My God, your delivery is so bloody perfect. Half the time it's not just that the line is howlingly funny, but that the banter is paced so the next bit of wit strikes precisely so, which makes it twice as funny. You really are a master at milking a cracky premise for all it's worth, making the dialogue crackle and our amused sympathies shift from Harry to Snape and back again (and even to Draco, who really works for me as a whiny, opportunistic, badgering horndog). I love when Harry can hold his own at verbal sparring with Snape; the dialogue resembles a championship tennis match. Also, there are very few writers who can mix screamingly funny lines with hot sex, but you do a smokin' job.
A few of my favorite bits (no, not those bits):
--Mr. Deepest Siberia Feet
--Draco sat up suddenly. “I’m greener pastures,” he said. “I mean, you know. If you’re going strictly by the greenness of the pasture, then certainly mine is greener than yours.”
“You either need a lesson in anatomy or an appointment with a mediwizard,” Snape said grumpily. … "I suggest you not bring up greener pastures again unless you’re looking to be thoroughly mown."
--Snape prowled round the furniture store the same way a panther would have stalked the jungle. His eyes glared balefully, his shoulders slouched, his feet made no noise. He was entirely ready to leap upon the first salesperson he saw and savage them.
“Severus, you’re really not getting into the spirit of this, are you?” Harry asked with a sigh.
“Shopping is not among the pursuits I find enjoyable, no,” Snape answered. (Maybe just because I relate so. hard.)
--Wretched creature; he’d been waiting somewhere and watching until he thought he was in a good bargaining position. Well, Snape would show him an interesting bargaining position or two; he’d put the man on all fours with that ottoman shoved right up his arse. See how that kind of bargaining position worked out for him.
He was just about to draw his wand and get started when Harry groaned again. What can I say? I love Snape being Snape.
--He’d been ill-used during the wars against the Dark Lord, and his body rarely let him forget it. I like that you threw in this fleeting note of reality; it anchors the characters in the midst of all the zaniness.
--He flickered the tip of his tongue, soft as a summer raindrop, over the smooth surface of Harry’s thigh. Whoa! Unexpectedly lyrical. And hot.
--The whole not on the rug! exchange had me in stitches. Especially: “Not on the rug?” Snape had to laugh. “Whatever happened to ‘fuck me, you vicious beast, fuck me harder’? Suddenly your wild cry in the throes of desperate passion is ‘Wait, not on the rug?’”
Harry sat up, scowling. “That rug cost you two hundred Galleons,” he noted dryly.
Snape stopped laughing.
--Very well,” he finally managed. He did hope he sounded blasé about the prospect, and not as though he’d be pressed against the window most afternoons, staring and drooling and quite possibly indulging in marathon wanks.
And then the God-has-no-taste exchange, especially:
“He’s obviously much more interested in dramatic fight scenes than cohesive storytelling,” Snape agreed, feeling pleasantly buzzed from the drink. “I mean, take the fifteen hundreds. What was that about?” OMG, I shrieked. Snape!
--“You’re extra sexy when you blaspheme,” he teased. “Want to bugger me up against the window?”
“And they say romance is dead,” Snape remarked. However, Harry’s nude body would look especially good in the light of the setting sun. “Get naked,” he suggested. They are *clearly* meant for each other.
--“I’m sorry, my somewhat deviant darling, it’s only that curtains are not my forte. You can’t chop them or mince them or spend an hour watching them bubble, and though you can probably kill with one, it’d be a dreadfully mundane death." Hah! *gives JKR a two-fingered salute* Sirius thanks you.
I'm probably in the minority in being glad you stopped before Draco became part of the scenery - I much prefer him on the outside looking in.
Thank you for another absolutely delightful fic. Your genius for creating plausible crack!fics that are so funny I can hardly breathe is simply phenomenal.