|pam81 (pam81) wrote in qaf_drabbles,|
@ 2012-12-31 14:54:00
|Entry tags:||gusmas 2012|
Gusmas 2012: "Troubles in Paradise"
Title: "Troubles in Paradise"
Beta: Carolyn shadownyc ♥ Thank you hon! All remaining mistakes are mine. Special thanks also to my dear pet0511 for helping me with the story.
Prompt(s): All the 37 prompts for a full coherent story.
Notes: I wrote 37 drabbles using all the prompts linked, I fulfilled my challange with prompts Dec 5/Dec 22/Dec 28 and the one for the picture prompts. I'm a member of kinnetik_sun and qaf_land I fulfilled the challange for Dec.7, Dec.18 and Dec.19. Gus is in 4 drabbles. And it's also drabylon dollars! Sorry Lisa brianswalk ;)
Red is the color of passion, of love… of rage.
And rage is what I see right now.
I look at the roses that were just delivered and all I want to do is throw them in the trash.
Out of my sight.
This can't happen. Not again, please.
Life has been so good lately and we certainly don't need a ghost from the past to come in and ruin it.
Fucking fiddler! Why after all these years? Why?
I keep reading the note and I can't stop feeling sick.
"To my muse, my first love, my everything. Love Ethan."
Petrified, angry, scared… that's what I am.
What the fuck am I going to do?
Should I throw them away, like nothing happened?
Do I need to tell Justin about them?
Am I really crazy enough to reopen a chapter I thought was closed for good?
As much as I wish I could forget about the roses, I won't lie to Justin.
And then I'll have to ask him to make a decision, like he did many years ago.
It's up to him to decide where he wants to be.
I just hope this time his choice will be different.
I can't breathe, I feel like I'm trapped and I need to go out.
The cold air hits me as soon as I open the door but I don't care.
I was suffocating inside.
It's a bright night. The sky is full of stars and I can't help but think about all the times Justin and I stayed here for hours, on the porch, talking, planning our future, kissing and well, you know me; there was of course a lot of fucking too.
I wonder if we're going to have evenings like that again, once he knows that Ethan's back.
I'm going crazy thinking about all this mess and I really need to hear his voice.
He answers almost immediately.
"I was thinking about you." His voice so warm and I can tell he's smiling.
"Yeah, me too." I try to act like nothing's bothering me, but I fail because he can tell I'm upset.
"What's wrong?" Yeah, we know each other so well.
"Nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?"
"Brian, please. You can't fool me. Not anymore."
"Nothing's wrong, except for you breaking your fucking promise."
Oh fuck! This is definitely not what I wanted to say.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You tell me."
"Brian, I honestly don't know."
"I'm talking about violins, you little shit! You promised. No more violins."
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
"Yes, but it's not what you're thinking."
"Fucking say it!"
"Before leaving for my trip, I got a present. From Ethan. His last CD."
"And you didn't tell me because…?"
"Because I didn't care and because I thought ignoring it was the best solution."
"Well, genius, it seems like your plan didn't work because he tried for the second time to get your attention."
"Brian... can we please talk tomorrow? I'm tired, jet lag is killing me and you know, it's 4 am here."
"Need time to find some excuses? Oh wait, no. Maybe you're not even there alone. Are you? Or did you bring him along with you?"
"You didn't just ask me that."
"I sure did and I'm not regretting asking you."
"You're unbelievable, you know? I'm so angry with you right now."
"Yeah, that makes two of us."
"Listen, and listen carefully because I'm going to say this only once: there's no one with me. Is this how you trust me?"
"It's not that."
"Seriously? Because that's the idea I got after your question."
This conversation is definitely not how I wanted it to turn out.
I wasn't angry before calling him, but now, I don't know…
I guess I'm just scared that he's going to leave. Again.
I trust Justin, I really do. It's just that the fucking fiddler brought back many painful memories.
I thought it was water under the bridge, but maybe it isn't.
I have so many questions on my mind but I'm afraid to ask, 'cause I don't know if I'm ready to hear the answers.
I hate feeling like this, so vulnerable.
And I hate Justin because he's the reason why I'm like this.
"Brian? Are you there?"
Shit! I forgot he's waiting for me to say something back.
"Yeah. The problem is not about me not trusting you; it's about him coming back in our life. And okay, fine, you didn't care, but you should have told me about the first gift you got."
"I know, but I had to leave and it would have been a shame if something so stupid would have ruined our last moments together. It was not worth it."
"You know what? Enough talking about Ian. How's Italy?"
"Not that I had much time to be a tourist yet, but it's great here. I can't wait for you to come back with me when the exhibition will take place. You're going to love Via Della Spiga andVia Monte Napoleone. Even though I'm afraid for your bank account."
"Mine? Didn't it become our bank account the infamous day I thought it was a good idea to put a ring on your finger?"
"More reasons to be afraid then. We'll have to live under a bridge, or worse, at Debbie's."
"Seriously, I could really give up on my shopping if that's the result."
"Oh shut up, you love Debbie, and her house has always been like a home to you."
"Yes, but that's when I was fourteen years old. And even then, there were times when I felt like an outsider. Debbie, Michael and Vic were a family; I was just the boy with a fucker as a father and a bitch as mother. They took pity on me. Sometimes when I stayed over for dinner I kept looking at them, watching how close they were, and I felt alone."
"They loved you from the very first moment, Brian. It's just that you didn’t know what being part of a real family meant. But now you know."
"Now go back to dreamland, twat."
"Fuck you. Will you tell Gus I said 'hi'?"
"I will. He's studying for a test he has next week. He's also planning to spend New Year's Eve with his friends, snowboarding in Vermont."
"Ah… the good, old Vermont."
"Shut up. Good night, Justin."
"Night, Brian. Ti amo."
"What the fuck was that?"
"It means I love you in Italian."
"Yeah, you too. Later"
I wish I could say I left my insecurities and fears behind overnight but the truth is that I'm feeling even more upset this morning. As if this isn't enough, I find a postcard from him in the mail.
Don't do it. Don't read it.
I read it.
'Look at the image, what do you see? A peaceful place, where you can be free. Meet me today at the Diner, 11 am. Love Ethan'
That piece of shit! How the fuck does he know where we live?
Okay Kinney, time for you to finally face the demon of your past.
I spot him sitting in the Diner and take a moment to study him.
He looks just like the last time I saw him. Same shitty clothes, same annoying smile.
"Kinney. What are you doing here?"
"I got your card."
"It was for…"
"Justin, I know. Do you think I'm an idiot?"
"So why did you come?"
"I was curious to see if you're still the same loser you were years ago."
"Well, if I remember correctly, I wasn't the only one. Did you conveniently forget that you lost him too?"
"No, but it's not going to happen again."
"That's what you say. Does Justin agree with you?"
"He made his choice a long time ago. Stay away from him, from us, from our family."
"Well, well. What do we have here? Someone's jealous?"
"Justin chose you because I fucked up. I wasn't ready for him back then. Now I am, and I want him back."
"Christ, do you hear yourself? We're not talking about some object you use and then throw away. Why don't you go back to your hotel, watch a movie about a lost love, cry over it and leave us the fuck alone?"
He starts to giggle. The asshole has the balls to laugh in my face.
Now it's time for me to kill him, right?
"We both know that when someone offers Justin something he always wanted, he takes it. Like with me, or when he went to L.A., or do we need to talk about him moving to NYC? I feel sorry for you, believe me. Truth hurts. But that's what's going to happen again. Sometimes you have to take the things as they are, you can't fight them. Why don't you give your heart a break?"
"You're full of shit!"
He is, right? So why do his words hurt me? Because I know he's telling some truths?
"You're just fooling yourself if you think Justin will give up on me, on our family. And how the fuck do you know about L.A. or New York?"
I have to ask, I just have to because curiosity is eating me alive.
"Well, teachers work to get to know their students better, right?"
"Please, as if you don't know. Oh wait. You really don't know. How is it possible? It's not a secret. Gus is one of my students."
"Stay away from Gus. Stay away from Justin. Stay away from my family."
And with that, I leave.
I don't even look back.
Fuck! Why? Why did no one tell me he's Gus' teacher? Justin must have known it; Ian made it clear.
I feel lost and I don't know what to think anymore. It feels like my family somehow betrayed me.
Will I be able to forgive, yet again?
How can I be so fucking angry with him but at the same time craving so badly to have him in my arms, to hold him and never let go?
As soon as I get in my car it starts to rain heavily. Watching the water running down the windshield I get lost in my thoughts. What am I going to say to Justin? To Gus? I know I need some answers but this is probably not the right time to get any. I need to calm down first before assaulting them with questions.
I drive home cautiously but stay in the car for a long while until Gus comes out.
"Dad? What the fuck are you doing there? Why don't you come inside? You're going to catch a cold."
"Dad? What's wrong?"
"What did you say to Ethan?"
"Your new teacher."
"You mean Mr. Gold? How do you know him?"
"It doesn't matter. What did you say? About me, about Justin. I need to know."
"He asked us to introduce ourselves and our families and so I told him I have two moms and two dads. I said I was a lucky guy because I had four parents who love me deeply and who love each other. That I've lived in Canada for some years and then we came back home because we missed the family."
"Why are you asking me about my teacher? And how do you know him?"
"He's… someone from our past. Well, at least that was what I thought."
"Why are you so upset? What did Mr. Gold do?"
"He… he offered Justin all the things I wasn't able to give him back then and…"
"And Justin left. He went with him."
"Shit! I didn't know that. But why are you scared now? Things are good between you and Dad, right?"
"No buts here. Justin loves you. What happened in the past is not going to happen again."
"And you're so sure because…?"
"Please, are you serious? I spend lots of time here with you and I have eyes, you know? I can see, hell, I can feel the love you have for each other. You surely drive him crazy, but I think he loves you even when he says he wants to kill you because you're a drama queen."
"Hey, watch it, Sonny Boy! I'm not a drama queen."
"Keep telling yourself that."
"Shut up or I'm going to cut you out of my will."
"Whatever. Com'on, let's go inside. It's fucking freezing. I'll light the fire."
Gus wants to know everything about Ethan and what happened, and though all I want is to forget about the fucking fiddler, I tell him the whole story.
But now I think it was a huge mistake. He keeps looking at me, somehow waiting for me to break down.
He's worried and suggests he should stay at home today instead of going to his mothers to celebrate Hanukkah.
As if I need a babysitter. What does he think I'm going to do? Kill myself?
I tell him to leave but he's not listening.
Mel is so going to love this.
Justin's plane landed a few minutes ago.
I'm here waiting for him and I'm shaking like crazy.
What a fucking lesbian! The 'old' Brian Kinney would have laughed at me.
Justin said he was going to take a bus or a train from the airport, but I really need to see him.
I couldn't wait till this evening to touch him, to feel him, to know we're okay.
Yes, I have a presentation and that's why he didn't want me to come and pick him up, but I'm sure Ted is going to get the account even without my help.
And then I see him.
He looks terribly tired but still, so fucking beautiful.
He's looking at his phone and didn't see me right away, but then he suddenly stops and it's like a fucking movie, where everything else disappears and there's just us. It is as if he feels my presence.
He looks at me and smiles. The fucking smile that can still make my heart beat faster even after so many years.
I find myself smiling back and before I can even say hi or think about my next move, he's in my arms, his lips on mine.
We slowly come back to reality but we're not ready yet to break the contact.
I look into his eyes, searching for answers I'm afraid to ask, afraid to see guilt somewhere, but there's just love. Pure, simple love. And it's such a huge relief.
"Stop thinking and stop hurting yourself with all your nonsense thoughts. I knew you were going to imagine the worst. It's time for you to stop. I'm here, I love you. Trust me, I am not going anywhere. And now, can we go back home? I need you to fuck me."
You’d think his words are all I needed to finally push all my insecurities away?
Yeah, well, it helped… for the first day. I was so busy fucking his brain out, making up for all the days we've lost while he was away, that Ethan was the last thing I cared to think about.
But as soon as the 'honeymoon phase' ended, it all came back to me.
I knew what I should do: trust Justin, stop the bullshit and go on with our lives; forget Ian once and for all.
But it's not so easy to actually do it.
Not even Justin's text, saying that since it's Solstice today we'll have more time to fuck tonight, is able to cheer me up.
I'm having a bad day; someone messed up the graphics for one of our campaigns, it's snowing and it takes me hours to drive home because traffic is paralyzed. And, of course, my head is 'working' too much.
"I called Ethan."
Well, fuck me! I thought it couldn't get worse but hey, faith is a bitch, you know?
"What the fuck for?"
"To tell him to stay away from us, to stop playing, that I'm not interested."
"Are you sure this is what you want?
"You're fucking unbelievable, you know? Jesus, I feel the need to punch you so hard right now."
"Well, excuse me if I had some problems with your ex showing up again. And let's not forget he's the one you left me for."
"Shit, Brian. We're talking about years ago. I was young; I made a mistake. Can't you see how much I love you? Don't you feel it?"
"So let's stop the bullshit. And now please, make love to me. I need you, all of you. That's all I want."
That night changed everything. Justin showed me with his touch, with his words, how much he wants me and just me.
He pushed away all my doubts and insecurities.
He showed me I didn't need to be afraid.
He said he should be angry 'cause I didn't trust him enough. But he also said that somehow, he could understand why I was so scared.
We never really talked about Ethan before and that was probably a mistake because we never closed that door.
But we did it now and I can say that, if possible, we're even closer than before.
Like every year, I said "No, no fucking way we're going to host another Christmas celebration here at Britin".
But, as always, Justin's answer was "Yeah, sure" and then he distracted me with sex.
The little shit thinks he has me wrapped around his finger.
To be honest, maybe that's not so wrong, because in the end, I always find myself giving in to all his wishes. He says I'm such a softy; I say he's a manipulative twat.
Tomorrow the noisy family is going to invade our home, but tonight, on Christmas Eve, it's just Justin, Gus and me.
Christmas is chaotic.
Justin says I should have gotten used to the mess we usually have on Christmas, and maybe I am, but where's the fun if I don't complain?
Lost in my thoughts I don't realize they started to exchange presents. Fuck! Now I'm nervous.
I didn't know what I could buy for someone who has everything.
And so I decided to go for a romantic gift. Yeah, unbelievable.
Justin is looking with teary eyes at the bracelet I chose for him and the tears start coming down as soon as he sees the engraved symbol that means 'Eternity'.
Even if Britin is huge, and I mean, really huge, I'm still having a hard time understanding how it could fit us all.
The family had grown so much during these years, adding to our initial small group, we’ve now had to add mothers/fathers, in-laws, sons, daughters, boyfriends, significant others and old friends.
Like Daphne who’s now smiling, looking at the beautiful Kaftans Justin gave her as a present.
"Thank you, Justin. It's beautiful. I will wear it to celebrate Kwanzaa."
"What the hell is Kwanzaa?" This comes from J.R. I laugh, I can't help it. She's definitely Mel's daughter.
We are all still laughing about J.R's question while Lindsay tried to remind her daughter not to swear, when something has to ruin the moment.
Justin receives a message on his phone and I see his smile fading.
"What?" I ask a little worried.
"Don't worry, I won't answer. Maybe this way he'll understand he has to stop stalking me."
"I know a little persistent stalker that was able to win the man in the end. Maybe…"
"Stop right there. If you go on, I swear I'm going to cut off your remaining ball."
I try to forget about Ethan for the rest of the day and at the end, I survive another Christmas with our big, crazy, noisy family.
There's another surprise waiting for Justin tonight.
I know I've been an asshole lately, not trusting my partner and letting my fears eat me alive.
Justin has been patient and understanding and good with me while I was freaking out these last days and I think he deserves a little reward.
That's the reason why there's a bottle of red wine, candles and rose petals on our bed.
Someone might say it's ridiculously romantic.
Maybe I was a little out of character and I fear he is going to laugh.
But his smile and the surprised look on his face are the very best reward.
"Brian… this is… you are…"
"I just wanted to show you how much you mean to me, how much I want you to be happy and satisfied."
"Brian, I am happy and satisfied. I don't need you to prove how much you love me. I already knew it. But… thank you. It's beautiful and perfect and I love you. Now give me the wine. Let's get drunk and fuck!"
And that's what we do. All night long. We drink, we fuck, we laugh and talk.
"Brian…do you remember what you said the night before I left for New York?"
"Mmm… That I was going to miss your ass?"
"Nope. Oh well, that too, but it's not what I meant. You said it's only time."
"Yes, that. Did you realize that was probably the biggest bullshit you've ever said?"
"Yeah, I figured it out long ago myself."
"Good. Because, you know, time is precious. Time goes by so fast and you can't have back the moments you've lost."
"No more wine for little Justin."
"Shut up, I'm serious. That's one of the reasons why I left New York and came back home. I couldn’t go on and stay away from you anymore. We were losing time, time we could have spent together…"
"Yeah. And we missed so many fucks."
"That too. But seriously, what do you think?"
"I think that… you coming home was the best decision you've ever made."
"I love you, you know?"
"I know. Thank you."
"Yes, thank you. For loving me. For coming back. You complete me."
"Oh well, then… you're welcome."