November 8, 2009.
MomKatherine,
I know this is probably the last thing you expected to see when you opened your mail but I hope it’s a nice surprise, a welcome one. We haven’t spoken since… well it doesn’t matter now because it’s been a really long time since then, and I hope you have since forgiven me. I also hope this letter finds you in good health, cause it would suck if you were sick when I was finally ready to reach out to you.
How have you been? How’s daddy?William? I’d ask how Keith is but I know how to reach him, he’s still a huge douche and I don’t really care how he’s doing. If there really is a god he’d have suffocated on his own vomit but I also have good reason to believe that God is a bit of a sadist who enjoys playing cruel tricks on the inhabitants of this planet he supposedly loves so much. I guess that means Keith is alive and well, off playing grown up but I guess we’re all doing that. Even me.
I’ve been doing really well. I’ve been clean for 3 years, 1 month and 18 days today, are you proud of me? I’m proud of myself, that should count for something and sometimes it does, other times not so much. I have a job, doesn’t pay much but I eat and pay my phone bill with it, school’s paying for my new apartment, I’m not doing too bad in school. It’s all good.
We had a competition today, the first part at least… I didn’t do very well but I couldn’t sleep last night and I was far too tired to concentrate on anything so its needless to say I didn’t really advance to tomorrow’s heats. You probably don’t know what I’m talking about, you never came to my meets in high school… before I left, but that’s okay, you probably had much more important things to worry about. Last week we were in New York, the swim team that is, I placed fourth overall. That was cool, I guess. Bittersweet, actually and it made me think of you. I guess this is where I explain why I’m writing to you, and if this in any way complicates your life I apologize, I mean that… and I don’t apologize often so I guess it means I’m being sincere.
This might be really selfish, but at this moment in time I’m going to allow myself to be just that. At last week’s competition we beat not one, but two schools. We were awesome, and every time I finished a race I’d get out of the pool and look over to see people there rooting them on, hugging them when they had a good race and even more so when they had a bad one. It was… I don’t know. I guess it was the first time I actually wanted people around me, wanted a bit of affection and since then I’ve just… I don’t think I’ve stopped wanting that. A family or just friends, though that last part is my own fault for being a wretched bitch more times than not, I’m working on it. I reconnected with Frank before he went back to Iraq, I missed him a lot. But he has Ingrid now, and Bridget. Mom, she’s beautiful and he‘s so good with her. It kind of makes me happy to see that despite everything, he’s actually doing really well. He has his career, he has his friends and he has his family.
I’m kind of jealous of him, and everyone else who has it all together. I hoped that I would be able to have something resembling that, I know that Frank said he’s here for me and while he’s in the desert Nate and Jay can beat boys up for me if need be… but I wouldn’t want to take away from Ingrid and Bridget. I’m sorry if the whole emancipation ordeal hurt your feelings, it was something I needed to do for myself. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t healthy and I wouldn’t have been able to sort myself out if I had stayed. I’m sorry it’s taken 3 years for me to reach out to you, I’m sorry that I’m only doing so because I’m selfish and lonely. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best daughter I could be. I’d like to change that if you let me. I hope you do.
Love,
Bailey-Rae.
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