lookinside (lookinside) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2018-10-13 15:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | #november 2017, hunter, hunter x sebastian, sebastian |
Who: Sebastian & Hunter
Where: Greg’s spare room
When: Late night, Saturday, Nov 18th
Status: Complete
Despite Greg’s protests, Sebastian ended up taking his car instead of leaving it at the school. He didn’t feel high, just happy, and last he checked happiness didn’t impair his ability to drive. It allowed him and Hunter the ability to leave the bonfire when they were ready, and meant he’d have his car in the morning to drive Hunter home. While he was fine riding with Greg and Phee tonight, there was no way he was going to wake up Greg, even just to find his car keys, if his sister happened to be in bed with him.
It was late when Sebastian suggested they sneak off, the fire starting to burn low and the crowd starting to thin out. He’d had fun, but he was ready to be alone with Hunter, especially since chances like this were truly rare for them. Maybe at the next dance he’d splurge and get them a hotel room. He had the feeling Greg might appreciate that as well, though he was starting to think of the spare room as his. His and Hunter’s. When they finally made it there, Sebastian locked the door behind them, then turned to his boyfriend with a little grin.
Hunter couldn't remember a single night that had felt this good and that included Christmas as a kid. It all felt like a fairy tale and he was practically floating by the time they got back to Greg's place. "How do you feel?" he asked and it felt like his smile was in his eyes, on his skin, in his voice, like a flavor coating everything. He felt excited as he asked because it was a big deal, coming out. Especially after waiting so long and being so hard on himself all that time. It had to feel amazing, Hunter thought and he was sure he was right, judging by the gleam in Sebastian's eyes.
“Incredible,” Sebastian answered with a little laugh. He’d thought he’d be a lot more worried about how people might react, but nothing bad had happened. The world hadn’t ended. And most people had been super cool about the whole thing. The relief at no longer having to carry that burden was huge and he felt like they should celebrate the freedom that came with it. “I’m so glad to have that behind me. And now I get to be with you,” he said, moving closer to Hunter. “We can go out on dates. And hold hands. And I can kiss you goodnight on your porch. Or wherever.”
"I'm so proud of you," Hunter said with a happy little laugh, quickly pushing himself against Sebastian and wrapping his arms around his waist. "And I'm so happy." He was imagining all those occasions Sebastian mentioned and his stomach was a riot of butterflies. They could go on proper dates now, they could go everywhere as a couple, he'd actually get his awesome gay prom like he'd always dreamed of.
It was exactly what Sebastian wanted to hear, that he was the kind of boyfriend Hunter could be proud of, one that made him happy. He’d felt like such a disappointment lately, both to Hunter and his family and even sometimes his friends, that it was so nice to finally do something right for a change. It was hard to imagine feeling any better than he did at the moment, with Hunter in his arms, pressed against him, finally alone. He kissed him softly, his hands rising to frame his face, fingers brushing across his neck as he pulled him close. This couldn’t be any more perfect.
"I keep thinking about fucking you," Hunter whispered against his lips. "Or you me... Do you ever think about it?" It seemed so easy to talk about it, easier than normal but it was just that kind of night. He was too happy to worry about anything and while he still wasn't sure when he wanted to do this exactly, he apparently wanted to talk about it right now.
Sebastian groaned softly, his body pressing against Hunter’s as his hands tightened just a touch on his neck. He’d been torn between thinking and not thinking about it all night. It was where his mind wanted to go, but definitely not something he needed to think about in public, not unless he wanted to be visibly hard. “Yeah,” he whispered. Even if it felt easier to talk about, he still felt the need to do so quietly, making the conversation even more private than it already was. “I just wasn’t sure if you might be into that and… and I didn’t want you to feel pressured.”
"I never feel pressured by you," Hunter replied, lowing his voice to a near whisper since Sebastian was being quiet. "You're the perfect boyfriend, I know I could say no to you and you wouldn't get bitchy about it but I never want to say no to you. I'm like... super excited about it but also kinda scared, like, what if it's gross or something. It seems like it could be gross... but it's always so hot in porn."
“I’m not perfect,” Sebastian said, because even through the happy haze that he was living in he still knew that. He tried to be, but everyone’s definition of perfect was different and it was exhausting. Sometimes he just wanted to be him. “I’m afraid it might hurt,” he admitted. “But I know people wouldn’t do it if it did. And, like, what if I like it, but you think it’s gross, will you think I’m gross?” He laughed a little, then bit his lip. “Everything’s hot in porn. And they make it look easy.”
"I've seen porn where it looked like it really hurt," Hunter said and wrinkled his nose. "But yeah, most of it is like... they really really like it and it makes me wonder. Both ways, I mean. I wouldn't think you're gross, no way. If it's gross we'll just shower right after so when we do it we have to do it somewhere with a bathroom right next door, I think... If we do it, I mean. I mean, I think we will, since we both kinda want to, right?"
“Yeah,” Sebastian agreed, his hands moving lightly over Hunter’s chest, playing with the string on his hoodie. He’d never been so aware of the connected bathroom before, the opportunity so very obvious, but that didn’t mean they had to tonight. Just that they could. “It’s just a matter of when. And doors that lock. Bathrooms. Time. Privacy.” All things they had right now. Gods, he needed to get out of his head. “Would you want to maybe… maybe try things… tonight?” he asked, feeling a blush spread up his neck. “Not that we have to go that far, but…”
"Yeah," Hunter replied breathlessly. "We can go as far as you want," he added with a tightness in his gut that was a mix of nervousness and excitement. He didn't feel as wary of it as he normally did, sure everything would turn out just great but at the same time he couldn't help but remember what Greg had said. "I want us to be sober though," he added reluctantly. "I mean I don't want to wait, but I do! But I don't... What if we really were drugged?" He didn't want his first time to happen only because they were high on something unknown to them, it had to be perfect.
“Then we should wait,” Sebastian said, forehead resting against Hunter’s. “If it wasn’t the first time, I wouldn’t care, but… I need to know what I’m feeling is just us.” He’d often heard the first time wasn’t the best, mostly from straight guys so it probably wasn’t a good comparison, but he also didn’t want them to end up with an unrealistic set of expectations. Because even if it was incredible, they weren’t going to be high every time they did it. “Is that okay?” he asked, all honesty and nerves before his smile turned a bit mischievous and he brushed his lips against Hunter’s. “Can you wait a little longer to fuck me?”
"Not if you ask me questions like that," Hunter laughed because 'fuck me' was not a phrase conducive to making his cock soft. "But yeah, I'll wait as long as you want and I want it to be... real. To know I'm sober. I don't feel high or anything but like, I've never been high so I wouldn't really know. I don't think I am, I'm just really, really happy... And kinda maybe less shy about stuff so maybe I am high?" He let out a little laugh, groaning softly. Now he was just rambling.
“I’ve been high,” Sebastian grinned. “It doesn’t feel like this. This is… I dunno. Different. Like you said, I feel really good. Happy. Less shy. And, like…like I have nothing to worry about.” If he really thought about it, he’d have realized that was probably concerning, that it would come back to him at some point, but right now it was hard to be concerned about anything. Sebastian toed off his shoes and began to pull Hunter towards the bed. “Would you ever want to get high?”
"No, it kinda scares me," Hunter replied and it wasn't that long ago that he would have worried it made him sound totally uncool. It did feel like a gamble though, putting unregulated substances in his body, probably even more so scary after the whole ouija board business. He definitely didn't want to lose himself again. "You've only smoked, right?" he asked as he peeled off his shirt and dropped it on the floor.
Sebastian could understand where Hunter was coming from, in part because it was how he felt about just about everything else. “Yeah, ‘cause I know what it is, you know? Like, weed is weed. It’s not something cooked up in a lab and I’ve never heard of anyone overdosing on it,” he said, pulling off his sweatshirt as well. While he kind of liked the idea of Hunter undressing him, there was no sexy way to take off a sweatshirt. “It’s not something I do often. Just… sometimes,” he shrugged. It could be run in the right company. “Does that bother you?”
"No," Hunter replied honestly. "I just don't know if I want to do it. I'm not going to be all weird about you doing it, unless you start doing it like every day." He couldn't see himself lasting in a relationship with Sebastian if that ended up being the case but he also couldn't imagine Sebastian doing that all the time either so it didn't worry him.
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” Sebastian smiled, but then added on a bit more serious note. “But if it was, please be weird about it. Like, that’s not okay. Something would be wrong.” It was hard for his mind to go there right now, but he still knew that to be the case. The only reason he’d ever want to be high all the time was if something was really, seriously wrong. Sebastian sat back on the bed, pulling Hunter with him, even though they both still had their pants on. “I was just curious. And I… I wanna make you happy.” If it bothered Hunter, he would probably be fine with stopping completely.
"You do make me happy," Hunter pointed out but he was glad to hear Sebastian wasn't planning on becoming a stoner or anything. It was such a turn-off, being high all the time, and he had a hard time picturing Sebastian like that. "I'll quote you on that by the way," he teased. "If I have to stage an intervention or something." He clasped Sebastian's hand and leaned in to kiss his jaw.
“You’re the only thing I could ever be addicted to,” Sebastian grinned, curling into Hunter as he gave his hand a squeeze. He knew how cheesy that had to sound, but Hunter had never minded when he was cheesy or sappy. And it was better than the weirdly serious conversation they’d stumbled onto. Sebastian didn’t want to worry about if they were drugged or not. He just wanted to enjoy the night with Hunter and his free arm wrapped around him as he pulled I’m closer, catching his lips with his own.
"I'll try not to be bad for you then," Hunter replied before their lips met and Sebastian was right, he didn't mind being sappy with him - in fact, he liked that they could be that way without feeling embarrassed about it. Most of all he liked kissing and being close to his boyfriend and now he could. It was amazing, like something truly magical had happened tonight.
Sebastian was in no hurry tonight, enjoying the chance to take things slow when they finally had the chance to. They lazily undressed one another, then climbed beneath the covers to kiss and cuddle and wind each other up at a pace that almost drove Sebastian mad at times. But that was the fun of it and he wasn’t complaining. The night was perfect, Hunter was perfect, and he was sure that absolutely nothing could ruin it for them. And then suddenly, reality began to creep back in. Sebastian was kissing Hunter, his fingers drawing little designs on his bare hips when they began to slow. He couldn’t explain it, but the worry that he’d managed to avoid all night was suddenly there, pulling him back and tightening his lungs. Eventually he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Hunter’s, needing a second to try and pull himself back together. He’d thought he was past this, wanted to be, and yet his brain was going a hundred miles an hour with no sign of stopping.
Hunter didn't quite pick up on the fact that something was wrong. He still felt happy, especially with Sebastian naked in bed with him. It took a moment but then something got his attention, though he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. "Hey," he whispered, cupping Sebastian's cheek with one hand, gently rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone. "Is everything okay?" It was so subtle but there was still a noticeable difference in the way Sebastian was acting, going from kissing and enjoying himself to quiet and withdrawn. "Did I do something?"
“No, you’re perfect,” Sebastian answered, a tiny smile tugging at his lips for just a second before disappearing again. He wanted to hold on to that thought, to stay in the here and now where he was happily kissing his boyfriend senseless, but his mind kept jumping back to what had happened at the dance, then forward to what would happen next. “It just… hit me. What I did. And… What if I fucked up, babe?” There was nothing he could do now to take it back. The whole damn school probably knew. And, to some degree, he realized it could have been worse. A few people had pushed him away, but he’d expected that, even if it sucked. But now that everyone knew, it was only a matter of time before it got back to his parents and that was finally freaking him out.
Hunter had been feeling very happy about the events of the evening but as Sebastian spoke, he started to feel a little apprehension about it. "Why do you think you might have fucked up?" he asked softly, stroking Sebastian's cheek gently. Had he done something to pressure Sebastian to come out of the closet? Had he done something at the dance that tipped Kyle off? God he hoped not, but he still felt guilty like he'd somehow fucked up. Or was it just worry? It was hard to tell the emotions apart.
Sebastian’s eyes fell closed for a moment as Hunter stroked his cheek, the action soothing, helping keep the panic at bay. He hated that this was coming on now, that it was happening at all, but hadn’t he known there would be repercussions to coming out? How was it that he’d forgotten them the rest of the evening? “I haven’t told my parents,” he said, opening his eyes to look back at Hunter as he bit his lip in worry. “They’re gonna find out. If I don’t tell them, someone will.” His mother knew half the cheerleader’s mothers at least and his dad played golf with fathers of guys he played football with. He could only imagine what Kyle would say to his father.
"Wait, you hadn't planned this?" Hunter asked with obvious surprise. Sebastian had seemed so happy, he had just assumed he'd told everyone and that everything was okay. His biggest fear was his parents, why hadn't he worried about that at all tonight? "I thought you- why did you do it?" Hunter had been so happy about it and now... now he wasn't. Now he was just worried.
“If I’d have planned it, I’d have told you,” Sebastian said, honestly wishing that had been the case. If he’d have planned it, he’d have walked into the dance hand-in-hand with Hunter instead of waiting in the car like a coward. “Kyle asked me who my date was and I just—I just told him the truth. I don’t know why, but it felt right at the time.” Even as he said it, he was frowning. He was tired of all the lying, sure, but pretty much anyone would have been a better choice than Kyle. How had he not realized that in the moment? “it still feels right,” he said softly. “I wanted this. I wanted to be out, I wanted us, to be public, I just… really didn’t think the rest through.”
"Hey, I bet it's going to be okay," Hunter said with the optimism of someone whose sexuality had never gotten him into trouble. "I could like... go with you when you tell them." It might not be a good idea and maybe Sebastian wanted to do it alone but Hunter thought maybe his parents wouldn't react as badly if someone else was there, someone not family, someone who was the sheriff's son. "Or... are you gonna tell them?"
Sebastian’s lips turned up at the offer, even if he thought that was a horrible idea. Neither of his parents liked being caught off guard and he couldn’t imagine Hunter being there going over well. He also wanted to protect him from them, at least for now. “I should. I’d rather them hear it from me,” he said, even if thinking about it made him feel slightly ill. “It should just be me, but… I may come hide out at your house after.” Provided they didn’t do something stupid like ground him for it, and even then… if they tried to keep him and Hunter apart, Sebastian wouldn’t let them.
"Yeah just let me know when you do it so I'll definitely be here," Hunter told him, leaning in to kiss him gently. "Greg said you could stay here if things go badly, right?" He sort of wished he had met Sebastian's parents already, it was so hard to gauge just how bad it could be when he hadn't even seen them. Were they cruel? Sebastian and Phee seemed too well adjusted for their parents to be cruel but Hunter couldn't possibly know.
“Yeah,” Sebastian said, kissing Hunter back, needing that closeness even more now. “I don’t think it’ll be that bad, but I never know with my dad. He’s very… He has his own ideas about who I am and who I should be.” And he didn’t like to be told no. Now was when he really wished he and his mom were on better terms, but he couldn’t do anything about it. This was likely to make things worse and all he could think about was what he was going to do if they both rejected him. That scared him more than anything else, the thought that they might no love him anymore.
"What about your mom?" Hunter asked. It would help to have an ally in one parent if the other was cruel about it, he at least hoped it would. Then again he didn't know anything about Sebastian's mom either and it rankled him that he wasn't closer to his boyfriend. They'd been together for a while now, he should know more about his family, right? He only knew Phee a little bit but everything else was a mystery.
“I think she’s still mad at me for helping Reagan,” Sebastian said with a sigh. “We barely talk. I didn’t even tell her I made the play.” Some days it felt like he had an apartment in someone’s house, someone with a personal chef, where he didn’t have to pay rent, but he did chores. They rarely did the big family thing, where they all sat down at the dinner table at night and ate together. They were all too busy and lately that had been fine with him. “Appearances are important to her. This isn’t part of her image, but… she could make it work. She has to.” He was already out, so she wouldn’t have much of a choice.
Hunter gave him a pained little nod. It was strange to be angry at people whose faces he'd never even seen but he was angry, furious in an impotent way. There was nothing he could do to make the situation easier except be there for Sebastian and that just didn't feel like nearly enough. Hunter's dad worked a lot and they still had a good relationship, he still knew he could come to him and tell him things and where his sexuality was concerned, he already had. "I'm sorry," he whispered, moving his hand to thread his fingers through Sebastian's hair.
“No, I’m sorry,” Sebastian said, eyes shutting again as Hunter’s fingers threaded through his hair. “I hate being such a downer. Things were going so well and then— I dunno. It all caught up with me. But I can’t do anything about it right now, so I just wish it’d go away.” He couldn’t just ignore it, but worrying about it now didn’t really serve a purpose. It just made him miserable and even more aware of how dysfunctional his family was. They didn’t look that way, not from the outside, but that was all by design.
Hunter knew he couldn't make it all go away but maybe he could distract Sebastian for a little while and make it easier on him, if only for tonight. "It's okay," he said softly, studying his face and the way his lashes fanned out against his skin. God he looked so beautiful, Hunter wished he could wake up to that face every morning. "It'll all work out." He moved closer and pressed a gentle kiss on Sebastian's lips, his fingers still rubbing lightly at his head.
Sebastian hummed softly as he kissed Hunter back, his hand moving lightly over Hunter’s chest before sliding back down to Hunter’s hip. He liked this closeness, needed it even more than he had before, and tried not to cling to Hunter. He was his light in this mess, the one bright constant that kept him from sinking into the dark. “I love you so much,” he whispered. “I don’t know if I could do this without you.” He wasn’t even sure that he’d want to, but he knew he needed to. He couldn’t keep living a lie, even if it made things easier for him.
"You don't have to," Hunter replied warmly. "I'm right here to see you through it." He kissed him again and the trepidation was slowly evaporating, It was hard to feel on edge about things when he was in bed with his boyfriend Maybe things would be bad for a while but he had to believe they'd come out in one piece on the other side.
Sebastian smiled softly into the kiss and pulled Hunter’s body against his, his worry beginning to dissipate, at least for the time being. His parents were here now, thank god, but his boyfriend was, close and comforting and constant. He knew things would just flare up later, but he was okay with letting it go for now in favor of living in the moment. Things might be more difficult later, so he needed to make the best with the time he had with Hunter, not sure when they’d get to be together like this again.