[Private to the Management]
To whom it may concern,
The precedents set before me suggest it would be a pointless exercise to express any malcontent with respect to your unorthodox recruitment procedure. Thus, I shall dispense with the routine unpleasantries. I confess, I find myself inexplicably drawn to this place and for that reason, I am willing to place myself in your employ without contention—under certain conditions. My wants are few and my needs are more than satisfied by your generous accommodation. I have no use for currency here. Accordingly, I ask only that my work be compensated in the form of information, when and if I require it.
I trust that the terms set forth herein are not outrageous. Should you find them acceptable, you will have yourself a pianist as soon as you require one.