"We have two shipping options, sir. Standard shipping is 3-5 business days, and expedited shipping, that's airmail, and that's overnight, but it does cost more. Now, I see you are not under warrantee, Mr. Rammerhead. Our AWM--that's Advanced Warrantee Membership, is our warrantee, it's $11.99 a month, and that's completely voluntary, if you don't want to continue the warrantee, you do not have to. But the AWM comes with a number of benefits. For instance, free standard shipping in the continental U.S.--"
"Wait, free standard shipping? How much would it be normally?"
"For your unit, the DPW219-1.X? That would be a medium shipping size, so that's gonna be $14.99--"
"$14.99? You want me to pay 15 bucks to get this fixed, and I don't get it for three to five days!??!"
"That's without the warrantee. With the AWM, it's free shipping, inside the continental U.S., and you get expedited shipping free once per year. You also--"
"But I still wouldn't get it until tomorrow! I gotta have it today!"
"I apologize sir, but if you've never used our product until the time you have to use it, then it's not our fault if it fails to operate as expected."
"'As expected'?! It didn't 'operate' at all!!!"
"Yes, sir. And we've gone through the troubleshooting and identified the problem, and come to a resolution for you--"
"Mail a replacement!"
"Ship a replacement, yes sir."
". . . . can I get a technician out here?"
"Ah, give me one moment . . . . please, sir, just one moment . . . . all right, based on the address listed on your account, Mr. Rammerhead, there are no AIM technicians available until the 9th, at the earliest. If that's unacceptable, you can either give me an updated address, or I can go ahead and start processing the order to ship you a replacement."
"The 9th! That's NEXT MONTH! That's like 2 weeks from now!"
"Yes, sir, so it would certainly be swifter to ship you the replacement."
"Fine, ship me the replacement."
"All right sir, and would that be with the warrantee?"
"Hell no! You're not getting any more money outta me!"
"Well, without the warrantee, it would be at least $14.99--"
"I ain't paying!"
"Sir, I'm sorry, but all of our fees are clearly outlined in our contract when you sign up for our service--"
"I wasn't told!"
"It's in the paperwork, sir."
"I'd remember $14.99!"
"Well, it's in plain language, sir. It details the shipping rates, for instance, by size of unit . . ."
"Damn it! All right, I'll pay. Gimme the warrantee."
"Excellent, sir. Congratulations, you are now a member of our AWM! Membership can be canceled at any time with no extra charge, but, since we bill a month in advance, from today 'til the end of the billing cycle plus the next month's charge will be on your next bill. You now have free access to standard shipping, reduced cost technician visits, and completely free replacement of all AIM products, regardless of size (jumbo and extreme size had an additional repair fee, but that doesn't matter in your case, sir). AIM retains the right to limit member benefits and/or increase the membership fee. Do you understand everything I've advised you of today, sir?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"All right, with free shipping, you'll receive your replacement in 3-5 business days. You'll need to return the original to us within 10 days of getting your replacement--it'll come with a prepaid shipping label, just slap that on the shipping box and swap your plasma emitters, you'll be all set! AIM reserves the right to charge repair fees on all jumbo and extreme sized products, except for members of our AWM, which you are, so you won't have to worry about that. AIM reserves the right to charge the customer in the case of failure to return equipment, customer damage, or unusual damage to the equipment. All that means is if you don't return it, you'll be charged, but that can be reversed if you've just been late, and if you broke the focusing lenses, you'd be charged for them, or if it's something outside of the normal range of use for the AIM equipment. This is all listed in your AIM User's Guide, which came with the original equipment. Do you understand everything I've disclaimed to you sir?"