|perhin (perhin) wrote in perhin_fics,|
@ 2008-04-23 12:38:00
|Entry tags:||harry potter, humor, parody, rated pg|
Castle Computer Troll
Title:Castle Computer Troll
Summary:A parody of the 'troll in the bathroom' scene in the Chambers of Secrets.
Everyone was in the Great Hall. It had been a particularly good Halloween so far. Dumbledore had taken his medication with the help of Professor McGonagall. Snape (for the sake of the story) stopped looking at Hermione during potions, but it had cause a horrible problem with the Snape/Hermione readers, so for them he occasionally fantasized about her on a ship going to Cancun and a house-elf playing the guitar while they danced. Harry had stopped angsting for a while. So it was all good!
But then! Out of nowhere! A silly man in a turban A.K.A. Professor Quirrel came running into the Great Hall. He started babbling and it took several people to get him to calm down enough for him to speak properly.
"Clam down-"started Professor Flickwick, but Dumbledore began laughing loudly.
"He-He said clam instead of calm!" He laughed some more and said, "You're all a lot of clams and scallops! Tee hee!" The only one who laughed was Colin Creevy, the type of child who needed photography lessons and therapist for his odd, very, very odd obsession with Harry.
The teachers rolled their eyes and Professor Binns fanned Quirrel with a ghostly piece of parchment.Ooooowooooooo!....Scary. But not as scary as:
"There is a TROLL in the SCHOOL!" the Quirrel said. As there should have been, there was immediate panic in the Great Hall; grills and girls screaming and running about the hall; boys hiding under tables and skirts, hoping the troll wouldn't notice them; web forum moderators putting on their badges, showing that they could have the troll removed if he posted excessively.
"Now everyone calm down! There is no need to panic," said Dumbledore. The meds had set in. Everyone stopped what they were doing."Wait.What am I saying? Everyone panic!" The old headmaster screamed and ran to his office. Everyone waited until he was around the corner before they continued pandemonium.
Minerva growled loudly, getting everyone's attention.
"Everyone be QUIET NOW! Now, everyone will fallow their house's prefects to your common room RIGHT NOW! NOW GO!"
All of the students got into a line and marched out of the Great Hall.
"Hey, Ron," Harry said as they marched in spaced for forty-two counts waiting for the Hufflepuffs to get out of the way. "Hermione's in the bathroom!"
"Good. I hope she has plenty of reading material with all the books she has."
"No! She doesn't know about the troll!"
"Oooooh.Is this the part where we be all heroic and save her?"
"Sure is! Let's go!"
They ran quickly out of line before the prefects could yell at them. They turned a few sharp corners and stopped. They were at the girl's bathroom door.
"What do we do?" asked Ron.
"I guess we just cover our eyes and walk in"
The two boys expected it to be an island oasis, but they were a bit disappointed that it looked just like their bathroom and there weren't any free towels or soap. Hermione was hiding in the last stall and she cried even more when she heard the door open.
"Hermione!" Harry called.
"H-harry?" Hermione managed to say through sobs. "This is the girl's bathroom. You can't be in here. It's not like it's an island oasis."
Ron's eye brows went sky high when she said that last bit. She must be a seer, he thought.
"Hermione, there's a troll in the school!"
"There is a troll in the school."
"No. I heard you. I meant it to be like "for real" or something"
"Oh. Well, yes it's real. Professor Turban just ran into the Great Hall and told us!"
There was a nice sighed from the last stall. "And you and Ron came to rescue me?"
Ron looked like he no longer had eye brows. He mouthed `she knew I was here' to Harry. Harry shook his head.
"Come on Hermione," Harry said. "We need to go to the common room!"
"Okay!" She came out and was about to smile, but instead she let out a scream.
"Oh, we can't be that ugly in florescent light," Ron said. She pointed behind them. There was a girl with bright blonde hair and she was chewing bubble gum.
"GASP!" Harry gasped. "It's a girl who got her story sporked at Deleterius and is now seeking revenge as a troll!"
"And look!" Ron said. "There's a mountain troll next to her bigger than King Kong."
"RON!" Hermione shouted. "King Kong is a muggle film, how could you have known about it in this story?"
"I'm not the author! She is!" He pointed to a girl wearing thick glasses and a Daniel Radcliff t-shirt. "Hi. How you doin'?"
Harry stared at his shoes. "Where were we again?"
"TROLL!" Quirrel said down the hall.
Hermione, in most damsel in distress cases, screamed and sank to a sitting position and complained about her broken ankle. Harry and Ron were throwing things at the troll and yelling insults at it. The troll took no notice, until a very odd thing happened. Harry, being the main hero in this fan fiction, climbed on top of the troll and stuck his wand in its nose, causing it to have a nose bleed. Having lost a lot of blood the troll passed out and died.some how.yea.
"Hooray!" said Ron and Hermione. The two hugged.
Snape growled. "Not until Book Six!"
The let go and fallowed Harry out into the hallway. All of the teachers were there.
"Why were you in the bathroom fighting a troll?" Professor McGonagall asked.
The boys mumbled, but Hermione spoke up.
"I thought I could beat it on my own! Roawr! And I broke my ankle"- she pointed to her ankle, which had a bone sticking out- "and they came to my rescue. I say you should deduct points from me and give them the amount of points I lost."
"McGonagall nodded. "That's a good idea. Miss Granger, you lose fifty points, and Harry and Ron you both get twenty-five points. Now go to your common room! NOW!"
And the three were bestsest friends forever!