narrative. WHO: Leah & Hans, & Ren Solitaire WHEN: Backdated to over the Fourth of July Weekend, prior to this. WHERE: The Ogden house in the Capital. SUMMARY: Leah's reflections on her son's visits. WARNINGS: Family estrangement, but nothing too significant.
She wasn't certain that he seemed happy, but then when had he seemed happy to her?
When she thought about it, Leah hadn't been able to remember a single time in the past decade at least that her son had seemed happy. Maybe he never had and maybe that was her fault.
That was, perhaps, the fear she couldn't quite put to rest.
Hans had told her to be cool. He'd found Ben, he'd convinced him to come and visit, and they didn't want him to disappear - figuratively speaking - again.
Leah told him that if Ben wanted to disappear he'd have to go further than Repose.
But, well, Hans was right - and she hated it when he was - she didn't want to have to go track him down.
"Hans says you're working at the coffee shop."
"Yeah, it was a thing to do."
"Do you like it?"
"Yeah." A beat. "It's cool."
The silence lingered longer than she was really comfortable with, Hans fiddled with Indy's ears, and the dog filled at least some of the silence with her antics. Thank God for that ridiculous animal.
"Well, it's not what I would have anticipated you doing, but if you like it and you're happy, that's good."
This had not been the right thing to say, and she could feel it, but she kept the smile on her face and buried the wince. It was a mistake, generally speaking, to have any expectation or pretense at understanding what her son might want. It was a mistake, also, to expect that any of her own understanding would turn out to be what he would do.
A mistake as well to wish for outcomes other than what he'd given them, and so she bit back the follow-up: 'I wish you had contacted us sooner'. Because, well, he hadn't contacted them, for starters, and it was the sort of thing that was likely to end with him heading for the door.
"You still doing any music?" This was Hans, and Leah was relieved to reach for the wine and give Hans the possibility of saying the wrong thing.
How was it there were so many things she wanted to know, but that she couldn't figure out words for? How was he doing really, was he happy, really? Did he have anyone in his life? Obviously Rey was there, but did he talk to her at all? He'd wanted to be an actor once and while she had thoroughly disapproved of it, she wondered now why he hadn't… what had changed his mind? Did he practice anything that Luke had taught him? What was he hoping for in the next year or two?
There had been a time when she would have cared only because she wouldn't have wanted to have been surprised by some negative press, or a question from a reporter, but in recent years, it almost seemed as if the press had forgotten she had any children. If she thought about this too much, it would depress her, but at this particular moment it seemed almost a blessing. If they'd forgotten about him, perhaps she could let him breathe a little, let him be…
He wasn't doing music, he'd explained to Hans, and Leah noted the shuffle of his feet, and decided to just… try again. Like she always had and maybe it'd work this time.
"What do you like about the coffeeshop? You've been there for a while?"
"Yeah." His gaze flickered up as if he was trying to figure out if the question was genuine or not. "Over a year. I like the everyday ordinaryness of it. Plus there's a secondhand book place. Well, it sells some new shi-stuff too. So I get to tell people what to read."
There was something about his lips that twitched, it wasn't a smile, but it was the closest thing she'd seen for a while.
It seemed so impossibly mundane next to who he could be, but perhaps she'd always been afraid he'd be something terrible. And it didn't seem as if there could be much terrible about selling a gently used paper-back to a teenager in a small town.
"Do they listen?" She asked, reaching for her drink.
It was clear this wasn't the question he was expecting, and he shrugged, but she saw the way his lips turned up as he dipped his head. "Sometimes, but generally they end up buying the naked guy in the kilt anyway."
Hans choked slightly.
"I thought all men were naked under their kilts," she took a sip.
He cocked an eyebrow. "I don't know, they never let me out to Scotland, better ask Rey."
"Perhaps next time you can bring her."
"Yeah. Maybe."
It didn't promise that he'd talk to them if he did, and it didn't promise even that he would, but maybe was enough, and Leah, for once, let it settle without pushing too hard. She'd never been very good at not running people off, at times she thought that really only Hans had ever truly stayed, and even he - was away frequently enough, but right now she had some hope that maybe this time would be different.