Re: Sam A/Penny R
I wasn't talking about that in particular, I was talking about the whole host of things I finally got him to talk to me about. This was even before Meredith problems.
I don't think he'd hurt me. He's got a temper, a bad one, but he wouldn't hurt me. But sometimes I just want him to scream at me, you know? It would be real at least.
Olivia liked him a lot. She wasn't jealous of him, she was worried that I trusted him so much. I'd go into the jaws of death with him. And our job though, you had to trust your partner like that. But a lot of times I didn't want to talk to her about what we did, what we saw. And I didn't want to talk to her about my army days, my war days, or my marriage. But when she asked if Cris knew, I didn't lie to her. Because sometimes there were things he did know. But he had to, because he had to know where my head was, every time he didn't, or I didn't, the chances were real that someone could get hurt. Or worse. She wasn't jealous, she was hurt, with good reason. I understood it, and I tried, I was trying to do better, it didn't mean I didn't love the hell out of her. I loved her like I was on fire. I didn't want any of my ugly rubbing off on her. Which I know, ain't right, but it was what it was. She deserved better than what I gave her and I know that, but being away from her? It's been hell. Because now that she ain't here, I feel like I could tell her everything if she would just step on whatever magic step gets her here. But that ain't happening. And she wouldn't have me if she did.
My family is gone you know, and I messed up there. Last thing my nephew said to me was he hated me. My cousin thinks all I worried about was him taking me for granted. Which was so small it didn't even matter.
My friend that's still here, she's about done with me I think. Frustrated to no end, pushing and I'm pushing. And I don't think she has the patience. And I think I hurt her without knowing it.
Like I said, it ain't martyrdom. It's just stumbling. And fumbling. And when you keep doing it over and over, its hard not to think it's endemic.