Starbuck (_starbuck_) wrote in sector9, @ 2013-06-27 14:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | » starbuck, » sydni wilson |
Friday, June 28, 2013
Who: sydni and starbuck
What: sydni is pissed and takes it out on herself
Where: Gym
When: Friday evening
It had almost been pointless taking her laptop to Graham to be fixed because after their conversation, she couldn’t focus on work. Her mind was racing too much - it kept wandering when she needed to focus. she kept reading the same data over and over and it didn’t register. It was a good thing she wasn’t handling any dangerous plants today or she probably would have poisoned herself.
After work, she tried to go home and just have a restful evening. But she was anxious and uptight. she got angrier the more she thought about it. she couldn’t read, couldn’t even watch tv. Now she did want to do something unkind to Graham. Like curse him. Or hit him. Or break one of his precious collectibles. sydni tried to meditate away the anger, but it wasn’t working. Rather than pace a hole in her carpet, and worry Molly needlessly, she grabbed a gym bag and headed off to work out some of this energy.
It was Friday, after dinner time, so the gym was really quite empty. since being rescued, syd had begun taking martial arts lessons from Kim. And from Charlie. It had only been a few months, so she wasn’t a master at it or anything, but she was a serious student. And since running or even swimming was just too passive for the kind of energy she had to work out of her system right now, it was to the punching bag she went.
she was well into her workout when she heard someone else enter. she recognized the scent of the person, but she was too engrossed in beating the crap out of the inanimate object in front of her to think about who it was. she hit it again and again, harder and harder, until she finally hit it too hard. There was an audible crack and she cried out in pain, grabbing her wrist and doubling over. Fuck!
***
Starbuck’s prefered means of exercise involved water, but it wasn’t all he did. Yeah, he spent a good portion of time in the freshwater pool, or out in the ocean when he could get away from the facility long enough. But he did some weight training as well. He’d been lifting for about thirty minutes and decided he’d had enough for the night, because he had a family to get back to, but on his way out he spotted Sydni. And as luck would have it, or perhaps misfortune, he passed by just as she injured herself.
Dropping his water and keys, he rushed over to her. “Easy,” he said urgently, grabbing hold of her arm before she could do more damage. “Let me fix it.”
---
sydni hadn’t expected starbuck to be right there when she hurt herself, and she nearly backhanded him with her good hand when he grabbed her; luckily, she recognized him and stopped herself. Grumbling some curses under her breath, she let starbuck take her hand to do his thing. “You don’t have to,” she said, gritting her teeth against the pain. “It will heal itself pretty quickly,” she reminded him.
***
“No. I don’t have to. But I’m still going to,” he insisted. He could tell she was upset, and therefore probably unreasonable right now and more stubborn than normal. He went ahead and healed what turned out to be a hairline fracture. Sure, she would heal fast on her own, but why wait? She was in pain. “So who where you picturing while murdering that bag?”
---
sydni continued to grit her teeth, partly because she was annoyed that starbuck had been there to see her hurt herself. she didn’t need him to heal her - he shouldn’t have to waste his energy on her. However, she didn’t argue; mostly, she was tired of arguing. she just wanted to beat something into submission. Even if it was just a stupid punching bag.
His question caught her off-guard and she looked at him sharply before gingerly rotating her wrist and finding it completely healed, of course. “Thanks,” she mumbled. “And it’s Graham. He’s being such an ass,” she muttered.
***
While Kim shared a lot with Starbuck, he respected the privacy and need for some secrets with her friends. She hadn’t told him about the issues Sydni and Graham were having, so this was all news to Starbuck. “He is? Graham?” That seemed weird. The guy was usually so... mild. Starbuck couldn’t really think of another way to describe him. They weren’t close by any means, but they interacted through work sometimes, and they’d always gotten along. Graham was nice from what Starbuck could tell.
---
“Yes, Graham,” sydni snapped back. And then sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Apparently, I’m some sort of evil seductress conspiring with Charlie to make a fool out of him because I told him I think he’s cute and his collectibles are cool. Oh, and I made him dinner. I should never have listened to Charlie,” she muttered, looking down at her feet. And finding some reason to fuss over her laces after that little outburst.
***
Moody Sydni wasn’t extremely familiar to Starbuck. She was typically very sweet and nice around him. Of course, there were exceptions. He’d helped her through some rough times before, but those times were few and far between. Usually, she was a positive person to be around.
Right now, she was pissed, confusing too. He struggled to follow her rush of complaints about Graham. Some sort of evil conspiracy that involved food and action figures. What? But the end where she said she shouldn’t have listened to Charlie made Starbuck chuckle. “Well I could have told you that much.” Yeah, the guys were best friends now, but they gave each other shit all the time, and they saw the world differently. So they were probably likely to give different advice.
---
Moody sydni wasn’t even all that familiar to herself. Few people could get her this riled. Charlie, most definitely. But there weren’t many others. And she usually tried to be very conscientious about not taking out her frustration on whatever random bystander happened to come her way, but she also usually felt justified in taking out her anger on the person who had made her angry. Hence, her fighting with Charlie. But Graham just seemed so mixed up about shit, she just couldn’t lash out at him. Also, she hadn’t gotten angry until later.
sydni rolled her eyes at starbuck’s joking. “Not helping,” she said, trying to sound annoyed, but the levity had worked. she smiled a little. “It’s just, I was feeling lonely and Charlie told me to go out and make friends, and he suggested Graham. Which I guess makes sense because we’re both a little nerdy, but I don’t know. Graham thinks me and Charlie cooked up this scheme to make a fool out of him. We had a huge fight about it, and I tried to explain to him today that I’m not really that kind of person, and he just got angrier. It’s not fair,” she added defeatedly.
***
Starbuck sat down on one of the weight benches and patted the other end of it for Sydni to join him. “Why would Graham think that? You and Charlie aren’t the sort to do something mean like that.” It didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Seemed like a weird thing to assume about people, especially since Charlie and Graham had both been at the facility for several years now, so they surely knew each other well enough to not think such things.
---
“I know that!” the brunette exclaimed in exasperation. “But Graham refuses to listen. I guess... it happened to him before. Probably a lot. Well, not that specifically, but that kind of thing. I don’t know why he thinks Charlie would do that... Well.” Pause. “Ok, I have an idea, but it’s kind of a personal thing, so I don’t think I should share it with anyone.” Kim was ok because she was a shrink, but she was pretty sure that Graham would be mortified if another person knew about his personal stuff. “Anyway, it’s really a stretch. He thinks Charlie’s doing it to get back at him for something he did. And he also doesn’t think that I’d ever be interested in him because he knows that something happened between Charlie and me before. Like, if I was interested in Charlie I could never find him attractive. Which is so not true.” sydni lowered her voice like it was kind of a secret. “Do you know he’s actually kind of muscular?” Because she had definitely noticed. It was a little surprising. And more than a little pleasing. The lycan had a thing for strong arms.
***
“For fucking Ava. I already knew about that.” What? Guys talked. And when it came to Ava, Charlie had a lot to say in recent months. Actually, Starbuck had known about Ava for a long time. Longer than most people. But her whoring adventures at Sector 9 were now known to Starbuck too. “But Charlie isn’t upset about who she fucks. He really doesn’t care so long as she’s good to Maggie.”
Then Sydni went on to talk about her own relationship with Charlie, which was extremely complicated. But she diverged into a discussion of Graham’s body, and that made Starbuck a little uncomfortable. “I can’t say I’ve ever checked him out in the locker room. Sorry.”
---
sydni did look surprised that starbuck knew, but she also knew that Charlie wasn’t trying to trick Graham into anything. so she nodded when starbuck explained about Charlie’s opinion on the matter. Made sense.
It was very, very complicated, which was why trying to explain it to Graham would have been impossible. And involved way too much personal stuff for syd to feel comfortable sharing it all, anyway. starbuck’s reaction to her revelation made her blush, and she fussed with a shoelace again. “Oh, um, no. I just meant... He doesn’t believe that I find him attractive, but I do. Like, he’s comparing himself to Charlie and thinking there’s no way he can measure up, which is just not true. And I tried to tell him that I’m not even really Charlie’s type because he seems to think I’m so gorgeous or something that I wouldn’t give him the time of day. And I’m not. I mean, we spent the whole day out on the boat. I spent time with him. I made him dinner because he was sick. I did some energy healing for him because of his headache. Does that sound like I don’t care about him?” she asked.
***
“Alright. Few points here. First, guys do compare themselves a lot to other dudes. Especially where strength and shit like that is concerned. I know it’s a dumb macho thing, but you just gotta learn to deal with it. And there are some of us who really don’t think we stack up.” Starbuck could be that way. He was fairly humble in regards to his appearance. He didn’t think of himself as hot or ugly. Just a regular guy. But he’d had enough women disagree with him on that point that he figured he must be above average in their eyes.
“Second, you are gorgeous. I get that it’s hard to see yourself that way, but it’s true. And it’s not just about your looks. You have a good soul, Sydni, and people can see that. It shines through and makes the packaging even more appealing.” If he had to accept people’s assessment of him being attractive, then so did Sydni.
“Finally, guys are dumb. So you can’t complain about him misunderstanding shit. Well, you can, but it won’t serve a purpose. A lot of times we don’t realize women are into us. And sometimes we want a woman to be into us, so we find reasons to believe it’s true when it isn’t. It’s stupid, I know, but we’re stupid.”
---
“I mean, I get that. I don’t think it’s unreasonable. I can look at another woman and think she’s attractive or whatever.” Of course, sydni did actually like other woman, so maybe it was a little different. Well, not so much. she knew what it was like to see someone she was pining after with other women, and how she compared herself to them. “I just don’t see how it’s reasonable to think that it’s impossible for me to like him just because there was something between me and Charlie.”
sydni blushed and grew quiet when starbuck insisted on arguing about her beauty. It was hard for her to hear, or react to, but she knew starbuck was being sincere. she knew Charlie was sincere when he said it, too. But like starbuck, she just kind of thought of herself as a regular girl, not beautiful and not unattractive. “Well, everyone but Graham. He thinks I’m a scheming bitch,” she mumbled.
“But he’s convincing himself that I don’t like him when I do. And here’s the stupidest part - I wasn’t like, trying to go after him or whatever. I just want to be his freaking friend. But he asked me if I was coming on to him, so I tried to explain how I wasn’t, but I did think he was attractive and fun and so on. And he got really mad. That’s when he went off on how we were plotting to humiliate him. And now he won’t let that go.” The lycan had been pretty worked up until now. Now all of her anger and justification seemed to ebb and she looked defeated and just plain dejected.
***
“He’s probably comparing himself to Charlie and feels like he falls short. I’m not saying that’s a reasonable conclusion to make, but... yeah.” If Graham was super insecure, it would be easy to feel inferior to Charlie, who was very much a pretty boy jock type. There had been a time when Starbuck really couldn’t stand Charlie, so he kinda saw where Graham was coming from.
“I doubt he really thinks you’re a scheming bitch. It’s more likely he’s... fuck... what’s the psych term? I need Kim here. You know, where you attribute stuff... dammit, this is gonna drive me nuts. He’s turning you into an enemy by throwing all these negative things into his perception of you.” He paused. “Never mind. I’m not the shrink. But I remember there were times when I first started seeing Kim that I got all paranoid thinking she was gonna treat me the same way Kat treated me. It made me afraid to tell her I loved her. It made me afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend. I was just so damn afraid. You said shit has happened to Graham before. So he’s probably scared too.”
“Maybe you’re taking this too personally.” He held his hands up to stop her from interrupting. “Hear me out. He’s being selfish about all this. Focusing on all these fears and assumptions. So that’s what you need to focus on. Stop making this about you, because it’s clearly not about you. It’s about him and his past. You can’t let it offend you or upset you, because it’s not really you that has him all worked up. At least that’s my guess. You’re just taking the blame for it.” Starbuck wasn’t sure that made sense, or if it would help. He didn’t know the situation completely, but he could usually read people pretty well, and he felt like he had an idea of what was going on here.
---
It wasn’t that Graham’s finding himself a little inferior to Charlie was completely beyond sydni’s comprehension. she had felt herself inferior to Charlie before. she hadn’t been able to imagine why someone like him would like someone like her. But in the end, she had just gone with it. Maybe sydni was just a very trusting person, but she couldn’t understand why Graham felt so inferior that he couldn’t believe she genuinely found him attractive.
“Yeah, but you didn’t get mean with her. Or angry, did you? I get being afraid. I get afraid a lot, too. He doesn’t understand how much it took for me to even ask him to go out the first time. He thinks it’s easy for me.” sydni looked down at her hands. That might be what hurt the most. That she took the risk and it was thrown back in her face.
“Ok, but, how do I make it better. I can’t change his past. And I don’t think talking about it helps because he just got even more pissed when he told me what happened to him. Which I understand; what they did to him was really cruel. But how can I fix it?” That was the heart of all this. sydni wanted it to be better. she wanted to help him move past this so they could be friends.
***
Starbuck shrugged. “I know a lot of people look at Kim and I and think everything is perfect all the time. But it’s not. We fight like any normal couple. And there have been times when fighting involved yelling and hurtful words and threats to walk out.” He didn’t like admitting it, but it was true. “But we work through it. We’ve both had a lot of baggage to sort through over the years, and it’s not always easy.” They’d even argued over Kim going on the mission that saved Sydni. “Anyway, point is need to tell him how hard it was for you. Make him see your side of things. He’s not a mindreader. No man is. You gotta tell us when you’re upset and why.”
“I don’t know if you can fix it. You’re not a therapist, and you have personal stake in all this. He may never feel comfortable talking with you. Or it may take a really long time.” Starbuck couldn’t offer his own personal example, because that was Kim’s to share. But he had been exceptionally patient with her, and it paid off. “Be patient and understanding. Don’t force it. Give him time to deal with it as he sees fit.”
---
sydni sighed. “I tried. I showed him my yearbook. How it was almost all teachers. How I didn’t really have a lot of friends. And I tried to tell him how hard it still is for me. I don’t think he believed me. Or just didn’t think it was as painful as being bullied. Maybe it’s not.” Of course, sydni knew differently. she had been in a very dark place for a while because of the loneliness. It wasn’t more painful than being bullied, just painful in a different way.
Again, she had to sigh. starbuck was saying what everyone else had. Maybe she just needed to leave him alone. she didn’t think he’d come to her, but maybe that’s just what she had to do. “I don’t like it,” she finally said. Just for the record. “I don’t like just waiting around. I don’t think he’ll come to me. What if he thinks I just gave up on him?”
***
“I don’t know, Sydni,” Starbuck said with a shrug of finality. And he didn’t. He wasn’t an expert. Even if he was, each person was different. He couldn’t say what would work. There might be nothing in the world that would work. “Some relationships just aren’t salvageable. And it sucks. But that’s just the way it is. You may have to let him go from your life. Well, not completely, since you guys work together. But that might be it.” He paused before adding, “It’s his loss. Truly. He’s really missing out by not grabbing this opportunity. You’re amazing, and I feel sorry for him that he’s unable to enjoy your company.”
---
Another sigh. Mostly because starbuck was right too much. About things she didn’t want him to be right about. His compliment made her smile a little though and she reached out to pat his hand a little. “Thank you starbuck. I hope that’s not what happens, though. And thank you, too, for listening. Aaand... for healing my wrist. I guess I really owe you, huh?” she said.
***
Starbuck chuckled and shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything. All that stuff comes free in a friendship. It’s one of the many perks.” He put his arm around her and gave her shoulders a small squeeze. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. And.. try not to abuse the bag too much. Trust me, I know. I broke a few fingers once when I was pissed at Kat. It’s not worth it. The bag always wins.”
---
sydni smiled, and then laughed about the bag winning. “And you won’t always be around to make it better,” she added. “Alright. I’ll be careful. But I think I’m done for tonight anyway. I should go home and shower. And I’m sure Kim and the kids are waiting for you.”
***
Starbuck nodded and stood up, then offered his hand to her so she could do the same. “They probably are, but they’ll understand why I’m a few minutes late... unless I shouldn’t say anything. That’s up to you. I usually tell Kim stuff. But I won’t if you don’t want me to.”
---
sydni took the offered hand and stood as well. “No, it’s ok. I already talked to her about this. Well, not what happened today. But when everything went to hell on Tuesday. I’m ok with it. Tell everyone hello for me?” she asked.
***
“I will,” he assured her. Starbuck gave her arm a little squeeze, then he set off to grab the keys and bottle of water he’d dropped. He waved back at Sydni before walking out of the gym to head back home to his wife and kids.