Re: [Recovery: Marta & Hannah]
Hannah's smile received one of Marta's in return. Still not wide, not the easy and joyful thing that accompanied easy laughter. But Marta hadn't shown that smile to anyone in a long time. The closest she'd gotten was in a room by herself, face-to-screen with someone on the other end. Sometimes, if she thought about it, she wondered if she still had that smile hidden inside of herself somewhere, or if it had been crushed and destroyed by years of self-abuse and trauma. It was a sad thought to think, so she tried not to.
Goodbye didn't always mean forever. Most of the time it was an "until next time". And admittedly, most of that interaction was lost behind the curtain of you took too much this time, but of the moment Marta did remember, that was a particularly clear one. Reaching out and not feeling his hand around hers, the goodbye, the "take care of yourself", the solid slam of a heavy SUV door. There wasn't any sort of question there in her mind. It was an ending. It was a lump of pain in the back of her throat that she tried (unsuccessfully) to swallow down so she could choke out an almost-word. "Nnn...uh." She shook her head again, more definite this time. She wasn't as able to control her fingers when she was emotional, so there was more backspacing needed when she looked down again to type.
no. said it with words amd more. didnt touch or look at me.
She was glad to return to the confusion of Hannah and Si being siblings. It didn't stop up her lungs or feel like something sharp had hooked into the soft hollow of her stomach.
don't think so? not your name at least. you didn't either until now. two people connected that i didn't know would be?
She nodded to confirm what she'd been asking. There could be a ton of reasons someone might not be okay with it. She didn't consider a one-night anonymous hookup followed by a forum conversation to be "involved", and she never would have described it that way. In fact, her eyes went a little wide and confused, and she shook her head again, harder, when Hannah described it that way. But it didn't have to be "involved" for it to make someone upset. Though Marta had yet to encounter any judgement from Hannah, there were still plenty of people out there that would object to a loved one even spending time with a person with Marta's history. Even without shared feelings or mutual ghosts.
Hannah was sort of beyond anyone Marta had ever known before. She worked in a different way, and there were always passing moments and bits of personality that Marta wasn't expecting. Which, considering some of the people in her past, wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It sort of kept her on her toes, at least. Though the questions often needed a moment for her to be able to answer. Time in which she either looked at Hannah, down at the tablet, or off into the middle distance as she thought about things. And then she held her hand up for a second, thumb and forefinger held a small distance apart and her eyebrows raising a little crookedly.
maybe a little? not bad, just confused and surprised? i didn't know him before. only slept together 1 time, talked 2 times - 1 before 1 after.
The flush was back at the base of her throat, and she didn't look up at Hannah any more between typing.
weird to think about both of you. weird to think about you talking about me. finding out. seems like a strange conversation?
She felt like there was more to say, but her fingers stalled, hovering over the screen but not typing, her gaze still not lifting.