InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "She gave me a pen."

Castiel (strappedonwings) wrote in ridgewayresort,
@ 2011-10-27 16:37:00

Entry tags:

castiel harvelle-winchester, dean winchester

Who: Cas and Dean
What: Laying down the line
Where: By the lake
When: Thursday night
Warnings: TBD

Cas wasn't happy with Dean. He wasn't happy with how things were. It was why he's avoided his husband for the last few days, slept anywhere but in their bed. It felt wrong. Dean should never have been someone to avoid and he was eager to set things right but he couldn't do it alone.

The fact Dean wanted to see him in person was a good sign. Cas took it to mean he was serious about setting it right. He trusted Dean was sincere in his desire. As he walked along the lake he was sure to take deep breaths to steady himself. Dean knew what he'd done wrong. It was all going to be okay. All they had to do was talk.

Cas hadn't been avoiding Dean to punish him. He's simply found the other man's presence overwhelming, the ache in him from being at odds with Dean had left him distraught. Tony had helped calm him and he owed a great debt to his friend. As he walked he hoped he never needed to return the favour in quite that way. He checked his phone a few times but there was nothing he wanted to respond to, no one he wished to speak with but Dean.

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butiwaswrong
2011-10-27 11:08 am UTC (link)

Dean knew exactly what he'd done to alienate Cas. That hadn't been his intent, but it hardly mattered. He hadn't posted an apology on the message boards, he hadn't said a word until Cas reached out to him. Cas needed time, Dean knew that. They'd been through this song and dance before. He fucked up, he stepped back and waited for Cas to come back to him. It gave them both time to stew it over and come to terms with it in their own way, which was necessary before Dean could confront it all over again with Cas.

He agreed to meet in person because the message board was too informal. It was a cop out. Dean hated confrontations that didn't involved his gun or some other weapon, because he felt vulnerable and exposed. No one made him feel more vulnerable than Cas. No one made him feel more whole than Cas, so it made sense no one made him more broken, in a way.

He hunched his shoulders as he approached his husband. They needed to talk, and Dean had to be the one to start it. He hated that too, especially when a simple 'I'm sorry' wasn't going to cut it. He took a breath and moved in closer, he wasn't going to shout, not even a greeting.

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strappedonwings
2011-10-27 01:26 pm UTC (link)

Castiel tensed when he saw Dean. That was wrong. That shouldn't happen any more. No one should feel dread when they see their spouse, the one they love more than anything.

He held his ground, waited for Dean to come to him. His hands were in his pocket, head bowed a little. He, too, knew it was Dean's move. "Hey," he said non-committally, his eyes around the level of Dean's chest.

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butiwaswrong
2011-10-27 08:00 pm UTC (link)

"Hey," Dean replied. His tone was flat. He had screwed up. he'd done the one thing he swore he'd never do. He'd hurt Cas, and it wasn't the physical pain that mattered. The bruise would heal, was healing. Dean had hit a lot more, a lot deeper, than the jaw.

He was sorry, profoundly sorry. The words were hard to find, to express just how sorry he was. He wasn't sure he could find them at all, but he knew he had to try, or risk stressing his relationship with Cas to a breaking point, and wasn't losing Cas what this was all about anyway? The fear of losing him, the very real possibility that he could have been lost on that damned ship...

But Dean couldn't blame it all on that. It wasn't only fear that drove him to his own breaking point. It was anger, rage. He'd asked Cas not to go, and Cas had made the choice to go anyway. His reasons didn't matter, he'd done against what Dean had wanted, and Dean had been blinded by the lethal combination of fear and rage.

"You scared me, Cas. I was fucking scared I was going to lose you."

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strappedonwings
2011-10-28 11:38 am UTC (link)

Castiel sighed softly. He knew Dean's justification but he had to, this once, stick to his guns. "That doesn't give you an excuse to break out vows, Dean. You... you have my trust, above all others. When we take things out on each other, no one else in creation is allowed to do that to me. I need to not be scared you're gonna go to far. I need... space to do what I gotta do or it stops being a marriage." He shallowed. It was far from natural for him to make demands of Dean and it hadn't been for a long time. Still, his hand had been forced. He had to.

"I get you're scared. I know, but I can't be dictated by it. I can't be smothered and shoved in a cupboard in case something happens to me. I'm not an infant, Dean. I've been a soldier since before your species was born. I can choose my own risk."

He took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. "But. You're my husband and if you're scared then it's my job to deal with that. I love Heather, she's my closest friend, but you and Jo and Anna have to come first. I promise, if you're scared, and I have a choice like this time, I I'll help you with that fear, even if it means saying no more. But if I can help, if it's something I know I can deal with, you gotta let me do my thing. You gotta respect what I can do." He stopped. It was enough to go on with. "Yeah?"

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butiwaswrong
2011-10-29 05:34 pm UTC (link)

Dean nodded as he listened to Cas. What Cas said was true, but it did little to settle the fears Dean felt. The danger was past, Cas was home and he was safe, but the fear Dean had felt while he was gone lingered still. He had known nothing good could possibly come from the sudden appearance of a ship in the lake, especially when that ship was the infamous Titanic. He hadn't been wrong, but thankfully Cas was returned home safe and sound. Dean knew all too well how badly things could have turned out.

"It's not that easy, Cas." Dean met his husband's gaze. "I respect you, you know that. And I know what you can do." Cas had pulled him out of hell, after all, and that was no easy feat. But Cas wasn't an angel any longer, he lacked the Grace and without his Grace he was on the same playing field as mortal men, like Dean himself. "I'm sorry for how I handled it, I know it was wrong." But he hadn't known any other way to channel the fear he felt. He'd needed to punch something, and Cas was that something. Just as he knew the ship wasn't safe, he'd known he shouldn't punch his husband, and just as Cas had gone out to the ship anyway, Dean had punched him.

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	strappedonwings 2011-10-29 09:00 pm UTC (link)
	"But. There's a but in there. You respect what I can do but- You know you shouldn't have hit me but. So long as you can justify if it's never gonna stop. You get that right?". He frowned. He didnt like how it was going. "Is that what you're doing, Dean? Trying to convince me that it was wrong but okay?". His tone was laced with barely contained irritation. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	butiwaswrong 2011-10-29 10:26 pm UTC (link)
	"No." Dean shook his head. "I know it's not okay, not even a little bit. But it is done. I can't take it back. All I can do, Cas, is try to not do anything like that again." And he wasn't sure he could make that promise. He didn't consider himself a violent man, but he was prone to violent outbursts, he always had been. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

strappedonwings
2011-10-29 10:58 pm UTC (link)

"Try. That is all the assurance you can offer? You know that's because you still think there's a circumstance where that's kinda ok, right? That there's stuff I can do to deserve it and that it's your place to take it out on me, maybe to teach me, maybe to keep me safe."

Cas looked worried. Sad. His eyed had a grim set to them. " So tell me, Dean. Do you want anyone hitting your husband? Without his consent?"

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butiwaswrong
2011-10-30 12:26 am UTC (link)

"No, Cas. Not even me. Do you think I'm okay with what I did? Or even why I did it?" Dean shook his head. Emotion made his words thick. "I'm not. I said I was sorry, and I am, Cas. I reacted badly, but nothing like I've done in the past. I've come a long way, Cas. I've still got a ways to go, but I'm working on it. I'm still moving forward."

Dean paused to take a breath. His hands were shaking. "I know I hurt you, I know you see it as a betrayal. I just, I reached my breaking point. I snapped. I'm okay now. I'm working toward okay. Don't take that away from me, Cas. Work with me. Help me get where I need to be so I don't hit you again, or Jo, or Anna."

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strappedonwings
2011-10-30 01:43 am UTC (link)

He couldn't. As he saw Dean standing there shaking, he couldn't keep his distance any more. He stepped in close, his stone softening. He knew Dean meant every word. "I'm not going anywhere Dean," he said, closing his arms around his husband. "I'll help you. We'll help you get past this point. You're right. It was less that- yeah, you're getting better."

He couldn't stand to see Dean shaking, couldn't bear to feel it. "S'alight Dean." He held him close, tried to hold him still. "I'm not leaving you. Not leaving." His hands stroked over Dean's back as he worked to soothe this lover. "Not leaving."

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	butiwaswrong 2011-10-30 02:03 am UTC (link)
	"I know I'm not perfect. I'm not easy to live with." Dean didn't want to be coddled, but Cas was there and he wasn't going to push him away. He leaned in to the hold, let his cheek rest against his husband's shoulder. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	strappedonwings 2011-10-30 02:09 am UTC (link)
	"Damn right you're not," Cas muttered. His breathing settled, slowed. His heart, the same. "I must have really low standards." He rested his head against Dean's and just stood in silence for a minute, taking strength, finally, from the closeness. "Still, there must be something about you Winchester." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	butiwaswrong 2011-10-30 02:25 am UTC (link)
	"I'd say you should work on that low standards thing," Dean said with a shake of his head, "but it's really to my benefit that you don't." He sighed softly. "I am sorry, Cas." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	strappedonwings 2011-10-30 02:28 am UTC (link)
	"I know Dean. And we'll work on this. It'll be okay." It was worth it to try. Cas knew that without a doubt. "Now lay on the ground." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	butiwaswrong 2011-10-30 02:33 am UTC (link)
	"Why?" Dean pulled back to look at Cas. Laying down on the ground seemed like an odd request. He wasn't refusing, but he did want to know why, before he moved to comply. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	strappedonwings 2011-10-30 02:39 am UTC (link)
	"Cause I wanna hold you and I'm tired of standing around. So... lay on the ground. With me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	butiwaswrong 2011-10-30 02:51 am UTC (link)
	"Okay." Dean knelt down and reached up to help Cas down next to him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	strappedonwings 2011-10-30 02:57 am UTC (link)
	Cas settled beside Dean, against him. His breathing calm, his body relaxing under the sun. "I'd like to stay here a while, if that's okay." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	butiwaswrong 2011-10-30 02:07 pm UTC (link)
	"I don't mind being here with you." Dean knew he was going to have to be careful and not backslide. he was going to have to prove to Cas, and himself, that he really was trying to get past his anger and his snapping phase. He needed to not hit Cas again, without his consent, and he didn'tt hink that was going to happen again any time soon. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

strappedonwings
2011-10-31 11:34 am UTC (link)

"Hmm, don't mind. Don't get soppy on me." Castiel's tone was light but had an edge to it too. It was too raw to joke too lightly.

He rested his head on Dean's chest, settled close, his arms around his husband's body.

"Why don't we cook for the girls tonight," he said softly. He wanted to reconnect with all his family, not just Dean. Avoiding him had meant avoiding the girls too.

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	butiwaswrong 2011-10-31 11:54 pm UTC (link)
	"I bet they'd like that," Dean nodded. he sighed and pressed himself against Cas. he wasn't foolish enough to think everything was fine, but they were taking steps in the right direction, and that was something. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

strappedonwings
2011-11-01 12:41 pm UTC (link)

Dean was right. It wasn't fine. The wall between them had been dented, a window had been formed, but it was still a wall. Tangible and heavy.

Cas was trying to chip at it but, even then, with caution.

He held onto Dean because he had to. He had to stop his world slipping away.

He had no idea how to break down the wall. He hoped it would just... go away. He closed his eyes. "Gonna snooze for a bit. You can stay, if you want."

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	butiwaswrong 2011-11-01 10:40 pm UTC (link)
	"I'm not going anywhere, Cas," Dean murmured. He settled there in the grass, with his arms around Cas. He didn't ever want to let go. (Reply to this) (Parent)