SNARRY-A-THON10: FIC: Patronus Play Title: Patronus Play Author:alisanne Rating: R Word count: +/- 4,700 Warning(s): (highlight for spoilers) *Patronus sex, um...that’s it I believe.* Prompt: #244: Snape survives; is exonerated. He and Harry grudgingly work together. They discover that any time both their patronuses (patroni?) are in the same area, the two try to mate. Everyone assumes this means they're a bonded couple, which outrages both of them. Summary: Patronuses love to play, especially when it brings their wizards closer together. A/N: Thank you to my beta readers, who shall remain nameless for the moment, to the person who suggested this fun prompt, and to the fabulous Snarry_A_Thon mods for all their hard work. ♥
Severus Snape threw open the outer doors of The Quibbler offices before stalking inside, robes streaming behind him. He glared at everyone he passed on the way as if daring them to say anything to him. Most of them scurried out of his way, suddenly intent on finding somewhere, anywhere else to be.
Proceeding to Potter’s office, Severus slammed open the door, grimly pleased when it bashed the wall. Unfortunately, it was empty, and, irate, he paced for a few moments, pondering his next step. Obviously, he needed to locate Potter to get to the bottom of the problem. With a snarl, he flung open the door, smirking when people winced and ducked. He was used to that reaction; Severus had cultivated it since adolescence, after all. He almost smiled. And then it was ruined.
Luna Lovegood, editor-in-chief of the newspaper and the current bane of his existence, was approaching, and without any evidence of trepidation. She could be so irritating. He scowled at her and she smiled sweetly. “Back from your trip to Hogwarts already, Professor?”
“Must I remind you that I am no longer anyone’s professor, Miss Lovegood?”
“You’ll always be my favourite Potions professor, Severus.” She tilted her head. “Dear me, your head’s full of Wrackspurts. Are you all right?”
Refusing to allow himself to soften because of a pair of blue eyes, Severus snapped, “There is no such thing as--” He closed his eyes. “Sod it. Where’s Potter? I need to see Potter. Minerva mentioned some very...disturbing things and I need to know if Potter is aware.”
Luna nodded. “Of course you do. He’s in my office. I was just on my way to meet him there.” She smiled, leaning in. “I should have known you’d want Harry, especially given what’s going on,” she confided. “And he’s very experienced with Wrackspurts.”
Severus’ eyes narrowed. “Indeed. And what, as you say, is ‘going on’?” he asked as they walked side by side. Surely she didn’t actually know anything.
“Well, the thing with the Patronuses, of course.” Luna continued walking, blissfully unaware that Severus had stopped.
“Do you mean to tell me that you’re aware of--?” Severus growled. “What exactly are you talking about?” Fuck! Did everyone know?
“Oh, haven’t you seen them?” Luna asked blithely. “They like doing it in front of my office, actually. They’re really adorable. And they do keep the Nargles away.”
“Doing it?” Severus ground his teeth.
“Having sex,” Luna clarified, much to Severus’ chagrin. “But it’s all right. They’re very affectionate.”
Severus closed his eyes. “And you’re sure Potter is in your office?” he gritted out.
“Positive. It’s my job to look after my employees, and to do that I always have to know where they are, don’t I? Oh, and look! There they are.” Luna pointed. “They do so love to play together.”
In the hallway in front of them were two glowing animal forms. Severus gasped. His doe Patronus was being mounted by what looked suspiciously like Potter’s stag Patronus, and as they watched, the two turned their heads to regard them.
The stag gave an emphatic thrust as if to say, ‘Mine,’ and then shuddered. Dismounting, it then minced away and walked towards Luna’s office before dissipating.
Severus, frozen in place, stared gobsmacked at his doe, who after tossing her head, also dissipated without so much as a by-your-leave or even an apologetic look.
Luna patted his arm. “Right, as I said, they do love to play. Let’s find Harry, shall we?”
Hands clenched into fists and lips compressed against the torrent of words that threatened to escape, Severus nodded jerkily. Head held high, he ignored the muttering and looks of the other members of The Quibbler staff and proceeded to stalk into Luna’s office.
There, seated at her desk and looking as gormless as always, was Potter. He seemed startled to see Severus. “Oh, Snape, I was just about to try to contact you.”
“Did you send your Patronus to look for Severus, Harry?” Luna asked. “Because if so...”
“If Potter and I may have a moment alone?” Severus said, closing the door in Luna’s face before she could respond.
“What’s wrong?” Potter asked, getting to his feet.
Severus didn’t reply, he simply took two long steps and, grabbing Potter, slammed him up against the wall. “What do you think you’re playing at?” he growled, face mere inches from Potter’s.
Potter licked his lips and Severus’ gaze flickered down for a second. “Ow! Damn, that hurt!” he said, wincing. “What are you so upset about, Snape?”
“Don’t play the fool with me,” Severus sneered. “Someone must be behind this, and as it’s not me, it must be you. Minerva says she’s been seeing them for months.”
Clearly unnerved, Potter tried to move but Severus wouldn't budge. “Honestly,” he finally cried. “Why don’t you just tell me what it is you’re talking about?”
“Very well,” Severus snapped. “What I am talking about is the fact that our Patronuses, yours and mine, have been fornicating at every opportunity and your stag has been mounting my doe! What I am talking about is that they have been seen engaging in this activity by several members of the public, including our co-workers here at this sad excuse for a scientific newspaper, and even by several members of Hogwarts’ teaching staff! And furthermore, I’ll have you know that I do not bottom, Potter! Now how do you explain that?”
Potter gasped. “Oh my God! I had no idea--”
“Harrumph.” Severus wasn’t mollified. “You had to know!”
“I swear I didn’t.” Potter’s eyes narrowed. “Wait, so your main objection is that my stag Patronus is topping your doe Patronus?” He blinked up at Severus.
“In public!” Severus practically screamed.
“So it’s just the exhibitionism that you object to?” Potter’s mouth quirked and it was all Severus could do not to grab him and snog that bloody smile off his face.
Wait, what? Floored at the turn his thoughts had taken, Severus released his grip on Potter’s shoulders and stepped back to a safe distance. For a moment, he thought he saw a flash of something that could have passed for regret cross Potter’s face. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he muttered, looking away.
“Sorry.” Potter seemed genuine enough, so Severus nodded. “Right, so, why is it happening?”
“If I knew that, I would have stopped it by now,” Severus snapped.
“Yes, I suppose so.” Potter pursed his lips and Severus almost groaned at the display of plump, moist flesh. What was wrong with him? “Have you seen them doing, er, it?”
Severus dragged his eyes away from Potter’s mouth. “In the hallway just now.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “They were...performing for the staff, myself and Lovegood, bold as you please.”
“Had you sent your Patronus out earlier?” Harry asked.
“I sent her out in reply to Lovegood’s query about when I would be returning,” Severus replied. “She was supposed to deliver the message and then dissipate, instead she hung about to have sex with your bloody stag!”
“And I sent my stag out a couple of hours ago to let Ron and Hermione know I was going to be late meeting them for dinner.” Potter sighed. “This is so weird! They must be waiting about after they deliver their messages and then they--” He blushed and Severus had a perverse desire to embarrass him further.
“And then they fuck,” he said crudely.
Instead of flustering Potter, however, the word seemed to amuse him. “Yeah, I suppose so.” He smirked. “Although they could have been making love, how would we know unless--” Potter froze, biting his lip.
“How much do Patronuses understand, d’you think? Maybe we could just ask them why they’re doing it.”
Severus blinked. “I’ve never communicated in that way with my Patronus before,” he said, thoughtful.
“Me either.” Potter shrugged. “Can’t hurt to try, can it? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“They could proceed to not answer and then do it again here in front of us,” Severus deadpanned.
Potter grinned. “Well, I for one am interested to see it.” At Severus’ look he held up a hand. “Seriously! Everyone else has, why shouldn’t we?”
“I witnessed it earlier, and at the moment, I have no desire to once again see my Patronus being mounted by yours,” Severus sneered.
“Maybe you need to get yours a strap-on,” Potter murmured.
Severus’ wand was in his hand and pointed at Harry before he could ponder the implications of his action.
Potter was already looking apologetic. “Sorry! It just slipped out.” Potter’s hands were raised, and after a moment, Severus nodded, sliding his wand back into his sleeve.
“See that nothing else slips out,” he finally said. “Now, if you are done with the jokes, shall we summon our Patronuses? And I believe you should go first since this is your experiment.”
Nodding, Potter drew his wand and closed his eyes, a beatific smile crossing his face.
Telling himself he was paying close attention solely for research purposes, Severus stared at him and when, a moment later, a bright light shot out of his wand and coalesced into a stag, he almost smiled.
The stag waited for Potter to open his eyes and acknowledge it. “Hello,” Potter said to it. “Can you...communicate at all?”
It blinked slowly but didn’t respond otherwise.
“This is utter foolishness,” Severus muttered.
Potter shot an unreadable look his way before leaning forward and whispering something to the glowing stag. It responded immediately by turning its head and staring at Severus before bowing in his direction.
“Thanks,” Potter said to it, a smile playing about his mouth. “That’s what I thought. You can go.”
To Severus’ surprise, the stag slowly and deliberately shook its head ‘no’ before prancing to the corner where it stood facing him as if waiting for something. “What did you say to it?” he asked, frowning.
“I asked if there was anyone he really liked taking messages to.”
Severus raised an eyebrow. “So you think that it enjoys bringing me messages?”
Potter shrugged. “Apparently he likes you. And he does seem to be waiting for something. Maybe you should summon yours now.”
“Not before you banish him,” Severus said, arms crossed.
“I thought I should see what he does when your Patronus appears.” Potter raised his own eyebrow when Severus simply stared at him. “Surely you’re not embarrassed?”
“Certainly not.” Severus drew his wand, and after shooting a look at Potter, he closed his eyes and conjured his Patronus. As always, a rush of joy filled him just as she burst from the end of his wand and galloped into the room.
She stood before him, her soulful eyes gleaming at him. Severus leaned forward, just as Potter had. “Can you understand me?”
Bending her head, she nodded slowly, deliberately.
Of course. She’s mine after all. Licking his lips, he asked, “Very well. So is there anyone to whom you particularly prefer taking messages?”
As he’d half expected, she immediately turned her liquid eyes towards Potter. What Severus didn’t expect was for her to move towards Potter and curl up at his feet.
“Hey, I think she likes me,” Potter said.
“I cannot tell you how relieved that makes me,” Severus deadpanned. “Now, if this ridiculous experiment is over--” Raising his wand, Severus tried to banish her, but all that did was galvanize Potter’s stag, which moved towards his doe. It nuzzled her, and her head turned to face him.
Severus rolled his eyes. “I refuse to stay here and watch this,” he muttered.
“Oh, I dunno,” Potter said, a curious note in his voice. “They look sort of...tender together, don’t you think?”
“Don’t be absurd.” Severus refused to look at either Potter or the snuggling Patronuses.
“No, really,” Potter insisted. “You should see this.”
“I’ve already had the pleasure, thank you,” Severus said, voice imbued with sarcasm.
“Well I haven’t, so--” Potter leaned forward, an inquisitive look on his face. “You know, it almost feels as if we should create some ambience for them or something.”
“If you suggest soft music and floating candles I will hex you,” Severus growled.
Potter smirked. “You’re not very romantic, are you?”
“I believe I can be excused in this instance.” Severus crossed his arms and stared at the wall as, out of the corner of his eye, he could sense glowing figures moving. “Even the Wizengamot wouldn’t blame me.”
“You should see this, Snape,” Potter said, a strange note in his voice.
“I told you, I’ve already--”
“Just look, you stubborn git!”
Against his better judgement, Severus turned his head and froze. Instead of fornicating, the Patronuses were still...cuddling, and Potter’s stag seemed to be spooning his doe. “Why aren’t they having sex?” he muttered.
“Maybe they just wanted to...snuggle?” Potter suggested. “I think it’s sort of sweet, actually.”
“Bloody Gryffindors.” Severus shook his head. “You’re all fools for romance.”
“Well, you must have some romance in you, too.” Potter inclined his head towards the glowing animal forms. “After all, your doe doesn’t seem to mind my stag’s attentions.”
“She’s hardly an extension of my personality,” Severus sniffed, and even as the last word left his mouth, the Patronuses faded, still nuzzling all the way.
“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Potter said. “So how do we figure out why they’re doing this? Hermione would say that we need to do some research.”
“I’m not even aware of any treatises documenting Patronuses as independently thinking beings,” Severus said, thoughtful.
“I bet Hermione could help us,” Potter murmured. “She works for the Department of Mysteries now. I’d say this would be classified as mysterious.”
“I am fully as competent to do research as Miss Granger,” Severus snapped.
“Yeah, but she has access to more, well, mystery stuff than you do.” Potter raised an eyebrow. “Or we can see what you come up with.”
“I refuse to tell anyone else about this untenable situation.” Severus started for the door. “Do not send your Patronus anywhere for the next few days until I sort this out.”
“I can send it if I have an emergency, though, right?” Potter called after.
“Just stay out of emergency situations,” Severus said, slamming the door behind him. Stalking away, he began planning which books he would need. Perhaps the Malfoys would allow him access to their library... He didn’t see Luna smiling dreamily after him.
“I told you not to conjure your Patronus!” Severus raged at Potter three days later. They were in his office, where Severus had all but dragged Potter after many fruitless hours in the Malfoy and Hogwarts libraries. “Why do you never listen to me?”
“And as I’ve been trying to tell you, I haven’t conjured him!” Potter seemed as irate as Severus. “And anyway, yours has been spotted, too! Unless you’ve been calling her, it means they’re doing it themselves.”
“I have not. And don’t remind me.” Severus scowled. “As unlikely as this is, it appears you are correct. It seems they are now independent of our control and can appear at will. They clearly don’t require us to conjure them anymore.”
“Did you hear?” Potter sighed. “They were even spotted going at it in the Atrium at the Ministry!”
“One blessing is that not everyone knows what our Patronuses look like.” Potter made a noise and Severus glared at him. “Or do they?”
“I suppose this means that your insufferable friends are all aware of the issue now?” Severus collapsed into his chair. “Merlin, could you not for once have kept your mouth shut?”
“Hey, it’s not as if I took out an advert in the paper or anything, but enough people know what mine looks like, and the Patronuses aren’t exactly trying to hide, are they?” Severus simply stared at him until he sighed. “So yeah, Hermione Flooed me yesterday and asked what was going on; she recognised my stag, she’s seen it often enough, after all.”
“As I said,” Severus muttered. “Insufferable. So, does she have any ideas?”
Potter grinned. “She does, and she said she’d be here today at--” an Apparation crack sounded, “--this time. Hey, ’Mione.”
“Harry. Snape.” Granger nodded towards them and immediately began emptying the contents of her pockets out onto the desk. “As I told Harry, I’ve been looking into the problem and I think I’ve an idea.”
As Granger began unshrinking the items she’d brought, Severus glared at Potter, who blushed. “What? I figured it couldn’t hurt to have her look into it.”
“Indeed.” Leaning forward, Severus eyed the assorted parchments and books Granger had deposited in front of them, blinking. “Wait, is that a copy of Mallory’s Guide to Magick Moste Mysterious?” he asked, impressed despite himself.
“Um hm.” Granger smirked. “The only copy still in existence. We have all sorts of interesting things rattling about in the Department of Mysteries, actually. Anyway, when I saw the Patronuses yesterday, it occurred to me that what’s happening may be something to do with the compatibility of your Patronuses in combination with your shared life debts. It’s possible that they’ve formed some sort of link--”
Potter cleared his throat and discreetly rolled his eyes. “Hermione, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I really care how it happened. Just...do you know how to stop it?”
Granger huffed. “Well I’m sure Professor, I’m sorry, I mean Mister Snape cares.”
Severus shared an amused look with Potter. “I’m sure this is of great intellectual interest, Miss Granger, however, Potter’s right. The question at hand is, do you or do you not know how we can reverse whatever it is that’s happening?”
“I think so.” Granger grabbed a parchment and held it out to him. “I found this when I was searching for information on Patronuses. Did you know that there have been rogue Patronuses in the past?”
Severus narrowed his eyes as his inspected the paper. “But this indicates that Potter and I have to--”
“Have to what?” Potter asked, moving closer.
“To break the link, I believe you and Snape will have to have sex.” Granger blushed. “I can keep looking for another solution, but--”
“Sex?” To Severus’ shock, Potter was grinning. “Really?”
“Sex with me,” Severus reminded him. His eyes narrowed when Potter’s expression didn’t change. “You should be upset. Why aren’t you upset?”
Granger looked back and forth between them for a moment. “Right. Well, I’ll just be on my way, then.” Picking up the parchments, she slipped them back into her pockets. “I’ll keep researching, just in case.” With that, she disappeared, leaving them alone.
Severus sighed. “Damn, she took Guide to Magick Moste Mysterious,” he lamented.
Potter chuckled. “I bet she’d lend it to you if you asked nicely.”
“Nicely?” Severus pursed his lips. “I’ll probably never see it again.” He shook his head. “Well, since we still don’t have an answer--”
“But we do have an answer. She told us what we had to do.”
“Yes, and you seem remarkably sanguine about it.” Severus frowned. “Why?”
Potter suddenly looked nervous. “Er, well, I’ve always sort of fancied you, actually.” He sighed. “And this wasn’t how I imagined telling you.”
Severus rose to his feet. “Always?”
“Since being an adult, anyway.” Potter nibbled his lower lip in that utterly distracting way he had. “It’s part of the reason I took the job here, actually. Gave me a chance to work with you.”
“Indeed.” Refusing to soften despite the elation Potter’s words had elicited, Severus came around the desk and leaned against it, arms crossed. “Perhaps you are why this is happening, then. Our Patronuses sense your interest in me and are acting upon it because of you.”
Potter placed his hands on his hips. “Then why is your Patronus participating? It looks to me like she’s even enjoying herself most of the time.” Then, Potter smirked. “You want to know what I think? I think you like me, too, only you won’t admit it.”
“Fine.” Potter was suddenly directly in front of him, and Severus had to fight the urge to retreat, not that he had anywhere to retreat to, backed as he was against the desk. “Prove you don’t want me.”
“We hardly have a choice, do we?” Severus said stiffly. “It appears to be the only way to get the Patronuses to stop their unseemly displays.”
“Right. Well if that’s the only reason you’re doing it then forget it.” Potter began to turn away. “I’m sure we can manage to keep the identities of our Patronuses secret, and people will lose interest eventually--”
“I didn’t say it was the only reason.” Severus clasped Potter’s arm before he could move away.
Potter looked down the hand on his arm, then up at Severus. “Why else, then?” he whispered.
“You’re attractive enough that your attention is flattering--”
“Stop it.” Potter was now nose to nose with him. Severus swallowed hard. “Just spit it out. Do you or do you not fancy me?”
“Bloody stubborn--” Severus sighed as Potter’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, all right. Yes, I fancy you. Inasmuch as I--”
“You talk too much,” Potter whispered. “We need to do this and we both want to, so what’s the issue?”
“What if it doesn’t work?”
Potter smirked, pressing closer. Severus inhaled sharply as he felt the proof of Potter’s arousal digging into his groin. “Then I guess we just have to try over and over again until it does,” he purred. “My place all right to start?”
“It’s...acceptable.” Severus smirked. “You know, Potter,” he murmured as they prepared to leave. “You do occasionally have some decent ideas.”
“Decent ideas are not exactly what I have right now,” Potter replied.
Severus smiled. Yes, his evening was definitely looking up.
Yawning, Severus stretched, feeling more relaxed than he had in years, possibly decades. He tensed for a moment when he felt an arm tighten over his bare midsection, then relaxed again. Potter was still there - he hadn’t left.
A curl of warmth spread through him and Severus moved his hand, resting it on Potter’s shoulder, allowing his mind to drift back over the previous evening’s activities.
They landed in Potter’s front hallway, and Severus looked around recognising the redecorated Grimmauld Place. A moment later, however, he had something more important to concentrate on: Potter’s lips pressed to his, mobile and soft, tempting, juicy, and utterly delicious.
Severus’ tongue pushed into Potter’s mouth and was met with enthusiasm, welcomed, even. They practically melted together there in the hallway, teeth clashing, lips devouring, hands everywhere.
Somehow their clothes disappeared; Severus was too busy trying to touch every spare inch of Potter that he could reach to notice exactly where they went.
With their mouths still locked together, Potter backed him against the wall. The sudden movement dislodged the curtain that covered Walburga Black’s vitriolic portrait with predictable results.
“Shirtlifters! Faggots!” she shrieked. “Get out of my house!”
Severus froze, lifting his face away from Potter to stare into his eyes. “You didn’t get rid of her?”
Potter groaned. “Can’t. She’s bloody stuck to the wall. Not even Kreacher can move her.”
“Then I suggest we relocate so we don’t have to listen to this,” Severus snapped. “I’m rapidly losing interest here.”
A moment later they were landing in the centre of a large bed, Potter on top of Severus. He could still hear distant screaming, but now it wasn’t enough to distract him from the tantalizing slide of Potter's prick against his. “Better,” he murmured.
“Yeah, it does seem to have perked you up,” Potter quipped, shifting so that he was lying between Severus’ spread legs.
“What do you want to do now?” Severus whispered.
“Well,” Potter replied, his hands gliding over Severus’ bare chest. “Seems to me that to be thorough, we need to do everything we can think of. Who knows what it’ll take to get our Patronuses to behave.”
“Our Patronuses.” Severus blinked. “Right. Of course.”
Leaning down, Potter nuzzled Severus’ jaw. “Unless you have a better idea?”
“No, no.” Severus moved his hands down to Potter’s arse. “That seems...sound.”
“Thing is--” Potter continued, mouth sliding down across Severus’ chest, “--I can think of a lot of things to do.”
Severus moaned as Potter’s tongue twirled around his nipple. “Then by all means, let’s get started,” he gasped. “Although, I feel I must remind you of one thing.”
“What’s that?’ Potter asked, raising his head from Severus’ skin.
“I do not bottom.”
Potter grinned. “I guess we’ll see about that, won’t we? After all, we do need to try everything.”
And try almost everything they did. They sucked each other, Severus fucked Potter twice -- once with Potter riding him -- and they had even wanked each other to completion in the wee hours, panting together as they came. As it turned out, Potter really liked it when Severus whispered dirty nothings in his ear.
They had finally fallen asleep at dawn, bodies wrapped around each other.
“Let’s skive off work,” Potter muttered, his face buried in Severus neck.
Severus smiled. “What would Lovegood say?”
“We can send her a message. Use our Patronuses.” Potter lifted his head. “It’d be one way to see if our experiment worked.”
“And if it didn’t?”
Potter shrugged. “Then we just have to keep trying.” He smiled. “In fact, I think we may have to continue this even if they do stop shagging in public. You never know what might set them off again.”
“Potter, you do seem to be full of good ideas this morning,” Severus said, and, in a sudden movement, he rolled Potter onto his back. Smirking down at him, he purred, “Now, I have thought of a few more things we need to try--”
Luna lifted her head from her paperwork at nine thirty-five, sensing something. A moment later, a stag Patronus floated into her office and approached her desk. “Oh, hello.”
It bowed its head and Harry’s voice sounded clearly in the room. “Something’s come up, Luna. I won’t be in until next week. Nothing bad, don’t worry, just...something I have to take care of, yeah? See you next week.”
Smiling, Luna had just opened her mouth to reply when another Patronus, this time a doe, stepped through the wall and pranced up to her desk. “Ms. Lovegood, this is Snape and I have been...unavoidably detained, therefore I shan’t be in until next week. Fortunately, I am ahead in my projects, so that isn’t an issue.”
Luna grinned. “Brilliant.” Eyes twinkling, she pulled out her wand and waved it, cancelling the Binding Spell she’d placed on Harry’s and Severus’ Patronuses. “Good work, you two. I think this has been a success, don’t you?”
The stag bowed, casting a look at the doe, who simply tossed her head.
Luna giggled. “Oh I know you two like each other. My charm would never have worked otherwise. And yes, you can continue to shag, you just don’t have to be so...public with it anymore.”
For a second it appeared the doe winked, then the two moved closer, beginning to nuzzle. While they were still touching, they faded from sight, and Luna sighed happily. She did so love being editor-in-chief and taking good care of her people.