Ridgeway Resort - Network Comm

My show starts back up tonight. I ain't looking forward to it, but I know I'll watch it anyway. I can't help it. I wanna know.

Please, HBO, can I at least keep my clothes on this time?

That Harris lady is still writing books about me! A new one just came out! And what's worse, even though that's not really my life, all I want to do is read the stupid thing.

This sucks.

Everybody just shut up! You're all thinking too loud!

Okay, Jambi; I get it now! I shouldn't complain, and should always do my chores; I know. Now I just wish you'd get me out of here. There are lots of other kids running around and they won't let me play. It's not funny anymore.

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Uh, hello? Jambi?! I said I wish you would get me out of here!!

( Petersen )

You know, it's awful hard to do your job when the glasses and bottles try to attack you. We'd better not get ripped off on our paychecks just because Petersen thought it would be funny to bring all the stuff to life. Especially since tips kinda suck when drinks spill themselves on people.

And someone needs to tell the guests to quit darin' me to read their minds. They think some gross stuff.

I knew a Petersen once. Of the East India Trading Company. Eunuch. Lovely singing voice.

First things first. Where's the rum?

I just googled myself. I am so not fictional. That's bullshit. I'm not livin and breathin anymore, but, hello, I'm alive, or not-alive. But you know, whatever. I'm not dead, I'm undead and that totally means I'm real.

Also, I'm not in the books. That is so not cool.

Oh! And hi Sookie! I don't know you yet but I guess I was gonna sooner or later.

This again? Really? I thought I'd gotten to go home. This just sucks.

I ain't never been much of a drinking person, but I think I could make an exception right about now. I think I just did one of the dumber things I've ever done in my life, and that's saying a lot.

[Filtered to Eric Northman]

So... I kinda read those books about me after all. I think you and I need to have us a sitdown sometime soon. If you want to, that is.

So... are we home and here at the same time or something? Like alternate universes or clones? Because there's a new episode of that damn TV show, and I'm not there for those things to happen, but I can still watch it.

I don't like this one bit.

This is an experience. I can't say I have ever been kidnapped, brought to some resort during broad daylight, all without a single scorch mark and without being woken up. If that doesn't beat all, when I do awake I have a name tag pinned onto my shirt stating that I am the manager at some Ice Room. This handy little cellphone in my hand, and an envelope with keys and instructions.

Now that isn't all, I walk out and all the humans are fucking like animals. Would there be a Maenad in those woods? Would be my first question, except... I'm starting to feel those stirrings.

The best part is I know your out there somewhere Sookie. And you're feeling the same itch as all these other humans.

Any explanations would be good.

Has anybody watched the movies they supposedly come from? From the DVD collections we all have.

So I'm curious. How many of you guys actually have a real Dracula where you come from? I mean an actual vampire Dracula, the warlord with the disturbing impaling fetish doesn't count. And no, Nosferatu doesn't count either. That was a blatant ripoff.

Also, if you do have a real Dracula, what's he like? Is he kind of a dope, like some of the movies make him out, or is he just as scary as his rep makes him out?

I can't say that I'm entirely pleased with this situation. Typically it's I'm the guest at a resort. Of course, I have attended my fair share of fetish retreats, but nothing this.... bizarre and disturbing. Housing is quaint, and the buildings are a bit pathetic in their architecture, nothing in comparison to what I am used to. Then again, most don't have the option for luxury like I do. We can't all vacation in Aspen, and Nepal. Spend our days on the white sand beaches of Fiji and go to sleep in the hotels of Dubai.

I also refuse to slave over sweaty, ungrateful guests who believe that I am some sort sideshow attraction.

Regardless, I suppose an introduction is necessary. My name is Emma. Emma Grace Frost, Chairperson of the Board and Chief Executive of Frost International, Chairman of the Board of Trustees & headmistress of The Massachusetts Academy. As you can tell just by my title, I am very busy woman and thus, don't have time for this.

I was looking out the window and saw one of those... things that looked an awful lot like my grandmother. I'm not even trying to leave. People can get their own damn food and drinks at the Ice Room for all I care.

Okay, the last thing I remember is, I was in the middle of fighting my dreaded my cousin in a duel.. Now I'm at this fancy resort?

I must say, my haggard looks is of a hermit in comparison to these surroundings. I think I need to get a hair-cut... This is quite awkward. So, for anyone I might come across, I apologize for any offense my looks give off to you.

Oh, by the way, My name is Sirius Black for any of you who might be reading this message. I hope to become quite acquainted with you all in response to this circumstance I've found myself in, it's a good a time as any to show friendliness.

Downside of having a 'current' television show, you have to watch your life unfold before you without actually getting the chance to live it, and the mistakes you have to watch yourself make.

I feel sick.

I've noticed you all have a lot of issues and frustrations, and well, just seem to be having a lot of complaints on this situation we're all stuck in. I was wondering, any of you willing to go on some walk-a-bouts in the woods? Whenever you're not on the clock come contact me, my ears are open to your problems you might like to share. It might be nice to get some fresh air and clear your mind.

P.S. I am in Cabin #5 or just contact me on the network if you're interested.

- Locke

Dear Annoying Guests Who Seem To Have Even Less Tact Than I Do,

The next one of you that brings up any of the following is going to get used as a live target in my next archery lesson.

• Doyle. Don't talk about him, don't ask about him, don't discuss my kiss with him, don't even think about considering doing any of those things. In fact, don't even think about him at all when you're around me.

• Groo. It's over. He moved on. So did I. Granted my moving on was more in a 'realized I was in love with someone else then had my body stolen by a higher power' sort of way, but still. He's out of my life and he's not coming back.

• Connor. Do not, and I mean do not, go there. Period. At all. Whatsoever.

• Jasmine. See: Connor.

Also, there is this thing called a personal bubble. If Angel can figure it out and he's a complete and utter spaz in most social settings, I'm sure you all can manage it too. If you're close enough that I can smell what you had for breakfast, that is too close. Why some of you can't figure this out on your own I don't know, but I suggest you meet it, know it, love it, marry it, whatever. Just figure it out before I drop one of you like a sack of potatoes.

Now. As I said in my last post, I am willing to answer questions about other things and there are some things I'm not. I'm also willing to do my job like a good little kidnap victim and teach you how to handle a bow and arrow without killing yourself or someone around you. But, like I said. Bring up any of those topics one more time, and I'm going to string you up and put a big target on your forehead for my next lesson. And if any of you know enough about my life to know about any of those topics, you'll also know that I don't lie. So don't test me on this.

Mind your manners and I won't verbally eviscerate you. Unless that's what you want. Then you're just a freak and need to get serious mental help.

Thank you,
Cordelia Chase

P.S. And for the last time, no. I cannot make my 'cool new powers' work at will. Or my visions. Threatening to hit me with something isn't going to change that. It's just going to piss me off. So stop acting like a bunch of retarded monkeys and just be grateful that you even get to meet me.