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Letter to Ryan, unsent
15 September
Dear Ryan,
It's really hard to start this letter. Not because I don't want to speak to you but because I do, too much, I want to talk to you and not just write things down. But I know that when you read this you'll be next to me, or at least near me and that makes me smile, just the thought of you being close.
This might be extra helpful because my handwriting is awful and you might need me to read it to you.
London has started and while I love being home, it means it's further away from you and that sucks. My mother has decided that she absolutely must meet you, which means Christmas is a go - I really hope you can cope. It shouldn't be too impossible, you just might near ear plugs and a tactical retreat to have a bath to get away from my family. I think they will like you a little too much.
There's something I didn't tell you on the phone the other night - I wanted to, but it wasn't right, not over the phone. Jamie kissed me when I saw him - don't freak out, I didn't kiss him back and that's not what I want to tell you, so please stop looking like someone just hurt Kali, I know how you get. My point is: he kissed me, I pulled away and then he asked if there was someone else. And I told him about you, and the first thing he asked me was 'Do you love him?' And this is why I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, but I need to tell you somehow, and by the time you read this I'll have said it anyway because I do, very much, with my whole heart I love you. And I had to tell him that I did, even if it hurt him, because I had to be true to you.
And I'm so happy because I'll have said it to you, and I don't care if you haven't said it back, the point is that I feel it and it's right and it makes me feel happier and freer than I have in years and it's all you. You're wonderful, mo stor. And I love you. It's doubtful that I've stopped saying it long enough for you to read this, actually. You'll just have to put up with it, for hopefully a very long time.
Always yours,
Brae
Dear Ryan,
It's really hard to start this letter. Not because I don't want to speak to you but because I do, too much, I want to talk to you and not just write things down. But I know that when you read this you'll be next to me, or at least near me and that makes me smile, just the thought of you being close.
This might be extra helpful because my handwriting is awful and you might need me to read it to you.
London has started and while I love being home, it means it's further away from you and that sucks. My mother has decided that she absolutely must meet you, which means Christmas is a go - I really hope you can cope. It shouldn't be too impossible, you just might near ear plugs and a tactical retreat to have a bath to get away from my family. I think they will like you a little too much.
There's something I didn't tell you on the phone the other night - I wanted to, but it wasn't right, not over the phone. Jamie kissed me when I saw him - don't freak out, I didn't kiss him back and that's not what I want to tell you, so please stop looking like someone just hurt Kali, I know how you get. My point is: he kissed me, I pulled away and then he asked if there was someone else. And I told him about you, and the first thing he asked me was 'Do you love him?' And this is why I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, but I need to tell you somehow, and by the time you read this I'll have said it anyway because I do, very much, with my whole heart I love you. And I had to tell him that I did, even if it hurt him, because I had to be true to you.
And I'm so happy because I'll have said it to you, and I don't care if you haven't said it back, the point is that I feel it and it's right and it makes me feel happier and freer than I have in years and it's all you. You're wonderful, mo stor. And I love you. It's doubtful that I've stopped saying it long enough for you to read this, actually. You'll just have to put up with it, for hopefully a very long time.
Always yours,
Brae