rysosrs (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} rysosrs) wrote in ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} patdolym_shadow,@ 2008-09-11 22:09:00 |
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Team Spencer: It’s Better To Die on One’s Feet than to Live on One’s Knees
Dear Ryan,
I’m sorry.
This is the fourteenth time I have started this letter. We will see if this ends up being the final draft. I started out by trying to explain everything. But that was too hard, and I just don’t know what to say. I know what I want to say. I know what I want you to think. But nothing seems to get my point across. I want you to know that this isn’t what I wanted to happen. This isn’t what I wanted to become. But it all sounds like excuses. That’s not what I want to give you. You don’t need my excuses.
You need to know that I am sorry. Or maybe that’s what I need you to know. But I am Ryan. Even for the things I couldn’t control. I’m so so sorry.
It’s been a long time, I know. I don’t even know if you will open this letter, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I know what you are expecting me to say. But, I just can’t talk about that right now. Despite the amount of time that has passed, I’m just not ready to face that reality. But, please know that it isn’t what it seems. God, Ryan, I hope that you believe me. But, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.
I saw you today. That is why I’m writing to you. You didn’t see me. But I saw you. I wasn’t expecting to. It was quite the surprise. You were with her. I’m not saying that as a bad thing, I swear, I was just… shocked, that’s all. I guess I never really believed that you loved her. That’s probably the root of all my problems. But, I don’t want to talk about that right now.
Let me try again. I don’t want to start everything over again. So, let’s just consider this a retry.
I saw you today. After 7 years and 132 days I saw you for the first time. And you were with Keltie. (See, I dropped the attitude. This paragraph is better already.) When I got up this morning I decided to go to the park. The park that we used to go to. Do you remember it? Of course you do, you were there today. That’s not what I meant. Do you remember when we used to go there? It was a safe haven of sorts. Or, that’s how I felt anyway. I think you felt it too. We had the best conversations there. It might have been because of the pot, but I’d like to think it was the atmosphere. You are probably wondering why I am in Vegas and you haven’t seen me. I’ll get to that later.
Anyway. I was at the park. Thinking about how I wish things could have been different. I think about that a lot, you know. Sometimes I close my eyes in hopes that if I concentrate hard enough I will be suddenly shoved back in time. And then I could fix it. But that never happens. I’m rambling. I was never the one who was good with words.
So, when I opened my eyes after wishing I could go back to when things were all ok, I saw you standing there. Your back was to me. And Keltie was there. And the cutest little girl was standing in between you grasping tightly to your and Keltie’s hands. She looked about four. I could only see that back of you, but I knew that you were happy. I am slowly dying on the inside. But you are happy, and God, that’s all I ever wanted anyway.
I wish I could explain everything. I can’t. But I want you to know that I am sorry. I’m a fuck up. It’s how I’ve always been. I didn’t mean for it to happen, Ryan, I swear I didn’t. I spent so much time wasting my life away. Sitting on the side lines, watching it happen. Never taking chances. Holding back. And, I just fucked it all up. The last thing I wanted was for you to lose your dream.
I like to think that I helped you. I never believed it before, but, after today, seeing you with that wonderful little girl, maybe… just maybe I did. Maybe by destroying life as you knew it I in turn gave you an even better one. I hope that’s true Ryan, because of all things, I never meant to hurt you. Please believe that. Please.
I was watching as the little girl (I wish I knew her name) was running towards you with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on a little girl. She looks like Keltie, but she has your smile. She fell and started to cry. You moved so fast and scooped her up into your arms and held her close.
“Daddy!” she yelled. You just held on even tighter.
“It’s going to be ok. Daddy’s got you now,” you whispered to her.
That was when I knew that I did the right thing by leaving that day. I hope you don’t hate me for it Ryan. I did it for you. I did it for Keltie. I did it for the little girl I didn’t even know about until today.
I dream every day about what life would be like if things had been different. Maybe I would have been at the park with you. Maybe your beautiful little girl would have an Uncle Brendon.
God.
I’m sorry. I will explain everything soon. I swear Ryan. I owe you at least that much. I hope you are willing to listen. I’m so so sorry.
Love,
Brendon
-x-
The Beginning of the End.
May 2, 2008. Artist Green Room, Alfond Arena, Orono, Maine. 11:47 PM.
Brendon had become very good at dealing with life. He thought maybe he should write a book about it one day. “How to live your life without feeling anything.” It had been a long time since he actually felt a real emotion, much less acted on it. It was better this way. He wasn’t sure when he had felt the first dull pangs of pain. Somewhere between New York City and Las Vegas in the summer of 2006 he was sure. It didn’t go past that though, he wouldn’t let it. His life wasn’t going where he wanted it to go anymore. Not in the least bit. But at the same time he wasn’t doing anything to change it. He would rationalize by saying that he was exactly where he wanted to be and with the people he wanted to be with. But that really was nothing more than a rationalization, and he knew it.
Despite his astounding ability to be the incredible non-feeling man without anyone catching on to his act, he had to work much harder when Keltie was around. The pain didn’t increase, that he didn’t allow. But that just meant that he had to work even harder to suppress it. He wished that he hated her. That would make everything easier. But, he didn’t. And couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried. He resented the hell out of her though. She had the only person he had ever wanted, really wanted. He knew he needed to stop thinking this way. It was just self destructive. Not only that, but the more he allowed this sort of thinking the others would begin to notice that Brendon was slowly becoming more and more disconnected from their reality. As of yet, no one knew. He was pretty impressed with himself. Over two years and no one would even guess that something was wrong.
But he did take advantage of skipping out on walking the barricade tonight when Zack offered him the out. It was raining, and no one needed Brendon sick. It was the perfect opportunity to clear his head of the previous day off spent surrounded by Keltie and Ryan. He had to make sure he had everything under control, he would be spending at least the next week with her around. Maybe even longer than that.
It wasn’t working really. He was just thinking about Ryan, and that wasn’t really a good idea, as far as containing emotions was concerned. He should have gone out there, he would have been distracted and that would have cleared his head just fine. He pulled his iPod out and shoved his headphones in his ears. He was going to have to wait this out, which was fine, he could handle it, but he needed to stop himself from thinking. As the music began to play in his head he could feel the pain that was dying to take him over slowly dissipate. It was all going to be ok. After all, this is what Brendon did best.
“Brendon?” The voice was soft and shaky. And highly unrecognizable. Brendon decided he would ignore it. It was probably someone from the venue sent to clean up the mess they expected to be in the room. He had his headphones in his ears, so it would be reasonable that he couldn’t hear. As he listened for retreating footsteps he could hear his breathing pattern change and hoped that whoever was hoping to gain his attention wouldn’t hear it. “Um. Brendon?” it came again. He let out the breath he was holding and slowly turned around.
She was pretty. He should have guessed that from the soft voice. She looked to be around his age, early twenties or so. She had chocolate brown hair, nearly as dark as his, but with soft flicks of a lighter blonde-brown color running through it. Her eyes were also a brown color, but much lighter than her hair, and they were big. She wore make-up, but Brendon only noticed this at a closer look. She was a small girl, but not frighteningly skinny. Her outfit was fairly plain, but in a tasteful way. And she looked terrified.
Brendon smiled. It wasn’t even a fake smile. The fact that she was standing here looking so afraid was somewhat amusing “Hi,” he offered with his smile, hoping to ease whatever fears had her shaking. She gave him a small smile back. It didn’t really help with the frightened look that was plastered on her face.
“I. I, uh,” her voice cracked. She closed her eyes and looked to be trying to regain composure. Maybe she wasn’t staff as he had first expected. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t mean to invade. I’m sorry.” She sounded like she was about to cry.
“Wait,” Brendon let out, ridiculously intrigued at this point. Normally he would just let her leave, but the frightened appearance somehow stopped him. “Why are you here?” He hoped it didn’t sound rude. She stared at him for a few seconds before deciding to stay and answer him.
“Um. I’m a friend of Greta’s. At dinner earlier I had mentioned to her that I had been hoping to meet you. I was walking with Greta after the show, and we saw the other three walking out to greet fans. Since you weren’t with them Greta said that you were most likely still in here and that I should come say hi. She said you wouldn’t mind. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have listened.” She let her gaze fall to the floor and began to bite her fingernails. It was cute.
“Hi. I’m Brendon,” He said as he took a step forward and stretched his hand out toward her. She looked up, startled, and slowly took his hand. Hers was soft, and as he stepped closer he caught her sweet scent.
“Natalie,” She responded, the shake seeming to fade slowly from her voice. “The show was great. You seemed to really be enjoying yourself out there,” She continued. That shouldn’t have been a relief to Brendon, but it was. It was always good to hear that he act was holding up without a problem.
“Thank you. I’m glad you had fun,” Brendon responded. Natalie bit her lip and shifted her feet, looking like she still felt somewhat out of place. Brendon took a step back to the wall and slid down it and wrapped his arms loosely around his knees. He didn’t want to tell her to leave, but he also wasn’t sure if he should actually ask her to stay. This seemed like the best middle ground action there was. Natalie looked at him for a few seconds before slowly stepping beside him and following his action to the floor.
“So, why is it that you wanted to meet me? If you are a friend of Greta’s I’m sure you’ve met your fair share of musicians. What makes me so different?” he asked, hoping that some of her shyness would fade.
“I’m not sure. You interest me, I guess. And, I’ve heard so many random things about you. I don’t know, I guess I figured that there was no real hope of knowing about you until I actually met you.” Natalie replied without hesitation.
“Random things? Like what?”
“Rumors,” she said even faster.
He laughed. “Ah. Rumors. They are the things legends are made of.” She smiled at his nonchalance about the subject. “Would you like me to clear any of those up for you?”
“Maybe.”
“How about we start with an easy question then,” he said. This conversation was starting to sound like they had been friends for decades. “But I will only respond with a simple true or false. No explanations.” She smiled again.
“Ok. Um. You are a vegetarian.”
False. “False.”
“You… You can play anything by ear.”
True. “False.”
“You never had a girlfriend in high school.”
True. “These are just too easy. False.”
“You’re in love with Ryan.”
Tr-False. “Wow, you don’t hold back. False.”
“Ok, I’m out of rumors. Can I ask you a real question?” She asked, seeming to become comfortable sitting here and talking to him.
“Alright. But I maintain the right to refuse to answer,” he said with a sly smile.
“Fair enough,” she started. “Why are you sitting in here all alone while the rest of Panic are out talking to fans? Are you some sort of diva or something?” She seemed to be stifling a laugh.
“Oh. That one is easy. I’m totally a diva.” She let her laugh out at this, which made Brendon smile again. Talking to her like this was actually proving to be fun. And the pain wasn’t even dull, it mostly wasn’t there. Distractions were always good. “It’s just a lot to handle sometimes,” he added as a serious answer to her question.
“That I fully understand,” Natalie smiled. “I’ve sprinted through malls too many times with Greta and the boys to not understand that.” And it was Brendon’s turn to laugh. He heard the door open and looked over, mid-laugh, to see Ryan and Keltie, hands locked of course, walking through the door. Ryan looked ecstatic to have caught him alone with a girl.
“Natalie,” Ryan said. “I see you’ve finally met Brendon. I really hate to steal him from you, but we have to get to the busses and Greta is looking for you.”
“I’ll take you to her,” Keltie said reaching out her hand toward Natalie.
She started to stand up. “It was nice to meet you both. I’ll be with Greta for a while, so maybe I’ll, uh, see you soon?” She asked with a smile.
“Oh you most certainly will, Natalie. You most certainly will,” Ryan answered for them both. Once they were nearly out of the door Keltie looked back to give Brendon a small wink, and then skipped the rest of the way out the door, laughing.
When the girls had left the room Ryan reached down and helped Brendon to his feet, with his smile still as big as ever. As they began to walk to the bus he threw an arm around Brendon. “Would you look at that.”
Brendon could feel the dull throbbing begin again.
-x-
Dear Ryan,
Please don’t blame yourself. I hope that you haven’t done that. None of this is your fault. None of it. It was me, Ryan, not you. Even after you read these letters, you must understand that it is NOT your fault. You’re going to want to blame yourself, because that’s the kind of guy and friend you are. But, Ryan. Don’t.
There was a time when I kept a lot of secrets from you. Or tried to anyway. I thought it would be better that way. I didn’t think it was fair to drag you down with me. You were in the throws of a life you had dreamed about since you were a kid. I understood that. I felt that too, at least at first.
That changed. I changed. Or maybe I just stopped pretending. Music was it for you. That’s what you wanted most in life. At least at that point in your life. I struggled so hard to make that all I wanted, all I needed. But. I couldn’t. There was something else that just kept coming in first. Every time.
I'm not so sure what people expected half of the time. It's my fault, I know, but none the less it left me confused. There were so many people pulling me in so many different directions. It's kind of like when your little brother really wants your attention so he says your name over and over again, knowing that as a fact of human nature you will eventually crack. brendon. brendon. brendon brendon. brendonbrendonbrendonbrendonbrendon. brendonbrendon. It was almost as if I was caught in this emotional tea cup ride. And it was just about as fun as the real ride is. Which is not much at all. So many people. So many questions. So many things to say. So much of everything. And all of it spinning. And it getting faster and faster. And it was a bad idea in the first place. And me getting sick.
None of it, however, coming from the one person I wouldn't mind hearing it come from. There was no brendonbrendonbrendonbrendon coming from that direction. Not in the way I wanted it to. It was completely silent. It wasn’t being drowned out by all of the other noise and pulling that came my way. No. It just wasn’t there. Sometimes I would stand completely still and focus on trying to hear it. I would will it to come. I would close my eyes tight and just wish it will be there. But it didn’t come. So I continued to be called to, and yelled at, and demanded from. I never even bothered to scream no, which maybe I should have. Instead I jumped up and down waving my arms in hopes of coaxing even the slightest glance of acknowledgment from the silent corner. Just so I would know that I wasn’t going unnoticed. But, in reality I was unnoticed. This probably had most to do with the fact that the arm waving and jumping I just claimed to have done is a complete lie. I mean, I wanted to. And I maybe even tried. But, usually, I just stood there. Crippled. And my arms were to busy being pulled to flail anyway. So I went overlooked.
I asked myself what it would take to finally be noticed. But, unfortunately for me, I never found a very good answer to that question. Maybe I just needed to be more vocal. Maybe I needed to tear myself away from everyone who declared that they so desperately needed me. They didn't need me. And I didn't want them to. I wanted to be needed. But. Not by them. It was that silent corner I wish would have needed me. And maybe even did. But just didn't know it. Or maybe that's not even true. They knew. But I looked so occupied. My hands were so full. And the noise was so loud. That brendonbrendonbrendonbrendonbrendonbrend
I’m not even making sense anymore.
I’ve learned a lot since that day, Ryan. So much that maybe I don’t even hate myself for the decision I made. The decision for all of us. But that doesn’t change the fact that I wish I would have had the nerve to take some sort of action. Maybe things would be different. Better. Worse. But at least I could have said I tried. There is only one thing I know for certain. This was never your fault. It was never even that much about you, even though it looked and felt like it was.
That was the hardest lesson to learn. I had. I have no one to blame but myself.
Love,
Brendon
-x-
Maybe there is the point that it can’t hurt any worse than it does right now.
May 17, 2008. Panic Bus, Somewhere between Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio. 3:23 AM
Brendon was standing on the top of a high mountain. He was afraid to walk to the edge, but he didn’t know why. But he wanted to know what was on the other side of the edge, and the only way to find out was to go look. When he finally did start to make his way over all of a sudden he wasn’t in control of his body anymore. He could feel himself starting to run towards the edge. He wanted to stop. But, he couldn’t. Something wouldn’t let him. He was running, and he was almost there, but he couldn’t make himself slow down. He was going to run right off the edge! He closed his eyes in hopes that if he didn’t see that he was running over the edge it wouldn’t be so bad. It didn’t help, he still felt as his foot took a step and had nothing to cling to. He was screaming and falling.
His body slammed hard into something. His eyes shot open and he began gasping for air. He was on the floor next to his bunk. It was just a dream. Brendon gave himself a minute to recuperate and then made his way to the kitchen.
Brendon was tired. Not just because he had woken himself up in the middle of the night with some ridiculous dream. More so because of what the last couple weeks had brought him. He wasn’t sure how long Natalie had originally planned to stay with Greta, but as of yet it looked like she no longer had any intention of leaving. He was probably partly to blame he supposed, but really he didn’t see as if he had much choice. She spent every day with him. It was ok, she was nice. He liked her. She kept him occupied, and she was a good kisser, but he was pretty sure this whole thing was spiraling out of control, and quickly. He was just sitting there lost in thought when Jon came walking in.
“What are you doing awake?” Jon asked
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Ah. So it was you that fell off your bunk. That sounded like it hurt,” Jon said with a laugh that sounded more like a rough cough. Brendon slowly put his head down on top of his hands that were sitting on the counter. He was trying desperately to fall asleep in that moment so that he wouldn’t have to talk to Jon. Or make him leave, that would work too. The problem with Jon, although Brendon loved him to death, was that he was much more perceptive than anyone really wanted him to be. Most of the time Brendon got away with his impassiveness because Jon wasn’t going to sell him out. And Brendon knew that Jon didn’t have any idea what actually was going on, but he sure as hell knew that there was something. And now that they were alone Brendon knew that he was about to have a conversation that he probably didn’t want to have.
“So, all I have been hearing about from Ryan lately is Natalie and Brendon this and Natalie and Brendon that. If I’m not mistaken he may be more excited about her than you are.”
“That sounds about right,” Brendon said into his hands. Jon laughed again. It actually sounded like a laugh this time.
“She’s pretty,” Jon said, hoping to coax some sort of reaction from his friend.
“Yeah, she is,” Brendon replied.
“But not the one you want,” Jon said, not as a question but as a statement.
“No. Not really the one I want,” Brendon agreed. “She’ll have to do for now.” With his face still on top of his hands he could hear Jon start to move about the kitchen. A few minutes later he heard the screeching sound of a plate being push toward him. He looked up into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Jon’s comfort food. He let Brendon take a few bites before he started to tell him what he didn’t want to hear.
“Do you realize what you are doing? Do you like seriously mean to be a jackass, or does it just happen accidentally?” Jon asked, earning a raised eyebrow from Brendon in response. “Brendon, you spend so much time in what you consider to be your little fucked up world that you miss out on what’s going on in the real world. Something’s different with you. That much is obvious. I have no idea what it is. But you meet a girl and subsequently start dating her- for lack of a better term. That in of itself isn’t really a problem. If you liked her. And maybe you do like her. But it just seems like you are going through some sort of motions, some routine. Everyone around you thinks you should like her, so you do. Everyone around you thinks you should date her, so you do. Then I started thinking, and I don’t think that you have done something strictly for yourself in a very long time. You don’t really do anything. You’re here, I suppose, but I’m starting to think it’s only in merely a physical level. It was one thing when it only involved us. But now you are using this poor girl, who likes you. And let me tell you, Brendon, she really likes you.” Brendon swallowed the last bite and felt the throbbing begin to grow stronger. Probably the strongest he had ever felt it. It was fighting to come out. Fighting for Brendon to jump up and admit that he was paralyzed by his love for Ryan. He wasn’t going to let that happen.
Jon stood up. “I’m not saying that you need to drop her. That’s for you to decide. I personally hope you don’t decide that. She’s a good girl. But what I am saying is that you have to do something. Whatever is going on here isn’t really you. You need to find Brendon and bring him back here. We need him. I need him.” Then he was out of the room. And Brendon’s face was back in his hands.
-x-
Or I could end it right now.
August 31, 2008. A Hotel, Auckland, New Zealand. 12:01 AM
Brendon was sitting alone in the hotel room he was sharing with Ryan. He was off somewhere on the phone with Keltie. Brendon rolled over to look at the clock and figured he better call Natalie. He didn’t want to upset her by forgetting to call. He grabbed his phone from the table and dialed her number. She was excited to hear from him, and even more excited that he would be flying back home in two days. He let her talk and added the appropriate responses when necessary. She was busy suggesting that he move in with Jon when they got back to the states so that he would be nearer to her for the two month break they had when Ryan walked back through the door. He let her finish explaining how wonderful it would be for him to meet his family and friends and then quickly ended the phone call with an ‘I’ll think about it baby.’
“I just don’t understand you.”
Brendon looked up at him, and out of all the things Ryan could say, this he wasn’t really expecting to hear nor really understood. He hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary he didn’t think. He was expected to call Natalie.
“Are you just going to ignore me?” Ryan asked exasperation clearly present in his voice. Brendon let out a soft sigh.
“What don’t you understand Ryan?” Brendon asked.
“You call her nearly everyday. I think it was only one day you missed, the day you were sick. You have a pleasant conversation with her, and then you end it, right when it hits the thirty minute mark. Yet you never talk about her outside of that. And you never call her more than once. We would understand if you expressed that you missed your girlfriend Brendon, we all miss ours too. But… you just don’t seem to.” The calmness Ryan kept in his voice was almost unsettling.
“She’s not my girlfriend Ryan.” Brendon said, hoping that Ryan wouldn’t push it any further.
“That’s also slightly confusing. Because, yes you say things like that. But you sure as hell don’t act like it. This isn’t some casual thing. You’re not hanging out with multiple girls. It seems pretty exclusive to me. Keltie says that she’s really into you Brendon, and really wants to just be with you. Why are you pretending that’s not where this is heading?” Ryan asked, obviously not willing to drop it.
Brendon sat there for a moment and for some reason with everything Ryan was trying to explain something inside of him changed. He could feel the pain he always seemed to stifle down jump straight to the surface. Maybe he needed to do something. No, no. What he needed to do was control his fucking emotions. Why the hell were they affecting him right now. In front of all the multitudes of people he could lose control in front of, why the hell was it Ryan. Obviously the situation was not as under control as he hoped it was. At that moment he wanted to do nothing more than jump up and down and scream ‘She’s not you Ryan! And without you I will never be happy!’ But he didn’t.
“I don’t know what to do.” Brendon said, the statement not meaning the same to him as it meant to Ryan.
“What?”
“She’s nice Ryan. I like her, but she’s never going to be my girlfriend.”
Ryan let out a sigh, this was clearly not the response he had been hoping for. He was probably aiming to spur some great epiphany in Brendon causing him to call Natalie right there and confess his undying and unyielding love and commitment. That was just never going to happen. Ryan walked over and sat down on the bed that Brendon was lying on. “What’s wrong with you Brendon? And don’t tell me nothing, we both know that’s not true.” Ryan was searching his face for any sort of indication as to what the problem really was. Brendon kept his mouth shut. At this point in time he didn’t trust himself to speak. Besides that, if he opened his mouth right now he might vomit. Pain was echoing through his body, completely out of his control. Ryan sat there for a few moments hoping that Brendon was just trying to collect his thoughts. When it was apparent that he wasn’t planning on answering Ryan continued.
“I didn’t notice it before, and that’s my fault, I should have been paying more attention. But, Brendon, I have noticed it since we’ve been over here, in whatever the fuck country we are in now. You are here, you are laughing. You talk to us, you seem to enjoy yourself. But, really, you’ve become some shell of the real Brendon. You act like he should, but you aren’t really him. It’s like we are pulling you through life behind us. You’ve shut down. You do nothing more than go through the motions.”
It was a good thing that Brendon was lying down because he could feel his breathing begin to rapidly increase and his heartbeat move at an extremely abnormal rate. He had lost it. Everything he had worked to contain in the past two years was now spilling out. Ryan was right, he had been a shell, but at this moment every emotion, every hurt, everything he had been stifling was now present, and didn’t seem like it was going to leave any time soon.
“Have you ever wanted something so badly that you thought you might die if you had to live without it? The pain of not being able to call it yours was one thing, but the thought of having to live without it, yours or not, was just too much to bear,” Brendon said without really thinking. Ryan looked confused.
“You have it all Brendon. This is all you ever wanted. This is what we worked so hard to achieve. You get to get up on stage nearly every night and show people that you have what you love Brendon. And you have Spence. And Jon. And me”
Brendon finally looked up at Ryan. It was too much. He didn’t have Ryan. No, Keltie had Ryan. He had Natalie, and he didn’t want her! “No. I don’t have you.” Ryan started to protest, still not understanding and then his eyes seemed to double in size as he realized what Brendon actually meant. They sat there, silent, staring at each other. Brendon wasn’t sure what he had expected to happen with his confession. Brendon didn’t even know that he really had that sort of confession to make. He had fooled himself almost as completely as he had fooled everyone else. He hoped that when it came out of his mouth the pain would flow right out with it. But he could still feel it there, as strong as ever. What he didn’t expect was the swift movement as Ryan lowered his face to his and their lips met. As suddenly as it began it was over. Brendon didn’t even really get a chance to process what was happening, much less enjoy it before Ryan’s face was springing back from his.
“That was a mistake,” Ryan said.
Brendon was out of the door before Ryan had a chance to say anything else. Red hot tears were stinging his face. He lifted his hand slowly to his face to feel them as his feet sprinted forward beneath him. He had been able to manage to hold tears in all these years, but they were freely falling now. He made it out into the cool night air and kept running, not daring to look behind himself even once. It was a mistake, Brendon could feel that now. Everything was a mistake. Allowing himself to fall for his best friend. Telling him. Actually believing that it would matter. He was a mistake.
He couldn’t go back there. Not now. Not after this. Brendon could feel that he wasn’t going through the motions anymore, and he could never go back to that. He couldn’t repress himself, not after that. For a brief moment he thought that maybe he should give Ryan a chance to figure out what he meant in that moment, and then the chance to explain. Brendon quickly took a glance behind himself, still running.
No one was there.
And then Brendon was gone.
Forever.
-x-
Dear Ryan,
You were right. It wasn’t me you had been spending all your time with. I don’t know how I managed to live the way I was. Everything was a calculated and controlled move. I had myself convinced that I couldn’t feel what I was feeling or act the way I wanted to, so instead I became a fake representation of myself.
I don’t even remember much of those two years. I remember so vividly everything before I realized how I felt about you. But after that I don’t really remember much. I was never really there.
That’s why none of this is your fault Ryan. I became paralyzed in myself and in you, or what I forced you to become for me.
I wanted so desperately for you to have followed me that night. I’m glad you didn’t. It finally forced me to see everything as it really was. It forced me to actually FEEL.
I left for you. I left because I had destroyed what you worked so hard to build and maintain. I left because you had a girlfriend that you loved. I left because, if I didn’t, it would have killed us both.
This isn’t how I wanted my life to end up. But this is what needed to happen. I couldn’t live the way I was anymore. I couldn’t allow myself to die that way either.
I hope you are happy now Ryan. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
Love,
Brendon
Dear Ryan,
I’m sorry.
This is the fourteenth time I have started this letter. We will see if this ends up being the final draft. I started out by trying to explain everything. But that was too hard, and I just don’t know what to say. I know what I want to say. I know what I want you to think. But nothing seems to get my point across. I want you to know that this isn’t what I wanted to happen. This isn’t what I wanted to become. But it all sounds like excuses. That’s not what I want to give you. You don’t need my excuses.
You need to know that I am sorry. Or maybe that’s what I need you to know. But I am Ryan. Even for the things I couldn’t control. I’m so so sorry.
It’s been a long time, I know. I don’t even know if you will open this letter, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I know what you are expecting me to say. But, I just can’t talk about that right now. Despite the amount of time that has passed, I’m just not ready to face that reality. But, please know that it isn’t what it seems. God, Ryan, I hope that you believe me. But, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.
Let me try again. I don’t want to start everything over again. So, let’s just consider this a retry.
I saw you today. After 7 years and 132 days I saw you for the first time. And you were with Keltie. (See, I dropped the attitude. This paragraph is better already.) When I got up this morning I decided to go to the park. The park that we used to go to. Do you remember it? Of course you do, you were there today. That’s not what I meant. Do you remember when we used to go there? It was a safe haven of sorts. Or, that’s how I felt anyway. I think you felt it too. We had the best conversations there. It might have been because of the pot, but I’d like to think it was the atmosphere. You are probably wondering why I am in Vegas and you haven’t seen me. I’ll get to that later.
Anyway. I was at the park. Thinking about how I wish things could have been different. I think about that a lot, you know. Sometimes I close my eyes in hopes that if I concentrate hard enough I will be suddenly shoved back in time. And then I could fix it. But that never happens. I’m rambling. I was never the one who was good with words.
So, when I opened my eyes after wishing I could go back to when things were all ok, I saw you standing there. Your back was to me. And Keltie was there. And the cutest little girl was standing in between you grasping tightly to your and Keltie’s hands. She looked about four. I could only see that back of you, but I knew that you were happy. I am slowly dying on the inside. But you are happy, and God, that’s all I ever wanted anyway.
I wish I could explain everything. I can’t. But I want you to know that I am sorry. I’m a fuck up. It’s how I’ve always been. I didn’t mean for it to happen, Ryan, I swear I didn’t. I spent so much time wasting my life away. Sitting on the side lines, watching it happen. Never taking chances. Holding back. And, I just fucked it all up. The last thing I wanted was for you to lose your dream.
I like to think that I helped you. I never believed it before, but, after today, seeing you with that wonderful little girl, maybe… just maybe I did. Maybe by destroying life as you knew it I in turn gave you an even better one. I hope that’s true Ryan, because of all things, I never meant to hurt you. Please believe that. Please.
I was watching as the little girl (I wish I knew her name) was running towards you with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on a little girl. She looks like Keltie, but she has your smile. She fell and started to cry. You moved so fast and scooped her up into your arms and held her close.
“Daddy!” she yelled. You just held on even tighter.
“It’s going to be ok. Daddy’s got you now,” you whispered to her.
That was when I knew that I did the right thing by leaving that day. I hope you don’t hate me for it Ryan. I did it for you. I did it for Keltie. I did it for the little girl I didn’t even know about until today.
I dream every day about what life would be like if things had been different. Maybe I would have been at the park with you. Maybe your beautiful little girl would have an Uncle Brendon.
God.
I’m sorry. I will explain everything soon. I swear Ryan. I owe you at least that much. I hope you are willing to listen. I’m so so sorry.
Love,
Brendon
The Beginning of the End.
May 2, 2008. Artist Green Room, Alfond Arena, Orono, Maine. 11:47 PM.
Brendon had become very good at dealing with life. He thought maybe he should write a book about it one day. “How to live your life without feeling anything.” It had been a long time since he actually felt a real emotion, much less acted on it. It was better this way. He wasn’t sure when he had felt the first dull pangs of pain. Somewhere between New York City and Las Vegas in the summer of 2006 he was sure. It didn’t go past that though, he wouldn’t let it. His life wasn’t going where he wanted it to go anymore. Not in the least bit. But at the same time he wasn’t doing anything to change it. He would rationalize by saying that he was exactly where he wanted to be and with the people he wanted to be with. But that really was nothing more than a rationalization, and he knew it.
Despite his astounding ability to be the incredible non-feeling man without anyone catching on to his act, he had to work much harder when Keltie was around. The pain didn’t increase, that he didn’t allow. But that just meant that he had to work even harder to suppress it. He wished that he hated her. That would make everything easier. But, he didn’t. And couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried. He resented the hell out of her though. She had the only person he had ever wanted, really wanted. He knew he needed to stop thinking this way. It was just self destructive. Not only that, but the more he allowed this sort of thinking the others would begin to notice that Brendon was slowly becoming more and more disconnected from their reality. As of yet, no one knew. He was pretty impressed with himself. Over two years and no one would even guess that something was wrong.
But he did take advantage of skipping out on walking the barricade tonight when Zack offered him the out. It was raining, and no one needed Brendon sick. It was the perfect opportunity to clear his head of the previous day off spent surrounded by Keltie and Ryan. He had to make sure he had everything under control, he would be spending at least the next week with her around. Maybe even longer than that.
It wasn’t working really. He was just thinking about Ryan, and that wasn’t really a good idea, as far as containing emotions was concerned. He should have gone out there, he would have been distracted and that would have cleared his head just fine. He pulled his iPod out and shoved his headphones in his ears. He was going to have to wait this out, which was fine, he could handle it, but he needed to stop himself from thinking. As the music began to play in his head he could feel the pain that was dying to take him over slowly dissipate. It was all going to be ok. After all, this is what Brendon did best.
“Brendon?” The voice was soft and shaky. And highly unrecognizable. Brendon decided he would ignore it. It was probably someone from the venue sent to clean up the mess they expected to be in the room. He had his headphones in his ears, so it would be reasonable that he couldn’t hear. As he listened for retreating footsteps he could hear his breathing pattern change and hoped that whoever was hoping to gain his attention wouldn’t hear it. “Um. Brendon?” it came again. He let out the breath he was holding and slowly turned around.
She was pretty. He should have guessed that from the soft voice. She looked to be around his age, early twenties or so. She had chocolate brown hair, nearly as dark as his, but with soft flicks of a lighter blonde-brown color running through it. Her eyes were also a brown color, but much lighter than her hair, and they were big. She wore make-up, but Brendon only noticed this at a closer look. She was a small girl, but not frighteningly skinny. Her outfit was fairly plain, but in a tasteful way. And she looked terrified.
Brendon smiled. It wasn’t even a fake smile. The fact that she was standing here looking so afraid was somewhat amusing “Hi,” he offered with his smile, hoping to ease whatever fears had her shaking. She gave him a small smile back. It didn’t really help with the frightened look that was plastered on her face.
“I. I, uh,” her voice cracked. She closed her eyes and looked to be trying to regain composure. Maybe she wasn’t staff as he had first expected. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t mean to invade. I’m sorry.” She sounded like she was about to cry.
“Wait,” Brendon let out, ridiculously intrigued at this point. Normally he would just let her leave, but the frightened appearance somehow stopped him. “Why are you here?” He hoped it didn’t sound rude. She stared at him for a few seconds before deciding to stay and answer him.
“Um. I’m a friend of Greta’s. At dinner earlier I had mentioned to her that I had been hoping to meet you. I was walking with Greta after the show, and we saw the other three walking out to greet fans. Since you weren’t with them Greta said that you were most likely still in here and that I should come say hi. She said you wouldn’t mind. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have listened.” She let her gaze fall to the floor and began to bite her fingernails. It was cute.
“Hi. I’m Brendon,” He said as he took a step forward and stretched his hand out toward her. She looked up, startled, and slowly took his hand. Hers was soft, and as he stepped closer he caught her sweet scent.
“Natalie,” She responded, the shake seeming to fade slowly from her voice. “The show was great. You seemed to really be enjoying yourself out there,” She continued. That shouldn’t have been a relief to Brendon, but it was. It was always good to hear that he act was holding up without a problem.
“Thank you. I’m glad you had fun,” Brendon responded. Natalie bit her lip and shifted her feet, looking like she still felt somewhat out of place. Brendon took a step back to the wall and slid down it and wrapped his arms loosely around his knees. He didn’t want to tell her to leave, but he also wasn’t sure if he should actually ask her to stay. This seemed like the best middle ground action there was. Natalie looked at him for a few seconds before slowly stepping beside him and following his action to the floor.
“So, why is it that you wanted to meet me? If you are a friend of Greta’s I’m sure you’ve met your fair share of musicians. What makes me so different?” he asked, hoping that some of her shyness would fade.
“I’m not sure. You interest me, I guess. And, I’ve heard so many random things about you. I don’t know, I guess I figured that there was no real hope of knowing about you until I actually met you.” Natalie replied without hesitation.
“Random things? Like what?”
“Rumors,” she said even faster.
He laughed. “Ah. Rumors. They are the things legends are made of.” She smiled at his nonchalance about the subject. “Would you like me to clear any of those up for you?”
“Maybe.”
“How about we start with an easy question then,” he said. This conversation was starting to sound like they had been friends for decades. “But I will only respond with a simple true or false. No explanations.” She smiled again.
“Ok. Um. You are a vegetarian.”
False. “False.”
“You… You can play anything by ear.”
True. “False.”
“You never had a girlfriend in high school.”
True. “These are just too easy. False.”
“You’re in love with Ryan.”
Tr-False. “Wow, you don’t hold back. False.”
“Ok, I’m out of rumors. Can I ask you a real question?” She asked, seeming to become comfortable sitting here and talking to him.
“Alright. But I maintain the right to refuse to answer,” he said with a sly smile.
“Fair enough,” she started. “Why are you sitting in here all alone while the rest of Panic are out talking to fans? Are you some sort of diva or something?” She seemed to be stifling a laugh.
“Oh. That one is easy. I’m totally a diva.” She let her laugh out at this, which made Brendon smile again. Talking to her like this was actually proving to be fun. And the pain wasn’t even dull, it mostly wasn’t there. Distractions were always good. “It’s just a lot to handle sometimes,” he added as a serious answer to her question.
“That I fully understand,” Natalie smiled. “I’ve sprinted through malls too many times with Greta and the boys to not understand that.” And it was Brendon’s turn to laugh. He heard the door open and looked over, mid-laugh, to see Ryan and Keltie, hands locked of course, walking through the door. Ryan looked ecstatic to have caught him alone with a girl.
“Natalie,” Ryan said. “I see you’ve finally met Brendon. I really hate to steal him from you, but we have to get to the busses and Greta is looking for you.”
“I’ll take you to her,” Keltie said reaching out her hand toward Natalie.
She started to stand up. “It was nice to meet you both. I’ll be with Greta for a while, so maybe I’ll, uh, see you soon?” She asked with a smile.
“Oh you most certainly will, Natalie. You most certainly will,” Ryan answered for them both. Once they were nearly out of the door Keltie looked back to give Brendon a small wink, and then skipped the rest of the way out the door, laughing.
When the girls had left the room Ryan reached down and helped Brendon to his feet, with his smile still as big as ever. As they began to walk to the bus he threw an arm around Brendon. “Would you look at that.”
Brendon could feel the dull throbbing begin again.
Dear Ryan,
Please don’t blame yourself. I hope that you haven’t done that. None of this is your fault. None of it. It was me, Ryan, not you. Even after you read these letters, you must understand that it is NOT your fault. You’re going to want to blame yourself, because that’s the kind of guy and friend you are. But, Ryan. Don’t.
There was a time when I kept a lot of secrets from you. Or tried to anyway. I thought it would be better that way. I didn’t think it was fair to drag you down with me. You were in the throws of a life you had dreamed about since you were a kid. I understood that. I felt that too, at least at first.
That changed. I changed. Or maybe I just stopped pretending. Music was it for you. That’s what you wanted most in life. At least at that point in your life. I struggled so hard to make that all I wanted, all I needed. But. I couldn’t. There was something else that just kept coming in first. Every time.
I'm not so sure what people expected half of the time. It's my fault, I know, but none the less it left me confused. There were so many people pulling me in so many different directions. It's kind of like when your little brother really wants your attention so he says your name over and over again, knowing that as a fact of human nature you will eventually crack. brendon. brendon. brendon brendon. brendonbrendonbrendonbrendonbrendon. brendonbrendon. It was almost as if I was caught in this emotional tea cup ride. And it was just about as fun as the real ride is. Which is not much at all. So many people. So many questions. So many things to say. So much of everything. And all of it spinning. And it getting faster and faster. And it was a bad idea in the first place. And me getting sick.
None of it, however, coming from the one person I wouldn't mind hearing it come from. There was no brendonbrendonbrendonbrendon coming from that direction. Not in the way I wanted it to. It was completely silent. It wasn’t being drowned out by all of the other noise and pulling that came my way. No. It just wasn’t there. Sometimes I would stand completely still and focus on trying to hear it. I would will it to come. I would close my eyes tight and just wish it will be there. But it didn’t come. So I continued to be called to, and yelled at, and demanded from. I never even bothered to scream no, which maybe I should have. Instead I jumped up and down waving my arms in hopes of coaxing even the slightest glance of acknowledgment from the silent corner. Just so I would know that I wasn’t going unnoticed. But, in reality I was unnoticed. This probably had most to do with the fact that the arm waving and jumping I just claimed to have done is a complete lie. I mean, I wanted to. And I maybe even tried. But, usually, I just stood there. Crippled. And my arms were to busy being pulled to flail anyway. So I went overlooked.
I asked myself what it would take to finally be noticed. But, unfortunately for me, I never found a very good answer to that question. Maybe I just needed to be more vocal. Maybe I needed to tear myself away from everyone who declared that they so desperately needed me. They didn't need me. And I didn't want them to. I wanted to be needed. But. Not by them. It was that silent corner I wish would have needed me. And maybe even did. But just didn't know it. Or maybe that's not even true. They knew. But I looked so occupied. My hands were so full. And the noise was so loud. That brendonbrendonbrendonbrendonbrendonbrend
I’m not even making sense anymore.
I’ve learned a lot since that day, Ryan. So much that maybe I don’t even hate myself for the decision I made. The decision for all of us. But that doesn’t change the fact that I wish I would have had the nerve to take some sort of action. Maybe things would be different. Better. Worse. But at least I could have said I tried. There is only one thing I know for certain. This was never your fault. It was never even that much about you, even though it looked and felt like it was.
That was the hardest lesson to learn. I had. I have no one to blame but myself.
Love,
Brendon
Maybe there is the point that it can’t hurt any worse than it does right now.
May 17, 2008. Panic Bus, Somewhere between Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio. 3:23 AM
Brendon was standing on the top of a high mountain. He was afraid to walk to the edge, but he didn’t know why. But he wanted to know what was on the other side of the edge, and the only way to find out was to go look. When he finally did start to make his way over all of a sudden he wasn’t in control of his body anymore. He could feel himself starting to run towards the edge. He wanted to stop. But, he couldn’t. Something wouldn’t let him. He was running, and he was almost there, but he couldn’t make himself slow down. He was going to run right off the edge! He closed his eyes in hopes that if he didn’t see that he was running over the edge it wouldn’t be so bad. It didn’t help, he still felt as his foot took a step and had nothing to cling to. He was screaming and falling.
His body slammed hard into something. His eyes shot open and he began gasping for air. He was on the floor next to his bunk. It was just a dream. Brendon gave himself a minute to recuperate and then made his way to the kitchen.
Brendon was tired. Not just because he had woken himself up in the middle of the night with some ridiculous dream. More so because of what the last couple weeks had brought him. He wasn’t sure how long Natalie had originally planned to stay with Greta, but as of yet it looked like she no longer had any intention of leaving. He was probably partly to blame he supposed, but really he didn’t see as if he had much choice. She spent every day with him. It was ok, she was nice. He liked her. She kept him occupied, and she was a good kisser, but he was pretty sure this whole thing was spiraling out of control, and quickly. He was just sitting there lost in thought when Jon came walking in.
“What are you doing awake?” Jon asked
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Ah. So it was you that fell off your bunk. That sounded like it hurt,” Jon said with a laugh that sounded more like a rough cough. Brendon slowly put his head down on top of his hands that were sitting on the counter. He was trying desperately to fall asleep in that moment so that he wouldn’t have to talk to Jon. Or make him leave, that would work too. The problem with Jon, although Brendon loved him to death, was that he was much more perceptive than anyone really wanted him to be. Most of the time Brendon got away with his impassiveness because Jon wasn’t going to sell him out. And Brendon knew that Jon didn’t have any idea what actually was going on, but he sure as hell knew that there was something. And now that they were alone Brendon knew that he was about to have a conversation that he probably didn’t want to have.
“So, all I have been hearing about from Ryan lately is Natalie and Brendon this and Natalie and Brendon that. If I’m not mistaken he may be more excited about her than you are.”
“That sounds about right,” Brendon said into his hands. Jon laughed again. It actually sounded like a laugh this time.
“She’s pretty,” Jon said, hoping to coax some sort of reaction from his friend.
“Yeah, she is,” Brendon replied.
“But not the one you want,” Jon said, not as a question but as a statement.
“No. Not really the one I want,” Brendon agreed. “She’ll have to do for now.” With his face still on top of his hands he could hear Jon start to move about the kitchen. A few minutes later he heard the screeching sound of a plate being push toward him. He looked up into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Jon’s comfort food. He let Brendon take a few bites before he started to tell him what he didn’t want to hear.
“Do you realize what you are doing? Do you like seriously mean to be a jackass, or does it just happen accidentally?” Jon asked, earning a raised eyebrow from Brendon in response. “Brendon, you spend so much time in what you consider to be your little fucked up world that you miss out on what’s going on in the real world. Something’s different with you. That much is obvious. I have no idea what it is. But you meet a girl and subsequently start dating her- for lack of a better term. That in of itself isn’t really a problem. If you liked her. And maybe you do like her. But it just seems like you are going through some sort of motions, some routine. Everyone around you thinks you should like her, so you do. Everyone around you thinks you should date her, so you do. Then I started thinking, and I don’t think that you have done something strictly for yourself in a very long time. You don’t really do anything. You’re here, I suppose, but I’m starting to think it’s only in merely a physical level. It was one thing when it only involved us. But now you are using this poor girl, who likes you. And let me tell you, Brendon, she really likes you.” Brendon swallowed the last bite and felt the throbbing begin to grow stronger. Probably the strongest he had ever felt it. It was fighting to come out. Fighting for Brendon to jump up and admit that he was paralyzed by his love for Ryan. He wasn’t going to let that happen.
Jon stood up. “I’m not saying that you need to drop her. That’s for you to decide. I personally hope you don’t decide that. She’s a good girl. But what I am saying is that you have to do something. Whatever is going on here isn’t really you. You need to find Brendon and bring him back here. We need him. I need him.” Then he was out of the room. And Brendon’s face was back in his hands.
Or I could end it right now.
August 31, 2008. A Hotel, Auckland, New Zealand. 12:01 AM
Brendon was sitting alone in the hotel room he was sharing with Ryan. He was off somewhere on the phone with Keltie. Brendon rolled over to look at the clock and figured he better call Natalie. He didn’t want to upset her by forgetting to call. He grabbed his phone from the table and dialed her number. She was excited to hear from him, and even more excited that he would be flying back home in two days. He let her talk and added the appropriate responses when necessary. She was busy suggesting that he move in with Jon when they got back to the states so that he would be nearer to her for the two month break they had when Ryan walked back through the door. He let her finish explaining how wonderful it would be for him to meet his family and friends and then quickly ended the phone call with an ‘I’ll think about it baby.’
“I just don’t understand you.”
Brendon looked up at him, and out of all the things Ryan could say, this he wasn’t really expecting to hear nor really understood. He hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary he didn’t think. He was expected to call Natalie.
“Are you just going to ignore me?” Ryan asked exasperation clearly present in his voice. Brendon let out a soft sigh.
“What don’t you understand Ryan?” Brendon asked.
“You call her nearly everyday. I think it was only one day you missed, the day you were sick. You have a pleasant conversation with her, and then you end it, right when it hits the thirty minute mark. Yet you never talk about her outside of that. And you never call her more than once. We would understand if you expressed that you missed your girlfriend Brendon, we all miss ours too. But… you just don’t seem to.” The calmness Ryan kept in his voice was almost unsettling.
“She’s not my girlfriend Ryan.” Brendon said, hoping that Ryan wouldn’t push it any further.
“That’s also slightly confusing. Because, yes you say things like that. But you sure as hell don’t act like it. This isn’t some casual thing. You’re not hanging out with multiple girls. It seems pretty exclusive to me. Keltie says that she’s really into you Brendon, and really wants to just be with you. Why are you pretending that’s not where this is heading?” Ryan asked, obviously not willing to drop it.
Brendon sat there for a moment and for some reason with everything Ryan was trying to explain something inside of him changed. He could feel the pain he always seemed to stifle down jump straight to the surface. Maybe he needed to do something. No, no. What he needed to do was control his fucking emotions. Why the hell were they affecting him right now. In front of all the multitudes of people he could lose control in front of, why the hell was it Ryan. Obviously the situation was not as under control as he hoped it was. At that moment he wanted to do nothing more than jump up and down and scream ‘She’s not you Ryan! And without you I will never be happy!’ But he didn’t.
“I don’t know what to do.” Brendon said, the statement not meaning the same to him as it meant to Ryan.
“What?”
“She’s nice Ryan. I like her, but she’s never going to be my girlfriend.”
Ryan let out a sigh, this was clearly not the response he had been hoping for. He was probably aiming to spur some great epiphany in Brendon causing him to call Natalie right there and confess his undying and unyielding love and commitment. That was just never going to happen. Ryan walked over and sat down on the bed that Brendon was lying on. “What’s wrong with you Brendon? And don’t tell me nothing, we both know that’s not true.” Ryan was searching his face for any sort of indication as to what the problem really was. Brendon kept his mouth shut. At this point in time he didn’t trust himself to speak. Besides that, if he opened his mouth right now he might vomit. Pain was echoing through his body, completely out of his control. Ryan sat there for a few moments hoping that Brendon was just trying to collect his thoughts. When it was apparent that he wasn’t planning on answering Ryan continued.
“I didn’t notice it before, and that’s my fault, I should have been paying more attention. But, Brendon, I have noticed it since we’ve been over here, in whatever the fuck country we are in now. You are here, you are laughing. You talk to us, you seem to enjoy yourself. But, really, you’ve become some shell of the real Brendon. You act like he should, but you aren’t really him. It’s like we are pulling you through life behind us. You’ve shut down. You do nothing more than go through the motions.”
It was a good thing that Brendon was lying down because he could feel his breathing begin to rapidly increase and his heartbeat move at an extremely abnormal rate. He had lost it. Everything he had worked to contain in the past two years was now spilling out. Ryan was right, he had been a shell, but at this moment every emotion, every hurt, everything he had been stifling was now present, and didn’t seem like it was going to leave any time soon.
“Have you ever wanted something so badly that you thought you might die if you had to live without it? The pain of not being able to call it yours was one thing, but the thought of having to live without it, yours or not, was just too much to bear,” Brendon said without really thinking. Ryan looked confused.
“You have it all Brendon. This is all you ever wanted. This is what we worked so hard to achieve. You get to get up on stage nearly every night and show people that you have what you love Brendon. And you have Spence. And Jon. And me”
Brendon finally looked up at Ryan. It was too much. He didn’t have Ryan. No, Keltie had Ryan. He had Natalie, and he didn’t want her! “No. I don’t have you.” Ryan started to protest, still not understanding and then his eyes seemed to double in size as he realized what Brendon actually meant. They sat there, silent, staring at each other. Brendon wasn’t sure what he had expected to happen with his confession. Brendon didn’t even know that he really had that sort of confession to make. He had fooled himself almost as completely as he had fooled everyone else. He hoped that when it came out of his mouth the pain would flow right out with it. But he could still feel it there, as strong as ever. What he didn’t expect was the swift movement as Ryan lowered his face to his and their lips met. As suddenly as it began it was over. Brendon didn’t even really get a chance to process what was happening, much less enjoy it before Ryan’s face was springing back from his.
“That was a mistake,” Ryan said.
Brendon was out of the door before Ryan had a chance to say anything else. Red hot tears were stinging his face. He lifted his hand slowly to his face to feel them as his feet sprinted forward beneath him. He had been able to manage to hold tears in all these years, but they were freely falling now. He made it out into the cool night air and kept running, not daring to look behind himself even once. It was a mistake, Brendon could feel that now. Everything was a mistake. Allowing himself to fall for his best friend. Telling him. Actually believing that it would matter. He was a mistake.
He couldn’t go back there. Not now. Not after this. Brendon could feel that he wasn’t going through the motions anymore, and he could never go back to that. He couldn’t repress himself, not after that. For a brief moment he thought that maybe he should give Ryan a chance to figure out what he meant in that moment, and then the chance to explain. Brendon quickly took a glance behind himself, still running.
No one was there.
And then Brendon was gone.
Forever.
Dear Ryan,
You were right. It wasn’t me you had been spending all your time with. I don’t know how I managed to live the way I was. Everything was a calculated and controlled move. I had myself convinced that I couldn’t feel what I was feeling or act the way I wanted to, so instead I became a fake representation of myself.
I don’t even remember much of those two years. I remember so vividly everything before I realized how I felt about you. But after that I don’t really remember much. I was never really there.
That’s why none of this is your fault Ryan. I became paralyzed in myself and in you, or what I forced you to become for me.
I wanted so desperately for you to have followed me that night. I’m glad you didn’t. It finally forced me to see everything as it really was. It forced me to actually FEEL.
I left for you. I left because I had destroyed what you worked so hard to build and maintain. I left because you had a girlfriend that you loved. I left because, if I didn’t, it would have killed us both.
This isn’t how I wanted my life to end up. But this is what needed to happen. I couldn’t live the way I was anymore. I couldn’t allow myself to die that way either.
I hope you are happy now Ryan. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
Love,
Brendon
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