This is where I am right now. This is another way of understanding the room.
I had this entry half-written a moment ago and I accidentally exited the program like an idiot I am trying not to call myself an idiot and trying not to beat myself up over it because everyone makes mistakes.
Mistakes are okay. But I lost so much of what I was saying I don't know if I can remember it all I don't know if I can get it back it's okay if I don't get it all back, it's okay if I don't post the whole thought process I went through. I did go through that process and what I learned from it is still in me. It was still helpful.
I am making some food to eat while I write this because it's easier to make that kind of silly mistake, the kind that sets me back for the rest of the day week month year when I'm hungry.I came to this realization last night when I was rereading part of
Darkness Bright. This part of it really requires a
SPOILER WARNING so I had better put it
( under a cut. )But so this is the thing. I have forged this chain for myself. It is a chain of excuses that I use to keep from confronting the fear.
In the post I accidentally deleted I spent a few paragraphs figuring out that I don't want to confront the fear because my mother taught me it was never okay to be afraid, except in the face of a physical threat.
My mother's attitude was that emotions are imaginary. My mother's attitude was that emotional pain is oversensitivity. My mother's attitude was that if there is nothing actually in the physical world trying to hurt you, you're fine. And my mother's response to my fear and emotional pain was to tell me I couldn't have a hug until I was willing to be reasonable.
So I built the room, I forged the chain, so I could say I can't instead of I'm afraid.
The longer I stay in the room and clutch the chain tight around me, the more the fear grows. It feeds on itself and grows larger. Because now, in addition to failure and success and whatever else I am/was originally afraid of, I have to be afraid of the fear too.
"Nothing to fear but fear itself." Oh,
only.
One of my therapists told me she observed me having a lot of trouble naming my emotions. It's true. I have a huge amount of trouble admitting that I feel whatever way, and when someone asks me, how does that make you feel, I spend fifteen minutes desperately justifying my right to feel that way before they can finally drag it out of me: hurt. Sad. Angry. Afraid.
I have no difficulty showing them. I have extreme difficulty hiding them. That is the "oversensitive" that started it all.
No it didn't. No. I have to tell myself: it's okay that I have emotions. It's okay that I express them. It is not the fault of my sensitivity that my mother thought it was wrong.
Thinks.
What started it all: her intolerance of my right to feel.
"Don't let it get to you" was her favorite thing to say. It has taken me these twenty-seven years to realize that that is victim-blaming.
The framework I have for "negative" emotions is that they are inconveniences and I should not trouble other people with them. So I spend a lot of time not telling anyone about the feelings I have. My doctor asks me am I anxious or depressed and I tell her no, no, everything is fine, I'm happy, I just need to get organized and everything will fall into place.
I don't tell her I am terrified of trying, or that I have no expectation of ever being able to get organized.
Which is strange, when I think about it, because I was the most organized child in the history of the world.
This is the chain: it will take too long, it will be too hard, someone else will have to come and
do it for me help me, if I can just get
someone else to fix it for me
this one time I will never let it get this bad again.
Usually I wind up letting it get worse every time.
Because the size of the problem is not what's overwhelming me. It doesn't matter how many dishes I let pile up in the sink; I know it will only take me a few hours to deal with them. It doesn't matter if there are only a few; I still won't do it. It's not the size of the problem or the shape of the problem or the time it will take. It's the fear.
I tell myself "I will do it but not right now" to keep from telling myself "I will never do this thing."
It isn't never. It doesn't have to be. But it feels like never.
This is the thing: oftentimes, if I can't think of a way to explain why I'm not doing it, if I have to just admit to myself that I'm afraid and I have no other excuse, I will do the thing. That is why, for instance, I passed my speech class. Why I went to the doctor on Monday. (Yes, I spent all day Monday going back and forth and
not wanting being afraid to go to the doctor. Yes, I went anyway because I could not come up with any excuse not to go.)
The chain is so I don't have to do things I am afraid of. If I can't find a link in the chain that will work as an excuse, I will go and do the thing. But as soon as I think of an excuse, there's no way I will do it.
"This is an excuse," I have to learn to say to myself. "I am holding onto the chain because I don't want to face my fear."
And so, last night, reading that passage of
Darkness Bright, I thought about Chains, I saw the card in my mind, and I went and got my deck and dealt the Celtic Cross.
Helpful forces surround you, the cards said to me. If you reach out your hand you can take what you need. Everything you are searching for is available if you but see it. If you would just keep walking down the path it would lead somewhere.
And I reached for the penultimate card, the card representing the results of my actions, what I am doing to the situation, to myself. I placed my hand on the back of the card and before I turned it over I knew: it was Chains.
I turned over the card. There it was. Chains. The image at the top of this post. And I said aloud, "Yeah, I knew that already. That's what I'm asking about, remember?"
And I sat for a while and I contemplated chains, and the post I was going to make today.
Then I turned over the final card, the road ahead of me and where it is leading.
The Three of Wands. Planning, teamwork, the pulling together of different elements and forces to accomplish a goal, not haphazardly but with a careful strategy. Each element complements the others. I can't do this alone. I can't do it haphazardly. I need a strategy, a balanced approach that doesn't rely
only on thought or
only on action.
Because that is what has been happening, my whole life. I say "I don't understand how to make myself do this thing" and I spend all my time trying to think it through; my mother (and others) says "You just do it" but that doesn't work because I don't know what to just do.
I need to find someone to help me with figuring out the plan, and I need support in carrying out the action.
But I can't afford therapy is an excuse to stay in the room. There are other ways to find someone to help. Even talking to Nigel and to people on the internet has helped. And Nigel and I can be a team about this too.
I have to tell my father. I have to tell him so he doesn't set me back by saying, when are you going to apply to jobs. Because I will
eventually need someone to ask me that but it is too far ahead on the list of baby steps. Right now I need someone to be happy with me that I showered two days in a row.
Hey! Hey! I showered two days in a row! I got dressed and put in some earrings and ate a decent meal! I fed the hamsters, and I made this post, and yesterday I worked out!
Depression is whispering, you will forget to shower tomorrow, you will forget to work out on Monday, you couldn't find the mousse to do your hair, this is not a trend, don't get too comfortable, don't get too proud of yourself.
I am not going to listen. I am going to put clean sheets on the bed instead. Then I am going to read.
![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
depressed
crushed![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
tired and going back to bed
anxious
accomplished
indifferent
