November 4th, 2000 - afternoon - Thoughts shared with a dog
Adrian stroked the big black head resting on his thigh while watching Roger sleep. Cliodhna was curled up against Roger's back and snoring just as softly as his husband. He looked down at Cormac again. It had been a long week with hard work on top of his birthday. He was tired, but not sleepy. And as he looked into Cormac's brown eyes, he just felt like... sharing.
"You know," he said in a near whisper "I once had to other dogs. Dobermans. Yeah, I know you don't like them, they're too fast for you. But they were very good dogs. So much fun and energy and also so serious about their 'pack', about me. Bia and Zelus." He gently rolled Cormac's ear between his fingers.
"Bia was so sweet, such a wonderfully kind dog… she was a bedhog almost as much as your sister is. Only, she couldn't quite push me out of bed, even if she tried. She sometimes sat up and just looked at me, as if she'd never seen me before. You know? Like she suddenly realised I was there. Or perhaps she just sometimes realised I wasn't her puppy. And then she'd realise it didn't matter and get so happy, almost tying a knot on herself, wagging her little stubby tail." Adrian looked down at Roger and smiled sadly, remembering the way he'd teasingly called Roger Bia's puppy.
"Roger was her puppy though. I don't think I've seen them like any other human as much as they liked Roger. Bia adopted him within a few seconds, I think. Love at first sight, just like me." He looked down at Cormac's brown eyes again, the dog's face amusingly enough almost expressing a hint of disbelief. "Oh shush, it does exist. I fell in love with Roger the first time I really saw him. But I wasn't talking about us foolish humans." Although, that was infinitely more easy, than this.
"Zelus didn't fall in love with Roger. But I think he realised how I felt long before I knew what I felt. He always tried to herd Roger, keep him in our pack. He was more wellbehaved than you, I have to add." Adrian tugged on the floppy ear and smiled at the lick he got to his wrist for his effort.
"He never slept in the bed. I don't think he wanted to. He knew I was the top dog and didn't want to challenge me. He did though, with Roger. Challenged me by taking possession of Roger's territory. You know, like you won't let anybody into the garden. But no matter how much Zelus tried to pretend he was above it all, I know he loved me. Of course, they knew I loved them. So fucking much…" Pain stabbed through him and he closed his eyes for a moment, leaning back against the headboard.
"They were killed… so meaningless, so stupid. I was stupid. I should've known he would do something like that. But you don't want to believe things like that about your father. You don't want to believe he's capable of taking away those you love the most. I thought it was over with him kicking me out and treat me like I'd never been his son." Bitterness entered his low voice and for long silent moments he simply stroked streadily over Cormac's head, the dog looking calmly, almost seriously at his owner. As if he knew this was important.
"He's sick… he can't be normal. He's like Hadrian, only worse, because you can't see he's sick. That he's a psychopath. He can't be normal. Normal people don't kill loving trusting pets. Normal people don't threaten to take away everything you've ever loved…" Adrian's voice cracked with the last word and he kept staring at Cormac's head, hoping the pain would subside. It didn't though. It was as clear and sharp as that day he'd realised they were dead.
"He almost did take it all away, because I was a coward and I was stupid. I didn't believe I could protect Roger from him either. Or that Roger could protect himself. And on top of it all, I didn't believe that Roger could truly love me. Because … why would he? And I couldn't tell anybody what it was. Couldn't tell Roger that I was so fucking afraid of losing him, I had to push him away. To keep him safe. Both from me and from father. For six months he succeeded. Six months … where I was dead as well." Even now he remembered so very clearly how empty he'd been, how cold. A stubborn tear trickled down his cheek. Adrian pretended it wasn't there.
"I'm glad I got you two though. I'm still afraid… and I can't say there's no danger. But if I let him control me again like that, I might as well be dead. And if he ever dares to touch any of you, and Roger, he will be dead." He meant it and it chilled him to the core to hear it in his own voice. He would hunt Father down and kill him, like the monster he was. It would also turn Adrian into a monster… but he wasn't sure if it wouldn't be worth it.
Cormac snorted softly, ears pricked a little at the sharp tone in his master's voice, and shifted his heavy body to lean more up against Adrian. He sniffed delicately at Adrian's cheek and licked at the tiny salty trail. Then he moved his nose a little and snuffled Adrian's ear.
Adrian chuckled softly and gave Cormac's side a couple of solid pats, amused and endeared by the already big dog's tenderness.
"You're a silly one. You both are... no, all three of you. Silly sods. I surround myself with sillyness." Adrian smiled, feeling the happyness that was always present inside him - even if slightly buried at times - melt away the sadness. Then he ruffled the sides Cormac's head and ears with both hands "And I love it."