Team Jon: All is Fair in Love and War [3/7]
The Strip



* * *

When Brendon finally pulled himself together and left Ryan’s dressing room, it was already time for the read-through and he ran to the conference room. The rest of the cast was already there and there were only two empty seats: one next to Keltie and one next to Ryan. Of course. Brendon hesitated, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sit next to Ryan for an entire read-through, not when his eyes still held that same sadness.

“Sorry I’m late,” he muttered half-heartedly over his shoulder as he made his way to sit between Keltie and Greta.

At least when he sat down, Keltie gave him a small smile that calmed him a little bit. Apparently, she had gotten over Saturday night’s not-a-date-but-definitely-a-date dinner and moved on, and for that, Brendon was relieved.

Just when he was beginning to feel good about picking the right seat, he looked up from the script that was placed in front of him to find himself eye-to-eye with Ryan. He quickly darted his line of vision away from Ryan, but it didn’t stop the dull ache in his chest from gnawing harder at his insides.

“Okay,” Shane said, looking around the table. “I was thinking that we could just do a straight run-through of the entire script. No questions the first time through, you know the drill by now. We’ll take a break after we’re done with the read-through and the producers will talk to you all about something, and then we’ll really get down to business. Marking and all that shit later.” He laughed. “I don’t know why I even fucking bother to go through this all every week. You guys know what you’re doing. So I’m just gonna shut up and let you guys get to it.”

Brendon had scanned the script briefly before his meeting with Keltie, but he had only concentrated on their scene together. He hadn’t read through the whole thing, and even though he had stayed home all of Sunday, he hadn’t had the energy to pick up the script, much less read through it and start to memorize lines.

He flipped the script open to the first page, scanning the contents quickly, and was relieved to see that his character wasn’t on the first page. Or the next ten. In fact, it seemed that Kyle had only two main scenes this week. The big talk with Keltie and, of course, the detention scene with Ryan. Right. Great. Perfect.

Allowing himself to zone out as Greta and Keltie read through their lines across him, Brendon couldn’t help but peek over at Ryan. His hair was hanging low as he ducked his head down, eyes firmly planted to the script, and though Brendon figured that he stared at him for about five minutes, Ryan never looked up, not even when it was time for his and Brendon’s scene.

“As if detention isn’t bad enough,” Ryan read straight through, not bothering to try and get into character or emphasize his lines, “I have to spend it with you.”

Brendon sighed. He didn’t really feel like doing this either, but he plowed through. “It’s your fault that we’re here,” he said. “You just can’t let things lie, Ryan.” His stomach flopped and he quickly corrected himself by saying “Dan,” but it was too late and Ryan had already looked up, pulled out of whatever stupor he was stuck in and his eyes flashed.

“Grow up,” Ryan said, his words echoing his earlier sentiments and his voice was no longer flat, but full of meaning.

Brendon tore his eyes away from Ryan’s and looked down at his script at his next line. He swallowed hard and was careful to curb the edge in his voice, let Ryan know that he didn’t mean it. “God, I hate you.”

Ryan didn’t even look down as he batted back, “Well, I don’t exactly love you either,” and Brendon shook his head because it was all wrong. All wrong, and Ryan’s words were lies. It didn’t matter to Brendon anymore that it was Dan, not Ryan speaking, because every syllable out of Ryan’s mouth was like a crushing blow.

He wanted to scream, call Ryan out and yell, “Yes, you do, I know you do” for the whole conference room to hear, but when he looked around at all the people at the table, he swallowed his words and only said what was written down for him.

“I guess it doesn’t matter. It looks like we’re going to be stuck with each other for a long time.”

After that line, Ryan’s eyes slipped back down to his own script and Brendon likewise shut down, reading through his lines but not really absorbing anything. His scene with Ryan was done before he knew it, then his scene with Keltie, and Shane was clapping his hands.

“That was great,” he said. “Let me just go outside and find the producers and we’ll have a quick meeting then.”

Shane rounded the table but stopped by Brendon, leaning down to ask, “You okay, Bren?” His eyes darted over to where Ryan was sitting across the table, eyes still staring hard at the script. Brendon’s eyes followed Shane’s and he bit his lower lip and shook his head slightly. “I mean, I know it was just a run-through, but you both seemed… If you want to talk, you know you can come to me, right? I may be your director, but I’m your friend too, Brendon.”

Brendon nodded. “I know. Don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine.”

“Yeah, sure,” Shane said, and Brendon knew he didn’t believe him. How could he? Even Brendon could hear the sad, lost ring to his voice. “Well, I’m here for you and all that other friend shit. Just think about it,” he said and continued his way out the conference room to find the producers.

After Shane left, the room broke into various conversations between different cast members, but Ryan didn’t seem to be particularly interested in talking with anyone. Brendon shook off the fact that normally during run-throughs, he and Ryan sat next to each other. He tried to clear his head of hidden touches and stupid note passing (Ryan always had a pencil with him at all times) and turned his body to face Keltie.

“Hey,” he said, smiling at her hesitantly. “We’re cool now, right?”

“I figured that we could either make this really weird or just pretend like nothing happened,” Keltie admitted and shrugged. “So I think it’s probably just best that we forget the whole me having a crush on you thing and go back to normal.”

Her smile was easy, and Brendon suddenly felt such a wave of affection towards Keltie for being so cool about everything, so understanding, that he nearly knocked her over when he hugged her.

“Awesome,” Brendon said and smiled at her.

The door opened and Brendon could hear people coming in, so he pulled himself out of Keltie’s embrace, still smiling at her, though when he looked up toward the sudden rush of people and saw Ryan looking at them, mouth turned down, the smile left his face. Ryan looked back down and Brendon muttered “fuck” under his breath.

He saw Jon come in followed, for some reason, by Spencer, who once again greeted Brendon with a very pointed glare. When Jon passed by Brendon, he ruffled up his hair before joining the other producers at the front of the conference room.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” the head producer, Patrick Stump, said. He was the kind of guy that seemed so genuinely nice that despite the fact that it seemed very elementary school-like, the entire cast joined together saying “Good afternoon” back at him.

“I’m sure you’ve all heard some rumors flying around here lately,” Patrick began and Brendon saw Ryan’s head snap up, eyes wide. Brendon looked from Ryan to Jon, who was the picture of the perfect business man all of a sudden, posture straight and suit immaculately pressed, looking innocent as he stared up at Patrick. Yeah, right.

“The network just got in the new numbers, and unfortunately, the viewership for The Strip has declined since sweeps. Now, number fluctuation is a normal thing, especially in Hollywood, but these new stats are too disappointing to ignore.” Patrick’s voice was even and soothing, and even though some of his fellow cast mates didn’t seem to quite grasp what was going on yet, Brendon knew that what Jon had told him earlier was true.

“We’ve been back and forth talking with the network for a couple of weeks now. I want you all to know that you all do a great job here, but we’ve looked at all of our options and have decided that the only course of action that we can take is to start thinking about redesigning the show.”

The murmurs started among the cast and Keltie turned to Brendon and whispered, “What is he talking about?” but Brendon just shrugged his shoulders and turned back to Patrick, his stomach sinking with every word.

“We’re not quite sure how this redesigning is going to go,” Patrick continued, ignoring the side conversations. “I’d like to be able to tell you that there won’t be any cast alterations, but I can’t promise that. We’ll try to keep you all updated on any progress. Hopefully, ratings will pick up and we won’t have to worry about this anymore, but right now, this is a serious issue and none of you should take it lightly. Thank you for your time and keep working hard,” he said, concluding his statements.

Around the table, conversations broke out like wildfire, and while Patrick and most of the other producers left the room, Jon stayed behind and walked towards Brendon.

Across the way, Brendon could see Spencer at Ryan’s side, the two of them talking low to each other, and Brendon wished that he knew what they were saying, wished that Ryan was talking to him instead.

“Hey,” Jon said to Brendon, pulling him from Ryan’s conversation.

“Jon, what does this mean?” Keltie asked next to him, tugging at Jon’s sleeve. “We’re not being cancelled, right? I mean, I thought we already had the go-ahead for another season.”

“I don’t know,” Jon said, shaking his head. “Everything I know Patrick just told you all. Don’t worry about it too much, Keltie.”

Keltie looked frazzled.

“Maybe you should all take a break.” Shane’s voice rose up over the loud voices of the frantic cast members. “Come back in an hour.”

The conference room grew louder with the sound of chairs scraping the floor and Keltie bolted out of the room, cell phone firmly planted to her ear. Ryan and Spencer were still talking quietly to each other. Ryan glanced back and met Brendon’s gaze, but broke it quickly as he headed towards the door.

“Fuck,” Brendon finally said to Jon. “I didn’t actually think it would come to this.”

Jon clasped Brendon on the shoulder. “It’ll be alright,” he said. “Everything will work out.”

Brendon took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before looking back up over to where Ryan was and whispering. “Everything’s falling apart”.

Jon followed Brendon’s gaze and raised a questioning eyebrow. Brendon sighed and Jon pulled him up out of his seat. “Come on,” he said, “let’s go get you a drink.”

“It’s like two o’clock,” Brendon objected.

Jon opened his suit jacket and fastened to the inside, Brendon could see a silver flask. “What can I tell you, Brendon?” Jon smiled. “I’d rather have a drink than not have a drink.”


* * *

After Brendon thought about it for a minute, he realized that the fact that Jon had a flask full of whiskey in his coat pocket shouldn’t have come as a shock to him. Jon was the first person in Hollywood who had taken Brendon under his wing, sweeping Brendon into the club scene after his first day on The Strip. Even though he hadn’t admitted it at the time, his first time drinking had been with Jon, though it definitely hadn’t been Jon’s first time.

“I figured that you might be needing this after Patrick came and told you all the news,” Jon explained. “I thought maybe Ryan would join us but…” He let his words trail off. Brendon knew that he had seen Ryan’s pointed avoidance and Brendon’s quiet desperation.

Jon busied himself by looking around Brendon’s dressing room, opening up the tiny microfridge and digging through until he let out a victorious whoop. He pulled out a bottle of Coke and reached for two red plastic cups sitting on the top of the microwave. Jon carefully poured the contents of his flask into both red cups. Brendon noticed the liberal amount and chuckled. “Enough liquor in there, Jon?”

Flashing a grin, Jon said, “There’s never enough, Bren. You’ll learn that eventually.” He poured some Coke into each cup and handed Brendon his own before toasting, “To better ratings,” and chugging down the contents.

Brendon threw back his drink, quickly draining his cup, and for one surreal moment, it almost felt like he was in college. When he expressed that thought to Jon, he merely laughed and said, “Better than high school. Aren’t you sick of it, Bren? Coming to this damn set everyday, pretending to be in high school? You’re 21 and still pretending to be a senior.” He refilled Brendon’s cup and then his own with another generous helping of whiskey. “You really should consider trying to branch out, take a chance, be bold.”

Brendon rolled his eyes and quickly took another large sip from his cup. “What is it with everyone these days? How come everything needs to change? Maybe I’m happy with how things are now.” He hiccupped, but it did little to curb his increasing annoyance. “I don’t want everything to change.”

“Hey, hey, calm down, Brendon. Everything’s not changing. I’m just saying that maybe all this ratings shit doesn’t have to be bad news. Maybe it’s just fate pushing you into the new chapter of your life,” Jon said soothingly.

“Yeah,” Brendon said bitterly, “one without Ryan.”

Jon’s face fell, and he opened his mouth sympathetically, but a knock on the door interrupted him. He cast Brendon a questioning look, but Brendon simply shrugged and took another sip of his drink. “Come in,” Jon yelled, and Shane popped his head around the door frame.

“I knew I came to the right place,” Shane said, eyeing the flask that was still firmly gripped in Jon’s hand. “How about pouring me a drink, Jonny boy?” Shane walked over and grabbed a red plastic cup off of the top of the microfridge and placed it in front of Jon. “And don’t skimp on the liquor. I know you have extra hiding somewhere.”

Jon grinned and smiled easily while he poured Shane a drink and then topped off both his and Brendon’s cup.

“So how you holding up, Bren?” Shane asked him.

Brendon grunted noncommittally and Jon sighed.

“I think it’s more than just the ratings issue,” Jon said, and when Shane raised his eyebrows, Brendon could see Jon mouth “Ryan” with overemphasized movements of his mouth.

Brendon looked away from Jon and Shane and directed his attention back towards his drink, which was somehow half-empty again. He thought nothing of it and gulped down the remaining liquid.

“Hey,” Shane said, resting a hand on Brendon’s shoulder. “Fights happen sometimes. I know things between you two are probably stressful because of the pressure of the show and all that, but you and Ryan will work things out. I’ve never seen you mad at each other for more than a day before. Things will blow over.”

His cup was empty, terribly empty, but when Brendon held it out to Jon, he didn’t refill it. “I really don’t think that things will get better,” he muttered morosely. “Ryan made it pretty clear that we were over. That whatever we had was done.”

He shook the cup in his hand impatiently, but Jon was looking at him sympathetically and did nothing to attend to Brendon’s growing need for more alcohol.

“Fuck, Jon, stop looking at me like that and give me some more.”

Shane and Jon shared a look and Brendon snorted.

“And I’m sick of all these fucking secret looks from people. You know, I can see it when you stare at each other like that.” First Ryan and Spencer and now Jon and Shane. Yeah, Brendon was really fucking tired of pointed looks and being left out.

Jon finally made Brendon another cup, though this time with considerably less alcohol.

“Listen, Bren,” Shane began, “you and Ryan have been together for almost as long as he’s been on the show. You guys are great together. I’ve seen it.” His voice was comforting and firm as if he was sure that each word he spoke was the honest-to-God truth. “Directors eye and all that. He’ll come around. Just give him time.”

Brendon scoffed, but allowed a little nod.

Jon looked up cautiously. “What happened between you two anyway?”

“He wanted-” Brendon began but then cut off. What did Ryan want? A commitment? A promise? All of him? “He wanted more than I could give him,” he finished angrily, but his voice held an edge of sadness. He shook his head. “Do you know that Ryan and I had been together for over a year? Exclusively I mean.” Brendon mused a little. “We never flat out had a discussion about it, it just kind of happened. It was like all of a sudden, no one else mattered but him. I was turning away people that hit on me at the clubs.” Brendon laughed disbelievingly. “I was in a fucking monogamous relationship, my first one, and I didn’t even realize it.”

Beside him, Brendon could hear Shane let out a sigh of something that sounded very much like relief. Brendon glanced at him questioningly.

“So you didn’t cheat on him then?” Shane asked, and Brendon laughed again harshly.

“No, but it’s not like I knew that there was something to cheat on. He was going off today saying that I wasn’t committing, but he never said anything either. He never made a big gesture or confession. It’s like he thought it was all understood and then it’s my fault that Keltie hit on me and I should have told her that I was fucking with him or something.” Brendon laid his head down against his crossed arms and sighed. “I don’t even know anymore.”

Jon piped up, curiosity audible in his tone. “Wait, what about Keltie?”

Brendon grumbled against his arms. “She asked me on a date and I agreed ‘cause I didn’t know it was a date and then Ryan got all pissed off and wouldn’t talk to me. But don’t worry, Keltie and I sorted everything out. I told her that I wasn’t interested. But was that good enough for Ryan?” he asked sardonically. “No. It’s like he wanted me to take a fucking ad out in Pride magazine.”

“Keltie likes you,” Jon repeated. “Like likes you likes you?”

Brendon shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Ryan broke up with me. Oh!” he said, his voice suddenly getting louder, and when he was wildly looking around, Shane poured most of the contents of Brendon’s drink into his own cup. “I didn’t even tell you the best part. After Ryan said it was over, he fucking said that he loved me.” His voice, which was growing louder with each word, suddenly broke off in a quiet whisper. “No one’s ever said that to me before.”

Shane turned in his chair and enveloped Brendon in a tight hug, pulling Brendon close to him and stroking his hair soothingly. Silent tremors ran through Brendon’s body shaking him but his eyes remained dry as they pressed into Shane’s shoulder.

“It’ll be okay,” Shane assured Brendon. “He loves you and it’ll be okay. He won’t be able to stay away from you. Who could? You’re Brendon Urie, remember?”

“Yeah,” Jon laughed. “One of People’s 50 most beautiful people. Hottest star under 25. Teen Beat heartthrob of the fucking year.”

Brendon laughed painfully against Shane, but the tense muscles in his body relaxed a little at their words. He slumped down off of Shane and gave him a small smile of gratitude. “I shouldn’t even be worrying about this Ryan thing.” He shook his head. “I need to focus on bringing ratings up. I can’t lose this job.”

His head was suddenly filled with all the words that Pete had said. About how Brendon needed to be proactive, about how he needed to take his future into his own hands. About how in order to secure his place on the show, he would have to upset someone else’s. Ryan’s.

“Maybe this is a good thing,” Brendon said. “If Ryan doesn’t want me then I don’t need him. I don’t need him in my life and I don’t need him on my show.”

“Bren,” Shane said softly, but Brendon ignored him with the wave of a hand.

“Pete was right,” Brendon said. “This thing with Ryan was blinding me, but Pete was right. If I want to make it in Hollywood, I can’t let anything get in my way. I can’t let Ryan get in my way.”

Jon was silent, but Shane was frantically shaking his head. “You’re not thinking about what you’re saying, Brendon. I know that you’re really overwhelmed and stressed out right now, but you need to calm down before you make any stupid mistakes.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Brendon said evasively.

Shane sighed. “You don’t think I know what’s going on?” He laughed sadly. “I know that the only way to ensure your space on The Strip is to make sure that Ryan doesn’t have his. I know that the producers are thinking about letting one of you go, but Brendon, you don’t want to do this. It won’t help you get Ryan back.”

“Who said he wants him back?” Jon asked Shane, and Brendon could hear the edge in his voice. “Look at him Shane, Ryan fucking broke him.”

Brendon looked up and mumbled, “I’m fine,” but Jon ignored him.

“Why shouldn’t Brendon use this to his advantage? For all we know Ryan just broke up with Brendon so that he would be so miserable that he would start to slack off and then he would seem like a liability to the producers. Ryan could be playing Brendon. Didn’t you say that he was acting weird?” Jon asked Brendon. “Didn’t you say that this whole breaking up thing came out of nowhere?”

The more Brendon thought about it, the more Jon’s words made perfect and terrible sense. “Fuck,” Brendon realized. “The bastard. He knew all along and he’s just trying to throw me off so he can keep his precious spot on this shitty show.”

“I don’t think that he knew,” Shane said. “He looked really surprised today when Patrick told everyone.”

Jon brushed him off. “He’s an actor, isn’t he?”

“Pete was right,” Brendon said again, and it was almost like his world was crashing down around him. Again. He didn’t want to believe that Ryan would do something like this to him. Didn’t want to believe that Ryan would break up with him just so he could remain on The Strip. He didn’t want to believe it, but with Pete’s words and Jon’s sentiments running through him, he could. “Pete was right. I have to do something.”

Shane shook his head. “No, you guys both need to take a second and listen to yourselves.” He looked at both of them wildly. “Brendon, I know that you care for Ryan and he cares for you. He would never end things with you just so he could have an upper hand with the producers. If you ask me, you guys just have a lot of things to work out in your relationship. Now, if you go ahead and listen to Pete and do something stupid, you’ll lose him. Listen to me Brendon, you’ll lose him. Not just a break. Not just a fight. You’ll lose him.”

Brendon cradled his head in his hands and sighed. “I already have,” he said, and Shane laid a hand against his back.

“Not yet,” he said, “but you will if you don’t fix things.”

Sitting across from him, Jon was biting his lip, deep in thought. “You said that Keltie likes you, right? That she asked you out on a date?”

Shane’s hand was warm and comforting against Brendon’s back. “Yeah,” Brendon said.

Jon nodded his head. “Good, that’s good. We can work with that.”

“What do you mean?” Shane asked suspiciously.

“Brendon can use that to his advantage,” Jon said. “If he and Keltie started dating, it would probably cause a bit of hype. The two leading stars getting together in real life? It might be enough to keep Brendon on the show.”

“But Brendon doesn’t like Keltie,’ Shane said through almost clenched teeth. “He’s with Ryan, remember?”

“Not anymore, he’s not,” Jon shot back. His words stung Brendon quick and fierce, but he couldn’t deny the truth in them. “Brendon’s right. He needs to forget about the past and look towards the future, and Keltie can ensure a future at The Strip for him.”

Brendon thought of Keltie, her open eyes and her hopeful expression on Saturday night. “I don’t know, Jon. I don’t think that it would be fair to Keltie.”

“It’s not fair to you that all this shit is happening, Bren,” Jon pointed out. “And Keltie will get just as much out of it as you will.”

Shane shook his head. “This is a bad idea,” he said. “Brendon, you know that I love you and I want to keep you on this show, but this is serious stuff. You’re messing with people’s emotions here. What about Keltie? What about Ryan? How do you think he’ll feel about this?”

Brendon’s mind was slightly foggy and Ryan’s name got stuck in his brain, resonating through his entire being but he shook it off. “Ryan doesn’t care about me,” he said. “He made it perfectly clear. So why should I care about him?” He turned to Jon. “You’re sure that this will work?” he asked, and Jon nodded.

The fog in Brendon’s brain was no longer singing Ryan but was concentrated on keeping himself afloat. Keeping his job, ensuring his future.

“I can almost guarantee that it will,” Jon assured Brendon.

“Good,” Brendon said, and he got up shakily from the table and checked his appearance in the mirror.

His hair was slightly mussed from him running his hand through it so often and his shirt was a little rumpled, but he straightened himself out in the shiny reflection of the glass. He smiled at himself in the mirror brightly, and though the wide grin was the same, it didn’t reach his eyes.

“How do I look?” he asked Shane and Jon.

Shane sighed in resignation. “You know you look good, Bren.”

“Perfect,” Jon agreed.

“Yeah? Good.” He walked towards the door to his dressing room. “Well, I guess then it’s time to get things moving.” Jon’s face was serious and he gave him a nod and Brendon tried his hardest not to notice the distressed look on Shane’s face. “I just hope that Keltie’s in her dressing room,” he said and he headed out to find her.

* * *

“I’ve never been here before,” Keltie yelled over the loud techno beat of the club. Brendon could barely hear her over the frantic noise. God, he hated techno. “Believe it or not, I’m not really that big of a partier,” she said. “I’d rather spend the night at home, you know?”

Brendon nodded. So did Ryan, he thought. Bright amber eyes swirled around his mind but Brendon pushed the image away; pushed Ryan away. Ryan wasn’t here with Brendon; didn’t want to be with Brendon.

He figured that Ryan was probably out with his new best friend Spencer having the time of his life. He forced a fake smile to his face. If Ryan was out having fun, he should be able to have fun too. Or at least look like he was having a good time.

“Well, I’m glad that you decided to come out with me tonight,” Brendon said, and Keltie ducked her head and smiled at him through the soft curtain of her hair before agreeing with a coy “Me too”.

Keltie had agreed to the date with Brendon easily enough. When he had asked her earlier that day, her face had lit up and she nodded eagerly as she accepted. Brendon felt bad about leading her on, but he knew that he had to keep his focus. If he wanted to stay on The Strip, he had to take his career seriously, had to fight for it.

His hand was firmly in Keltie’s grasp and she leaned against them as they made their way through the club to the VIP section where they were led to a very small, very intimate booth. Brendon waited for Keltie to sit down and then slid in across from her leaving a good deal of distance.

Brendon smiled at her, that same smile that he used countless times when they were filming for The Strip. In his mind, there was little difference between a scene for the show and sitting across the small booth from Keltie, smiling at her and letting her believe whatever she wanted about him and his intentions.

“You look great tonight,” Brendon said, and Keltie blushed red and grinned.

She scooted closer to Brendon, rounding the curve of the booth and pressing up next to him. “You look good too,” she said, her voice coming out as a breathy puff of air and Brendon shivered. The sensation caused his body to tense, and it took all he had in him to lean back against Keltie but he did it: he could play this part.

“I know,” he said, desperately trying to keep things light. “I usually do.”

Keltie laughed and easily agreed. “You’re lucky you’re so attractive,” she said, “or this whole overconfidence thing would just be annoying.”

Brendon feigned hurt. “Are you saying that you only agreed to go out with me because I’m hot? Oh, I get it,” he joked, “I’m just arm candy for you, aren’t I?”

“You know it, babe,” Keltie said, nudging Brendon with her shoulder and smiling widely.

Brendon was never one for nicknames, even the jokingly thrown in pet name, but Keltie’s off-hand ‘babe’ made Brendon remember how sometimes, after they had sex, Ryan would stroke his hair, kiss the top of his head, and whisper in his ear.

Brendon swallowed, his throat suddenly very tight, and gave Keltie a sorry attempt of a smile and muttered out a weak “Yeah.”

“You know,” Keltie said, and she leaned closer into Brendon’s side, “I thought after the Saturday night disaster you wouldn’t ever ask me out. You did kind of say that you weren’t interested in dating,” she pointed out, but Brendon was prepared for this and didn’t falter.

“I was just nervous,” he said, and he honestly felt like he was rehearsing lines for The Strip, felt like he really was Kyle Mills and he was trying to win Ashley back with an overly emotional monologue. “Saturday night made me realize just how much I did care about you,” he said. “You’re so sweet, Keltie. Beautiful and caring, and I just couldn’t believe that you would actually be interested in me. I guess it freaked me out a little. I didn’t think that all that I ever wanted was actually coming true.”

Keltie’s face was wide open and Brendon could see her emotions clearly in her bright blue eyes. He really was a great actor. He deserved that fucking Emmy.

She let out a breathy sigh. “I never knew,” she whispered. “I mean, I always thought that there was something between us. I never realized how much you actually liked me.”

The smile on her face was so genuine that Brendon’s heart hurt, but then he remembered Ryan’s betrayal, how he broke up with him to save his own skin, and he didn’t feel so bad.

He followed his invisible screenplay. “I do,” he said sincerely, his big brown eyes opening wide. “So, so much.” He looked off to the side as if he suddenly lost his confidence, and it was strange to not see a camera, strange not to be on set. “I wasn’t sure that you would agree to come with me after Saturday. I thought that I probably messed things up for good, but I’m glad that you’re here with me now,” he said, and he laced his fingers through Keltie’s, bringing them together to rest on the top of the table.

“I’m glad too,” she said, and she started to lean in, close her eyes and tilt her head, and Brendon started to silently panic. He wished that the invisible director would yell cut, end this scene and bring them both crashing back into the real world, but Brendon knew that this was all different.

He looked around the VIP section quickly and saw that it was nearly deserted. That wouldn’t do.

Keltie’s face was still tilted to the side, waiting for him, but Brendon stood up and pulled Keltie to follow him with her hand still grasped in his own. “Come on,” he said to her confused expression. “I want to dance.”

She looked at him questioningly, but obviously didn’t find his statement to be a brush off, and so she smiled and followed him to the dance floor.

The club was crowded and the dance floor was packed with sweaty, writhing bodies. Brendon gently pulled Keltie through the crowd to the one side where he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a couple of people who were poorly trying to conceal their cameras. Paparazzi. Perfect.

He brought them close to the cameramen but far enough away from them so that it didn’t look suspicious. Still, he knew that they had a great view. Brendon pulled Keltie up close to his body and held her hips as he started to move with the rhythm of the song that was playing. She smiled at him and easily fell into pattern with his movements and leaned further against him, twisting their bodies together.

Keltie was staring up at him, looking at him without reservation and Brendon smiled down at her just when he saw the first frantic look of recognition from the paparazzi. He tilted his head to the side and gave her a sly grin just as the first camera was raised. Brendon leaned down and whispered, “You do know how to move, don’t you?” into her ear and he could see the paparazzi clicking madly.

Brendon allowed his cheek to brush past Keltie’s as he leaned back from his question, and when he discretely looked out of the corner of his eyes, he could now see a solid line of photographers watching them.

His body felt like it was suspended in the air above him, looking down below at him and Keltie, and his stomach was swirling, but he knew what he had to do. He pushed all thoughts of Ryan out of his head, all tiny traces of hope that they would be together again and dragged his lips across Keltie’s cheek softly before pulling back to give her a well-practiced smile.

Her eyes were gleaming, whether from true emotion or the flash of the cameras, Brendon didn’t know, but she licked her bottom lip and Brendon took the signal.

He leaned in and willed his eyes to stay on Keltie, to not drift over to where the paparazzi was set up. He leaned in close, and even though his mind was trying desperately to let go, he thought of Ryan.

He leaned in close, and his lips brushed against Keltie’s and he kissed her hard. Kissed her like he meant it; kissed her like he would kiss Ryan.

Even from across the room, he could hear the clicks of the cameras, and he hoped that he wouldn’t regret this. He hoped that it would be enough.

* * *

Brendon’s head hurt. The lights in his dressing room were far too bright, and he was pretty sure that even though he hadn’t managed to eat breakfast that morning (the smell of food was too disgusting), the twisting in his stomach was most likely a sign that he should find the nearest bathroom or wastebasket. All he knew at that moment was that he was never drinking again. Especially continuously throughout the day. No matter what Jon said, it wasn’t the recipe for a perfect day.

He had gotten home late the night before after dropping Keltie off at her own apartment. Even though he had been quite possibly drunk out of his mind thanks to all of the free alcohol that people had kept sending to the two of them and the foundation Brendon still had had from his early drinking fest with Jon and Shane, Brendon had been coherent enough to brush Keltie’s advances off and sell her an excuse to why he shouldn’t come up with her to her apartment.

Instead, he had crawled back to his own apartment, possibly had a shot or two more of vodka that just happened to find its way into his hand, and had passed out on his couch. Thankfully, he had remembered to set his alarm. Showing up totally hung-over to work was one thing. Not showing up at all would only give the producers one more reason to fire him.

In addition to his throbbing headache, Brendon couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about the night before. The more time he spent with Keltie, the more obvious it became how much she liked him. Every coy smile, every fluttering glance only made Brendon feel worse and worse about what he was doing.

However, he knew that it was the only way to ensure his future on The Strip. If he and Keltie were an actual couple, there was no way the producers would fire Brendon. It would cause too much of a hype, and not the good kind. He could only hope that once his contract was renewed, he could end things with Keltie without hurting her feelings. Or his own.

Brendon checked his phone. He had called Jon earlier and had told him about the date and the cameras, about how he hoped that the paparazzi had gotten enough evidence to cause a little stir. Possibly enough to bring The Strip out of its funk.

Since he’d last talked to Jon, he hadn’t mentioned if the pictures had gotten out yet, but Brendon knew it was only a matter of time. He had, of course, during the events of the night and well into the morning, worried about what Ryan’s reaction might be, but he quickly pushed those thoughts out of his mind when he remembered that what he did was no longer any of Ryan’s business. He wasn’t sure if it ever really was.

He and Ryan had never made promises to each other, not really, but still, for over a year Brendon had barely even looked at another person, girl or guy, and he had always told Ryan his plans. Ryan always knew what Brendon was doing and Brendon always knew what Ryan was up to. It was strange, he pondered, losing that.

Brendon shook the thoughts out of his head and left the stiff chair at his vanity, opting to instead snuggle against the plush pillows of his couch, all the while most certainly not thinking about the last time he was on a couch just like this, in Ryan’s dressing room, spread out before the other boy.

He huffed and reached for a magazine on his coffee table to take his mind off of things. He flipped through the pages without really paying attention, his eyes sometimes lingering on a picture, but never searching down to reach the text. He threw the magazine across the room when he got bored with it. There was nothing about him in there anyway.

Brendon checked his phone again to see if Jon had called or texted him, but the only thing that stared back at him was his background. He mused if it was normal to have a picture of yourself as your cell phone background. Probably not. He did nothing to change his background, however he did scroll through his contacts list, watching the various names fly by before he reached the one he was looking for. Ryan.

The solid blue box highlighted Ryan’s name and Brendon’s finger hesitated over the select button. He watched as the bright blue flashed and it was almost memorizing.

A sharp knock to his dressing room door pulled Brendon from his hypnosis and he threw his phone, still open, across the couch.

“Come in,” he said, and he hoped that it was loud enough for the person on the other side to hear him. There was no way he was going to shout. His head was still pounding.

Brendon turned his body towards the door as it opened, and his stomach churned even further when Ryan walked through the door. His brow furrowed. Ryan was carrying his lap top. It was open and resting against the open palm of Ryan’s long fingers. His mouth, which Brendon was drawn to immediately, no matter how hard he tried not to look at it, was turned down in a frown.

Ryan crossed the room and stood beside the couch where Brendon was sitting. He put the computer down on the coffee table and stood there for a second looking at the open space next to Brendon on the couch before turning and pulling the chair from the vanity over to rest in front of the la top.

He didn’t say anything to Brendon at first, and Brendon’s mouth didn’t seem to be working, so none of his half-formulated thoughts made it out of his mouth. He did, however, seem to make some sort of questioning noise, because Ryan shook it off with a flick of his head as his fingers flew across the keyboard of his lap top.

Nothing was said until Ryan turned the computer screen towards Brendon with a quick jerk of his hand, and when he spoke, it was with a hard, cutting voice. “You want to tell me what the fuck this is about?”

The screen of the laptop was lit up with a picture of Keltie and Brendon. At the club. Kissing.

Part of Brendon wanted to snicker, but he managed to restrain himself. Of course Perez Hilton would be the first to have pictures up. It was a good picture, and in it Brendon was thankfully not looking into the lens, but was concentrating on Keltie. It was pretty convincing.

Brendon shrugged at Ryan. “It’s a picture.”

Obviously, this answer wasn’t good enough for him, and Ryan seethed. “I can see that. It’s a picture of you fucking kissing Keltie.”

“Why do you even care?” Brendon asked. “If I recall correctly, you’re the one who broke up with me.” The words made their way out of Brendon’s mouth before he could stop them. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t go into this again with Ryan, wouldn’t let Ryan know how much he was hurting, but once again, he spoke without thinking.

Ryan didn’t seem to pick up on Brendon’s now sudden vulnerability, and the laugh that escaped Ryan’s mouth was almost as harsh as his words. It caused Brendon’s back to tense and he shrunk back further into the plush pillows of the couch.

“And the first thing you do is hook up with Keltie. See? I knew it. I knew it when she asked you out. Was this the first time or were you screwing her behind my back?”

“It’s not like we ever made any promises to each other, Ryan,” Brendon yelled, his loud voice causing his head to throb even more painfully, but he couldn’t stop the force of his voice, not when Ryan was being so blind, so stupid. “But no, I didn’t. It was always just you.” His anger fizzled out quickly and he whispered, “It’s still only you, Ryan.”

“We’re not on The Strip, Brendon. Save your lines for the camera,” Ryan snapped harshly.

Brendon could feel the anger bubbling back up inside him. “God, you incredible bastard. You can’t come in here and yell at me about Keltie when there’s no reason to. It’s not like you still want there to be an ‘us’. It’s not like you didn’t ruin everything.”

Ryan was leaning in closer, and Brendon could feel the anger radiating off of him, could see the veins in his forehead throb, and even though he could physically see how upset Ryan was, Brendon hands twitched at his sides as he repressed an urge to pull Ryan close to him and kiss him.

“I ruined everything? Please, Brendon. I just didn’t want to stay in a relationship that was going nowhere. Fuck, you wouldn’t even admit that it was a relationship. If anything, Brendon, you ruined it.”

Brendon sighed, of course he would bring that up again. He looked away from the computer screen where the image of him and Keltie was still filling up the monitor and slammed the top of the lap top down.

“Everything was great with the way things were,” Brendon said, echoing his earlier sentiments. “I don’t understand why you wanted to change everything.”

“I didn’t want to change everything,” Ryan replied, “just move forward.”

Brendon shook his head. “Change isn’t always good. Think of how things are going on The Strip,” he pointed out.

“What?” Ryan asked. He seemed to loose his momentum as if that statement threw him off course. “Are you talking about that thing that the producers said yesterday?”

“Like you didn’t already know,” Brendon scoffed, and he thought about what Jon had said, about how Ryan had probably only destroyed his heart to destroy his chances. “I know that’s why you did it,” he said. “You knew that the producers have it narrowed down to you and me to let go, and you wanted to have the upper hand.”

Ryan’s face was one of pure confusion, but Brendon was too worked up to notice.

“Wait,” Ryan clarified, “the producers are deciding to fire either you or me.”

“That’s why you did it,” Brendon repeated, ignoring Ryan’s question of “Did what?” and he continued to fume.

Ryan looked back to the computer, and though it was closed, it still sparked his memory. “Is that why you kissed Keltie?” he asked. “You’re trying to drum up press, aren’t you? You’re-” His eyes widened as if a horrible thought just hit him. “You’re trying to get them to fire me.”

Brendon didn’t disagree with Ryan’s statement. “I’ve been here since the beginning. This is my home. I deserve to stay.”

Ryan was looking at Brendon as if he didn’t recognize him, mouth left open, but then the line in his jaw hardened and he spat, “You’re old news, Brendon. Your story line has been played out.”

“I’m up for an Emmy for my role, they won’t let me go with that,” Brendon said to Ryan, eyes burning fiercely.

“It’ll be a nice reminder when you’re kicked off the show,” Ryan retorted, and his anger was back now in full force.

“I know they won’t fire me,” Brendon said. “I’m needed here and I’m willing to fight for my spot.”

“Yeah,” Ryan said angrily. “You made it pretty clear by kissing Keltie how low you’re willing to stoop.”

Brendon glared at Ryan straight in the eye and said with a mean smirk, “Just so you know, Ryan, I liked it. And for the record, she’s a better kisser than you.”

Ryan’s eyes narrowed and he grabbed his laptop from the coffee table.

“What’s gotten into you, Brendon?” he asked. “It’s like I don’t even know you.”

“Maybe you never did,” Brendon replied, but he wanted to scream at Ryan some more, tell him that it was all his fault that Brendon was acting this way. He wanted to tell Ryan that it was all his fault that Brendon was broken and scrambling frantically to hold onto the only thing that he had left.

Ryan slammed the door to Brendon’s dressing room, and Brendon sighed and let out a gruff yell of frustration. Ryan’s words were burning in his ears, and his heart sank when he realized how right he was. Brendon knew he was being terrible, ruthless, but he needed The Strip more than Ryan did. It was all he was.

He sighed and rested his head against his hands, and when he turned to the side, he could see his cell phone lying across the couch. When he grabbed it and pulled it towards himself he could see the blue bar was still highlighting Ryan’s name, and without a second thought, Brendon reached over and deleted the number.

Part four