Who: Nilus and James What: Death was only the beginning When: February 15 - backdated Where: The woods Rating: None Status: Complete
Nilus was homesick.
He’d heard somewhere that home was where the heart was. His heart had died some seventy years ago on a winter day amidst chaos. He couldn’t love, he could feel the way anyone wanted him to. He thought for a moment that had gotten over it, but his past had a way of sneaking up on him like a ghost. The more he sat there in that small house, the more time he had to think.
He caught glimpses of him out of the corner of his eye, those hauntingly beautiful eyes. That pretty face. He longed for that smile again. He ached all over now that he could remember those times. Dietre had captured his attention, but he couldn’t give him what he wanted.
He gave him a call. Nilus had made up his mind, he had to get out of there and find that small piece of heaven. Misha had once asked why he couldn’t bring him back, it was not a good thing. It was a selfish act, but he could no longer go on the way he was.
Nilus was a cheerful seraph and this was nothing like his former self. He found himself in a clearing, looking up at nondescript sky. He held a pin out in front of him, kept in mint condition. A pair of jump wings from the airborne. They were not his own. He’d managed to find it in what was left of James.
He took a deep breath, staring out into the woods. It was much like where they’d both met an end. Less snow.
“James,” the name rolled off his tongue, clinging to his lips so sweetly. A desperate noise. “I'm here now. Tell me what you need.” The angel would reach into the void and pull him from his prison if he asked. He’d give a part of himself to make him whole again.
He just wanted something tangible. He wanted his best friend back, the laughter, his teacher. The unconditional love they were denied.
Had he the ability to express human emotion James would’ve. It’d been a lonely seventy three years, being a ghost was for the birds in his opinion. He’d gone through the motions of watching his beloved try to love another and it’s only broken what was left of his heart.
He wasn’t jealous, Nilus had a right to move onward with his life and James couldn’t fault him for that but oh the agony of watching the struggle. He wanted nothing more than to hold the angel, to take that man into his arms and never let go.
“You,” came the answer.
Those blue eyes watched in desperation.
The way that pin gleamed was familiar. James moved forward, not disturbing a single blade of grass as he knelt and reached out for that pin. It’d dotted his lapel when he’d rushed into battle and now here it was, some seventy odd years later in he same shape he’d left it.
Nilus hadn’t forgotten him.
They’d done this before, tried to talk to each other. It had never amounted to anything.
James sat down in the grass, shoulders slumped and he turned his eyes to the earth in defeat.
Nilus had acknowledged him once in a while, he’d thought him a figment of his imagination. The angel settled into the grass in front of that figure, his hand reaching out. He’d never tried to touch him, but he could. The living and the dead made no difference. He brushed his fingers over his hand, lifting his gaze to meet the spirit’s.
“You have me,” he promised, his palm outstretched. He would give up some of his grace, maybe upset the host, but if James wanted to come back- he’d gladly take the chance. “You always have. You took my heart with you.”
“It won’t be easy. You will remember. Your body will remember,” he warned. The suffering. Nilus had suffered in silence for years. He hoped he wouldn’t suffer very long. He’d take that pain from him too, “but I will take care of you.”
James lifted his head.
Those watery blues stared deep into the angel’s gaze, desperate and lonely. He wanted nothing but to wrap Nilus in his arms and hold him, to feel him.
At this words James managed a smile. It was a touch forced, the human part of him was jealous but he’d never openly admit that. Nilus had every right to venture down other paths. He would’ve married the angel had the times been right, had fate been on their sides.
“Anything,” he almost begged. Pleaded. “Anything, I’d give anything, feel anything to be with you again.” He meant it. He would endure every sharp pain, the sounds, the memories and the agony.
“Please..” Robust, wet tears slid down his cheeks.
That was all he needed to hear. Nilus clasped his fingers around James’ wrist and he gave a firm tug, fighting against that other plane of existence. That void that swallowed him. He used what grace he had to lift him from that nightmare. Those tears broke his heart and his own painted a depressing picture.
He loved this man and he fought for him.
He should’ve done it so long ago, but he was afraid of what he’d bring back. That James would resent him for it. It was so selfish and he wanted this more than anything. Thunder rumbled overhead and he knew he was in trouble with some higher ups.
He was breaking a lot of rules.
In the end, he’d managed what he thought was impossible. What he’d told Misha was impossible. He’d brought him back. Nilus was a shell of his former self, pale, that vibrance was gone, but the moment he stood in front of James, that solid form. His grace running through him like a light. He broke down, he wept and for the first time- he could feel.
He’d left a piece of himself in James and in return, he had that capacity to take on the weight of those emotions he sought.
Those fingers around his wrist felt like an anchor, a rope pulling him out of the depths of despair and darkness, towards the light he’d sought for years. He stood, leaned forward and fought against the resistance desperate to hold him back.
Finally he could touch, he could smell…
His arms wound around Nilus and James sobbed. He held onto the other man as tightly as he could lest this turn out to be a cruel dream. Whatever was coursing its way through him could wait.
How had that song gone? ...reunited and it felt so gooood …
A sobbing mess he finally managed to regain some of himself. Lifting his head slowly he turned those blues up to peer at his angel. “Thank you.”
How many times had he thought of this. He had no words. He held fast to him, not wanting to let go. He feared the worst. Seventy-three years was a blink of an eye for his kind, but Nilus had lived every moment of it like a ghost. He wandered without meaning, he resigned himself to an existence that would make a sane person go mad.
He clutched at that uniform, relishing in that warmth and the heartbeat under that material. Even as James pulled back to look at him, Nilus gathered him back into that embrace. This was him saying ‘you're welcome’, though the other man had no reason to thank him.
He waited too long. Nilus had waited too long. His wings wrapped around them, shielding James from the cold. That uniform was no match for the weather. They were ill-fitted for winter- they’d been forgotten. Even doubling up on socks did nothing to stave off the cold.
He touched him, inhaled deeply. That scent of gunpowder, winter, pine trees. Something entirely James. He didn’t want to let go of him just yet.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Nilus didn’t need to apologize, James wouldn’t have it. The angel had done nothing wrong to warrant an apology and as if it state the point James leaned upward and pressed their mouths together. The kiss began sweet but it grew hungry, James devoured Nilus’ mouth. He’d longed to taste this man again and now here they were together.
The ringing in his ears was overshadowed by the moment, for once. He could smell the gunpowder, the blood, taste the acidity in the air. James shuddered in fear but he knew Nilus would protect him.
Pulling back slowly from that kiss James took a deep breath. His lungs had begun to burn and ache for air. He shivered, its was so cold. Those wings staved off the chill but he would need to be inside soon. Humans were fragile things.
James brought back all those memories, far off gunshots, that distinct pine smell from the trees that shattered around them. They were back in Bastogne for a moment, and no one bothered them. He gripped the lapels of that heavy wool coat his friend was supposed to be wearing, but he’d given it to Nilus to wear for a time. He put things right in this reality, removing his shrapnel peppered helmet to kiss him properly in the middle of a war going on around them.
Men that were long since dead had cheered them on from their foxholes and their commanding officer was shouting for them to find cover as artillery whistled overhead. The forest could come down around them and he wouldn’t have cared.
They weren’t really there. The biting cold was all their new reality, the eerie silence of the woods around them. He shivered along with him, touched by that cold like he hadn’t before. Like a part of him was human. He wasted no time, taking James by the hand. He would walk with him back to his home, make him a meal and get him wrapped up in as many blankets as he could find.
His home was small, and his wings brushed the walls when they weren’t folded in. He motioned for James to make himself comfortable on the couch, fixing him a cup of coffee from the keurig he’d been given. He hadn’t used it before so it was trial and error.
Cream and sugar were a luxury in their time, or rather, James’ time. He added both to the steaming cup and brought it straight to him. He kissed his temple, savoring that sweetness. Cat and the pup he was taking care of for his friend were curious, but Cat was inclined to escape the house via the open window when the puppy barked at her.
“Are you hungry? Are you tired? James,” his voice cracked, smoothing his hair back and kissing him over again, “James. Are you upset with me?”
It was a tough thing to do, determining the fact from the fiction. That was the problem, James had never really left the battlefield. It was as much a part of him as the here and now was. His rational mind knew he wasn’t in Germany anymore, that there was no threat of attack but the other part of his mind was paranoid that any moment a bomb would fall from the sky and take him away again.
The walk to the house felt too long and too short on legs that felt like iron. It was the first time in seventy years he had actually walked. Before he’d just floated, lingered, it was muscle memory but his mind was ensnared and elsewhere. Nilus guided him and that floating feeling came back every moment or so to remind him that he’d only been dead moments before.
Before he knew it the house was there. He was sitting on a couch that he knew but had never felt until now. The aroma of coffee was enough to serve as an anchor and he found himself holding a cup of warm, caramel colored coffee.
He sipped from the rim of the cup. The liquid was too hot and it burned his tongue but he didn’t mind. That burn made him feel real. James set the cup aside for now and his eyes lifted to Nilus. A breath escaped him, “No.” All of those things, that was the only answer he could think of. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t tired, he wasn’t upset at Nilus. At least he didn’t realize it if he was any of those things. He was desperate to make sense of it all.
James slid his arms around Nilus, leaned up and kissed him sweetly. That was something he was very sure about. That longing he felt had become a dull ache.
He’d been too afraid to do this before. He let him suffer, but he’d pulled him from that void when he finally stopped thinking about himself. When that startling realization came that he couldn't go another day without knowing what could’ve been. James had taught him what it was like to be human, he gave him shape and raw emotion.
Oft times he didn’t know what to do with it. Loving another being was easy, not a chore. He’d always felt a certain sense of purpose around this man. He’d expressed it once and the conversation had been less than pleasant for both parties involved. Sneaking time with one another was like fighting an entirely different war. They’d been caught once, and thankfully it was a friend (and not their CO).
Times were different now.
While it wasn’t the ideal yet, it wasn’t shocking to the population the two males could love one another. Nilus wiped away the dirt on his cheek, war was hell and they’d been through plenty. All of their friends were dead. “It’s 2018, James. We don’t have flying cars yet, we send photographs through the phone and no one cares if you or I are male. Times have changed and you’re as beautiful as ever.”
There had always been that innate fear of being caught during those days in 1945 when it was unheard of socially for one man to love another. He knew it went against everything he’d ever been taught, everything society had honed into their children from an early age, but he’d always been the troublemaking sort, always challenging things and finding ways to circumvent the system. That and he’d fallen hard for the man he was now holding, there was no denying his heart.
The uniform he wore felt tight, almost too tight. His boots made his feet ache just like they had back when. He ignored it. Those things didn’t matter. “2018,” he repeated. Photographs over the phone. He’d seen Nilus on his phone once or twice when he wasn’t busy being caught up in his own despair. Things were going to be overwhelming for a while.
“As long as you are here I can take anything that comes.” His voice was quiet but firm. He was serious. Nilus would make everything easier.
“I am still learning as well,” Nilus could sense some discomfort in his voice and immediately moved off of the couch. He settled on the floor in front of him, unlacing those army issue boots slowly. He tended not to wear shoes at all, people gave him very strange looks. This was the reason why.
He removed one, then the other, looking up at him in adoration. He would take care of him. He promised. “Wait until you see what happens to Captain America in the comics,” he rested a hand over his knee, leaning closer, “they made him into a picture. They played it in the Quiet Home for us.”
“I've missed you so, Jamie,” his heart ached at the words. “We missed so much. I want everything for you,” and he wanted everything to do with him. He curled his fingers into the material of those pants, resting his head on James’ knee. His wings folded so politely behind him, those ivory feathers were a touch grey now, no longer gold at the very edges.
As those boots came off James breathed a sigh of relief. He huffed, a smile blooming across his lips as he peered down at the man kneeling before him. He wiggled his toes. That was much better.
“I need to catch up,” James replied softly. He looked down at Nilus with adoration. The uniform reeked, he would need to change it and shower. It was speckled with blood and soot, with dirt. As if in cue he began to work himself out of the top of the uniform, casting it aside. Left only in the bottoms, a white tee shirt, and his dog tags James sighed with relief again. It felt like peeling off the layers of the past.
He was curious to see how the pictures had changed. Everything had changed. “I’ve missed you too, Nilus.” He meant it. He’d missed him every day the last few decades. “But we are together now.”
Together. He liked the sound of that.
Nilus stayed like that for a moment, ignoring that coppery tang of blood invading his senses. It wasn’t fair to let him sit there covered in grime. He reluctantly removed himself from the man’s person and got to his feet. The bathroom was small but it had everything he needed. He’d find him a toothbrush and some Colgate. He could still taste that metallic tin from the toothpaste in their kits. It’s all he used.
His wings were gone for the moment, willing that burden away as he showed him how to work the taps. He laid a towel out for him and promised to return with clean clothes. He turned back to him, a smile returning to his lips as he leaned in to steal another kiss, “Can I get you anything else?”
James rose slowly.
He teetered on his feet, the boots had been so restrictive but he’d grown used to wearing them and without them he struggled to regain his balance. He set a hand on Nilus’ shoulder and when he felt balanced he pulled back.
It felt so odd standing here in a spot he’d stood in a million times as a ghost now as a man. The bathroom was small, it always had been, but it was perfect for what they needed it for.
That kiss warmed him. “No, thanks.” Nilus had done enough. James was forever in his debt.
He turned and began to peel out of the uniform, leaving them to puddle on the floor.
The shower was like Heaven. It warmed his skin. Blood and grime was washed down the drain, he felt as if he might be younger. Being clean was so refreshing.
After a few more moments James was out and wrapping himself in a fluffy white towel. The clothes Nilus has brought him fit him well, they were a bit longer in the leg considering Nilus was two inches taller but for now they’d do. He’d go get clothes of his own tomorrow.
Hanging up the towel James left the bathroom. Bare feet padded along the hallway in search of his angel.
“Sieglinde, hush. You’ll wake the neighbors,” Nilus was standing out on the front step, cigarette in hand. It was a bad habit and widely accepted in their time. They gave soldiers smokes because it took off the edge, they gave them to the patients for the same reason. Had he been human, he would’ve died long ago.
He was happy, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of the sky. He’d been barred from the host, but his home was in the heart of the man he’d brought back to life. It was worth every moment he’d be away from them. He wouldn’t ask for forgiveness that he didn’t think he needed.
The footsteps approaching reminded him of another time. Nilus flicked the cigarette butt out into the cold and whistled for the dog to scramble back inside. The carnival was no place for them. He’d look into getting another place for them soon. He reached out without looking, taking James by the hand. He turned to him again, burying himself in that sweater he’d given to him. He ran his fingers over his back, settling at his hips, “bed?”
The air was cold.
It chilled him from the bare toes up as he lingered there on the stoop just behind Nilus. The sky was beautiful in a way, the moon jutted against the clouds. He could see the stars clearly.
He stared at the sky for a while until that hand snuck into his own drawing him out of that trance. James squeezed Nilus’ fingers and he smiled. “Bed.” He was more exhausted than he let on.
James slid his free arm around Nilus’ frame and pulled the man close, held onto him as if for dear life.