spfestmod (spfestmod) wrote in snape_potter, @ 2013-12-12 12:59:00 |
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Entry tags: | fic, rating: r, secret snarry swap13 |
Secret Snarry Swap: Rouge
Title: Rouge
Author: lovetoseverus
Prompted by: accioslash
Rating: R
Word count: 4,300 words
Content/Warning(s): (highlight for spoilers) *Cross-dressing, gender confusion*
Summary/Prompt: Every year at Christmas, Severus secretly buys himself something special. This year, Harry finds out.
A/N: First of all, thank you to my recipient for suggesting this amazing prompt. It really captured me and I hope what I've done here tickles at least some of the itch. Thanks also to my beta, ChooseToLive, who always makes me dig deeper, even when I think I've already got it all on the page; to Tamzen, who offered me some valuable insight and perspective; and to the mods, for their seemingly never-ending patience. Happy Snarry-filled holidays to all!
He was five and clutching his mum's hand while the latest doctor in a string of specialists said one ridiculous thing after another.
"Mrs. Snape—"
"Eileen."
"Eileen," the doctor conceded, looking slightly exasperated. "Gender abnormalities, such as the fixation on female—"
"There is nothing wrong with my son."
"I am not suggesting there is. I am merely trying to explain that when a child's aptitudes and interests deviate from accepted norms, those traits may suggest a conflict or confusion about gender."
Echoes of the words 'problem' and 'not normal' and 'requires treatment' flooded Severus' mind, blurring like red smears across the page of his life. What was so wrong with wanting to wear a skirt? Or enjoying the look and feel of women's clothes?
It was only when he was a woman that he felt safe.
He was nine and watching the girl who lived down the street, transfixed by the way her long red hair whipped about her shoulders as she ran through the park. He plucked at a lock of his own hair, then just above his ears, and vowed it was the last time he was ever going to let anyone cut it short.
And as Lily grew, so too did Severus' attachment. Oh, how he envied her. Even in something as pedestrian as a school uniform, her power was undeniable. Her magic was strong, yes, but her femininity was stronger – especially with men. She was the embodiment of beauty and Severus longed to emulate her; to have others look upon him that way.
Especially the men.
He was seventeen and having his first sexual encounter, with a man nearly ten years his senior. The grimy pub on the east side of town was far away from anyone Severus might know, its clientele a stream of anonymous regulars, its back room a haze of red lights, cigarette smoke and soft groans.
Somehow the man had known, had sensed in Severus what he could barely understand himself, and offered him a dress to wear. It wasn't a pretty thing, but the effect was immediate. Being feminized was such a different feeling than the vulnerability and terror he often felt as a man, and the power that coursed through him – at hiking the garment up over his thighs while the man dropped to his knees, sucking Severus' prick between thin lips – was heady.
In that moment, masculinity and femininity coalesced, blurred, combined.
He was twenty-five and in his fifth year of teaching when he ordered his first item. He remembered the catalog he'd received by mail, with its glossy pages and ornate, red logo. For years afterwards, he'd claim the Muggle establishment hadn't received word of his mother's passing, for he continued to receive it every three months, the label still addressed to Eileen Snape.
The desire for beautiful garments quickly bled to his regular wardrobe, too, and he was never more glad of the fact that the Wizarding world had scarcely emerged from the Victorian era in terms of fashion. It allowed him to cultivate a look that suited both his inner and outer worlds, and as such, he rarely deviated from it: a linen, high-collared shirt, brocade waistcoat, woven trousers and floor-length, flared robes. But even more than that, it was the boots: the small blocky heel, the gracefully tapered toe, the laces that could be tightened from toe to shin, holding him tight, secure, safe.