold air around his face warmed slightly. The prickly awareness of someone else's magic, much too close to him, plunged his clammy skin into a fire of wild energy... His right hand shot out to curl, with all his might, around a masculine wrist: thwarting whomever was trying to harm him, mid-action.
A startled gasp broke the heavy silence of the room, granting him the advantage of those -precious- seconds needed to turn his thumb around: in preparation for breaking the bones he now held, as tightly as he possibly could, underneath his finger pads.
' By Merlin, Severus! I have spent so long sitting beside your unresponsive body -all these years!- that I'd forgotten just how... deadly... your reactions tend to be! Calm down, will you? I mean you absolutely no harm!'
Ebony eyes shot open, without warning, and his fierce glare settled over the very amused face of the auror from Hell! His fingers flinched away from all contact with that wide hand and he waited, breath held tight, for the other man to punch him into a pulp.
Puzzlingly wary features studied his own for a very long time. The disconcertingly unfamiliar silver frames of Potter's spectacles caught the faint light, when his head finally cocked to the side: ' You broke my nose! Ron has been laughing at me, non-stop!, since he found out! '
If the little toe-rag was expecting an apology from him, he'll still be waiting when Hell froze! He was going to stick by his own rules, even if the bastard decided to crush his every bone in vengeful retaliation! ' You deserved it, Potter! '
A sigh: deep and frayed. And more weary than Severus had expected it to be, broke the impasse: ' Yes. I did definitely deserve it! '
He had not been expecting that admission. Had assumed the very worst and, now, he floundered in a sea of deep bewilderment. There was astonished disbelief fleeting through his mind. There was a kind of suspicious wariness, whispering all kinds of warnings in the back of his mind, as he simply laid there: utterly stunned by the auror's easy acceptance of wrongdoing. There were people in the world, who'd only pounce on you when your back is turned. Not that he'd ever pegged Potter to be that kind of coward, but then... He'd never pegged him for a deceitful, vengeful, son of a... and the jerk had just proven him wrong, in the most humiliating way possible! Showing -finally! and beyond a shadow of doubt-, just how much like his happily defunct dogfather he could be!
' Weren't you stuck downstairs? ' he growled irritably when he couldn't abide the increasingly tense atmosphere for a single second longer.
His words seemed to vanish, all by themselves, the very heaviness in the air surrounding them and the rigidity that held his companion's shoulders -into a fairly good imitation of a roughly hewn monolith- dissolved, with a slightly hysterical chuckle. Potter's eyes danced merrily. A small smile, slightly rueful around the edges, flashed -in the faint gloom of dusk- towards him. ' I escaped! They were driving me crazy, with their ridiculous fussing, and Malfoy refused to tell me how you were! '
His brain froze. Pale visage losing all colour as he almost barked: ' You've seen Draco?! '
The boy's features turned stony. Emerald-flashed emotions painting shadows in the beauty of Lily's eyes, as a pair of rose-tinged lips compressed with absolutely livid disgust: ' Do not start with that again, Severus! ' The tone was frosty. A strange mixture of exhausted exasperation and sheer poison that rose his hackles, almost as badly as it worried him.
Potter straightened in annoyance and he used the welcome distance to breathe with relief. He did not want to lay down on his bed while the other man loomed over him, like a menacing shadow... He rolled over. Injured arm protesting dully when the ward flashed it's shimmering blue warnings, upon collision of his bony shoulder with the soft surface of the mattress.
The auror's eyes looked fierce. His lips were pressed too tightly and the faint shadow of the stubble, growing so darkly against his angular jawbone, did nothing to soften the impression of a man about as wild as a black panther. ' Do you need a hand, Severus? '
The question broke the stillness, like a shot fired from close range. The growled quality of it's tone revealing those six words to be nothing short of challenge! He resented them, so totally!, that his teeth gritted with force enough to chip them. He'd look spineless if he said no. He'd feel pathetic if he complied...
Mutinous defiance fleeted through his eyes as he shot daggers into the twat's hard face. ' I don't want ANYTHING from you! ' He whispered fiercely. Ashen face twisting, in rancorous dislike, when the creature simply shrugged it's wide shoulders.
' What you want, Severus, and what you need are two things about as far, from each other, as Heaven is from Hell. I care not, for the moment, about the former! Merlin knows that, if allowed, you'd all but vanish yourself from here, without giving anyone -least of all yourself!- the chance to find out, exactly, what could happen if you'd only opened up to life, for one bloody second! '
The boy lurched towards him, grabbing him most rudely! He'd been stunned into speechless, traumatised, compliance by that berating diatribe and the unwelcome, too-warm, arms of his new nemesis curled -so gently- around him, that the shield protecting his left limb was -not once!- given the smallest chance to flash! The... the... presumption! of the brat took his meagre breath away! He could not believe his senses! He'd pay -dearly!- any amount of gold demanded of him, for the pleasure of being convinced of the fact that he was dreaming this whole ghastly scenario!. But when one slow second, irreversibly turned into another: without the whole Potter-holding-him-thing having dissolved, before his widened eyes, into a relieving puff of feverish imagination... he became indignant enough to chew Hungarian Horntail's bone right off the flank of their fire-breathing owners!
Potter pulled him up so very slowly... Seemingly lost in the task of fluffing up the mess of pillows behind his back, like some kind of fussy mother-hen. He was dragged upwards firmly. Painfully emaciated upper body pulled -blankets and all!- towards the overwhelming warmth, so casually emanating from the wide expanse of a scathingly covered chest. His forehead was directed -with merciless gentleness- towards the small, masculine-scented hollow, to be found between Potter's collarbone and neck...
He stiffened with paralysed shock. Rejected the boy's very nearness with every fibre of his tautened, rigid body. He tried to yank his head away, as if burned... But was held fast! by the warm, wide, callused palm that settled, against the back of his head, in a careful, but -quite firm- staying motion:
' Ssshh...! Severus. Ssshh! There is no need for you to panic! If you'd just... wait one second... I'll be done with these pillows and set you back on the bed, OK? '
Senses reeling with the shaming indignity of finding himself gentled thus, like a two-year old toddler, he pushed against that restraining hand with an ever-weakening strength that only increased his resentment. ' Release me, Potter! At once! '
A gentle chuckle reverberated across that wide chest: rolling, like thunder, beneath the length of his cheek, which was - quite uncomfortably- plastered against the soft cloth of Potter's too-thin top! It was then, that the disconcertingly grave voice of the little menace broke, like jagged shards of shattered glass, across his tense, fuming senses:
' Gosh...! You are so prickly... Like a wounded beast from the forest! You drive me mad, with that stubborn independence of yours! With all that crazy hatred...! You make me forget, more often than I should, that you... you are only trying to defend yourself. From me...! Are you not, Severus? '
Fingers dug into his scalp. Dared to toy with his long hair, before his skull was suddenly seized: gently cradled against a callused wide palm, and he was eased slowly backwards. His face was forced to abandon the relative refuge of Potter's shoulder. Exposed, in all it's ugly, frayed glory, to those eyes that shone like leaves.
He swallowed thickly. Trapped, once more, inside another one of those strange and uncomfortable moments that this man seemed to manage -so very easily!- to create between them: He was lost. Blindly floundering within the disturbing miasma of Potter's bewildering emotions. Disconcertingly aware of the aching, desperate sadness, so clearly visible in the depths of those beautiful eyes... And he wanted not a second more of it!
He could not -would not!-, deal with the boy's fragility. He did not want to deal with it! There was no reason, at all, for him to do so! and he resented the odd intimacy of the whole puzzling situation. ' Let go of me! ' he demanded, in the kind of frosty tone that used to make Hufflepuffs cry, and the hand cradling his head twitched slightly.
Emerald eyes clashed with his own and James Potter's spawn had the gall to growl at him, with obvious annoyance: ' I'm not doing anything awful to you! There's no reason to get huffy, Professor! '
Severus gritted his teeth. Black eyes narrowed with displeasure and he growled, utterly peeved: ' I dislike being manhandled by anyone, Potter! I want you to remove your hands from my person, right this second! '
That brilliant gaze became visibly colder. A veritable world of awfully dark shadows filling those verdant depths with sombre, distressed gloom. ' Malfoy touched you! Every bloody second, while he was here!, and I didn't hear you complain a single time!... Nope!... I remember it quite clearly, Sir!: Not even a twitch of annoyance left those prissy lips of yours, Professor!'
-What the Hell...?-
That bewildering tirade had turned more agitated by the syllable and he blinked, in disconcerted anxiety. He didn't know how to react to the strange situation. Was absolutely mystified by the inappropriate tinge of... Possessiveness?... that he'd sensed, somewhere among all that disturbing pile of nonsense! He had never before been on the receiving end of a... Potterish... break-down! At least, not one he had to endure right down to it's dearly-wished-for conclusion!... Lily's child, though, seemed to have no need -at all!- for his input and proceeded to... rant!... even further without granting him the chance to cut him off!
' You were more than happy with the blasted Ferret's smarmy smiles and his touchy, grabby approach to godchild-like concern! He plants those paws of his: All. Over. You!, and you don't even bat and eyelash! But when, I, so much as help you sit up... Then the whole bloody world must come to a stop! Gosh...! It must be the apocalypse!... How could you, possibly!, be expected to endure so awful an ordeal?... Well, tough luck, Snape! You'll have to take it like a man and stop whining, for Godric's sake! It's not as if my touch alone is going to kill you, You know? '
He was stunned into speechlessness. Bewildered beyond all reason and all response! He had not a single clue about what, in the bloody Hell!, was wrong with the utter menace! He blinked once.Twice. Then he swallowed uneasily before trying, again!, to free himself...
Potter flushed and he squirmed, clearly attempting to keep contact. Then he allowed that overly... familiar... hand of his to fall away, with a sigh of desperate frustration. Severus's back -so suddenly bereft of the auror's support- plopped against the pillows, like and emptying balloon, and a sudden flash of blue arouse from the ward on his arm...
Green eyes settled over the limb with a distressed kind of agony: ' Did I hurt your arm? Gosh! I... I am so sorry! '
The words rang, in the growing silence, when Severus didn't bother to respond. He was busy frowning at the steadily paling face of his companion. Dark brows furrowing together into the elegant lines of thoughtful reflection. ' What game, exactly, are we playing at here, Potter? ' He demanded at last. Pronouncing every single word carefully. Concisely. Frosty tone clearly implying that he'd take no more nonsense from the child.
Potter sat upon the mattress. A soft, embarrassed moan breaking away from slightly trembling lips, as his hand -wide and tanned- raked strangely twitchy fingers, all over that wild mop of black hair. ' We are not playing any games, Severus '
The answer was quietly voiced. Green eyes settled over his own, offering him nothing but sincerity. No! No... -Apparent sincerity!-
' You used Felix Felicis against me! That doesn't sound like a game we are NOT playing, Potter! There are all kinds of ethical reasons why that potion should be banned! It should have been condemned -years ago!- into utter obscurity, carefully locked inside the same cabinet as the Amortencia and all the others just like it!'
Bright green eyes widened in sickened dismay. ' You are taking all of this out of proportion, Professor! Felix Felicis doesn't force you to do anything against your will! '
Severus's own bark of laughter was a croak of bitter derision: ' Doesn't it? It allows whoever drinks it to get away with whatever takes their fancy! They all get the instinct they need, in order to manipulate everyone around them, into giving them -exactly- what they want! Or do you really think there was, ever!, any power on this Earth, that would have convinced me: -ME!, Potter!- into agreeing to swear any kind of Wizard's Oath with you? Let alone one involving my own continuing lack of free will, to top it all off! '
Ashen features seemed to crumple before him. Green, green eyes awash with a sorrow enormous enough to break them, into little shards of shiny, emerald glass: 'Yes. I know! I know I was a bastard! But I honestly never imagined the potion taking that God-awful path! I wish it hadn't done that! But it did and I... I am not sorry!... Do you hear me, Snape?: I. Am. Not. Sorry! I tried -SO HARD!- to get you to listen to me!... But no! Oh, no!, listening to “Harry-Bloddy-Potter!” must be the ultimate sin to the Greatest-Prat-Who-Ever-Held-A-Grudge in this wide Earth! It was just... IMPOSSIBLE! to even say a word to you, without hearing you spout those ridiculous accusations all over the place!'
Temper flared in his chest with the empty excuses. He disliked the implications he could hear and his tone became just... Arctic...! when he growled: ' Ridiculous? Really? Was I being ridiculous when I doubted the intentions of the man who, so very callously, told me he'll rob Draco of his whole soul? Was I being absurd in becoming suspicious of the monster who was, as a matter of fact, actively TRICKING me into SLAVERY? Do you really have the gall to call me names, after your repellently deceptive behaviour, Harry Potter? '
There was a gasp of shattered remorse. Green eyes filling with bright tears that refused to drip down. The auror's face turned chalky pale and the hand that had dared to restrain him, fluttered -quite aimlessly- in the space between them both.
' I only wanted you to listen to me! Just... just listen! It was not so awful a thing to wish for! I've waited for you to wake, with so much hope...! But you... you wanted nothing, NOTHING WHATSOEVER!, To do with me and I... I didn't know what else to do! '
His eyes zeroed in on that flushed face. Attempted to discern just... what the meaning of that senseless diatribe could possibly be. But he failed the task miserably. Gryffindors were, by their very thoughtless nature, quite impossible to analyse. Understanding them or, even more accurately: -trying to understand them- was as futile an endeavour as attempting to grab moon-rays with one's bare hands...!
' I had nothing left to say to you, Potter! I took care of all of that when I thought I was dying! I'd passed on Albus's final instructions, to the best of my ability!, and the rest -as they say- was plainly irrelevant! There was nothing I'd have cared to hear that could have, possibly, fallen from your lips! I was finished with you. Completely and totally finished! The Lord was dead! The war was over! You were finally safe and sound, despite my own expectations, and that set me totally free from the self-imposed task of looking after you... What, On Earth! then, Potter! Could have, possibly, led you to believe that there was even the need for us to meet? '
Silence rang. And rang. And rang! In the awful quiet that ensued... Potter seemed to have been paralysed by his response and he, in all honesty, did not care to continue with such difficult, truly discomfiting conversation. He expected the hard moment to stretch endlessly. The very air to turn bitter with resentment and unvoiced, virulent, accusations. He expected Potter to remove himself from the edge of the mattress and abandon the room, in a storm of fierce silence. But the boy just... sat there! Mournful eyes blinking, painfully, through a virtual sea of trembling, crystalline tears...
' What about what I wanted, professor? ' He finally whispered in a low and ferocious whisper. ' What about the fact that “I” HAVE things to say to you? What about the idea that I deserved, at the very least!, a second of your precious time to tell you that I... I was wrong about you, all along! And you were gone before I even knew it! What about allowing ME! to tell YOU! that there was a time, probably among the worst weeks of my life, when I thought that you had died for real in that blasted shack! Died because I had hated you -in your last moments of life!- enough to: Not. Even. Bother. Trying. To. Save. You! '
Severus's heart had come to a halt. Abruptly. The apology scrapping against his senses, like a million poisoned daggers... ' You were never meant to feel guilty, Potter! Albus and I... We had an agreement: You'd be kept as far away as possible from me, and I'd... I'd protect you from the beast who'd murdered your mother! I had no expectations of loyalty from you and -as I didn't really die, anyway!- there is, now, no reason -at all!- to tie you to those feelings any longer! '
Potter's chuckle was exhausted. A fragile little sound that faltered too easily: ' You are so blind...! '
Trembling fingers breached the space separating them to card through his hair carefully. A single lock of midnight-coloured hair was looped, with utter gentleness, behind the curve of his left ear and he frowned. Paralysed and all but floored by the strange, intimate touch.
' I want to be tied to you, Severus Snape!... I am -Thank Godric!- actually tied to you, quite tightly, through the wording of our vow! A vow that would have never happened without the potion! So... don't even try to make me regret having the good sense of grabbing onto that one chance, with both hands! Felix Felicis might, indeed, be more of a weapon for scoundrels, thieves and manipulators than I have -ever before!- given it credit for. But it did give me exactly what I wanted... It did bring US! here. To this point were your future is virtually entwined with mine... Things might not be, exactly, how I wanted them to be... but, on the bright side, I have now far more time than I ever thought you'd grant me! You can't leave me now, Severus! Will you try to understand that part, at least? You'll have to listen! Not only to what you want to hear! But, also, to the things that I am actually saying...! And I'm praying, Professor! for the day when you'll do more than that! I am hoping -So hard!- for the time to come, when you will also see...! '