InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "greatest hits of mullet rock!"

hugh m. (nothingends) wrote in repose,
@ 2019-11-01 13:53:00

Entry tags:

*log, hannah smith, hugh march

hannah & hugh in NYC
WHO: Hannah Smith & Hugh Christian
WHEN: First weekend in November, evening.
WHERE: NYC.
WHAT: Hugh promised to take Hannah to Phantom of the Opera and now that he's got some time between projects, he follows up on that.
WARNINGS: None currently, will update if that changes.

There had been a point in the past month when there had been a distinct danger of Hugh overthinking every single thing about the trip to NYC with Hannah. She was an ex so what gave the wrong impression about their relationship moving forward? What gave the right one? But at some point during the filming, things had, if not clarified completely, settled into a place where he'd stopped overthinking it.

He'd gotten them airfare that was direct from the Capital to NYC, but not first class. He'd glanced between hotel rooms and apartments, and finally decided on a small apartment in midtown with two bedrooms. It had seemed like a nice compromise between having no shared space, and having only shared space. Phantom tickets had been the easiest part, and those he'd paid out for, center orchestra,near the front, a chandelier would raise right over them, and he hoped Hannah would love it and that it would give her one night to not worry about all of the other complications her life might offer that she had no control over.

And during all of this, he'd mostly not thought about the 'what ifs' or all the ways the trip could feel haunted with them. He was where he was, doing what he was, and he had the option to change it at any given time if he decided it was time. And maybe there was a firm boundary that had slid into place and there was no longer any doubt about what he wanted, or expected with Hannah. The question was whether or not it was something they could settle into and that was something he couldn't answer alone, and maybe that was part of the mood.

Because it was impossible to completely get away from the sense of melancholy, and he wasn't certain if it was the weather, or the end of a project, or something else driving it, and he didn't know how to describe it except haunted. He could have filled in a mood board with foggy forests and rainy streets, and it would have visually provided an apt description of how he felt constantly, but he couldn't pinpoint why, and he switched back and forth between trying to figure it out around a cup of gin, and ignoring it with work and so here it was November and he still didn't have a strong explanation for it, and he was having to dive back into his Repose life without really having it settled.

If anything The Phantom of the Opera felt like the perfect musical to see during his current mood: problematic romance, haunted opera houses, beautiful costumes, dancing and masquerades, and it was familiar. This, of all the other things was perhaps one of the biggest things it had going for it because all of the songs and the scene changes, and the costumes were reassuring in their familiarity. And watching Hannah experience it for the first time, was its own delight. Hugh's delight in showing someone something that he liked, hoping they too might love it, wasn't tied to romance. He just loved doing it. And he supposed technically that in the story he'd wove them both he didn't know this show, but he wasn't doing very well at feeling that story tonight.

As he walked outside of the theatre into the crisp, autumn New York night, he turned to look at her and offered a question that could possibly fit into the story, but possibly would just be a question: "Well?"

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

nothingends
2019-11-06 12:02 am UTC (link)

"I don't know if I don't want them," Hugh considered. "More that it wasn't a good time. And maybe I don't. I don't think I need them. If I had some, I'd try to... you know be a good dad." It was an odd concept to think about really. And he didn't feel as if he'd had very much of an example to go with. Really he just hoped all of his attempts to keep from impregnating someone had worked and he wasn't going to be sideswiped in ten years or whatever with a fully grown kid like he'd done to his biological father.

He took a sip of the gin and considered. "Our lives? Theatre. Books sometimes, I'm not very good at that, because I don't read that much, not like you," he offered her a fond smile. "But um, just things. He has a daughter, and he's been incredible about listening to me figure things out this summer," he hesitated. "It's hard for me to talk about the stuff that matters sometimes but it's not really that hard with him, and it's nice to have someone like that. Hopefully I'm not totally misjudging character and it's all going to end up in me being horribly embarrassed down the road - and I'm half like, joking, and half serious, because I don't know how good I am at it anymore. But I think he's good. He feels good."

There was relief at her agreement, and his lips pulled up into a smile, and he squeezed her fingers back, warm, and appreciating that they were still there. There were times he wondered what things looked like moving forward, but he realized just then he hoped they looked like this. Her caring about him, and him caring about her, and that was all either of them needed it to be. Maybe it was exactly what they needed it to be. "I'm glad," he breathed out. "I think we want good things for each other," he smiled. "I think that's how friends should be, probably."

He didn't know how to ask then, 'what's next for Hannah', because he wanted to, but didn't know if it'd just remind her of the things she had no control over, and he didn't want either of them to dig reality into this night too deeply. "No more sex work then. Are there things you will do that you haven't been doing?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

isconfetti
2019-11-06 02:19 am UTC (link)

She smiled at him with a sense of knowing deep, deep in her belly. "You'd be a good dad," she told him, and she thought he would be. But she also thought it would be okay not to have children if he didn't want them, didn't need them, would be happy without them. All those options were okay, and they were all really, really personal.

She ate her last mozzarella stick, and she listened as he talked about Theodore, about what he and Theodore talked about. Listen, listen, and she tried to tell if he was happy, if this was meaningful. She listened to his voice, and she watched his face. And she knew he had trouble with words, with serious, with turning the dirt over until the worms showed. "I'm glad, Hugh. I think it's really important to have someone you can tell all the things to." But it seemed there was more, and she cocked her head to the side in her usual curious manner. "Do you like him?" Maybe that sounded like a terribly young way to ask the question, but she thought it seemed casual and like she wasn't asking about a deep and meaningful love affair.

And they did want good things for each other. They did, and she liked that. That knowledge was a warm place, and she shrugged her shoulder a little bit. "I haven't quit. I probably won't, but it's not like before. There's no compulsion, really. I'm kind of just figuring myself out a little, and figuring out where I stand with my family. Jamie knows what I am now, and he took it really, really badly." Which was an understatement, and which was also a casual way to say the thing she was trying to say.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

nothingends
2019-11-06 03:58 am UTC (link)

There was a smile, and he wanted to believe he would be a good father. He knew he'd try, should he ever find himself in the situation, but he wasn't entirely certain he'd ever find the opportunity to be at this point, and that was fine.

Hugh glanced up at her question, "Of course? I mean it just feels like he's accepted me as I am, and I don't have to pretend at all, and it's nice, is all. It's really nice to have a friend like that." And in terms of anything else, well, Hugh wasn't asking the question. Theodore was attractive, and it felt as if he got Hugh and had almost from the first meeting, but Hugh also knew Theodore had a ring on his finger, and that said everything, really, and Hugh wasn't remotely interested in falling for someone who wasn't going to be interested in him like that. He wasn't even sure he should be looking for a relationship at all right now.

He squeezed her fingers again, and then he reached to finish off the drink he'd ordered, nodding as she talked. "I think it's good to give yourself that time, and to give them that time. I knew months before I talked to you, you know, and it's hard … to wrap your mind around something you aren't used to considering even as a possibility?" He sat the drink down and started in on his food in earnest having not really been eating this entire time. "Tell me about what that means? How are you feeling about it?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

isconfetti
2019-11-06 05:02 am UTC (link)

She noticed that he didn't say if he liked Theodore the way she'd meant, but she wasn't going to push it. All that mattered was that Hugh had found someone he could talk to and be himself with, and that person wasn't always a lover or a romantic interest. But she thought it was so important to have those people, and she was happy for him. "I think he's really smart if he's realized what a great person you are, Hugh. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life." She said it earnestly, and she meant it very much.

She let go of his fingers after the squeeze, and she dipped her final mozzarella stick in sauce as he began to pay attention to his food. "I had already told him I wasn't Amy months ago, and that Amy was dead, and that I had her memories but wasn't her. I thought he knew I was an AI? I told him he could talk about what I was with you, or Si, or Mars, and this was back then. I thought everything was okay, but it's not." Which was a simple way to explain it, but she thought simple was best sometimes.

As for what she felt, she fell silent a little. She took bites of the mozzarella stick, and she took a sip of the water she hadn't touched yet. "I feel... angry. He told someone else, someone I barely know, and that was my thing. I get to decide who knows. It's dangerous!" She lowered her voice again. "It's dangerous, and it's also mine. I promised I wouldn't say anything to him about it, and I know he probably needed to talk to someone about it, but there are some things you just don't tell. Private and personal things. Things like this. It's mine, not his."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

nothingends
2019-11-06 05:17 am UTC (link)

The praise meant something, and he hoped she meant it. There were days he wasn't certain of it, but other days when he could feel it more, and this was one of those where it seemed obvious to him, that yes - he had things to offer, friendships that would matter to people.

He listened, considering. He could see how Jamie might not have known, and how Hannah might have thought he would, because it was a strange thing to think about, really, and it was difficult to wrap his mind around. And he'd gotten it, and even when he'd passed it on to Si as his secret santa, he'd really only given him a piece of it. He knew more, but it had felt obvious to him that it was Hannah's thing to say to her brother at the time, and he could understand that anger. Really, he could understand it well, because it was so difficult for him to say things.

He turned the cup in his hand, there wasn't much of it left and he was trying to decide if he wanted to add a cup of wine to the evening or not, but right now he didn't finish it. It was possible Jamie hadn't understood how dangerous it was, he didn't really know how much Jamie knew about the companies, or any of it, and he frowned. "I agree completely," he told her softly. "I didn't even tell Si all of it, when I knew, because… it seemed like that should be something you should say, and decide. And it can be difficult to talk to someone when they don't know, I get that -" he'd had more than a few conversations with Theodore where he'd talked around a lot, after all " - but I'm so sorry. Have you told him how you feel?" He chewed on his lower lip for a moment. "Do you think it's bad this person knows? Will it cause you problems?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

isconfetti
2019-11-06 06:12 am UTC (link)

She did mean it. He was a good friend, and she knew that sometimes she wasn't really easy to be friends with. She talked in circles and got lost in her head, and she had a lot of things that were confused and scared and trauma. She knew all these things, but he'd still been there for her, and he was good to her, and anyone who had him as a friend would be really, really lucky.

Quietly, she waited. She watched his face as he thought, and she knew he would think it all through, because he was thoughtful that way. She watched him turn the cup. She sipped from her own water, and when the waitress came she did ask for another cup of the sparkly-sweet wine. Just a little more. Just enough to make her sleepy, and it made the conversation easier, too. And it was a lot to put on him, but she didn't want to rage at Si. She didn't want Si and Jamie to argue because of her, and if she told Si then he and Jamie would absolutely argue.

"Thank you," she said when he finally spoke, because it was wonderful to have someone understand. "The person he told asked me not to be mad at him, not to be mad at Jamie, I mean, and I don't know how not to be. I also don't know how not to be hurt that he said he didn't know how he felt about me being his sister now. I understand, but it's still hard. Imagine if you woke up, just as you are right now, all the same thoughts and feelings, and you think you're you, and it turns out you're not. It's hard for people to look at me as something different. My sister jokes about my getting computer viruses and shutting down, and I know it's her way of dealing too, but it's still hard." And now she was talking too much, and the wine came, and she took a long, long swallow.

"I haven't talked to Jamie since he said he wasn't sure. I don't think it'll be trouble. I hope it won't be. But the more people that know things, then the more people they can tell, and that's dangerous."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

nothingends
2019-11-06 06:48 pm UTC (link)

"I don't think it's wrong to be angry or mad," Hugh told her quietly after he too had asked for another cup of wine from the waitress. "I can understand why the person would ask you not to be mad, especially if they're a friend of Jamie's, which I'm assuming that they are, or he wouldn't have said something to them. But… It's something that has the potential to shift how people see you. And it impacts you if those perceptions shift, and it's not fair for you to not have control over when that happens."

He reached for the cup of water he'd been ignoring and took a sip of it wincing at the comments from her sister. He'd never woke up not truly being him, but he'd gone through shifting in people's expectations of him. It wasn't the same at all, but the emotion he suspected was the important piece and it always hurt when people didn't understand you.

"I'm glad that you don't think there will be trouble, and I hope that it isn't, for you, and for Jamie honestly too. I'm sure he had reasons for saying something, and you can't stuff the cat back in the bag, or whatever," he waved a hand, reached for the wine that had arrived.

"With your siblings though, and their reactions, I don't know. I think, from my own experience that it's always better for me to name the emotion, even if it's just to myself than to try to hide it. Trying to pretend that I'm nice, when I'm angry, or that I don't mind, when I do, it almost always ends up in badness down the road. It's okay to be hurt by Jamie's reaction or your sisters, or anyone's. Sometimes it helps me to adjust my expectations, which isn't to say that hurtful things don't happen and that people don't hurt me, but when I figure out what I can accept from those expectations and what I need to say something about, it helps me react more intentionally. I guess," he took a sip of the wine and sat it down.

"Has it gotten better at all since you told them? Besides this situation with Jamie?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

isconfetti
2019-11-07 02:10 am UTC (link)

She nodded while he talked, because he got it. He understood, and she had been sitting on this and trying to decide if she was being sane or not. A lot of times, things with Jamie made her feel like she was overreacting, and she hadn't talked to Si about this yet. She wasn't supposed to, and maybe she'd need to make Si promise not to talk to Jamie about it, but it was good to know Hugh thought she wasn't insane to feel how she felt.

But she didn't think there would be trouble. It wasn't that. She liked Seven so far, but, "it's kind of like someone you just met knowing what you look like naked. Maybe that sounds like a weird way to describe it, but they shouldn't know unless you decide to show them."

And she listened to what he said about family and feelings, and she knew he was right. She did. It was hard for her to not placate, to not soothe ruffled feathers. It was the same thing that kept her quiet so much, that had kept her smiling so much when things were really, really bad, and she wasn't really sure how good she was going to be at turning back the clock on that. But she smiled at him warmly, a little glint of teasing in blue. "I'll yell really loudly at the top of my lungs one day, and maybe it'll help more than anything else could." But she shrugged a little. "Mars is okay. She wants me not to keep things from her anymore, and I'm doing that. She's angry about a lot of things, but she really just wants to be sisters. And Si has known the longest, and I think he mostly pretends I'm me. I haven't spoken to my brother-in-law in a while, but I'll check in on him soon. He's a little bit of a loner."

She took another sip of her water, her wine gone now, and she smiled again, more warmly. "Thank you so much for this trip, Hugh. And for talking to me. And for the lovely meal of gourmet mozzarella sticks. And for being my friend."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

nothingends
2019-11-07 05:29 am UTC (link)

"No, it's not at all a weird way to describe it. Something that significant to who you are, it's yours to tell, and I can see it feeling like that if you didn't get that choice."

He'd tried to talk to Jamie and mostly it had gone horribly and he hadn't been certain why, or what to do about it. He'd had the luxury of just ignoring the situation, but that wasn't something that Hannah could do, not unless she stopped talking to him altogether and that had other ramifications.

His lips turned up in a full smile. "You can take up space," he told her. "All of your emotions, as grand and messy as they are. You're allowed to always. Yell if you want. And I'm glad that Mars is okay. And Si. And I hope that when you speak to your brother-in-law it'll be good. And that maybe you and Jamie can come to an understanding too. I want you to be happy, Hannah."

He took another sip of the drink, and left the rest, reaching over for her hand."I still love you," he told her quietly, without any hesitation. Maybe at one point he would have hesitated, afraid she would get the wrong idea, but he didn't think she would now. Hugh had always replaced his own siblings with family found in his peer groups and colleagues. And maybe Hannah was the first of his found family in Repose. "You're a dear friend, and I'm so glad we did this. Shall we head back? We could talk a bit more on the way if you want."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: NYC: Hannah & Hugh

isconfetti
2019-11-07 08:18 am UTC (link)

She laughed a little, a nervous and grateful laugh. "Thank you. You brought me here, paid for everything, got me away before the bad things that might come with work. And then you go and make me feel really, really sane, too." It was a big thing. For a woman who hadn't been considered sane in years and years, long before AIs or husbands, it was a big, big thing. And he wasn't alone with finding it hard to make things okay with Jamie, and she knew that, so she appreciated it even more than he was willing to talk about this with her. It mattered a lot to her.

"I hope so. I hope you're right and everything will be okay, and I think for tonight I'm going to take your hope and make it my hope. I promise not to get it dirty before I give it back," she said, her smile a warm thing, something bright and of the moment, and she liked moments. She liked remembering them, freezing them, and this old pub was a good place for memories.

She didn't get the wrong idea at all. "I love you too," and she meant it like he did. She cared about him, and she wanted good things, and she squeezed his fingers back and nodded. "Okay," she told him of heading back, and she pushed her stool back and slid to her feet. "I'll wait outside while you pay? I want to steal as much of the New York cold and sounds and life as I can," she told him. "I might be dancing on the sidewalk by the time you get out there," she teased, and then she walked to where he was, kissed his cheek, and did as she said she'd do.

She walked outside.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -